Back at it- Doing things differently but...

[Jamesonn]

it is really easy to over-analyze the crap out of every interaction. i have struggled with it too. but don't. it will drive you nuts and skew your intuition because you will start to second geuss yourself.

 

to simplify your dating experiences think of it like this, If you level of interest/attention is not being similarly met, then move on. Don't question/wonder/analyze. everything Seeker wrote is spot on, it is about having standards for yourself, and certain expectations of others. If you think it rude to not answer a text appropriately and would never do that to someone, then don't accept it for yourself. If you give lots of attention in the beginning, and someone your dating is not, don't accept that, just move on. no need to overthink it at all.

 

 

Am I the only one who believes that attraction can be a growing process in a person who may NOT be as much into you as you are into them? I don't see why people are so prone to just throw something away when there's a decent chance something amazing could come from it.

[happpybear]

Am I the only one who believes that attraction can be a growing process in a person who may NOT be as much into you as you are into them? I don't see why people are so prone to just throw something away when there's a decent chance something amazing could come from it.

 

no I agree with you, however that needs to be verbalized right. If you are dating someone who is clearly into you, like texting all the time etc. and you are not so sure, and not reciprocating as much, but still wanna get to know them but don't want to lose them for being too aloof then you should say this. I have done this, my last BF was very into me right from the beginning, and i felt uncomfortable reciprocating the same level of attention. I didn't want him to think i didn't like him, so i said to him straight-up that i liked him, and wanted to get to know him slowly and that it takes some time for me to know how i feel about a person, and that if at any time i am no longer interested than i would definitely let him know, but in the meantime, don't take my slowness as disinterest. The point is that i was honest about my intentions with him. I didn't play any games and i didn't lie.

 

i realize that not everyone is gonna be this upfront. If you ask and you don't get an acceptable response, or the love interest does not let you know (like i did) then i think you should move on.

 

But also some things are just about respect. if i text a guy and he does the "i didn't see your text" accompanied by any other rude-ish behaviours (that i would never do to someone that i was interested in) then i would just move on.

[Jamesonn]

Well said...but if you're on the other end of the spectrum meaning you're more into them then they are into you...if you come out and verbalize your interested this could EASILY come accross as even MORE approval seeking in the other persons eyes and push them away even further. This is why I tend not to verbalize ANY feelings until we're both on the same level of interest...for me it takes off the pressure but I could see how someone else wouldn't like this method.

[zingzoom81]

This is exactly what I would want to hear! I know that people fall for each other at different phases but the communication piece around it is very important. Right now, I am into this girl more than she is to me I can tell. If she is into me, then the communication should be light and a little flirty. If she is not into me but continuing just to talk to me so my feelings aren't hurt I find this a waste of my time- like ripping of a band-aid slowly.

[Jamesonn]

Communication is really important and unfortunately people communicate completely differently and one is almost always left out to burn. In my opinion it's all inter-mingled together along with attraction/dating which is why I tend to give girls I go out with the benefit of the doubt and enjoy the interaction/challenge that can sometimes come from dating because once things sync-up something great can come of it.

 

It is better to have tried and have lost then to never have tried at all

[zingzoom81]

I agree with you Jamesonn, but I have noticed personally with me too that if the woman makes it too challenging or isn't reciprocating as much, then I start to get bored and feel that she is not into me. I think with my specific issue is that now she is communicating but the flirting (if even there at all) is light. She is not communicating as much and when I text I feel like I am pulling or trying to say "Hey, I am here! Pay attention to me!". Comes off needy and even I realize this but I think I hold on to the hope that maybe I am just not reading her queues if they are subtle.

[Jamesonn]

Yes I know how you feel....if it's too hard you get bored. I do think it's important as "The_seeker" said to have a plan B...just keep pushing forward with your personal life/plans but don't necessarily discard her. If she decides to pick up the line AND you're still interested then continue the communication...but don't put all your cards in one spot so to speak....at this point YOU become the selector not her...if she starts really trying to vye for your attention then you can decide whether or not to "give in" ...you already tried being honest/upfront with your feelings and she "toyed" with them so to speak so next time around be ready and comfortable to do it YOUR way.

[The_Seeker]

Hahaha Jamesonn I'll respond to your post later AND the thread later. LOL It's waaaay too long!

 

By the way I realized I butched your username by going with Jamesson. LOL My bad!

[elou]

No, I agree. I feel like a lot of people are quick to throw things away, especially when it comes to my own experiences.

[elou]

This is what I would want to hear too. I feel like it's so much easier to become "clingy", so to speak, and potentially drive someone away when you're left in the dark and have no idea where you stand. This is exactly what I've just gone through and it really sucks.

