Hmmphhh, I had been doing so well!!

[RGS]

yup exactly that, this is the guy who doesnt celebrate new years AND told me in November he wasnt going to do anything as he doesnt like it... yuh huh and now you have been out partying and are suffereing??? Okay.....

[RGS]

 

2. unless I've misread somewhere(?) - in order for that email to have been sent to your work addy he would have had to have deliberately failed to just hit Reply like one normally would and instead either had picked Forward or had hit Reply but blocked and overtyped your personal addy. This, too, had to have been contrived, in other words, and this contrivance puts a whole new light on the fact of his so-called delays ("Oh, gosh, I'm so BUSY-BUSY-BUSY!").

 

i emailed him from my work email and he responded to my work email on friday. It was him who would have got my out of office. I didnt respond until monday as i wasnt in the office.

[RGS]

it is completely hurt ego. He seemed stunned in November at how ok i was... now that's gotta hurt!! Now i am wanting to be friends? Well this guy is going to be thinking, %$%$ why is she so OKAY with being friends??

 

I do genuinely want to be friends with him. I do not and would not want reconcillation now. I have seen there are better guys out there who are prepared to lay it on the line of rme and give me what i deserve. What this process has shown me is that it is clearly too soon for him to be friends but how i broach this i dont know!! "oh btw you dont seem to be over this so i think we should give it a hwile long after all" haha that would further bruise the ego.. i dont want to do that but this 'friendship' thing is clearly not ging to work at this point in time.

 

No reply so far but i know he will do, he's biding his time. I sometimes think i know him better than he does.

[Nattersmatter]

yup exactly that, this is the guy who doesnt celebrate new years AND told me in November he wasnt going to do anything as he doesnt like it... yuh huh and now you have been out partying and are suffereing??? Okay.....

 

Exactly! You're on my wavelength (don't touch that dial!).

 

The alternative is this: suffering, in such a way that warranted hitting the hay early-ish, wasn't meant to subtlely denote partying and being Okay, Jack but was a twang on the ol' violin strings, intended to get you feeling like a rotter ("Ohhh, what have I DONE to hiiiiim!").

 

Whichever - contrivance and manipulation and PROVOCATION - in this instance encouragement of a negative OR positive bent (depending on the denotation aimed at) - is the point, so - yep.

 

And if you look at your actions AFTER you read that - it worked, didn't it? ;-)

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

i emailed him from my work email and he responded to my work email on friday. It was him who would have got my out of office. I didnt respond until monday as i wasnt in the office.

 

Er. Me no unnerstandee.

 

?

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Actually - thinking about it - if he told you he wouldn't be going out on NYE and he KNOWS he did, then that re-colours his little contrivance as being encouragement of the negative, Pittyyy Meee, Mummyyyy variety. (You utter moo-moo - look what you've done to him! LOL)

 

Still... We don't know WHY he wants you to feel guilty and pity him, do we. Remember, this is a common tactic of the man who wants SOME of his gf back but not all of her - i.e. is angling for an FWB. Still, that part is fully in your control through whether and how you respond to the attempt or not once it gets within clearer range. But - forewarned is forearmed and all that...

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

it is completely hurt ego. He seemed stunned in November at how ok i was... now that's gotta hurt!! Now i am wanting to be friends? Well this guy is going to be thinking, %$%$ why is she so OKAY with being friends??

 

It doesn't necessarily follow that him being stunned was purely down to it not flattering his ego. He might well have been stunned as in hurt and dismayed.

 

I don't think it's implausible for a woman to become okay with the concept of becoming friends despite initially she wasn't if it follows a period in which she'll naturally have detached somewhat, actually. To YOU, maybe???

 

I do genuinely want to be friends with him.

 

Why? Are there not easier, simpler thereby PURER and less complications-ridden friends to be had out there if a friend is what you currently need?

 

I do not and would not want reconcillation now.

