Mans perspective

[sageblue]

I have yet to have a real affair but am in a position where I think I easily could. This young girl who I kind of rescued sees me as a Father figure. I am the only person in the World who knows basically everything about her. She sits there opposite me srying and telling me about her spiral downhill in life. She describes her perfect man, and he is basically me. She even suggests I shoud leave my wife because I need to do it while I am young enough. When I respond, "I am 37 and have 2 kids, thats too much baggage", she responds that women dont really care about that.

 

In other words, I have gone from mentor/employer/Father figure, to possible lover. She would never make a move, even though she was a stripper, she is extremely introverted and shy. My problem is, I love her genuinely. I dont want to have an affair with her because I dont want her to be hurt anymore. She was rejected by her fiance, had an affair with her friends fiance, her Mother died at 16 and her Father turned his back on her. She NEEDS help, I do not want to hurt her. I am worried about the next predatory male who will seek her out.

 

So, what the hell do I do? Leave my wife and kids and protect this girl who is only 23. Watch some mungrel hurt her? WHAT?

 

I am assertive, I am strong, I look pretty good, I am ambitious, I am basically the Daddy she always wanted. I have invested myself in to this girl. WHAT do I do? I dont want to turn her into my roote rag, but someone will. She had a nice boyfriend, but he was a (boy)friend, she needs a (man)friend.

 

See, not all we philander males are [PROFANITY REMOVED BY MODERATOR], we are often as confused as you women. At 37 I look better than I did at 27, my wife doesn't. Nature is unfair to women. Just plain unfair. Men get more powerful, better looking, prosper and the woman has kids, loses her identity and her figure....IT SUCKS.

[pineapplegirl]

sage: I responded to you on my posting for Do's and Don'ts...

[Mun]

Hello there,

You are right she needs help, but what you are considering is not going to help her at all. She needs to learn to fend for herself and protect herself from anyone who will take advantage of her vulnerabilities. You can't do this for her. This is something she has to do on her own. What you can do is be her friend and be there for her. You can also suggest she get counseling to help her sort out all the things she is carrying with her.

 

If you step in, you will be protecting her from others, but then she will never learn to protect herself. What will she do when you aren't there to rescue her?

 

If you have an affair with her you will hurt her-- no doubt...and you may hurt yourself too.

[tea]

T_T Why can't you help her when you're just her friend?

 

... I don't get your logic.

 

Are you barred from helping her when you're just her friend? Or does helping her require a small fee of free excitement, romance, chemistry, and sex?

 

... >_

[sageblue]

Re read my post, I think I made it pretty clear that I DONT want to hurt her. She is hopeless on her own, I cant be ther 24/7 unless I am literally there. My dilema is not having an affair, I wouldn't do that to her. My dilemma is the choice between my wife and kids and her.

 

The other thing is, I am trying NOT to be predatory. SHE wants to be with me unless I am the worse body language reader of all time. So, dont be angry with me, empathize with me. Do I give her what she wants? How do I help her and, oh hell, whats the line of least pain for everyone? I am not a guy who gets involved and confused, in my prime I was more predatory but this girl brings out the nurturer in me. WHY? I just dont know.

 

I am offended at your "fee on the side" comment, if that was the case I would simply have an affair and not pour my bloody heart out online. I hate the way you off hand dismiss me as some pig when I have tried so hard to be the exact opposite.

[sageblue]

I am sorry tea, I just read your age detail. You are younger than the confused girl I am trying to help...sorry, I am really more interested in advice from people who have lived more life. When you have had friends die, nursed a woman dying who you love, failed, won, lost, been betrayed, had kids, lost everything, worked hard etc etc etc, I would then listen to your advice.

 

Now, that sounds horrible but I would listen to you on any sibject you studied and I certainly wouldn't think I am more intelligent than you, just, this is perhaps a little heavy for you to really understand.

[tough_girl]

Hey there.

 

I can see that you've caught yourself in a little blunder.

 

Well, as you see, the girl needs to be able to protect herself. If you keep on protecting her, she will not learn. Complications may arise in future.

 

You need to think about all the parties involved here. As far as I can see, you were only talking about the girl and what would happen to her if you leave her.

 

 

Have you thought about your wife and your kids yet? Your kids are relatively young. If you leave them at such an age, they would grow up in hatred and anger of what you're about to do.