[The_Seeker]

I'm going to respond this thread by Wednesday. I have to break down the posts in WORD. LOL

[Jamesonn]

I'm going to respond this thread by Wednesday. I have to break down the posts in WORD. LOL

 

I am actually excited....bring it sister! Haha

[The_Seeker]

Alright. I just want everyone to know who is going to read this novel post I'm going to respond. I clicked several posters' quote to lumped them together what I think and feel about this. The blue color would be a response to the quote what I think and feel. The red color would be based on my experience and my reasoning. Hahaha, yeah Red and Blue The Amazing Spider-Man style! Please forgive me if there are missing words or errors. I type faster than the computer. Also, WORD has an autocorrect for some reason.

 

 

Dating and relationship is not the same. For me, respect must be earned Sweetie.

 

Babe, dating and relationship is the same AND different.

 

Dating to relationship is different due to its timeline, in other words courtship. There are many steps.

 

Dating and relationship is the same due to its values. In other words, honest, learning, understanding, etc. You get the picture.

 

I'm right with you on this...you BOTH are ready to RELATE and UNDERSTAND...hence relationship...hence you just admitted there is a difference between dating and relationships unlike your previous comment.

 

I'm not going to explain this quote since it's the same as the previous answer I made. LOL Didn't feel like deleting your quote.

 

Sweetie, everyone at some point or another says one thing but does another. To deny this is simply living in denial. Are you honestly trying to convince me that you've never ...oh lets say for example told someone you had plans when you didn't? Or said you were busy when you weren't? Ever? If, you've been 100% consistent and honest about your thoughts, words, and actions then you must truly be a goddess.

 

Of course, everyone says one thing and does another.

 

HOWEVER, it depends on the situation.

 

For example, I can say I am honest person, which I am about to people I sense is good. If someone was to put a weapon to my head to give up my parents' social security numbers/pin numbers to the accounts, you best believe i'm not going to tell them and tell them to go ahead and torture me because they're NOT getting anything from me. You best believe I will fight for my life til the very end for survival.

 

However, if my family and I were ambushed and there was a weapon to my one of my parents' heads or my brother then you best believe I will give one of my pin number to my account and find a way to get one of the ambusher's DNA by scratching them with my nails and biting into their skin. [Hahaha, not to sound like a vampire or whatever] So that if my life is gone, at least the cops can collect evidence or whatever. I will be the first one to sacrifice my life for my family to make sure I get whatever I can so the cops can get the ambushers and that I hope my family is safe after all that I did.

 

People who say one things and does another are people who don't know what they want and need when it comes to according to their life or materials/desires etc.

 

I know what I want and need after I've been through with Mr.J this Labor Day.

 

Yes, I will admit I once said one thing and did another instead.

 

Why? Because I was afraid. It's funny how a sense of fear can actually do to a person. When it comes to relationship, I was in fear how someone would react if I were to disagree how they treated me. What did I do instead? Ignore it and give them a chance because maybe the person I was with was having a bad day and that if I were in their shoes, I would want someone to give me a chance when he didn't do anything wrong. But deep down inside I was hurt and angry. Smacking my head wondering why on earth didn't I say anything when I should? More like call out on it. I know I should have because I told myself if anyone mistreated me, I would tell them. But somehow 3 of my past relationship I didn't because I put myself into their shoes instead of myself mentally, and emotionally. That was NOT HEALTHY for me. Mind you I gave them 3 chances and still didn't do anything about it.

 

I even told myself I will show my sad and angry emotion with someone if he ever mistreats me. But I didn't, I was calm like a rock. In other words, emotionless when it comes down to anger and sadness. Tried to be cheerful when I wasn't. I was cheerful when I was.

 

How did I feel and think when I did that? I lack my sense of self. I felt like I wasn't actually living. In other words, I was on autopilot past my 3 relationships. Then with the dating with Mr.T I still repeated the same cycle but stated what I wanted and needed. I gotten bettter because I learned how he answered was very vague similar to my first ex. My sense told me something wasn't right. I stopped seeing him when he gave me a stupid answer which was “I have the right to cancel the date if my friend needs help with the moving. If not, [i can't remember the exact words but we were suppose to spend our 3rd date].” I have no problem with him helping with his friend. My MAIN problem with him was that he wanted me to wait if his friend didn't need him and I sensed that I was a source of entertainment for the weekend and he did not have a set time and place. What did I do? I declined the date and told him I am no longer interested in him romantically. Why? He made me his backup plan on his to-do list. Yes, I was everyone's backup during college. I'm no longer friends a lot of people from college because I learned the hard way how superficial people can be and also do to me not voicing myself when I was being mistreated. I did only once due to sexual harassment but during friendship, totally different ball game.

 

With Mr.J, I questioned him about something. He told me he thinks I'm funny, interesting, witty, etc whatever adjectives, yet he hasn't mentioned one moment of the time we spent together made me funny or interesting or whatever adjective. My sense at the time told me he was bull****ting. But a part of me thought he shouldn't be acting like this since he is older. Did I call him out on it? No, not during the time. Because I was focus on what he said. LOL My bad. But eventually I learned to always voice my opinion and Mr.J was the last straw. Funny thing he contacted me like 2 weeks later to see each other, and I declined twice due to family being over. Oh yeah I did voice my opinion when I invited to go bowling and he let me know on the day of the date and apologize. I got pissed off and said next time to let me know ahead whether or not he wanted to go instead of the last minute. But anyway he made it up to me. LOL But yeah, I told him I am no longer interested in him romantically.