 

Friendship isn't "reconcilliation", it's a new commencement. So I and Freud have GOTCHA! ;-) You do not want to be his friend, you merely want him to think you do so that you get to study him from a safer distance as you make up your currently undecided mind about whether or not you wish to (yep) RECONCILE.

 

I told you - you've got to know what you're after before you can aim for it. How can you aim for something you can't see or identify? So how can you succesfully HIT the thing?

 

You're going to have to admit it first. ("Awww, no!" LOL)

 

I have seen there are better guys out there who are prepared to lay it on the line of rme and give me what i deserve.

 

Yeah, but you're not already attached by the heart strings to them, are you. There is the problemo. Heart-strings trump suitability on mere paper. They certainly do to women, anyway(, worst luck, eh?).

 

Choice:

[a] wait for the heartstrings to naturally continue dropping off until there are non left to detach whereupon you again start out your quest to find a mate from a mental place of Neutral (which requires not constantly twanging the strings);

use this time to work out what went wrong and how and when from your end and then think, Heartache-Heartschmake, pah!, and bravely try again but with this new and increased savviness under your belt.

 

What this process has shown me is that it is clearly too soon for him to be friends but how i broach this i dont know!! "oh btw you dont seem to be over this so i think we should give it a hwile long after all" haha that would further bruise the ego.. i dont want to do that but this 'friendship' thing is clearly not ging to work at this point in time.

##

 

This belongs to [a]. You do this: "Just letting you know... I do like the idea of us becoming friends but now is that bit too soon. If you still feel friendship between us would be a good idea, I suggest we leave each other be for another month or two and then review the situation again. Sound sensible to you?" You don't even mention who it's too soon for.

 

No reply so far but i know he will do, he's biding his time. I sometimes think i know him better than he does.

 

ORRR he's just a crap actor? LOL

 

xoxo

[RGS]

Ill reply properly later natters but I had an interesting development yesterday. STILL no reply to my original email but my personal email hot hacked and emailed spam to everyone in my account. When I finally regained access I had an email from him saying "you've been hacked ;-)" So he had time to respond to a spam email but not my original one!!

 

I replied and said "was it you? ;-) All sorted now thank goodness!"

 

Then he sent another response within 5 minutes saying "if it was me I would have sent a dodgier link ;-)". To which I responded "gee thanks, you're so kind

 

Yet, STILL no response to the original email?!? He's trying to pull my strings (unsuccessfully I might add)

 

And you're right, this is a guy who wants some of his girlfriend back but not all of her. Will reply more later...

[Nattersmatter]

To be honest, I'm not surprised he hasn't responded to that last email. In it, you said you wanted to be *friends*, right? Clearly his lack of response isn't because he no longer wants to maintain *a* relationship - this proven by the fact he HAS mailed you - to tell you you'd been hacked (as if somehow this fact would be unlikely to ever come to your attention otherwise, ROFL!) - so the conclusion is this: he wants something but it ain't mere friendship (hence blanking the invitation). ...And then, of course, what followed was what looks suspiciously to me [understatement!] like FLIRTING, with him as willing a participant as you (or even more so if we take into account his rapid timing of response).

 

Ha-ha. "Unsuccessfully" MY BOTTOM. You've got to stop with this lying to yourself and everyone around you. It doesn't protect your pride, it does the opposite and renders you looking too daft to capable of reading obvious signs.

 

The only question is, Where do these signs LEAD to?

 

Yes, it's entirely possible he wants some new relationship format which may or may not prove to you to feel insultingly second-best or even crumb-like compared to what you both had before, but... how do you KNOW this is the case? He may just want to make any aggro impossible from now on... in which case, once more time has passed in which to calm down, he might again want back the relationship proper and be re-prepared to suffer any unavoidable aggro or just as equally might have thought up ways to improve matters whereby less aggro naturally features?

 

Do you know something I don't on that score?

