Dealing with obsessive ness

[dp]

I am finding myself to be too dependant on my girlfriend to make me happy. I dont have a whole lot of friends and basically work is the only thing that has kept me cool about things. But today I am off and was really looking forward to us hanging out, but then she apparently had other plans that she made (which was sort of mean to do being that yesterday we made plans for today and she didn't bring her other ones up)

 

Well yeah, there is always tonight as she said, and shes just having a busy weekend as she said... this is all perfectly understandable, whats the problem? Its me. Something deep inside just takes these things as like insults or something. I start feeling horrible and I start to want to do rash things, such as tell her that I dont want to talk to her, or not tell her I love her. Just stupid crap im doing and I know its stupid but I still have urges to do them. (Luckily for the most part I dont) Its almost like I want her to quit thinking about anything else and focus her attention back to me, like "oh im going to lose him, id better pay attention to him" Which is HORRIBLE! and I know its not what I want to do, but I still get the urges to do so...

 

I have read a lot on how needy, obsessive people are really hard to deal with in relationships. I wouldn't say I am really obsessive, but most of my days tend to revolve around her and I know this isn't healthy... especially if we are going to be separated at college here in a few months. After we got off the phone and I had got done making a fool of myself, I emailed her telling her that I was sorry and a lot of the things im saying here, as well as I think we should give the rest of the weekend and next week a break, so we can sort of give ourselves a little rest from each other. I dont know if thats going to help any, but I just want to learn how to live without her, but still love her as much as I do.

 

I know you cant be happy with someone else if you cannot be happy with yourself, and I really need to work on this.

 

It has gotten to the point where she is afraid of telling me shes going to do something in fear of me getting upset. She told me her mother needed her to do something, instead of her going to hang out with a friend, and i asked her why she lied, she said "to avoid this." From that point on, I felt like everything I said was just making the whole situation worse and I got off the phone.

 

She told me she wanted to hang out later tonight. I plan on calling her, but would going to be with her hurt things? Will I just slip right back into my state of mind thinking that if im not with her, im not happy? What do I really need to do to get myself happy as hell with her, but still happy without her?

 

I dont want her to have to put up with my crap anymore, was telling her for us to give it a week or so a bad idea?

 

Advice is greatly appreciated

 

Edit:

Just read this article https://www.enotalone.com/relationships/2499.html and it seems to be a lot of whats going on. I find myself doing a lot of those things, seem to sort of be around the obsessive phase because i have noticed that I just got out of my constantly worrying about her going off with some other guy problems (the anxious phase) but I still do worry sometimes.

 

But I do see what is going on, does that mean anything? Can I save this relationship or as the article says, am I doomed to destruction and the best way to get out of it is to start a new one, with someone else...

 

Also noticed that me telling her I want a few days apart, I think thats part of the obessive part where im trying to make her feel guilty to get more attention, man thats totally describing some of the actions I do... sheesh!

[SwingFox]

Hi dp,

 

You're on the right track! You're admitting that you might have a problem. That is step one. Step two is talking about it. You came here to open this topic up for discussion. Good job! Step three takes some gutts, because here's my suggestion:

 

Talk to your girlfriend about this. TELL her how you feel and that you feel obsessive and communicate that. Explain her that this is actually YOUR problem (not hers) and that you would like to do something about it. Ask her if she could help you with it. How?

 

It didn't help that you guys made plans and she broke them, by not telling that she had something else planned today. Ask her if she could be a little more sensitive towards that next time. It will help! If she loves you and cares about you, she will understand and realize. Ask her for reassurance once a while. I would find it AWESOME that my partner would ask me: "SwingFox, I need some words of comfort and support."

 

I hope these suggestions were helpful for you and I wish you good luck in this. I hope that things will work out for you.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Not_so_sure]

Hello. Your post reminded me of a relationship that I had a while back with a woman and some lessons that I learned from it. I think you've identified this as your problem. I think the next step is to do something about it. Counselling for yourself would be a good idea. Becasue I think you understand that it is a self-esteem issue. You seem to be dependant on her for your own happiness and you need to be resposnsible for your own happiness. I have lost myself in a relationship by spending so much time with that other person doing their thing and following their agenda that I forgot what I liked to do and to do those things that I liked to do. Perhaps you should take an inventory of your personal interests and start pursuing some of them on your own. That would give you some time out on a regular basis. I think that would be a better approach and an approach that uses small steps to working on the issue. I think it might work better for you in your relationship rather than saying to her to suddenly take a lengthy break. That sounds to me more like something you do when things are altogether getting pretty bad. It sounds to me more like a trial separation and I don't think that you sound interested in possibly ending the realtionship. But either way, I agree with the earlier response that you should explain to her what is going on and ask for her understanding.

[dp]

Swingfox, Not_so_sure, Zoe, I really appreciate the advice! So much!

Ive started talking with her about this and its really no problem at all. I know she will understand and help me work at getting over some of my problems. Mutual dependance is a large part, but i'm finding it hard to let her go out and do her own thing occasional with friends. If I were to say "no you cant go out!" id then have a whole other problem on my hands (controlling). I think I should be able to let her go out and have fun and not have to worry what she is doing every 5 seconds.

 

But I plan on showing her that article and talking with her about it later. She came over lastnight (is still here) and we had a really great time. I'm glad I didn't keep the temporary distance thing going...

 

Thanks agian guys! I love this place so much lol

[EQIQ]

man.. this post is soooo old... but i am soo happy its here exact same situation going on in my life, and feels good to realise im not a freak I guess ima have to talk to my gf abt this.