 

Now with Mr.M from Match, he noticed that I'm honest in my profile and blah blah blah. I still do think about him, because we shared our real selves which makes it difficult for me to forget about him. He's like male version of me.

 

LOL Anyway, next quote!

 

 

 

 

Again, generalizing the whole entire population with "Everyone enjoys a challenge."

 

LMAO

 

First of all, having plans to do something else, IS DEFINITELY NOT A CHALLENGE.

 

And why not? Having things to do shows you don't just sit around all day staring at your phone and hoping the person you're interested in texts you to hang out. I've been out with friends and had a date ask me if I can hang out and I'll say "no I'm out with friends" ...in some sense that IS a challenge. It is a challenge because it shows my time is precious to me and I don't just drop plans to hang out with someone I barely know. As I get to know them more and if there's mutual interest then we can begin to be a more major part of each others lives.

 

Jamesonn, you are misunderstanding what I'm saying. Having things to do is DIFFERENT when someone invites you to something.

 

For example, let's say I invited you to go eat ice cream with me and feed the animals from the zoo on Saturday, but I texted you on Monday.

 

You're going to tell me you're not going to let me know whether you accept or decline the invitation DESPITE the fact you already have plans? Mind you, we already had our first date. This will be our second date.

 

If not, that's DEFINITELY disrespectful. Don't you think?

 

I think that's what the OP is going through. I'm not sure if he offered her to go on a second date with him on the date day. If he texted her the way I texted you in the example, and she didn't let him know, then that's just plain wrong.

 

No, I have NEVER done this to anyone. I treat people like I treat them as my business clients. I always let someone know I already got plans so they can do something else on that day. I had a friend name D who I invited to go shopping with. Can you freakin believe I had to text her at 10 PM on a Friday night to whether or not she could go. She told me she couldn't due to work which I have no problem with but not letting me know or having me to ask about it. Imagine if I didn't and I call her on Saturday instead to ask her if she was going?

 

I am thinking that this is what the OP is going through. He and I are courtesy about people's time because we give people respect instead of “respect being earned.” I'll explain to you the difference between the two somewhere in your other quotes.

A challenge is you MAKE someone CHASES YOU by playing hard to get such as being VAGUE with your answers, PRETENDING to be interesting, and blowing HOT AND COLD responses.

 

This is overgeneralizing! Challenge can mean a variety of things Sweetie. Perhaps challenge isn't the right word to use. The vibe I'm going for is to simply be independent and comfortable with yourself which in turn is an attractive quality to MOST people (there's always exceptions apparently!)

 

Let's get this straight. No one on this darn planet is independent. We are all interdependent. Even God, atom, organism, etc. Challenge is definitely not the right word to use. The right word to use enjoyment of hobbies.

 

How can you be comfortable “with yourself” if you are telling the OP to be putting a mask on? In one of your previous quotes you mentioned “Don't show too much interest. Let her chase you etc” I don't think OP is showing her too much interest. He's just inviting her on a date. She has two choices. Decline or accept.

 

Then again, some girls like a challenge while others don't.

 

But I believe the OP just wants her to be courteous/respectful to him by being direct with him as in “Yes, I'll accept the date.” or “No, I'm going to decline because [whatever reason.]

 

Respect must be earned. Just because I meet a girl with a pretty face that I take out to lunch doesn't mean that I have to instantly answer her texts/calls if I'm out. She should be independent enough to have her own plans and not rely on my response. If a girl were to MAKE plans with me and then be vague about time to meet and act flaky. THIS is a respect issue and I completely agree that I would instant friendzone her as I'm not interested in someone who will act like that. But If I'm simply out and get a text to hang out and I don't feel like answering right then in there I'm not disrespecting the other persons time. That is ridiculous.

 

I'll explain respect must be earned later on in red.

 

LOL oh by the way, Jamesonn this is going to be our song for each other. Please listen to this song.

 

[video=youtube;RCZOGANCOKE]

 

This is where you and I are different. You measure respect by science I measure respect by faith. ;] Hope you like it, babe!

 

I think I already explained what I meant about not phone/text bugging. I was talking about declining or accepting the invitation and letting the inviter know ahead of time so they can make plans for something else.

 

To not rely on your response? You freakin kidding me on that right? So you're telling me, if I invited you to a Daughtry concert this Saturday and I got two tickets because I won them on the radio and thought about how you and I love Daughtry and their music, you're not going to let me know so maybe I can bring someone else instead or have enough time to invite someone?