 

(BTW - emailing to blokies tip: if you want a reply, you have to end on a question rather than a statement.)

 

xoxo

[RGS]

Do you know something I don't on that score?

 

(BTW - emailing to blokies tip: if you want a reply, you have to end on a question rather than a statement.)

 

xoxo

 

What do you mean Nats?!

 

I know i need to initiate a question with guys for them to respond which is why I didn't ask one. Now ball firmly in his court if he wants any contact, I'm dusting my hands of it for the time being. Incidentally this is not always true as the guy I'm currently dating seems to text me willy nilly.

 

I know you don't believe me but I really don't want a relationship with him. I'm dating a new guy who is lovely and FAR more emotionally available than my ex ever was. I guess me being in touch with him is noseyness more than anything and a genuine desire to still be able to share memories and be friends. We had a great year together.

 

What do you mean when you say "he may just want to make aggro impossible" btw?

 

I don't think he knows what he wants.

 

I was speaking with a friend last night and her advice was that its not possible to be friends with exes. I'm beginning to think this is likely to be sad but true.

[Nattersmatter]

(Ohhh, per-lease don't call me Nats - it makes me think of Gnats, LOL)

 

I mean like this:

 

___________________________

 

I know i need to initiate a question with guys for them to respond which is why I didn't ask one. Now ball firmly in his court if he wants any contact, I'm dusting my hands of it for the time being. Incidentally this is not always true as the guy I'm currently dating seems to text me willy nilly.

 

I know you don't believe me but I really don't want a relationship with him. I'm dating a new guy who is lovely and FAR more emotionally available than my ex ever was. I guess me being in touch with him is noseyness more than anything and a genuine desire to still be able to share memories and be friends. We had a great year together.

 

What do you mean when you say "he may just want to make aggro impossible" btw?

 

I don't think he knows what he wants.

 

I was speaking with a friend last night and her advice was that its not possible to be friends with exes. I'm beginning to think this is likely to be sad but true.

 

"BTW - emailing to blokies tip: if you want a reply, you have to end on a question rather than a statement"

 

What do you mean Nats?!

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

Or did you mean, what did I mean about the, Do you know something I don't, bit?

[Nattersmatter]

As to your actual comments/questions...

 

I know i need to initiate a question with guys for them to respond which is why I didn't ask one. Now ball firmly in his court if he wants any contact, I'm dusting my hands of it for the time being. Incidentally this is not always true as the guy I'm currently dating seems to text me willy nilly.

 

Eeezamaan. He's got to know a response would be welcomed or he won't know there IS any ball, let alone on his side. Otherwise, what you're doing is leaving him the option of potentially being a PEST. Diff/all the diff. Put it this way, ladies of old didn't expect a gentleman to wrest their hanky out of their pocket and slam it on the ground before picking it up for them, right? Nay... They'd DROP them. LOL (you daftie). Turn your Hard-To-Get dial *down* a notch. Impossible To Get isn't any more attractive than Too Easy.

 

I know you don't believe me but I really don't want a relationship with him.

 

That's right, I don't believe you.

 

I'm dating a new guy who is lovely and FAR more emotionally available than my ex ever was.

 

So what? You don't have heartstrings already firmly attached to new guy. New guy could be Arnie Sch-no, ugh, wrong example- ...could be George Clooney himself and he STILL wouldn't be able to compete, attachment-wise.

 

I'm not saying you're WRONG to concentrate on new guy, however. I'm just saying... This is how the mind works whether you consciously want it to or not.

 

I guess me being in touch with him is noseyness more than anything and a genuine desire to still be able to share memories and be friends. We had a great year together.

 

LOL - give her a Bafta!

 

What do you mean when you say "he may just want to make aggro impossible" btw?

 

By working out what mistakes got made from his end as provoked mistakes at your end (obviously your own initiations as provoked bad reactions at his end are your biz), and not repeating them/altering them.