 

Your wife and your two kids adds up as THREE people there while that girl is only a person. That's three against one.

 

On top of that, how do you know that everything the girl tells you are true. I hate to be stereotypical here but you should know the way most strippers work. The girl might be conning you all along.

 

Of course, I don't know if all this are true and I'd need more information before I pass judgement. I apologise if this post has somehow offended you in anyway but I just hope you think carefully before you do anything. Think about what you want rather than what other people want. Do what you think is right. Think about the people you're involving here as well. Best wishes from me.

[peanut15]

First of all, you are getting yourself into an affair situation..its called an emotional affair. Second, who is SHE to tell you to pick her over your wife and kids and who are you to even think about it? You are not helping her at all and for you to come back and say you are..you are blind. She is doing nothing but trying to use you to make herself feel better and she's playing the sympathy card on you and you my friend are falling for it. You don't know much about women and the games they play and you are being played in her little game. Oh please...yeah she has led this tragic life where everyone has seemed to leave her or reject her but you know what, it is NOT your place to save her. You can help her get her back into the right direction but don't give her sympathy. There are organizations, help groups, etc SHE can get herself involved in that could led her in the right directions...getting a better job (a stripper...tells all), friends, self esteem...I could go on.

 

A woman doesnt need a man to get her out of a rut..she needs herself. I am sorry to be harsh but it seems like you really need someone to get yourself and ego in check. You are telling us you are good looking, strong...etc...so what does that have to do with helping her get back on her feet? Just doesn't make sense.

 

For your information before you possibly try to go off about my post...when I was in graduate school, I met and had to deal with a lot of non profit organizations. These organizations were there to help those like your female friend. Many of these places, helped with job training, housing, counseling and many other things. I suggest if you want to help her that you investigate these types of non profit organization so you could concentrate on your wife and kids.

[pineapplegirl]

Hi Sage,

 

>peanut provides some very good insight. There are a lot of support groups for women like your friend...

 

>On an emotional level: sometimes women who are aware of those groups don't take advantage of them because they don't think they will help. I wonder why you feel "obligated" to rescue her? Have you thought about that at all?

 

>Not judging, just asking from a different point of view. Let me know what you think.

[sageblue]

She didn't say to me to leave my wife for her, she said I should leave my wife because I am not happy and my wife is cold. When she had a boyfriend she would say that my wife and I will patch things up. In other words, it is a subtle thing. We have deep and meaningfuls all the time but I recently started to see what my wife has said along...she wants to be with me. Its a hundred little things, body language, time togther, what she tells me and nobody else, who she describes as the perfect man. When she finally said that women wouldn't mind my having baggage, etc, I finally realised that she probably wants a relationship with me.

 

She would never pursue me directly, it isn't her style. She would hint at things. So, I only recently realized that she wants me. PROBLEM, I want her but I dont want to hurt my wife and kids. It is just so damn painful. If I dont pursue anything, nothing will happen, thats the plain truth. I just dont know what I want.

 

Pineapple may be correct, she provides me with those things my wife doesn't. She respected my thoughts, she sees me as her mentor/leader, she actually needs me. This girl should have had a Brady Bunch life but it all went horribly wrong and her Father is to blame. A strict Catholic who said she couldnt have a man until she had a career. When her Mother died he basically went out and got another woman and said, do what you want, just accept this new wife, Im starting over. She lost everythig.

 

I love her, how do I stop loving her?

[pineapplegirl]

We have deep and meaningfuls all the time but I recently started to see what my wife has said along

 

Sage,

 

>i'm not sure what you mean by this. Please clarify...

[sageblue]

She was a friend of my wifes initially, they both are in HRM. My wife is a very tall, attractive woman who has many friends basically, she was one. Look, I know this is the most common story in the World, I wont really labor the point too much. I think that this girl is simply a very mixed up person, she was from a strict family in the Mid West and she probably should have stayed there.

 

I know how this all ends and I wont let it happen. Yesterday she was a heap of fun to be with and had a good day. If she can have more good days then bad days, thats what matters most. There is no happy ending, sometimes you just have to let go I guess. Anyway, it's time I should get off to work, so I will be catching up.

 

You take care Pineapple, you deserve better, a lot better. Its gonna be a cold winter.

