EX bF CONtact after 6 mos

[smiles314]

So my ex bf and I hadn't spoken since April when he started dating someone out of nowhere and dropped me for her. He just imed me today after all this time of nothing...and started to tell me what happened. We end up taking for like 2 hrs. And during the convo he apologized a few times, said i deserved better from him, and that he was looking to talk to a friend, and misses the friend part of our relationship and said somethin that we were better as friends... and this talk confused me. I was tryin got be the better person and talk to him normally to try to gain some closure. BUt i have no idea why he kept sayin the friend thing so much? For someone who was just dumped last nite after a 6 month relationship (and he really liked her) this seemed weird. Any thoughts? Should I meet with him for a drink to catch up if he persues? We are back at school for the last year living 2 blcoks away. See previous posts if you need more info. Thanks!

[hockeyboy]

ive been that guy before. ive done what hes doing.

 

first, do you know if hes just gone through a recent breakup?

 

i was dating a girl for a while, left her for another girl. at the time i didnt think i was doing anything wrong, i really didnt. but a few months after my breakup with the girl i left her for i sat down and did a lot of thinking. i realized i was upset with myself for how i had treated that girl. i called her to talk. i said some of the same things. i apologized, i mentioned the friends thing a lot. the reason being was that i wanted to make it clear to her that i was not trying to get her back, but rather was trying to be friends..if she wanted.

 

we didnt talk for months. it turns out now that we are kinda friends. its still a lil awkward but we hang out from time to time and we talk reguraly. we did have sex about a month ago. just one time. it just kinda happened and neither one of us have discussed it since. but it hasnt seemed to change anything.

 

so, maybe, he just realized some things, as i did. matured a lil. can you handle being just friends with him? i told this girl that i understood if she couldnt be friends w/ me, but gave her the option, she took it.

[smiles314]

Your explanation seems like a good one. He did just get dumped like 2 days ago, he told me. I guess in a way I can felt rejected again because he said we were better off as friends. It's weird to me when someone thinks of you so highly, as he had said. And is physically attracted to you but doesnt want to be more than a friend to you. I never understood that. So that part feels strange to me.

[hockeyboy]

thats something that really cant be explained. i guess theres just something that sometimes makes you hold back, not sure why.

 

but the fact that he just got dumped more or less confirms to me that hes probably doing just what i did. which is not a bad thing. its really your choice now as to what you want to do with him. you may want to talk to him some more. i promised myself that i would stay friends with this girl even if i get another gf. she deserves that. is he willing to do that for you? u may want to find out.

[smiles314]

Yeah you are right. I'm so happy you were able to give me some advice from a guys perspective. He hurt me so bad I should have just told me to leave me alone and let him feel lonely, but I'm too good of a person to do that. I had one more question for you though. He has made many many comments in the past about me being too good, and having an excellent head on my shoulders and so on. Sometimes I feel like I was too (not trying to sound conceited) good and level head, and innocent for him. We are two different people, hes a pothead, and im straight when it comes to all that. He has had the sexual experiences, and he was my only one. Would this be something that spooks a guy? Holds a guy back from wanting to be with her? Whether it be cause of a fear of being unable to satisfy... I don't kno.

[hockeyboy]

he could be intimidated by this. im more of a level headed person myself, so its hard for me to say. i to did compliment my the girl a lot though, told her how great she was, she deserved better then how i treated her, etc. i told her this for a few reasons. one, it was true. two, i wanted to make her feel good about herself because she should and it was a way for me to try to start making things up to her. i have done much more since.

 

im the "nice guy" and ive gone out with "bad girls." it had been great while it lasted, they seemed to change. i always questioned it cause they didnt seem "bad" at all....they were great. but in the end, their true colors always showed up and thats how it will always be. you cant change people. its best to go with your gut feeling. in the past, ive put it aside and ignored it, but have learned not to.

[smiles314]

well thanks you make lots of sense. And you are right about bad girls. He has always gone for them, and has always gotten dumped by them in the end. And he has always dumped the good girl first. Crazy world we all live in huh? Thank you for all you help though. You rock.

[hockeyboy]

perhaps you are like me.

 

ive dated the bad girls for some time. and now, after going through all ive been through i finally realize what i truly want. i want a nice girl, i really do. thats the kinda girl im going for now. you perhaps will now see that you want a nice guy. if so, im sure you will find him.

 

something else to think about. why do this bad guys/girls end up leaving us? well, heres a thought. people like to feel good about themselves. not to sound full of myself, but to use your words, i have a good head on my shoulders, my exs did not. i know that at times they felt inferior because i have a good job, educated, nice car, apartment, friends, family, etc. To some degree, i think they felt like losers compared to me (as they should haha) Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who they feel is better then them (even though we dont say it).

[me4ta]

Smiles,

 

I dated this pothead guy for a year and then he broke up with me for another girl, and he wasn't my first one and only and I was not and am not a pothead. I think that your ex being broken up with that girl 2 days prior to speeking with you for the first time in months, says that he just feels lonely.

 

You were a good friend to him, my ex also called me smart, good, beautiful, great friend, great person, etc. etc. after the break up, but he got attracted to someone else and didn't want to come back to me.

 

Now, it's been 4 months, I don't know when I'm going to get the same call as you did, but something tells me I will, but i'm not waiting for it.

 

The thing that I want to say is that I agree with hockeyboy on some level, but at the same time i think your ex is acting kind of selfish, he wants to stay friends BUT he came running back to you for comfort - now, think about it, is it fair that he broke your heart, you went through this mess and then he comes back to you so that YOU gave him comfort when he's down.

 

I think you should let him know that only because he broke up with someone doesn't mean he can be friends with you....why if he wanted to be friends with you he called after the break up, but not before? You know what I mean?

 

To me all these compliments to you that you're so great, bla blah blah, sounds like he's kissing your you-know-what so that you warmed up to him and listened to his relationship problems.

[smiles314]

hey.... me4ta- I kno you are right..I really shoulda kicked him when he was down because he deserves it. But i've been trying to seek some kinda closure between what went on. We sorta just dropped talkin to each other, and nothing was said. I guess I still have a place in my heart for him and I just couldn't tell him to f*** off. But i know he deserved that. I think above all this whole thing feels unreal to me because it happened outa nowhere and I was kinda taken a back. And still am. Don't really know what I want to do. I just don't want him to throw my life off track again. In a perfect world I'd love to meet for drinks discuss the past and feel like that chapters closed but I know that could never happen. So maybe I shouldn't talk to him at all. And i do know that nothing stopped him from talkin to me prior..and i did have every intention of leeting him know this but I was saving it for in person if that ever happeend.... ughhh

[me4ta]

I know what you're saying....also when you say something to your ex that might be something they don't expect - you want to see their facial expression at the moment..

 

I think it would be better to be busy, when he calls, tell him you can't talk right now, you're very busy, you're on your way to do something fabulous...if he begs to meet up - i would probably accept it and then tell him to hit the road.

 

Of course we have places in our hearts for our exes, but as someone said on some other post here on this forum "exes are exes for a reason"

 

Only now I realized how many people are out there....so many great guys, you just have to open your eyes and you'll see it. It seems safer to go back to what's known and feels cozy (your ex) but was it your own, was he special? That special one person for you is the one that choses you, never doubts that you are the greatest person in this world and wants to be with you. NOT to go and see if the grass is greener.

 

Always think about it, don't be weak, don't make excuses for him - he hurt you, you have to be selfish, if you cut your finger by doing something, you won't go back doing the same thing to get some more.....