Need to ramble

[Misty2004]

I feel sad but i think I did the right thing.

 

I meet someone, I liked him a lot. He was in a relationship at the time. I do not share. He came back to be and said his relationship was over. That he knew months before he meet me that it wasn't working, that they weren't right for each other.

 

He's x was from different country. she decided to go home, booked her flight for 2 months after it was off. We decided then, just after it was off with them, that we had plenty of time. She was hurt over the break up, wanted him back, but he didn't want to go there. but we decided that we would wait until she left the country, before we started dating.

For the 2 months between when it was off and when she went home, she continued to live there becuase she didn't have anyplace else to go. He found that hard. Loads of arguments between them. loads of tears. But he never wavered in he's resolve that he wanted to be with me. Wanted to start a relationship with me.

 

But in those 2 months, we remained friends. We developed an emotional connection. We made plans for when we could date. What we would do.

 

So the 2 months passes. Only a few weeks ago. We start dating. something doesn't feel right. He seems distant. He seems remote.

 

so it turns out that he misses her more that he thought he would. He knew that they weren't right for each other. when he broke it off, he knew it was the right thing to do. He felt relieved and he was looking forward to starting a new relationship with me. then when she left he felt bereft. He feels sad and lonely. He never expected to feel like this. He feels guilty when he's with me. He says he's feelings for me haven't changed, but he feels numb, emotionally drained.

He's head tells him that it's right, that they weren't right for each other. He's head tells him that we can have a great relationship. But he's heart is sad. He doesn't know what his heart wants.

 

I can understand this. He didn't give himself time to mourn his old relationship, before looking forward to a relationship with me.

 

So I let him go.

Last wednesday, I told him he needs to figure out whether he wants a relationship with me. At the time I thought i was prepared to wait.

But yesterday I realised thst I couldn't do that to myself. I couldn't put my life on hold for someone that doesn't know if they want me or not. That wouldn't be fair on me.

so I let him go to mourn he's relationship. I told him I love him. I told him that i thought we could have a great relationship. but that I knew I couldn't do that on my own. that I needed someone that wanted that too.

I told him that I was moving on.

but I also told him that there was nothing stopping him catching up with me in the future if he wanted too, if it wasn't too late.

 

I put this all in a letter and gave it to him yesterday. And from that moment, I went NC.

 

I think he will probably be sad but also a bit relieved. He can't deal with a new relationship now, no matter how much he wants too. I know he cares for me. so he will miss me too.

 

Today, I feel sad, even tho it's the right thing to do. Even tho I know i couldn't do anything else. I'm crying as i write this.

 

He was a wonderful man. He never lied to me or mislead me. He never did me wrong. He is just not emotionally available to have a relationship.

 

I'm just sad

[chai714]

Misty - You did the right thing by letting him go. As you said, he wasn't emotionally available to you, nor did he have enough time to heal from his former relationship. You also show a lot of self-respect in choosing not to wait for him, even though you still have strong feelings for him. One never knows what the future holds, but you seem to have a good grip on the present. Keep your head up; you've made all the right moves.

[angel607]

Hi Misty.

 

I've had to do similar with someone I was deeply in love with before. It's one of the hardest things to do, but I got a lot of strength from it, as I think you will too. It's a brave and mature thing to do, and it will hurt, but from the sounds of things it was the best thing to do. Keep smiling and feel proud you had the stength to do it.

 

Lorri

[Misty2004]

Thank you both for your kind words. They do help

[Misty2004]

and i'm thinking for the last week

 

What is I was bn strong walking away ....

What if i did it because it was the easy thing to do .....

Instead of facing rejecting, I walk away , so they can't reject me .........

Becuase I can't handle rejection

 

The last week has made me look at my whole life ..... the way I interact with me ........ people always see me as this strong person .....

 

I've always hidden my emoyions, becuase I'm scared ......... I'm scafred that people will think less of me ......... I'm scared that people will feel sorry for me ............. I'm scared that people will pity me ......

 

I was brought up in a family ewhere we had to keep a lot of secrets ..... where I couldn't tell people the whole turth about what went on at home because I didn't want them to think any less of me ...........

 

There is so much more going on in my head right now ..... too much to write

 

But I realised that I am alone now because I never let anyone in ........ I never let myself get close to anyone because I was scared ........ that is why i walked away last week ........... because I was scared

 

My first post gave the bare bones, the stuff I was projecting ............ they way I wanted to see it .............. to fit in with me walking away

 

 

Maybe he just needed me to open up to him ............. maybe becuase I have so much trouble actually letting go in a relationship, becuse I don't want to be seen as needy .... because I'm always so scared that I'm annoying the person that .. they'rre just bn nice to be becuase they're nice people

 

I have decided that i have come to a place in my life that i need to change ....... that the reason that i haven't ever had a loving and whole relationship in my life is becuase of me ......... is because i won't give enough of myself

 

So I am going to ask him for lunch tomorrow, I am going to lay it on the line .......... that I love him , that he is the only person that made me want to change myself, that the problems we had were not becuase of his feelings, but also becuase of the way i reacted to them ... that i think we can work it out ..... that i truly in my heart want to ...........

 

honestly, i want him to turn sround tomorrow and say " oh that's what i want too"

 

realisitically, i know, even if it's hard to accept, that maybe it's too late, or that maybe he will have nothing at all to say about it at all, and then have to take ages to fiugre out what he wants

 

But if I don't do it now ............. will I bottle out of the next relationship too becuse of all the same feelings .............

 

Maybe I need to let go of my insecurity and put my heart on the line for once in my life, because if I don't do it at some stage, i will be in and out of failed relationships forever

[trishcollins]

Whoa, there's a lot of stuff going on here. First, I think what you did with the letter was the right thing to do. My own releationship is very similar, although he made the call to end it, not me. He needs to sort out his life before he can be in a relationship, and we both know the waiting is not fair, so although it hurts, I have to respect what he is doing and why.

 

Anyway, I think you are right to let him go sort out his life. It sounds like he cares about you very much, but he can't be with someone when he is still hurting over his last relationship, even if he is the one that ended it. Relationships are supposed to be happy when they start, not full of stress and turmoile.

 

As for you, I think you need to work on you own happiness and perhaps get some counselling (the references to family). You need to build up confidence and self-esteem. You seem to have all the right "stuff" to be able to do that. But, you need to do it on your own. Once you are strong on your own, you will be strong enough in a relationship.

 

Take some serious time to think about it. Would it be fair to him for you to burden him more with your own emotional baggage (sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but not sure how else to put it). I know that if you love is strong for each other, there will be the right time. But it sounds like now isn't the right time.

 

Be strong.