alittleoverlife Posted November 3, 2004 Share Posted November 3, 2004 So here I am, another day, another sad love story. This is how my life always ends up, no matter what I do to not make it be this way. I spent four years trying my hardest to snag a girl, and when I thought I did, I found out that it is not true. I never knew I would be alone forever, and it really seems that I am. I guess this is the way it is supposed to be, but it shouldn't. There are many differences between this loneliness and the loneliness I used to feel before I met her. Before I met her, I wanted a girlfriend real bad, someone to share my life with, and someone to cuddle and tell stories to. I never had the chance to do this with anyone; no matter how hard I tried. It seemed as though I was cursed, I could get so close to nabbing a girlfriend, and then snap, something would happen and the girl would fade from my arms. It was bitter loneliness, and I struggled to survive everyday. But I didn't really know how it felt to be with a girl for real, so it was a little of an empty loneliness, and I had no idea that real loneliness is a hundred times harder, but now I do. I thought what I felt was the hardest feeling in the world, to continue to smile and pretend that I was happy although I wasn't. Well, the fact is, I wish I could have that type of loneliness again. The type where you long for someone, anyone, but no one in specific. You want to know what it feels like, but haven't been spoiled by having it and then losing it. That is much harder. It seems as though I had the good life back then, and I took it for granted. Now all I want to do is forget; forget the memories of her, the feelings I felt for her, the way it felt to share with her, to live with her, to live for her. I want to forget that I had a girl, and just hope to remember what it was like before. But, once you've felt it, it never leaves you. I am stuck with these feelings, and I will never be able to separate from them. Now that I have lost her, I can never look at another girl the same way again. I had felt so strongly for other people before I met her, but now, when I think about them, I don't feel a thing. I don't want to be with them or anyone else. I want to be with her, and that is it. Pitiful I know, but I can't help the way I feel, because I have no control over my feelings. Either it's there or it's not, and right now, it's not there for anyone else. I cant say that I wont find someone that I do feel for, I am just saying it is highly illogical. I spent a year and a half of prime time in my life with this girl, and she really won me over big time. I never imagined I would want just one girl, because there are so many, but I know now that I do. There's only one problem with this. I know I will never see or talk to her again, and thus my chances with her are gone like she is. There is no hope, because we are stubborn and neither one of us is simply going to call or write to say hi. Our stubbornness used to be wonderful, it made us compromise on even the smallest tasks, which was the best thing we had. But now, it is our enemy. My stubbornness and hers together keep us from one another. She will never initiate contact, and neither will I. It's not that I don't want to, I would love to talk to her, but it's just impossible. Even when we see each other we ignore one another, not a hello, a wave, or even a glance in each other's direction. We stare away from each other, and try to concentrate on something else until that person is out of our line of sight. This is what is crazy. We went from spending every second, and I really mean every second together, to not even looking at one another? How is that possible? It is our stubbornness that's what. Neither of us will allow the other the upper hand by giving in and talking or acknowledging one another, and so we both simply ignore each other. Now, frankly I don't know how she is handling it, but it is making my life miserable. We were best friends, did everything together, and now nothing. And it's been this way for four months now, and I can tell it will never change. So much for her being in my life in any respect, because I guess that's impossible. It is sad, because we were wonderful when we were together, and now we are like sworn enemies. She hates me with a passion, and I love her inside my heart, but hate her in my mind. She doesn't even want to remember our "first" time as they say, because she goes around and tells everyone she is a virgin. I guess it's a good thing though, because it makes me one too, and so we don't have to share anything more than memories that will hopefully fade away. It seems that everything I don't want to happen is happening, and I have no way of preventing it. It is a shame that it has come down to this, and although I will probably always want her back, I will have to ignore that feeling like I ignore her and everything else, because it is just impossible. So much for fate and destiny, because this is not what it's supposed to come down to. I guess this is the end of our chapter, and it will never be reopened. Quote Link to comment
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