I hurt (Going NC)

[Reminiscence]

Day 1

 

So I finally confronted you about that night yesterday. God I feel like such a fool. I told you that I still had feelings for you. I guess silence is just another way of saying that you don't have those feelings anymore. I was able to fall asleep but now I'm wide awake and it eludes me now when I need it most. I want the longing out. I never should have trusted you when you came back July and even you didn't know why. Now I hurt twice as much as before. Only this time I know now I have to get you out because there is no hope. I'm so tempted to tell you we should just say good bye forever. You're leaving once you graduated...why prolong the inevitable? You once warned me of your faults. Perhaps I should have listened but even now I still can overlook them. Maybe I should tell you this because I'm pretty sure you've forgotten you've warned me. If I could, I would tell you that and that I hurt. But I can't...and I hurt even more. I want the longing out. I wish I could erase all trace of you. Out of heart, mind, and memory. I want you out because there was no point in letting you in.

[Reminiscence]

Day 2

 

You texted me yesterday morning saying why you didn't respond. It doesn't answer my question. You still haven't said anything about the fact that I still have feelings for you. If you don't anymore I don't see why it's so hard to say so. I'm lonely. I feel like how I was before I ever met you. I don't like it.

[Reminiscence]

Day 3

 

Still no response... Winter quarter is starting next week. If you don't have time now to deal with this...I guess you'll never have time. We have a class together too. I wonder if you know this. I wonder if you have any idea how tough this will be for me.

[cbzfmoc]

It's going to be a way until the pain subsides. I'm around day 80-90 and I still think about him many times during the day. I'm not as tempted to contact him however, so it does get a little better in that sense.

[Reminiscence]

Day 18

 

I can't believe it's only been 15 days since my last post...seems likes it's been forever. So last Monday was the first day of class. Luckily we didnt sit anywhere near each other but still was somewhat unlucky that I was able to see your face. I tried avoiding you after class but we nearly ran into each other. You said hi. I said hi. You asked if I had been getting your texts since you got a new phone. I did and I said so. You said okay and then just walked off to go talk to your friends. Last Wednesday, I was walking a friend to the library after class. I saw you close by. I split before you caught up but you ran to catch up with me. We walked and talked about how our winter breaks went for a minute before we had to go separate ways. Low and behold I dreamed of you that night.

Now it's Day 18...I don't feel any better. Still feel so lost and confused. I don't know if I can be friends with you. I get so nervous around you now. And during those few moments when we talked to each other the feeling of wanting you to leave me alone was there...and yet I wanted to talk to you. I keep going back and forth. I like you. No, I'm angry at you leave me alone. I want to talk to you. No, you aren't worth my time. Just chaos and turmoil. All the while I can hear your voice saying "you're letting things get to you." I can just imagine that if you were in my position you'd be perfectly fine. Not because you're a guy but because you're Buddhist. It angers me knowing that. There goes your voice again, "there's no need to get angry." It doesn't help me knowing that.

I keep dreaming about you. There's no point in going NC when in my dreams I hear your voice and we have conversations that can actually happen in real life. When I can remember those conversations when I'm awake. When I should be saying those things to you when I'm awake. When the dreams are so vivid that I think they are really happening. When I can feel your lips against mine. WHY AM I DREAMING ABOUT YOU?!?! IT DOESN'T HELP ME....it's not helping me.

I wish I can tell you these things but I can't. Because I'm scared of you. Because if I say these things they'll freak you out. Anger you. Or evoke a reaction that I don't want...and lose you. But I hear your damn voice again..."there's nothing to be afraid of." SHUT UP!!!

...I can't get you out...

[Reminiscence]

Day 20

 

I'm such a weakling. I texted you today. Asking if you were gonna go to a club meeting. You said you wanted to go but you never showed. I'm disappointed. Disappointed that you never showed. Disappointed that you probably lied. Disappointed that I thought you were worth it. Now here I am. Typing this. I feel weird. I'm not out of control like I was just two days ago. A calm before the storm? Or is this the calm after the storm? I feel eerily calm...and empty. The two halves have frozen. Anger and longing. They are not tearing at each other. No push and pull. No back and forth. Perhaps they are tired. Exhausted. Catching their breath. But will they go back at it again? Will the turmoil and chaos come back? What does this mean?

 

Since I broke NC it's obvious I need to try again. Back to day 1...but it doesn't feel right or the same. Like I don't need it or like I don't need to keep track. A mix of those two. I still have the feeling of not wanting to speak to you but...it's not out of spite or anger. Maybe I'm exhausted and my brain doesn't have the energy to stay angry or spiteful right now.

 

Or is it possible that I'm finally letting go? I should be happy that I am but...it doesn't feel right. Empty...hollow...like being in place with nothing but blackness as far as you can see. There is no echo when you call out. Just silence and blackness. But you're not afraid that you are alone.

 

What's happening?