Letter to my "ex" -- UPDATED Dec 14th -- Closure

[trishcollins]

See my latest post at the end of this thread.

 

****************************************

 

Update -- it's been 4 months since our breakup. My counseller feels my love for him can help him heal. She strongly suggested I write a letter reinforcing my love for him and perhaps he will stop feeling so much guilt and pain for having hurt me, and start to move forward. It's important to me that he does something, rather than stay in denial, and I am very frustrated that I can't help him. So, she suggested that this could help.

 

I worked very hard not to make this sound needy or whiney or make him feel guilty. I know I would be lying if I said I wasn't secretly hoping it might make him come back, but that is not why I am doing this. Anyway, it's long, but I would appreciate any comments. I am going to hand-write it and mail it. After my cousellers reads it and provides feedback.

[RayF]

you are a strong and emotionally intelligent person.

 

you're a really big person for doing that.

 

I loved my ex with all myheart but when she broke up with me, thugh it was in an honest manner, saying she needed to be on her own, i still can do nothing but resent her.

 

whats worse is that i hope she's having a hard time without me, that she's feeling pain. Especially since i am here in pain.

 

I hate our memories and wish i were rid of them forever because they hurt so bad.

 

What you are capeable of, to say and feel those things, i don't think my own insecurites will ever allow me to be that way.

 

I respect that allot, and i believe you genuinly love him.

[Soulfully]

Amazingly beautiful!

 

Your ex had the most precious diamond, and that was you

 

God bless.

Peace.

[onetallulah]

If only each and every human being on this earth was so emotionally evolved and enlightened, this site wouldn't need to exist. To love someone so deeply and let them go with love is the most selfless and divine thing another being can do. So although you probably feel tremendous sadness and grief over your loss, you are angelic in your heart, and that is what will really make you happy every day.

[trishcollins]

Thanks for all the great replies. I really strived to be "selfless" in my words. I really do love him, and I know he still loves me. But circumstances aren't allowing us to be together and I know he is a lot of pain and feels tremdenous guilt about breaking up. Had things not gone wrong, we would be married next year. However, I try not to dwell on that too much. Whenever I read that, I cry.

 

I may change it a little, correct some grammar, etc., but my counseller will go over it with me before I send it, for a final opinion.

 

Thanks everyone for your tremendous feedback and support. I certainly understand how you all feel.

[Foz]

wow, trish, you can really express yourself so well, that was beautiful..

you are so selfless in your grief and pain of losing him, that is a rare quality.

I myself spend most of my time hopping mad and resentful, as im sure do most people on this site.

Beautiful letter, i hope he cops onto himself and comes back to you after reading that!!

If not well you acted with the greatest of Dignity throughout this and will eventually find that kind of Love again!!

[trishcollins]

Thanks Foz,

 

I have been following your story for a long time now, and know what your are going through. You are also handling it very well despite how you think you are doing. Be strong. There is someone more worthy of your love than someone who is too blind to see what they have.

[trishcollins]

I was thinking of adding one more thing, but it might be getting to close to the "guilt" that I was trying to avoid.

 

"Your children need you now. I may not know what it's like to lose a parent at such a young age, but I do know what it's like to have a parent that is emotionally unavailable, and I certainly have empathy for how they would feel if you were not there for them."

 

My father was an alcoholic, and although was not abusive or mean, he was what we call "emotionally absent". He did what he wanted, when he wanted, with no regard as to how it affected anyone else. My "ex" knows all about it and how it affected me in my relationships later on. My father did stop drinking many years ago, but it was after we were all grown and gone from the house.

 

Thoughts?

[DragonGirl724]

i sent my ex a letter very similar said a lot of the same things you did, & i was blocked after that....not quite sure why.

 

hope this works out to your benefit. i understand how intense love is & the intensity that comes with losing it as well...

 

i sent my letter for similar reasons. out of sheer unselfishness in order to ease his mind for i knew he was depressed & confused w/ things in his life. in all good intentions, none to which i would benefit from expect the fact that he read it & understood how i felt that his happiness & contentment means more to me than he may ever realize.

 

its a very heartfelt letter & i hope hes ready to handle it. sometimes it just feels a little better just getting it all out....

 

-DG724

[trishcollins]

Hey Dragongirl,

 

I am not quite sure why anyone would block you after that, but who knows what goes on in other people's minds. I am with you though. I know I will feel better once I have said and done EVERYTHING I could to let him know I understand why he is doing what he is doing. What he does with that, I have no control over, but I am sure it will make me feel better. I do, expect, however, a small setback, when I hear nothing from him.

[Foz]

no, i think i would leave it and not bring your childhood into it because then he may start to pity you and feel guilt and the last thing we want is them pitying us huh??

[trishcollins]

no, i think i would leave it and not bring your childhood into it because then he may start to pity you and feel guilt and the last thing we want is them pitying us huh??

 

Thanks Foz. I was thinking the same thing. I usually go with my gut, but I wanted to get a second opinion.