 

If that is so, dude, that is so not cool. That is EXACTLY disrespecting if the date is an invite.

 

Mind you, I'm not talking about texting saying “Hey, how was your day?” text. This is a date invite text. Just so we are both clear what type of texting we are talking about. LOL

 

FINALLY THE RED! Okay, I used to believe “Respect must be earned.” Just like my third ex. You know what I learned? I didn't feel like I was living by having people showed me/proven themselves to me their worth so I can respect them. Not only that, I did respect me when they showed me/proven themselves to me their worth. By worth, I mean as in good person. Yeah, they were nice.

 

But you know what? Their values are horrible. In other words, weak. Like you said, people say one thing and do another. For example, you can have a best friend you know all your life, only to find out your best friend for the longest time SLEPT with your girl and your girl ALLOWED him to sleep with her and god who knows what. It did happened to one of the ENAers on here. I was disgusted.

 

What considers a best friend/friend? It seems majority of it would be common interests. However, not a lot of people questioned whether or not how strong their vaues are when it comes to the friendship. I know this for sure because I went through the exact same situation in college. The friends I hung out with we had all common interests. They told me “Seeker, you're an amazing, and honest person I never came accross. I can't believe you got my back just like that. I'm lucky to have met you. I will be there for you when you need me. I promise.”

 

Now the day I got sexually harassed, guess who was there for me? Really guess, Jamesonn. No one when my friends were there during the situationt hat happened. The person that said that to me was my ex-bestest friend during my freshman year. I was always there for him when his girlfriend broke up with him 4 times. I comforted him, making sure he wa sokay, and told him he can do better. You know the day of the sexual harassment [Yes, I did report the incident because I wanted to find out the hell said that to me], he told me “Seeker, it was just joke. You're taking things too seriously.” Etc etc Oh my, I was so mad I yelled at him telling him if a guy did that to his sister he would beat him up. I thought I was going to get rape that night. Not only that, my friend who is a girl that I used that quote “Respect must be earned” before she could become my friend, told me “Seeker, you are canceling more people than you should.” I told her in that case, don't be my friend. I canceled the whole group. No one was able to stand for me or witness for me and told me not to go to public safety to report. What TYPE of friends are they? They did earn my respect. But yet, they lead me in the wrong direction.

 

Hence why I don't follow that quote anymore “Respect must be earned.” Even if they did earned it by number of months or years, they may or may not hurt you. I realize a person can become your friend/enemy/lover. So I decided to create my own value system that I will give my respect freely to people until they crossed me then I will let them know I no longer want them in my life. I did let my used to be friends know and exes know. Once the case is close, it remains closed with me.

 

I get it if respect must be earned at a work place or whatever place. But with people? You never know. All I know is once cross, i'm done and I move on.

 

Hence why I was so easily to move on with my exes. First ex 2 weeks. Second ex 1 day. Third ex under 5 minutes. The men I dated Mr. T, I got over him. I went on a date with Mr.J got over him. These men I dated or had a relationship with did cross me.

 

I went on a date with Mr.M who I'm having trouble to get over because he and I are exactly the same. Did he cross me yet? Not the worst way just yet. But I wonder what I said from the last text must of triggered something or must be scared of something. I'm still debating whether or not if I should wish him a happy birthday or not. I'm still clearing my head on this one because I'm conflicted. He reminds me of myself. Anyway going on a tangent.

[The_Seeker]

 

Sure, it's not exactly NICE of her not to respond but you can't assume she has a horrible character and should be dropped just because she didn't. MAYBE he is more attracted to her then she is to him. MAYBE she has other options/guys going on and he's not her top priority...it's not like they setup a date and she got flaky/rude. All he did was simply ask her.

 

Again, he invited her on a 2nd date. Of course I can't assume she is a horrible character just yet because I haven't met her in person. HOWEVER, I can assume how she is treating the OP by not answering about the invitation is a lack of courteous.

 

I don't care what priority the OP and a bunch of guys in, it is not hard to accept or decline a date.

 

He did set up a date with her by asking her. Her answer is to accept or decline before few days of the date so he can have other plans.

 

If you think this is WRONG of the OP to get an answer, that's not good Jamesonn. Imagine you were in the OP's shoes. Wouldn't you like to know if the girl you invited to accept or decline your date? Sure it may be just hanging out or dinner. But let's say if it's a vacation to Hawaii or to a concert? Wouldn't you want her to let you know if she's coming? If YES, then you respect people's time like you expect people to respect your time.

 

 

Even if they decide to respond later. Then fine, but just make sure it's on the same day so the person can make other plans as well for the weekend whenever with someone else.

 

Why? They can STILL make other plans...why do their plans have to be contingent on mine? It feels good to get a quick response/answer but it's not a dealbreaker if you don't...at least to most people.

 

Again, it's an invitation. They just want to know whether you would like to or not. What's so hard to accept or decline?

 

Of course people can make plan B or C or whatever letter.

