He broke up with me, but did I make myself clear?

[CutieGirl]

He broke things off for reasons that could have been worked out. There was no infidelity on either part, just him giving up and feeling insecure and "less than" again. Despite all my efforts and all my love, we had been drifting apart for a while - breaking up surely wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't have the strength to try and talk him out of leaving one more time.

 

I was so feed up with his behavior I just accepted his decision. (I didn't want him to think I just couldn't "go on living without him").

 

I got up, packed a box with all the personal belongings he had around my home and gave it to him, but I also put ALL the gifts he gave ME in that box too and told him goodbye.

 

For those of you that have been dumpers, how would getting your gifts back make you feel if someone you dumped did it that so quickly?

[JamesG8383]

Yeah the message was pretty clear. I kept the gifts that my ex gave me, and she kept hers. She even kept the pictures of me that I gave her. I think what you did was pretty straight forward and it probably hurt him a lot.

[CutieGirl]

Part of me wanted him to be hurt too, just like I was hurt. He was having such a hard time "feeling good" about us and seeing things "clearly", maybe now he can feel the LOSS of a woman that once treated you like a king and loved you as hard as she knew how!

 

My heart was bleeding because he would say he loves me and then turn around and just give up on our relationship.

 

I'm so angry at him for leaving me to fix everything that wasn't right with us. I should not have had to carry our whole relationship by myself.

[DN]

If you feel the relationship could have been saved and was ended prematurely then call him up and ask him to talk.

[CutieGirl]

No. I just can't do it anymore. He needs to grow the hell up!!!

 

I always talk him back in. ALWAYS! He talks about leaving not because he really wants to leave, but because he has totally convinced himself beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can NOT make me happy. This is ridiculous to me! He's everything I want!!! When he broke up with me he was depressed, confused and just thinking crazy.

 

Everytime things get tough he pulls that "Oh Baby, I don't think I'm gonna be good enough for you" crap! And in return every time I shower him with love to reassure him, but he still can't/won't see it. Right now I'm so feed up! He ruined a beautiful relationship because he couldn't get over himself.

 

Anyway, it's been 2 very difficult weeks since it all happened. There's been NC from him to me, and none from me to him.

 

I can only hope with enough time and space between us he'll see there is only unconditional love from me and we really do need to try to reconcile. If he doesn't come back for me, I'll just have to live with it some how.

[capilot]

Gifts to you are your property and it's perfectly acceptable to keep them. If someone returned the gifts I gave them, I would feel like I'd been slapped in the face.

[Gilson]

Gifts to you are your property and it's perfectly acceptable to keep them. If someone returned the gifts I gave them, I would feel like I'd been slapped in the face.

 

Agreed. Insult to injury. Such a cruel and hateful act.

[pl3asehelp]

I would feel they are petty and not be hurt by it at all. Gifts are are gifts and were given at a time when things were good. I certainly wouldn't want them back. If you don't want them, give them so someone else or throw them away. It's just unappreciative to return a gift to the person that gave it to you.

[DN]

Then move on and stop concerning yourself with him.

 

You can't have it both ways.

[ghost1ee]

This is also similar to my past relationship. My ex-gf was always the one breaking up with me for her own personal reasons. We broke up about 3-4x in the span of about 3.5 years. All of the breaking up was initiated by her, so she was the dumper on all cases. Most of the reasons was not about infidelity either, but more of her insecurities about herself and the relationship. I'd always try to take her back, until the last BU of June this year, I just got tired of kept taking her back in. Until just a couple months ago, she told me she's been talking to a new guy. So a week or two after she broke the news, we're now on strict NC with each other.

 

I kept all her gifts to me. I'm not going to throw them away or get rid of them at all. I'm gonna keep it sealed up (which I did today), and maybe open it up in the future when I've finally healed and moved on with a new girl or with my life. I kind of looked at it today and it really hurt me. I almost broke down. I'm pretty sure my ex threw all of my gifts for her. I bet she ripped them all apart.

 

I guess you returning your gifts to him is kind of weird. You should have just got rid of it if you wanted to get rid of it because they were your property now. He might have gotten hurt most likely. But yea, you definitely made it clear for him.

