He broke up with me but still wants to see me?

[Lostndazed]

Over the weekend, my bf of 7 months broke up with me saying that 'we are not in a place to date' and that he really likes me and enjoy spending time with me and would still like to see me. I didn't know how to react! 7 months and now he does this? Details at the bottom.... If you don't want to read, just give me a word of advice so I don't pick up the phone.

 

We both live with our parents, and we are both 28. He moved back a year ago to get his credit cards paid off, also he resigned from his other job due to stress and insomnia. I moved back because I couldnt find a job after graduation. I started college when I was 23. I got a fulltime job recently with the State but I still had my car to pay off so recently my girlfriend hooked me up with a weekend job at her Tea Store. I was cool with it because extra $$ meant paying off bills faster.

 

However 2 month ago, I wasn't doing so well financially. I was really broke, and I felt liek a failure. Nobody was calling me and I felt like such a failure. I was also having car issues and repairs cost $700-$800. I was really depressed and my ex (current bf at the time) was supportive but I was unconsciously trying to sabotage our relationship because I didn't want him to see how poor and hopeless I was. Well eventually he did break up with me in October... I begged him for two weeks to let me back in! I told him that I just feel so low and that he was too good for me. He said he had some thinking to do but if he call me, he'll call me.

 

In early November he contacted me and said he miss me and would like to see me again. I was really happy and believed I got my baby back. But two weeks after, he breaks up with me again this time- this was out of the blue. We saw each every weekend, it was a long distance relationship. When we got back together, he told me that the fire station could only put him on as part-time so all his payments would go towards gas and bills. I understood, so I paid everything for the last two dates, including the hotels. I had a stable 40-week job with the state, so I didn't mind. I told him that I wanted to pay off my car and move out early next year. He said he might go back to school and we spoke about moving out together. It was agreed that we would pay 50/50 for rent. He told me he still had about $2500 to pay off for his car. I on the other hand, make more so I can pay off my car in 3 months. He said he didnt know when he can pay off his car, which kind of made me joke if he can budget- he got upset and snapped "of course i can but i told you i can only find out what my schedule is on the week of." We are hanging out the whole day and he cuts our date short saying he has to be up at 3 tomorrow.

 

Next day, we talked on the phone and he says we arent n the place to date right now. He said that he likes me, I'm an awesome person and still wants to see me but just can't date. I don't know what to say and I thought maybe it had to do with him not having $$ so I tell him that we don't have to spend time on the weekends as long as we talk and text every day. He doesn't respond. So I waited the next night to ask him to clarify if he still see a future between us and if not, just tell me so I don't waste my time trying to get his attention. He text me back that he is thinking and that I already have his attention and I don't have to try. So I ask him if he wants me to see me because he still see a future between us? He text back that he doesn't know and since I have two jobs and he feels bad that his schedule is so sketchy- its way too hard for him to plan ahead- especially save for our dates. He said he wants to make the right decision and not regret it later. So I told him that I will give him space to figure it out.

 

Any way, he still dumped me- even tho he still wants to see me. What does that even mean??? I know it's not booty-call, we really enjoy our time together. I think it's about finance, time-restraints, and long distance, but we been thru 7 months together and I thought he could see I wasn't about $$ and I would support him 100%. Why would someone do this to you after 7 months you've been there for em? Was it because maybe he stopped finding me attractive but lied to me that he still feels strongly about me not to hurt my feelings?

 

I don't feel hurt or upset. Im confused and need direction in how to cope and maybe if I should just move on? Does any one have an experience where they waited for an ex (no dating and talking to others) and that significant other came back to them? I don't know... Should I just be open to dating if I don't hear back from him at the end of this week?

[CeeLambrini]

Was it because maybe he stopped finding me attractive but lied to me that he still feels strongly about me not to hurt my feelings?

 

I think it's the opposite, I think he does find you attractive but that he doesn't actually feel strongly enough for you to be in a relationship with. This isn't about money, this is him wanting to be free and single, but not to lose you completely either. Basically, he wants both worlds. And I have a feeling you're not going to agree with me because "He said that" and "He does this" etc.