[pineapplegirl]

Thanks Sage. PM me if anything develops either way. It's funny the things we settle for isn't it???

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I had to respond to this. Let me get this straight:

1) You're married at 37 and you have 2 kids.

2) You have deep and meaningful conversations with a 23 year old. (deep and meaningful to whom?.... How? Why? About what? HER?) You have 14 years on her and have all of those years of experience under your belt that she has no idea about. Secondly, why don't you have those conversations with your wife?

3) (and this one is a speculation)... You spend more time with this woman than you do with your wife and kids, probably combined.

 

Well this is an easy one. She's stroking your ego, you're feeling stroked, and you're tempted to ditch your family for her so you'll always be seen as Mr. Hero, every man's dream (until they get bored of being "daddy" and want a real partner. After all, if you wanted another kid, just have one. And if you want to help underprivileged people there are always places taking volunteers for things like that. But once you go too far one night, you're going to regret it all because you'll have lost everything that really matters to you and this 23 year old will have shacked up with a new guy, laughing at you because she has played you. She is saying those "hintful" things because she wants to see if she CAN get you to leave your wife, and then she's going to tell you that SHE doesn't want you either. Don't you see it? It's all a game. She's playing the VICTIM to gain your sympathy, money, gifts, or whatever you're providing her with. Look at her history. Not a good track record. This person has no self confidence because she allows herself to be portrayed as a victim, whether she was or wasn't. I doubt that much that she says is true, like another poster said, she's using you.

 

The woman deserves an Emmy for her performance. Someone who is up to no good is the only person who would tell someone that they should leave their wife because they can see that you're unhappy and then turn around and describe their perfect partner, which HAPPENS to describe YOU. Geez, it's like she's 12 or something.

 

I really think YOUR self esteem is very low right now and you are finding comfort in this girl because you can be her knight in shining armour. But you WON'T be because as soon as you ruin things with your wife/family, she will ditch you so quick you won't even be able to blink. She's doing this because she CAN. And you're allowing it.

 

I wonder what your wife thinks of all this. Perhaps she is thinking of leaving you because you spend so much time with this other woman. How would that make you feel?

 

I truly hope you can see what you are doing needs to be corrected. As someone else said, you are already cheating, emotionally. Please end it before it all blows up in your face.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but I absolutely HATE to see people have any kind of extramarital affairs.... it is such a mistake and is never worth it.

[mier]

I think the girl is playing you and you should run like hell. This can't be good. I don't mean to be harsh, but is she thinking of your best interests?

Maybe you are just flattered and like the attention. What if she took that away from you suddenly. Never fall for a girl who is looking for a father figure. Why not turn around and look at your wife and appreciate her for the reasons you married her. She needs all the support she can get for raising your kids. Don't let this girl make a fool of you. What kind of friend can she be?

[pineapplegirl]

Sage:

When you weigh out what you want to do with your wife/kids and what you want to do about your "friend", please take into account that you only live once...While other readers have been explicitly clear that they think this girl is playing you, I can only offer my perspective, having been in your "friend"s position. I wanted nothing more than to make the man that I was with happy. I was patient, and irrespective of how things turned out (he is getting divorced), that is all I still want for him. Whether or not him being happy is with me is still yet to be seen. And, just FYI, I started seeing him when I had just turned 23. I'm neither stupid, or naive, and I knew exactly what I was getting into. I am in a well respected field. I did not play this man for money, or gifts or anything. I had genuine and legitimate feelings for him, and I still do! Whether or not this girl is "plotting" to see if you'll divorce your wife for you to be with her is something that only you can determine. While I am sympathetic to the other readers' opinions, you are still the only one that can judge her CHARACTER, and whether or not she's playing you for a fool...Take care of yourself...

[Princess777]

When people fall for unavailable people, they are having problems with personal boundaries and self esteem. Letting go of unavailable people is hard for them, whereas some other people would never even allow it to happen in the first place because of their personal boundaries. If anyone sees themselves getting into a pattern like this, it is because they want to be "chosen" over someone else or for a compelling reason, to make them feel worthy of that person's attention and to make them feel better.

 

There are a lot of books/articles out there to help people let go of unavailable people..... I hope those that are experiencing this can benefit from them.