 

I don't think he knows what he wants.

 

Just like you, then. (Gosh - how odd - "Like" is exactly like "Like"! LOL)

 

I was speaking with a friend last night and her advice was that its not possible to be friends with exes. I'm beginning to think this is likely to be sad but true.

 

It's not. Humans aren't comfortable with demotion; the ambition urge won't allow it. And nor does the ego like having its nose constantly rubbed in the poo puddle of failure which they, by association, will always be - which applies more the closer to success you'd been ("nearly but OOH not quite!"). It's only possible if friends were actually all you'd secretly moreover been (friends with bells on); that way, there's no demotion and no failure to attain romantic partnership success. There are exceptions but they tend to be very cool cucumbers indeed OR have already made it with A N Other so don't pay any attention to that invisible, neon "Failed!" sign that sits constantly above the ex's head.

 

Anyway, since it now sounds like you were just taking one last look over your shoulder in order to know whether you should proceed any further with new guy or not - all's well that ends well (despite it'll be another x weeks until you feel it).

 

xoxo

[Nattersmatter]

What I'm saying is, your new relationship isn't ever going to be able to compete whilst your there obstructing its ability to compete. If your feet are inching Forward at the same time as they're inching Backwards, you are basically going to end up going nowhere but on the spot fast.

 

Give it a proper chance and THEN decide. And when you do judge, don't judge new guy at Week X against old guy at Year X - that's not a proper or fair appraisal. Judge new guy at Week X against old guy when HE was still at Week X. Do this and you might find yourself realising how superior and worth sticking with new guy is.

 

xoxo

[RGS]

Yes I meant the "do you know something I don't" bit?

[RGS]

So you think I should have been more open in my response? I invited him for coffee in my first email I don't think it gets more open than that. So in my view he's either a) figuring out when he's free (which is amusing as he's always free) or. B) trying to come accross as busy busy

 

In terms of the mistakes I made my end I still struggle to see what they are. He got commitment panics and ran for the hills, I was putting no pressure on him at all. We went on a romantic holiday, got back and he freaked. The only thing I could have done differently was to disappear while he went through this freak out phase instead of questioning him over it.

 

HE said in his own words there's nothing I could have done differently he said "I just like my freedom I can't explain it, not that you've done anything to restrict my freedom your brilliant, I'm just not ready to settle down, I don't think I'll be ready till I'm 40".

 

So where do I go now, wait for him to respond (IF he responds) and go for coffee? Leave it as a lost cause even if he doesn't respond? Or open up communication in another form?

 

I'm confused about the stance from his end.. You think he is looking to initiate a relationship again?

 

As for new guy I am trying to compare him like for like with the early days with ex and he is winning hands down because he is FAR more communicative about emotional issues. But when I look at the long term prospects he doesn't match up at all you're right. Ex didnt match up entirely but he matched up a lot better than new guy.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion new guy may also be a little boy hidden in a man's body. EXCEPT ex had certain things in place already which made me think he was ready. I.e he owned his own place, is where he woukd want to be in his career and admitted he no longer enjoyed partying and going out (and boy he's really had to test that this past few months!).

 

New guy on the other hand has only just got back from travelling, is sharing with a friend, only just finished uni and only has half a foot on the first rung of the career ladder.

 

SO maybe neither of them are the man for me.

 

Ex is emotionally unavailable.

 

New guy is not at the right life stage.

[Nattersmatter]

Yes, it's entirely possible he wants some new relationship format which may or may not prove to you to feel insultingly second-best or even crumb-like compared to what you both had before, but... how do you KNOW this is the case? He may just want to make any aggro impossible from now on... in which case, once more time has passed in which to calm down, he might again want back the relationship proper and be re-prepared to suffer any unavoidable aggro or just as equally might have thought up ways to improve matters whereby less aggro naturally features?

 

Do you know something I don't on that score?