[CutieGirl]

Wow, so I was suppose to be kind and thiughtful to the man that dumped me and left me hanging again? I'm suppose to be considerate and caring of HIS feeling while he's leaving me????

He dumped me the day after telling me he loved me which also hapened to be the day after he got a clean bill of heath from a month long cancer scare. I never left his side. He dumped me the day before Thanksgiving. He had hurt me in more ways than I can name, and I still stayed right by his side to support him.

I didn't care at time if HIS feelings were hurt after all the pain he had put me threw. I didn't want to have anything of his left behind.

[DN]

Wishing for someone to do something doesn't mean they will. It's pointless saying things like "he has to grow-up" or "he has to come back to me" and getting upset if he doesn't. If you want him back then talk to him because anything else is whistling in the wind. If you don't want him back then move on.

[ghost1ee]

Wow, so I was suppose to be kind and thiughtful to the man that dumped me and left me hanging again? I'm suppose to be considerate and caring of HIS feeling while he's leaving me????

He dumped me the day after telling me he loved me which also hapened to be the day after he got a clean bill of heath from a month long cancer scare. I never left his side. He dumped me the day before Thanksgiving. He had hurt me in more ways than I can name, and I still stayed right by his side to support him.

I didn't care at time if HIS feelings were hurt after all the pain he had put me threw. I didn't want to have anything of his left behind.

 

I know how you feel. I guess sometimes we just can't stop our emotions from going through. Like my case, my ex really hurt me for having feelings with this new guy she's talking to. I would have gone crazy if I didn't release all my anger and jealousy inside of me that night. After I vented at her that night, I felt better inside. I know what you mean. After my vent, it really pushed her away. She does not want to talk to me now, but at least my pain is finally gone.

 

But sometimes, we have to think to control our anger and feelings. I realized I've been going over the top with my feelings. If only I had controlled them, things would be different. But I definitely can relate to what you mean. If someone hurt us, our first instinct is revenge. That idea of action-reaction from physics.

[Saudades]

Ouch. Petty is how I'd describe it yeah, but in the end it was your way of coping, and you're entitled to that. 'All's fair in love and war' is garbage, but breakups do relate a bit. You made a heat of the moment half-mistake, and it's not the end of the world. After all, you're supposed to be done with each other.

[humanity]

Girl, you did the right thing. He made his bed, not he has to lay in it. I'm proud of you for giving his gifts back - leaves no room for him to ask for any of it back down the line. Now let the healing begin.....

[TheNewGuy]

Well to answer your original question about giving stuff back. I've never had things given back to me, but I had an ex whom I boxed all of her stuff up, came by her house, she met me on her front porch and I gave it to her. I didn't say a word and I left without ever looking back. I honestly couldn't look at the stuff anymore and didn't see a need to trash it.

 

This all happened 4.5 years ago. Well this girl and I have turned out to be really good friends even though she's an ex (odd right?) We were talking one day and she brought up "that day" I brought her stuff back and she said it was really heart breaking. She also let me know that me not speaking to her that day really hurt. She wanted so bad for me to talk to her. Of course I feel a bit bad about it now, because she really is and was a nice girl. So I can assure you what you did probably made it pretty clear to him. Some people may disagree with it, but if you're over it, you're over it.

[capilot]

If you want to return the gifts he gave you, feel free. Maybe he deserves a slap in the face.

 

He'll probably have to throw them out anyway. What else is he going to do, give them to some other girl?

[CutieGirl]

Thanks for understanding!

 

I was so quiet and peaceful after he broke it off I'm sure he was thrown off a little, but my "actions" were that of a woman in shock. I never cried or begged him to stay. I had had enough. I went completely numb as I put each of those items in that box. I was like a robot responding to one command: Purge!

 

I unlocked my door, told him BYE and left him standing there as I walked away.

 

But the next day I talked to a friend about the what depression does to people. I realized this might have been a big reason why he had been acting so irrationally. He wasn't off the hook for breaking things off (he has to be accountable for his actions) but I DID have enough compassion and "mental composure" to send him one final text. I let him know I AM sensitive to the fact that the depression/fatigue may have affecting his thinking and that I hope he gets the rest/time he needs to find happiness and lastly if he needs me I'm here.