After 7 months, you deserve all or nothing - not some kind of limbo where you wait for him to sort his head out. As long as you are there for him emotionally and physically, he does not need you as a girlfriend - he's already getting his kicks without having to commit. Stop being so available to him so that he see's what he is really missing out on.

When you continue to be there for him, even though he is making you unhappy, you are rewarding his behavior towards you.

I think you should leave him to it, and concentrate on moving on. Even if he does get back with you right this minute - how long is it going to be until he changes his mind again?

It is so easy, to break up with you out of the blue - because he knows in his head he can always come back if he wants to - you're always going to be there. That's his mindset. CHANGE this mindset - and tell yourself that you are not there to be pulled back and forth. Gain some of that respect back - and you may even realise that you don't want to be in this yo-yo relationship afterall!

[offplanet]

I hope you don't agree to what he's asking. That's a really bad deal for you. It'd be holding you back from finding someone with whom a relationship would work, whereas, with him it hasn't worked. Also, it's not like he really is 'too good' for you, as you mentioned you had told him. I think you might lack self esteem. It'd be very bad for your self esteem to be in that situation with him. not in a relationship, but tied down to him. You deserve better treatment than that. Don't do it!

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Cee.

 

He is attracted to you. Enjoys spending time with you.

 

His level of interest though is not high enough to want a committed relationship with you. And you have been left by him now a few times.

 

It's time to let him go!!

[Lostndazed]

I agree with Cee.

 

He is attracted to you. Enjoys spending time with you.

 

His level of interest though is not high enough to want a committed relationship with you. And you have been left by him now a few times.

 

It's time to let him go!!

 

Thank You. I admit the first time was my fault for being stupid and it's actually something i kept doing that cumulated. However when he came back, I promised him I would work on myself and just be there for him.

[Lostndazed]

After 7 months, you deserve all or nothing - not some kind of limbo where you wait for him to sort his head out. As long as you are there for him emotionally and physically, he does not need you as a girlfriend - he's already getting his kicks without having to commit. Stop being so available to him so that he see's what he is really missing out on.

When you continue to be there for him, even though he is making you unhappy, you are rewarding his behavior towards you.

 

I understand people have a need forwhat should happen during a "time frame" and if it doesn't happen during a certain time, then you should cut your loss. I think it's hard to make that call when it comes to a long distance relationship. Sure we may not be in inlove and sure we may not have that bf-gf title but it was very much the two of us and we did enjoy each other when we saw one another. We also talked to our own friends and fam about each other so they all thought we were together. The only thing that had me worried was that I started being in that mode of wanting to settle in with the 'right guy' (move out) even tho I knew that it wasn't his time any time soon. Maybe he was worried about gas, because he would live farther from the fire station if he moved to my city. I don't really know except yes, I am trying to be there for him and I shouldn't be because he doesn't really want me there for him. Maybe this is his prideful way of saying that he needs time and space to get his sh-t together and I'm in the way.

[Lostndazed]

I hope you don't agree to what he's asking. That's a really bad deal for you. It'd be holding you back from finding someone with whom a relationship would work, whereas, with him it hasn't worked. Also, it's not like he really is 'too good' for you, as you mentioned you had told him. I think you might lack self esteem. It'd be very bad for your self esteem to be in that situation with him. not in a relationship, but tied down to him. You deserve better treatment than that. Don't do it!

 

I think I do lack self-esteem but when I think about it, maybe I just have this tendency to be too optimistic and too invested and it screws with my thinking. I could date other guys but I choose to stay and work on the one I got (or had). But I think it's obvious that it is like you said, I will be holding myself back.

 

I made a promise to him that I would be there for him when he took me back and I intend to keep that promise. However I think at the same, I don't want to invest in someone if he doesn't want me too. Its time for me to assume that he doesn't like me enough to salvage so I need to move on.