 

Why the confident pessimism, is what I was asking? Do you have data to substantiate the negative suspicion over the positive one that I've not been made privy to or are you just being negative and pessimistic?

 

xoxo

[RGS]

Well the last time we met up (November) he was acting bizarrely and asking if I was dating etc etc. Looked very traumatised the whole time. I called him after we met and asked if he still thought he'd made the right decision. He said. "Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't" I said well surely we try and work at things and see how they go? He didn't respond, so my conclusion was that any sort of reconciliation is out of the picture if he is THAT confused. Who knows when he will stop being confused. Hence the confident pessimism.

[Nattersmatter]

(Eyup! Non-stop weekend, sorry about that.)

 

So you think I should have been more open in my response? I invited him for coffee in my first email I don't think it gets more open than that. So in my view he's either a) figuring out when he's free (which is amusing as he's always free) or. B) trying to come accross as busy busy

 

First off - I didn't realise you'd been the one to invite HIM for coffee because all you told us was, quote, "He replied saying it would be nice to catch up for lunch/ coffee sometime", thereby giving the impression it had been all his idea. If you want people to give you the correct advice you're going to have to be more honest in what you tell them or it'll be a case of Rubbish In equals Rubbish Out.

 

However, when I advised you to turn your Impossible To Get dial down, I wasn't referring to you issuing 'serves'. You're not ideally supposed to do that, anyway; it's the man's job to serve (unless you fluffed up the last return of his serve or, god forbid, actually aimed at his face(!) and have some olive-branching to do). I meant only, don't give mixed messages - which, in fact, becomes a case of even MORE mixed if you start off issuing an invitation but then 'five minutes' later signify via a lack of an end/leading question that you consider the 'rally' to now be over. Maybe he just hadn't been ready to say yes to coffee at that point and was wanting to test you out more first via said email exchange?... you don't know. And undoubtedly, neither does he yet.

 

But it does make me chuckle slightly, you saying how confused he is, because ...there you are, knowing he's confused - having had PROOF he is (his having declined your first invitation to reconcile *as well as* his 'I do and I don't' vis-a-vis whether he thought he should have called the relationship off in the first place) - yet still going ahead with issuing a SECOND invitation. So ...What are you playing at?...what are you trying to achieve? Are you trying to push him into a decision? How would that be "a decision of his" if you did? It wouldn't be, would it; it would be you executing your own decision but through him.

 

I do know what you're doing... cos I've BEEN there and helped too many others who've been there, as well. Not in terms of actions, myself, but certainly the mindset. You want to know where you stand now-now-now because you have this pressure of another man who is 'waiting for an answer', or, put another way, waiting for a Green light (or even a Red or Amber, just SOME indication) - as in, do you allow yourself to get closer to him and he to you or do you keep him trotting on the spot whilst you're waiting to know whether ex-bf is even IN the competition over which you, the judge, get to preside?

 

It doesn't work like that, RGS. You should go right ahead and make a relationship with new guy, REGARDLESS. Because until new guy is even at a compete-able LEVEL with your ex (via your ex in memoriam, I mean), he can't compete, in which case neither can you ever make an intelligent choice over which guy is the best guy as a separate entity as well as best for you and who YOU are and operate like. That would be a bit like you thinking, 'Oooh... Who do I prefer - ex-bf or my milkman?', LOL. Let new guy BECOME fair competition before you then hold the tournament between the pair of them in your head. Simples!

 

It's no different to Christians claiming they have super-strong faith yet refusing to read Christopher Hitchins or Richard Dawkins. Why, given that they allege their faith to possess such strong, inarguable basis? Surely NOTHING could threaten to shake it, meaning it wouldn't matter WHAT they read to the contrary?

 

You have to let these things be put to the test to know whether they're real or not.

 

So *do* that. Allow your new relationship to become level pegged (or near as damnit) with your old one and THEN see.

 

And no more bleedin' serving! The ball is obviously in his court.