 

All I can do now is hope things turn around.

[CutieGirl]

Wishing for someone to do something doesn't mean they will. It's pointless saying things like "he has to grow-up" or "he has to come back to me" and getting upset if he doesn't. If you want him back then talk to him because anything else is whistling in the wind. If you don't want him back then move on.

 

DN - I would think as a man you would know that it's not as simple as that when a woman deals with a man. You may not want to admit it but sometimes men respond better when you finally get fed up and leave their asses in the cold.

 

You telling ME to "just call him" at this point makes absolutely no sense to me at all. That hasn't worked, I quietly stepped aside. He needs to find himself again and see what he lost. I hope and pray he can one day, but it won't be because I called him.

[sharky988]

From what I remember, your text was very nicely worded and compassionate and definitely left the door open for him to contact you.

 

I wouldn't focus on packing up his stuff and the gifts -- your last communication with him was the text and it let him know you were still there for him and cared about him.

 

I think you're just hitting a rough patch in your NC. For me, the third week is always brutal because those first two weeks it still seems likely you'll hear from your ex....whereas at the third week point it starts to sink in that he's really not making contact and it feels more real.

 

That's how it is for me, anyway.

[DN]

DN - I would think as a man you would know that it's not as simple as that when a woman deals with a man. You may not want to admit it but sometimes men respond better when you finally get fed up and leave their asses in the cold.

 

You telling ME to "just call him" at this point makes absolutely no sense to me at all. That hasn't worked, I quietly stepped aside. He needs to find himself again and see what he lost. I hope and pray he can one day, but it won't be because I called him.

Your generalisations about gender tells me that you are simply not experienced enough to be able to make wise decisions over this matter. In the light of that, I think you should just move on and stop wasting emotional energy.

[CutieGirl]

Your generalisations about gender tells me that you are simply not experienced enough to be able to make wise decisions over this matter. In the light of that, I think you should just move on and stop wasting emotional energy.

 

 

DN, I see you.

 

Thank you for your "generalized" response and false assumption, but I am 41 yrs old - I have dated many men (that would be "more than you").

 

I don't think there is one way to skin a cat. but I'm starting to think you do. Please don't tell me I am generalizing about men. You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

 

If I lack any judgement at all it's because I am "working through" my emotionally attachment - it takes time to do this. Contrary to your standard reasoning to most OP's here, it is not easy to just Move On/Get Over It/Call Him. You wouldn't tell people whose loved ones have died to just "Move On". Well, that's what it's like for people who are going through a break-up. We feel like someone has died. We must go through the greiving process at our own pace.

 

Since you think it's the WISEST thing to do in this situation, why do YOU go talk to him, 'cause I am not.

 

Aside from that if my questions irritates you so, you are free to move on too.

[CutieGirl]

From what I remember, your text was very nicely worded and compassionate and definitely left the door open for him to contact you.

 

I wouldn't focus on packing up his stuff and the gifts -- your last communication with him was the text and it let him know you were still there for him and cared about him.

 

I think you're just hitting a rough patch in your NC. For me, the third week is always brutal because those first two weeks it still seems likely you'll hear from your ex....whereas at the third week point it starts to sink in that he's really not making contact and it feels more real.

 

That's how it is for me, anyway.

 

Thanks Sharky988. I pray this whole ordeal is just one big rough patch and not our final end. It is difficult not to think about him at all, but it's getting more bearable every day. I do cry a lot less often now and for once my emotions are slightly more manageable.

 

For now, I am learning how to carry on throughout the days. I am seeing things from a more objective viewpoint than before and I have thrown myself into various social activities that have filled up my time and mental attention. It's the most I can do right now.

[DN]

Of course people have to move on at a reasonable pace - but they do have to start and some don't even do that.

 

What doesn't make sense is when people allow false reasoning, pride, inaccurate generalisations and stubbornness to stand in the way of their own happiness. On one occasion on here someone being stubborn over a broken relationship finally did what I suggested and is now in a long-term relationship with that former ex with a child. She said to her boyfriend about me "this is the guy that got us back together". That is not the only time something similar has happened so please don't assume I am speaking with no experience.

[CutieGirl]

OK DN - Fair enough Sir.