 

You reall ywant to KNOW WHY their plans have to be CONTINGENT with yours? Because they want to spend time with you and to see if you're available to spend time with them. If not, then decline. That's all.

 

To ignore the invitation without letting them know just shows a lack of respect.

 

Mr. J did tis to me twice. First one was hiking. The second was bowling. I let the first one slide. Second time he did this was the bowling and I told him to let me know ahead so I can plan for other things.

 

Since some people operate differently, there is no problem accepting or declining. Simple choice to make.

 

I believe the OP treat people like they are his clients. Hence why I told the OP, to move on and see other girls if he does not like her treatment on how to respond to his text.

 

This is based on my reflection due to my experience. Not about whether or not she is interested in him. But more like how would you like to be treated? I can see the OP wants to be treated by having a response instead of no response. I can understand where he is coming from. The girl, I have no freakin clue because I haven't heard her side of the story.

 

If OP's instinct to receive a response about invite, then he should trust his gut that is telling him that is hOW he would treat someone.

 

You're talking about "Being independent" by making decision when it comes to dating. I'm talking respecting other people's time when it comes to dating and being straight forward about it.

 

Do you see OP's girl respecting him of his time when he sent the text? No. She ignore him probably for the past 2 days I think. Since I'm too lazy to go back to read the previous posts. Those 2 days could be perfect timing to make plans with another person.

 

And he could have. Why does she have to be on a pedestal?

 

What in the world? Why does she have to be on a pedestal? People need to get over with this pedestal toilet. He is inviting her. The response is to accept or decline.

 

To put on a pedestal toilet is to continue the mistreatment like i've been through by not voicing myself. So far, this is only the early stage for the OP. So it's not that severe yet. He is just inviting her because he wants to get to know her and spend time with her or whatever.

 

That is why I tell other posters to have PLAN B if someone else decides to pull this "move" of disrespect and then responding with "I'm sorry my phone broke/I didn't see your message" with bull****. If you broke your phone, there is a way to find the number on the company phone website and under contacts. Also, when you are with someone, you noticed the pattern that they always check their phone, then you know what they are capable of. Unless they turn off the phone, then I would have no problem with them ignoring my message due to an event. But if I noticed they charge their phone with their phone turned on at night. They are no longer dating me.

 

The song "She's a man eater" just popped into my head when I read that last line Hahaha. I'm completely kidding! ...I can see how that's a dealbreaker ...in the later stages of dating, but initially if someone does this to me, or I do it to them it's usually because I'm not as invested in the person as they are in me and vice versa. After a couple more dates/more time spent that could completely change. I don't see why you have to instantly disqualify a person based upon the "time" it takes them to text you back. That's severely limiting.

 

Im not going to explain again. Read the previous posts what I have been saying. You might get it or you might not.

 

I'm not talking about the “time” as in instant response. i'm talking about respect and courteous and letting the person before the day comes until the last minute.

 

You got to be freakin kidding me with this.

 

It's more based on ATTRACTION.

 

Trust me. If Channing Tatnum/Ryan Goseling is to show up with OP's girl. Asked her on the date. ETC. I bet you she will respond to him letting him know when she is available ETC. If she is not available because she already has plan she COULD have sent "Let's reschedule on this [day]." Because maybe she'sttracted to him physically/mentally/emotionally.

 

I don't think attraction should be quantified like that as I believe there are varying levels of attraction. The more attracted we are to a person, the more likely we are to respond/be invested etc...Sure she could be initially attracted to Ryan Goseling but how do you know once they go on a few dates that she'll be turned off for whatever reason.

 

LOL She won't be turned off by him. Hahaha, just kidding! But like you said, the more attracted we are to a person, the more likely we are to respond/be invested.

 

Again, OP hasn't given enough information about the girl. It's just based on his observation besides I never met the girl. For all I know she may be a Gold Digger. ;]

 

If OP's girl got a message from let's say Hugh Hefner, she probably go on ignore mode because he's too ugly/old or whatever her preference is.

 

PREFERENCES that's the word I was looking for. Preferences creates Attraction. Attraction creates us to be more into the other person.

 

Attraction is more about an emotional state. I don't know what you mean by preferences but I do know that just because we find someone physically attractive does not mean that we won't tire of them. I think the topic of attraction has so many variables that it's for a completely different discussion.

 

Attraction can be physical/emotional/mental.

 

Preference is a list what you want or don't want. More like an ideal. True there are a lot of variables.

 

But to be honest, we are looking for the total package. The physical/mental/emotional sides. However, we forget whether or not the person that has the total package is genuine towards us or not. That's the main problem and as to why there are so many breakups and divorce rates.

 

I know this because I love every guy I've been in a relationship. I only told the first one. The second and third were still in the early stages. I got the total package. I got the physical/mental/emotional sides. I was genuine towards the one I was interseted. The ones I wasn't, I declined because I know what i'm capable of. In other words, I know I won't be faithful to them or I could be breaking their heart if I stayed with them. I know for a fact I would never do that but that was the truth if I were to stay with them. I do not want to continue the date third date if I knew I am not interested. Heck I wouldn't go on a date with a guy I wasn't interest just to see if something is there.