[spacemarine2004]

Where do you find the strength to say such beautiful words, such beautiful thoughts?

 

You made me realize that breaking up is not about endings, but rather beginnings. I hope that I too can say the same things, to love and not to hate.

[trishcollins]

Where do you find the strength to say such beautiful words, such beautiful thoughts?

 

Did you notice my age I have had years of experience in this area.

 

I also know that when someone is in turmoile (like my ex) that you have to consider them, not yourself. That is really what love is supposed to be all about.

 

He really wasn't ready to move forward in a relationship, and made commitments beyond his capacity, but couldn't see it at the time. It's not that he didn't love me, he just couldn't commit to me right now.

 

Of course, it still hurts, but I know that in time I will get past the pain and the hurt, and know I did what I could to help someone I love very much. I know that he will see that too, and I know he will respect me for that, and in the end, that's all I can really ask from him.

 

I also know deep down that once you breakup with someone that something is broken and can never quite be fixed. The least I can do is end it on a mature, upbeat note, and move on. I know there will be someone else, when I am ready, and I can look back on my relationship with my ex and know I did everything to set things right. Somehow, that's a load off my heart.

 

Not everyone is in the same situation, and exes who cheated, lied or mislead you, are not always worthy of such adoration or praise. It's important to really examine why you are not with someone anymore, not just be devastated that your aren't. We do tend to idolize the person after we breakup with them, which is not necessarily a good thing. We need to take a good look at the relationship, and why it ended. If it was a good relationship, but the breakup was circumstancial (distance, timing, jobs, children, etc.) than doing what I am doing makes sense. It leaves both parties feeling better.

 

Anyway, if I have helped anyone, than I am happy. I am just greatful there is a site we can post how we feel and know we are not alone.

[sbrew21]

I think you are amazing and praise you for being so strong. I just don't get why we feel so hurt because of one person. There are so many people out there. Maybe love is actually blind and we don't seem to filter out the bad things. I know my ex wasn't good for me but yet I still want to be with him more than anything, and there is just nothing I can do except maybe move to his city which is virtually impossible. I just wish I could be as strong as you.

[trishcollins]

Maybe love is actually blind and we don't seem to filter out the bad things.

 

Probably a good thing, or no one would ever stay in a relationship

[trishcollins]

So, I went to see my counseller today, and was still unsure as to whether or not to send this letter. I told her I wasn't sure, and she said "if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you want him to know what's in that letter" and I said "yes" and she said "there's your answer".

 

I told her my concerns about how I don't want to look weak and clingy, and she said to stop thinking about what he will think of me for sending it, and try to focus on helping him and how it could affect him.

 

She also said it was okay to put in that I was still feeling angry about how he handled things, that to be honest was best. She thought the letter was great and feels that it's very mature and he would likely be grateful for it, as opposed to annoyed, which is what I keep thinking he will be.

 

However, we both agreed that it will not bring him back. And I am now at the point where I have almost accepted it's over, as well as I am starting to wonder if I would want him back after how he has treated me --- just shutting me out of his life completely without any recourse.

 

She says she thinks I am doing very well given the circumstances, and that I just need to focus on getting rid of the anger and moving forward. When I told her I thought this letter might give me closure, because if I hear nothing back, then I can close the door, she said if that works for me, then that's great too.

 

When I told her about how "business-like" he was in our last email exchange, and how I felt angry that he didn't even ask about my court case, she said that it sounds like he is suffering from post-traumatic-stress disorder. You shut down the "feeling" part of the brain and just don't deal with anything at all. I have to agree now that I look back on how he behaved, particularly between the time I hit the train and the breakup, he was a bit of a zombie at times. She says it was just all too much for him, his wife's death, breakup with me, etc. She said asking him to keep the relationship going would be like asking a cripple to run a marathon. He was and still is completely incapable.

 

She is not even sure he will get the help he needs, and says unless he does, he will not be able to function properly. She told me she had a similar client -- the guy's wife left him and he came in a few times, but the guy was really in denial about having a problem and stopped coming. That was a few years ago. He was back not that long ago, saying he cannot function. He's tried to "connect" with other woman and just can't. She is sure, having met my "ex" in one session, combined with all the things I told her, that he is the same.

 

Anyway, it was a good session, and I know that come the new year, I will be 100% ready to move on.

[Foz]

Trish,

 

you are amazing, i just read over your letter again and it is so beautiful but the thing that strikes me the most about it is it is so forgiving, i dont think i could ever be that forgiving..i know you are not sending him the letter hoping to get back with him but he would have to have a heart of steel not to want you back after receiving that letter..

 

When are you sending it??

[trishcollins]

When are you sending it??

 

I leave for a three week vacation on Dec 15th. Going to Tasmania to visit a girlfriend and meet her new husband. I will be there until Jan 3rd -- not missing the cold Canadian Christmas at ALL

 

I plan on hand-writing the letter, and dropping it in the post as I board the plane.

