I rejected him...now I feel bad

[dark angel9]

Couple of months ago, this guy that used to live in the same street I grew up on added me on Facebook. We knew each other when we were kids but I barely remember a thing.

 

We started chatting on Skype and chatted for about 2 weeks or so. I used to have Skype on all the time out of habit. He got quite clingy and was contacting me multiple times a day (through Skype). I didn't find him attractive at all, not intelligent nor interesting and I felt like he is getting too attached to me. I started not signing in to Skype as a way to avoid him. Since then, he kept pestering me with messages. He sent me roses for my bday and New Years day. He kept deleting me and re-adding me on facebook (I guess out of anger for not signing in to Skype). He then sent me messages to apologize for deleting me from FB and to please forgive him. He also seemed to think that he did something wrong and that I am angry with him. I told him that I am not angry, am busy with work (as a nice way to let him down). He sent me a link to a love song "Please don't leave me".

 

At this stage, I was creeped out and I felt annoyed and repulsed when I saw a new message from him. So I decided to tell him straight up that I was never interested in him romantically and to stop messaging me. He came back with this long e-mail about how he has this heart disorder since he was a kid and has no friends and how people avoid him. How those 2 weeks we Skyped were the best 2 weeks of his life. Yet, he told me before that he works full time at a very physically demanding job( so can't be that sick?)..

 

I now feel bad that he is sick and maybe I was too harsh? The problem is, if I correspond with him as friends out of pity, he is still going to get even more attached. I could never be attracted to him so I dunno what to do. Should I just never respond and and ignore his further messages?

[seoulmate]

Yes....you should not respond any more. You have already told him once that you are not interested in him romantically and to stop messaging him.

 

What he told you about the "best two weeks of his life" is a memory he can keep....I wouldn't try to make it the best 3 or 4 weeks.

[Nattersmatter]

Sounds to me like he needs a friend but being aware that something(s) about him put people off wanting to embark on a friendship with him, he (perhaps having spotted a need in you) tried to include the extra lure of Lovership (which on his part isn't even genuine).

 

Or that whole story about being 'unattractive' is a ruse because he spotted something FAR more manipulable in you - called Sucker For Poor Wee Things and Guilt?... hence you now feel bad.

 

Should you feel bad for him and ashamed at yourself on the assumption his story is genuine or should you feel exonerated on the assumption his story is but an underhanded (lazy) ruse? That depends, doesn't it, on whether his heart condition is at risk more from stress than physical exertion??? What are you calling very physically demanding?

 

One could say you should just keep it simple and cater to the fact that you don't want to be his friend and thereby have full rights when it comes to declining that invitation, over which you shouldn't suffer a bad attack of conscience. But you DID that already and yet it won't sit comfortably inside you, right? Is that because it wasn't the correct response (for you)?...perhaps because you do think his story is true hence did reject him for the wrong reason? Or because you're more simply unused to asserting what you want and need out of life?

 

xoxo

[dark angel9]

I don't think his feelings are fake. He does live in a fantasy world since he doesn't know me at all. But he got WAY WAY too attached for "just friends". Maybe there is something wrong with me but I feel repulsed when people I am not attracted to in the least are attracted to me. As for his story of heart condition being fake, it's possible but even if it's real, it's actually poor timing to bring it up. It's like a desperate attempt to keep me in his life even if all I feel is pity.

 

As for why I feel guilty? It's because I am a kind person that hates hurting people and if someone is already down due to serious illness, I feel extra bad to add to their pain.

[Nattersmatter]

You seem to have answered your own question there: "Because you hate hurting people". But you said that already in your first message: "(as a nice way to let him down)". And yet that self-acknowledgement of a supposed fact, didn't do it for you, did it.

 

So what are you after as is preventing you from walking away without ill conscience? Are you trying to understand where he's coming from?

 

Maybe he thinks he DOES know you well enough? After all, knowing someone is achieved by getting enough data, which normally takes time because one has so much else to split ones attention over, right? But if you have but ONE person to dedicate your available focus on, surely that would cut the time it normally takes, certainly where *enough* data from which to extrapolate is concerned? Maybe he is prepared to act on only minimal data, say, a kind heart?

 

Yes, it is a desperate attempt (and his inability to not overreact, here and there, shows the same). But are only The Great Undesirables prey to loneliness, i.e. does it automatically identify them as not worth having or can some of the very best people life has to offer (who might not be great at projecting their truer personalities at first) find themselves prey to it at any point in their life?

 

Are you repulsed or is that sometimes a human misnomer for fear... fear about a plate one either isn't ready or is under-qualified to step up to? Do you have any really close friendships already? (Definition of CLOSE friendship: someone you can interrupt the sleep of at 3am if ever you're upset and in need, who feels privileged that you chose them as well as beholden by the knowledge that you would do the same for them if ever the tables were turned.)

 

If this doesn't do it for you, then you'd better look at what is proving in this type of situation to be a weakness of yours, namely this: "I decided to tell him straight up that I was never interested in him romantically". That wasn't the whole truth, was it. You weren't just uninterested romantically, you also didn't want to be FRIENDS. So that was a half-done message, wasn't it, despite you TRIED to exclude the option of friendship by telling him to therefore stop contacting you altogether. Is it then surprising that he would still think friendship an option? Oh, no - wait. He *did* stop, didn't he. ...But despite you achieved your aim, you feel bad.

 

So you somehow DIDN'T achieve your whole aim, did you? (See what I'm saying?)

 

xoxo

[dark angel9]

Guys, he is still at it. He sends me a long e-mail every day describing how he feels about me. He sends me love hearts through Facebook and pictures of himself. I have not responded to anything. I am feeling really creeped out.. I don't know if I should send him one more message to tell him to stop contacting me or if I should just keep ignoring him.

[Cope and Hope]

Guys, he is still at it. He sends me a long e-mail every day describing how he feels about me. He sends me love hearts through Facebook and pictures of himself. I have not responded to anything. I am feeling really creeped out.. I don't know if I should send him one more message to tell him to stop contacting me or if I should just keep ignoring him.

 

You should do one of these and stick to it.

 

1) Ignore him until he's over it. Block him on FB, e-mails, and whatever. Completely ignore him and any chance of receiving contact from him.

 

or...

 

2) Tell him he's being creepy, it's scaring you, and to stop it THEN block him from everything.

 

Don't half ass it either way you choose.