 

Jamesonn, I know you're wondering how do I know if I won't be? Because every guy I was in a relationship with, I knew he was going to be my boyfriend. LOL But I'm happy I broke the pattern.

 

1st Date = 1st Boyfriend

2nd Date = 2nd Boyfriend

3rd Date = 3rd BoyfrienD

 

This was the pattern. I became official with the guy by the number of dates. Isn't it funny? Hahaha, like I said before. As I gotten older, I became more self-aware about myself. I am still learning about myself as a I go along.

 

Not only that, I dated a guy long time ago who did the faded out thing where he acted he was interested but was just interested in having me as an arm candy on a date after the 2nd ex. I asked him straight out iwhat he saw in me. LOL I was like yeah no longer want to date you anymore, bye! So I learned my lesson from this guy that if I wasn't interested or saw he wasn't going to be anything more, then I would not want him to pay for the date or spend any money on me like I did with this guy. LOL It was NOT a good feeling.

 

It has nothing to showing interest too early.

 

Anyway, I don't think OP should continue to rationalize her behavior like a psychologist since he can definitely find a girl who is interested in him on the same level and show respect EVEN if they're both dating other people and wanting to find the right person to be with.

 

While this is ideal, it's not exactly realistic. As I said before, there are varying levels of attraction. OP is probably more interested in her then she is in him and her behavior perfectly reflects that...not because she's a bad person or disrespectful but because she's simply not as into him as he is into her. If that's a dealbreaker on date 2/3 or whatever then so be it. On a personal level I actually enjoy getting to know someone little by little ..as they grow more attracted to me and I to them it's enjoyable to begin really opening up with a person you feel a strong connection to. I don't want all those mushy/honeymoon stage style feelings out on the table on the first/2nd date.

 

I sense you had bad experiences due to your bitterness about honeymoon/mushy stage. LOL

 

It is a dealbreaker for me. Not sure about the OP. But if the OP thinks the way I think, it may be.

 

There's a DIFFERENCE between spending time with the person and letting attraction grow, and INVITING someone on a date.

 

I really hope you see the difference. He just wants to know if she is available to go on a second date with him. LOL Yes or no? He's not demanding her to spend 24/7 like you are saying.

 

I know you're saying it's unrealistic. Some things are unrealistic. Like for example, who knew we could use a transportation in the air to cross to another country? I'm talking about airplanes. That was unrealistic but proven in a dream. Another example, electricity. That was unrealistic wasn't it? Those realistic things I mentioned came from idealistic ideas. If I'm understanding that ideal is an image/dream.

 

Since we are talking about “realistic” we would be still separating ourselves between who is civilized and who isn't. In other words, there will be even more divisions. If we are being realistic, majority of people who are underdogs would have been stuck in their situation and became nothing because they believe they are born in the wrong family and didn' t have the opportunity. If they believe things that are unrealistic, they would never became WHO they wanted to be in their ideal dreams.

 

If OP's ideal girl is to let him know whatever it is, and be direct, then he should be IDEALISTIC and make it realistic to find that type of girl if he is that type of person.

 

Like myself, I idealize that who was going to be my boyfriend. That became realistic.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say when you dream something, make it into a reality no matter how long it takes. It may not be with this person, it may be with someone. Hence the term, when one door closes, another one opens.

 

 

True, but there is an exception with someone who doesn't aka me. ;]

 

Well by now we know you're a special sweetie

 

Yes, I am. Since you know i'm special, I deserve a kiss right here. [points to my forehead] Hehehe!

 

Well, I don't know what type of people are dating these days since there are so many rules with dating from books I read which I laugh so hard about.

 

The Game states that to create "attraction/interest" you be rude to the person, use your own skills, be sexy with confidence, blah blah blah. Where as the "Men Love Dating *****es" with remain independent by making your own decisions and don't give up your plans and do not show emotional weak etc. With the 5 languages of love, we need to speak the other persons' love language. Whatever.

 

People just need to realize if you are straight forward and HONEST with yourself and LET the person know your intentions, then we would be better off knowing that enough is enough with someone INSTEAD of always wanting more. Denying your self-expression of what you want/feel/think, then you WILL ALWAYS create self-pity [i'm talking about doing the right things not the wrong things.]

 

I think I made this example before that if you have a boss that's a complete d*** ...you're not going to go up to him and say "hey dude, by the way I think you're xyz" People are NEVER fully honest with their opinions because it's simply not necessary to be or it's socially straining. Try going around for the day and being completely straight forward and honest with your thoughts/opinions...It's not "denying self-expression" What is wrong with SLOWLY allowing someone to get to know you and DEVELOP feelings. What if I'm more into a girl then she is into me. I'm not going to let her know that off the bat...instead I would enjoy getting to know her and that attraction may grow to the point where we're both comfortable in sharing our feelings.