 

In terms of the mistakes I made my end I still struggle to see what they are.

 

Well, evidently Impatience was one of them, wouldn't you say? And letting your emotions run the show that bit too independently of your head? Don't get me wrong - the heart is *supposed* to lead... but only when things are going to plan. The MINUTE things start to shudder and splutter you're supposed to allow your head to come to the rescue.

 

He got commitment panics and ran for the hills, I was putting no pressure on him at all. We went on a romantic holiday, got back and he freaked.

 

Ah, WELL!... in THAT case, what you've got is a guy who has a negative attitude towards commitment to the point where he can no longer see you (the woods) for the trees (commitment). OR a guy who can't handle being that vulnerable to potential heartbreak (which being deeply in love positively demands). Why he'd assume heartbreak was more than just a run-of-the-mill possibility or that it never happening DIDN'T depend entirely on him in terms of his being able to constantly influence and inspire you never to lose faith in the relationship and him as a partner, is either something only you would know or anyone's guess. But with this the case, pushing is the LAST thing you should be doing. You should be GIVING him a taste of life without you - to remind him, it WASN'T all that great, AC-tually, despite he's obviously deified the memory of it.

 

The only thing I could have done differently was to disappear while he went through this freak out phase instead of questioning him over it.

 

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyup! So why are you pressuring him NOW? Well, we know why, don't we... I've just spelled it out. You're so over-concerned about your own being-in-a-hurry that in the process you're forgetting to respect (or are 'sacrificing') the need not to push.

 

HE said in his own words there's nothing I could have done differently he said "I just like my freedom I can't explain it, not that you've done anything to restrict my freedom your brilliant, I'm just not ready to settle down, I don't think I'll be ready till I'm 40".

 

Oh, DID he indeed? INTERESTING. And unfortunately, *not* good news for you (or very good news for you where concentrating on your new relationship is concerned). *Everyone* has fear in with desire when in a relationship that's just got serious enough to spell serious devastation if it were to go Splat. What dictates whether someone feels the fear and does it anyway is simply this: Their desire OUTWEIGHS their fear.

 

Ex-bf may have huge desire where keeping you in his life is concerned but, where he has even greater fear OF keeping you in his life *plus* the extra fear of risking potential rejection/heartache, in relative/comparitive terms it basically amounts to, Not Enough Desire.

 

You either forget it OR you give him something even GREATER to fear: not having you plus being alone plus having to live with the fact he got so close but failed at the final post.

 

If you want him to sample a life that is devoid of you, you have to MAKE his life devoid of you. Again - Simples!

 

So where do I go now, wait for him to respond (IF he responds) and go for coffee? Leave it as a lost cause even if he doesn't respond? Or open up communication in another form?

 

If he responds WITH acceptance of your invitation to coffee, then, by all means go (because the fact he's made a decision shows the fear -v- desire scale has shifted in balance more towards desire). If, however, his response again ignores the invitation - DON'T BOTHER REPLYING... give him that proper sample of life with you "dead and buried". He'll either cope with that (which will prove you could find someone who'd love you more deeply) or he won't cope and will come back 'sobbing' and begging for another try... in which case, assuming he manages to feel the fear but this time not let it actually affect the relationship, he's the man for you.

 

I'm confused about the stance from his end.. You think he is looking to initiate a relationship again?

 

I think right now he's keeping you warm and waiting so that he can take more time to decide. But again - the event of him accepting the invitation excepted - he most likely will remain UNABLE to decide between life with you and life without you if he's got half of both. He knows what life with you is like. What he DOESN'T know is what life without you (following having had one with you) is like.

 

Leddim have it!

 

As for new guy I am trying to compare him like for like with the early days with ex and he is winning hands down because he is FAR more communicative about emotional issues. But when I look at the long term prospects he doesn't match up at all you're right. Ex didnt match up entirely but he matched up a lot better than new guy.