 

As for the heart of steel, as my counsellor said, he is incapable of connecting with the "feeling" part of his brain right now, so it may not have the full impact until much later.

 

She suggested I also send him a book she recommended on grieving. I am probably going to pick up a copy and read it myself before sending it. She said it was recommended to her by someone who lost a close family member, and that it really helped. I am not so sure how he will take it - like I am interfering where I have no business, but on the other hand, as she told me, don't think about how it makes you look, think about why you are doing it.

 

I will let everyone know one way or the other, what happens, but I suspect nothing will come of it, at least nothing I will ever know about.

[trishcollins]

Okay, I sent the letter this morning. I hand wrote the 8 pages, and put it in a card along with a book recommened by my counsellor ("Grieving After a Loss), and put it in the mailbox this morning. I read and re-read it before mailing it. I wanted to make sure there was nothing in it that he could misinterpret as a ploy to win him back. It's now officially in the mail, and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

I was going to hold off until I boarded the plane next week, but changed my mind. I don't want my trip ruined with me wondering if he will be in touch or not. I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping it would affect his decision in a positive way. He will have it by Wed and I leave on the 15th, so that gives him a week to react.

 

I really hope that I hear nothing, unless it's a huge change of heart (unlikely). I would hate to get some pathetic guilt-ridden "thank-you" email or card -- it's almost worse in my opinion. It just shows he doesn't get it. Better to hear nothing and go on my trip with a clean slate. That Anyway, either of those two responses -- nothing or some half-a**ed attempt to say thank-you will give me the closure I am looking for.

 

The truth is, I still love him, and by helping him, I hope it helps "us". Ultimiately want him to be happy -- but not at my expense.

 

I will post if I hear anything. My subconsious dreams are showing a happy ending, but my conscious mind is saying "don't get too excited, life is not a romance novel".

[Foz]

Well Trish,

Any response to your beautiful letter yet??

Anyway im here for you if you want to vent about it??

 

Moved in to my new place at the weekend and it was such a relief to leave the apartment that we once shared together. I now no longer wake up in the bed we shared and i am no longer surrounded by memories of him and the constant reminder that i am alone in the house because he left me. it was definitely a good move!! Feeling alot better now so once i get Christmas and New Years eve out of the way i should be feeling a whole lot better!

 

Foz

[trishcollins]

Nothing yet Foz, but thanks for asking.

 

I know he received my Christmas card yesterday, as another friend called to thank me for hers. They were all mailed on Monday, along with the letter. I am not sure he got that yesterday though, as it was in a small box and likely he will have to pick it up from the post office. I enclosed the book that my counsellor recommended. If he had to pick it up from the post office, he will probably get it today.

 

I am on pins and needles because I know what happens in the next few days will be it. I know I am not supposed to be hoping that this is a way to get him back, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am secretly wishing I "break-through" this mindset he has and get him to see that he can indeed, have it all.

 

Anyway, I ONLY want to hear from him if he wants to reconcile. I really don't want some guilt-ridden, fatherly-toned, "I am so sorry it happened" email AGAIN. All that says to me is, he just doesn't "get it" -- the reason I did the letter OR our relationship. Not hearing anything would be better than that.

 

I did get a nice Christmas card from his parents yesterday. It was nice, because I know it was unsolicited (they wouldn't have gotten the card from me until yesterday either), so I know they are thinking of me. That says a lot about how much I touched their lives, as they did mine.

 

Well, the new apartment sounds great. I know it must be hard to make that change, but as they say "this too shall pass". Take this time to do nice things for yourself.

 

I will post if I hear anything at all.

[trishcollins]

Just a quick update. No response at all to the letter. He has probably had it since Wed. I think at this point it is safe to say there will be no response.

 

In a way, that's a good thing, because unless he came rushing back with "I can't believe what a fool I was, please marry me" tattooed accross his forehead, I don't want to hear anything. I was worried I might get a "I am so sorry this happened, I never meant to hurt you" email. I think he has finally learned it's best to just not do anything rather than disappoint me again.

 

So, I finally have the closure I needed to move on. I leave for my trip on Wed and I am very excited. I don't have to worry about him anymore, because I have done everything to try and help him and he has choosen to go it alone. Tthere is nothing left I can do, excpet walk away with grace and dignity, knowing I gave it my best shot.

 

By not responding he is telling me he is finished, and that door is now closed. It's a relief in a way, albeit a sad one.

 

Here's to 2005. It's going to be a GREAT year.

[GreatGuy]

You're very hurt and but free to live and love more again. I was supposed to get married last months and it does hurt alot when I think of that. How things can flip so fast!!

 

ANyway just empty your heart and take all the time you need to fully heal, because when someone else somes into your life....You better be ready for they will be the one for you!

[trishcollins]

Thanks GreatGuy. Sorry about your marriage. Were going to be married too, although we didn't have a date set yet. It was implied. I guess life just throws you curves and you have to figure out how to handle them.

 

I will get past this, as I have with all the rest.