 

LMAO! I DID! Oh my god, Jamesonn, you need to read my journal. I soooo did. I told the CEO that I disagreed with him while everyone is agreeing with him. I'm not going to go into details since it's confidential. But I did disagree with him. My co-workers were shocked LOL they didn't expect me to say it since I'm the youngest member in two departments I worked in. [Laughs] I didn't get fire. CEO respected me so much more. 0 I got lucky.

 

Oh nothing is wrong slowly opening up to people. I know a lot of people don't open to people very easily. LOL For example, my first ex. I will mention later in red. But the HUGE problem for the OP is how she is not responding about the invite. LOL Like I said in the previous post.

 

My first ex had trouble opening up to me despite the fact I'm friendly. You know why? He later confessed because he was afraid of what I thought of him. He told me since the day I told him that I found it sexy he was shocked that he felt he was able to open to me within a month. LOL He was afraid to tell me that he takes a long time in the bathroom to straighen his hair [his natural hair is curly] and I said “It's sexy when a guy takes care of his appearance. Nothing is wrong with that. I mean, look at me, I take of my appearance. Whoa-la we're even.” But yea, he opened to me within less than a month when we started the relationship.

 

I know what you meant by not letting a girl know you like her right off the bat. LOL Trust me, I've been both ends. My 2nd ex at the time knew I was in a relationship with my first ex. 2 years we've been friends. I confessed to him one day telling him this “[2nd Ex's Name], I would like to take you out for dinner because I happen to have a crush on you and like you more than just a friend. If you decline, I understand and comfortable just being friends.” Yeah I told him I like him more than a friend. LOL It was our first date. He was so happy he told me he loved to. Aw trip to memory lane! Mind you, he was not into me like I was into him. Gosh, I will admit, I was shaking when I asked him to go spend his time with me.

 

Apparently, OP's girl that he interested in is not honest with herself. She can't even bring herself to respond to his text that she is interested or not interested for a second date. Even if she does respond, she could have said let's reschedule on whatever date or something.

 

While it's not "nice" ...she's not required to do anything. She is independent and living in her reality. You can't tell her she's WRONG for not responding to a text and you can't make assumptions about her true personality based upon something as silly as that

 

I'm not going to answer this one. Previous answer will still be the same from somewhere above. I'm too lazy to copy and paste what I wrote in my previous answers.

 

That's generalizing! Clingy (in my opinion) is when people are too upfront and honest with their feelings AND THEN they act on them. I recently went out with a girl who started texting me a bunch and it was a big turn off. I texted her saying I was at a really busy point in my life and really not looking for anything at the time....her response was to show up at my doorstep with cookies and a handwritten letter to try to "win" me over...while the cookies were delicious, I was COMPLETELY turned off. I would have preferred to get to know her little by little and let feelings develop on my end instead of her throwing herself at me with all that mush. No thank you...I respect people who can deal with their emotions properly.

 

Heartless much, Jamesonn? LOL You could of said, I'm not looking to be in a relationship. If she try to win you over, you're going to decline. Instead of going “I'm not interested” without any more backup.

 

I hope you did say thank you for the cookies and stuck to your guns about not being interested in dating or wahtever.

 

Ah, you must those traditional males then.

 

LOL Deal with their emotions properly? Gosh you are going by chronological timeline. What the girl did, sure she wasn't respectful of your wishes. I totally get that. But if “you knew” she was going to act like that or in a way sense it, why not be EVEN MORE CLEAR. I hope you told her what she did was a turn off and that you are no longer interested instead of letting it fade out or disappear.

 

LOL For me, if a guy did that, I would be aawww. Probably because I'm a cookie fan so yeah, he definitely won me over with my stomach. Hahaha!

 

True, respecting people's time is beneficial to them but again I don't think (personally) it's a deal breaker in the early stages of dating since respect/attraction is a growing process.

 

For you it's not a dealbreaker. For the OP, maybe. For me, definitely. I don't like knowing things til the last minute without a proper explanation.

 

Respect is not a growing process is you don't follow the “Respect must be earned.”

 

If you do follow that, then yeah it's a growing process. But in the end anything can backfire.

 

Well thank you! It truly means so much that you're still willing to talk to me! I have butterflies in my belly now ....

 

Ew you eat butterflies? Gross!

 

Really? So you're telling me, that Person A when asked to go on a date with Person B shouldn't know that Person B is a drug addict/has children/Divorced/is actually older than person A by 10-20 years but looks extremely younger/Same Gender/Sex Change/is already in a relationship/married etc. IF so, then so be it.