 

Well, then, that's very positive news indeed! What that says is, new guy is so good on paper (the paper that matters, I should add) that the heart following after is guaranteed. Stands to reason it is because, look - you managed to fall prey to the falling-in-love process with a man who WASN'T good on paper to that higher degree. Right? So don't be confused by compatibility criteria, just concentrate on the overall CALIBRE. Trust me - calibre is what you fall in love with; compatibility is actually something we use to explain the otherwise inexplicable (namely, how needs getting so consistently well fulfilled creates love and how chemistry works and what creates it). And *not* being perfectly compatible isn't a problem. Incompatibility is only an issue when it's to the EXTREME; anything that isn't simply means that flexibility and compromising or taking turns is called for...and where protecting excellent chemistry is concerned, people are not only willing to do something as piffling as compromise, they also risk being stoned to death, being ostracised from their entire families, getting beaten up by the partner daily!.... you name it, they'll do it. It's called Addiction (Honeymoon Heroin). You don't want over-addiction, you don't want under-addiction. Just addiction. It's the glue that makes you tackle life's problems as well as interpersonal clashes rather than bail and as a result lessen your offspring's chances at survival...

 

....aaand we're back full circle to ex-bf being - at this juncture - seemingly capable of going without that next dose of his supposed Honeymoon Heroin, aren't we, eh?

 

The fact is, you having just got out of a relationship that ended upsettingly will have rendered your ability to feel the hit of the chemistry that you share with this guy, almost inoperable where emotional receptivity is concerned...meaning, the only place you can register it is on the logical side of your brain (hence you're basically reporting new guy as being the superior candidate no matter that he and you seem less compatible in a long-term way).

 

FYI, ex-bf *didn't* match better in terms of scope and/or neither was he fully addicted to your joint chemistry enough. Had he, you wouldn't have gone SPLAT in the first place because men are more practical-minded thus *do* value this criteria enough to never want to risk losing it - certainly when it's a case of enough chemistry and compatibility combined. He didn't. He not only risked losing it but chucked it in the bin.

 

I have a sneaking suspicion new guy may also be a little boy hidden in a man's body. EXCEPT ex had certain things in place already which made me think he was ready. I.e he owned his own place, is where he woukd want to be in his career and admitted he no longer enjoyed partying and going out (and boy he's really had to test that this past few months!).

 

Ready to do WHAT? To lay down and die????

 

Have *you* got your own place and are where you want to be in life? Are *you* ready for your cocoa and slippers?

 

On their own, all having your own place and your career in place proves is that you're ready for your own place and were ready to start a career. What proves TRUE adulthood is that you're ready for PERMANENTLY PAIRBONDING (itself with a view to reproducing yourselves assuming no impediments or constraints exist), in which case you SET ABOUT getting your own place (together) and working hard to make your career (i.e. his) something more worthy of the Provider status. So you were wrong to judge relationship readiness by those things alone, weren't you. WHEREAS - new guy may not have ever until now/some time in the near future had the incentive to work towards gaining the adult material accoutrements. But it certainly sounds as if he has the CAPABILITY of bonding... because it takes a willingness to TEAM UP... and a team-playing attitude is demonstrated first and foremost by BEING AN OPEN, HONEST COMMUNICATOR - INCLUDING AND *ESPECIALLY* ABOUT ONE'S *FEELINGS AS WELL AS THE JOINT FEELINGS*.

 

New guy on the other hand has only just got back from travelling, is sharing with a friend, only just finished uni and only has half a foot on the first rung of the career ladder.

 

Well, if new guy is *too* far from the appropriate springboard towards attaining a Provider status, you may have a point. But I wouldn't under-estimate him JUST yet if I were you. When men do have a great incentive, they can progress suprisingly/alarmingly speedily. I've seen it myself...and too many times!

 

SO maybe neither of them are the man for me.

 

Or maybe you suspect you personally should be grieving AWAY from the stables wherein a horse bucked you rather than getting straight back onto another horse? Some people are back-on-the-horse merchants and some aren't... they're better at thinking things through when cloistered and quarantined.

 

Ex is emotionally unavailable.

 

Which is probably how he's managed to attain the material possessions of a man ready to be a provider already, eh. Nothing else to have to share his energy expension over.

 

New guy is not at the right life stage.

 

Not yet, no. But who told you the next stop on the line WAS the terminus, anyway? For all YOU know the next stop was only ever supposed to be a JUNCTION? Maybe if you don't ARRIVE at that junction you won't catch the train to Love Foreverville?... or won't get there half as quickly as you were actually scheduled to?

 

(Food for thought?)

 

I think the only thing you should be asking yourself at this point is this: Does new guy - at Week X - leave me feeling FAR happier, interested, excited, inspired and POSITIVE about myself and my own future than ex-bf? ...whereas, *you*? - you're trying to create some sort of crystal ball.

 

Sorry. But where the secret crystal ball's concerned, you're looking in the wrong place.

 

xoxo

[RGS]

Ill reply to other message properly later but ex has responded with the following:

 

 

Hi - all set for your ski hol? Probably won't get a chance to meet up for a coffee before you go away (21st right?) but will do once you're back...

 

 

Two things with this message, I told him I was going away on the 25th and he knows I board not ski. And what is the "probably" about?!

[soloman9]

Stop over analysing, he's not interested but doesn't want to be mean to you. He will perpetually delay this meeting and hope that you will give up.

 

Concentrate on your new guy, and stop trying to hold onto someone who's running away from you.

[RGS]

Fair enough but I have given him the option not to meet up so why did t he take it. Plus it was him who was having regrets in November and why play silly games (like responding to that spam email when there was no need to reply) if he wants me to go away?

[RGS]

Incidentally new guy is a no go he's nice guy but it wouldn't work out long term, he's far too behind me in life stages and needs to grow some balls. E.g I really like action sports but he's scared to even swim in the sea!

[soloman9]

He's giving you an inch and you're taking a mile. He may occasionally respond because he's bored, or wants to see if you'll bite or maybe just wants to see if you're ok. Who knows. He's not interested with meeting up with you or anything more than that. If someone is playing 'silly games' with you eg. showing no respect for you, then show respect for yourself and stop being fed scraps!

[Nattersmatter]

Hi - all set for your ski hol? Probably won't get a chance to meet up for a coffee before you go away (21st right?) but will do once you're back...

 

He's not made an actual day and time so it's obvious he's buying more time. But at least, [1] where he could have said "maybe do it once you're back" or "hopefully" or "possibly", he actually says "will". He could be lying but... no-one likes to think of themselves as a liar so...that's where the "maybe/hopefully/possibly" comes in: they cannot be a liar if they never said Yes but said only Yes *And* No. And [2] - without having to, he's committed himself to a rough deadline by citing the specific date on which you get back; in fact, not EVEN the proper later date. So I don't think it's a case of If, more of When.

 

Also, you have to remember that most men are pushers, testers and provocateurs (cough! - antagonisers). You now HAVE to respond again or else live with the annoying itch of his (cough!) error. (Sneaky, ain't he? ;-))

 

Ski/Ski Board. There isn't MUCH difference, is there? I mean - are these places called Ski Board resorts? They're not, are they... they're called Ski resorts. That says nothing for certain other than that HE doesn't ski board.

 

If he were to go on to postponing this rough timeline for coffee, however, I would then at that point agree with Soloman that he's just playing games, either to keep you warm on the side and waiting or in the hope that you'll get fed up and admit defeat.

 

What Solomon and I agree over, however, is what I said about how he's more likely to make up his mind if he believes his window in which to do so is very fleeting... on which note - does boyfriend have any means to suspect you're with a new fella?

 

xoxo