 

Haha YES I am....and let me CLARIFY. I DO think it's important to let the person you're with know your baggage...however, when I'm on a first/second date I don't go listing all my negative qualities/issues. EVERYONE HAS ISSUES. As you get to know a person better you can let them in. I don't think it's deceiving to hold off on certain information early on. I DO think it's deceiving if you wait too long....I started talking to a girl 2 weeks ago..I took her on 2 dates and then she told me she has a young daughter and is going through a divorce. MAJOR BAGGAGE. Had she told me this on the first date I would have got up and left....After I got to know her a bit, I am glad she didn't mention it off the bat because I truly enjoy her company and I'm willing to look past the baggage....now had she waited too long or HIDDEN this from me, I would have taken off...yet we went out twice and she opened up on her own...You may completely disagree with this method but I actually appreciate it this way.

 

So you're telling me if you run into a person who happens to look like a woman but is really a man, you wouldn't want that person to tell you before you get into too deep?

 

Dating a Divorcee with a kid, I can see that point. But depends on who. If I were to date a dating divorcee, [not that I ever been with but I know for a fact] he would pressure me into doing something I don't want such as meeting his kids which I'm not ready for and won't be understanding much why, and get very defensive if I'm not ready to play mother or house and keep talking about how his exwife is evil blah blah blah. The reason I say this is because when people see me, they only see “attractiveness” and to trap me so it benefits them. Yes, I do have divorce men came onto me with kids. To be honest, these men acted like college boys.

 

I know a dating divorcee through my third ex. All they ever talk about his their SO's being evil and rottening their kids' mind.

 

I have noticed though that you have some VERY subtle passive-aggressive tendencies in the way you're responding to me. Are you upfront about that on your first date? ...I kid!

 

I am very passive. Very laid back when it comes to having fun.

 

When it comes to sports, and getting what I want as in materials, I'm very aggressive. Why you think in my journal I kept on mentioning about being in training and studying for my career path. LOL Headstrong in a way. Hahaha hence my family thinks I act like a guy. My friends think I act like a guy. So don't worry, you're not the only one who thinks, I act like a guy.

 

Of course, I am upfront about what I want on my first date. LOL I even asked Mr.J I'm not sure I would be interested since I'm not sure of his sexuality because the last thing I want to deal with is a bisexual who is confused whether he wants to be with a woman or a man. LOL Mr.J was shocked and said I was the first person to ever question him about his sexuality after asking out. Same with Mr.M, he read my profile and he was like “Yup. I'm the type of you're looking for.” And said all the lists that he doesn't. Even Mr.T, I told him I will go on a first date with him if he's not a bi and is actually born as a guy not girl. I have no problem if a person decides to have a sex change. It's just that I don't want to date them as in preference. Yeah, I'm very assertive. LOL I act like this in person as well.

 

You're an idealist and that's why I respect you...EVEN though I don't actually believe that you ARE completely brutally honest about your emotions/feelings with everyone. But of course this is subjective. People to tend to rationalize/analyze dating and in an ideal world it would be great to just spill the beans about everything but unfortunately I'm a realist and believe that there is a LOT of psychology that plays into these sorts of scenarios and being completely genuine/honest all the time isn't going to make this all happy-dandy.

 

I'm not being idealistic. I'm being myself and i'm comfortable with it.

 

One day when you meet me in person, you will be like “Oh my god, Seeker you LOLed like you do on ENA.”

 

Actually I am honest with my feelings about everyone else that have come into my life no matter what position they are [high or low doesn't matter]. Because I expect the same with people to be honest with their feelings with me.

 

You are not a realist, Jamesonn. Trust me, I used to think I was a realist as well. But I woke up. THANK GOD! Here's why.

 

You allow science [ ;] Oh look at that babe, our song] determine the factors of life when you should [your choice if you want] use your sense who is genuine and honest towards you. It may take time to develop this but I eventually got it.

 

You know why you are using science to determine your factors of life?

 

Remember how when we were kids? We were able to trust people. We were so open with people and able to laugh and be happy. When we were sad, someone was there to comfort us. We felt safe, and sense that they were genuine and honest, aka parents.

 

But you know what destroyed that? Someone who hurt us deeply. This could be your first relationship/crush or whoever you love so deeply, broke you into pieces. Hence why you developed a logical sense by using “psychology” to determine how an individual would act. Psychology may work 50% of the time and the other 50% it does not. Anyway going back to what I was saying, once someone hurt us we get even more guarded up. Every time we get hurt, more guarded up. So guard up that we become the Great Wall. This is why you prefer letting someone in slowly and learning little by little. Am I right, Jamesonn? We are so afraid to let someone in. The more advanced we are with technology and science, we became EVEN more complicated.

 

Hence why I believe it's important for the OP or anyone for that matter to determine their own philosophy based on their life. I did. Hence why when I read the OP's thread, I noticed he was somewhat similar to me. Hence I said what I needed to say. Because if I were posting that, I needed someone to tell me the way I told the OP. I don't want him to discover until it's too late like I was. I could swear if I wanted to but I think the moderators would give me infraction points even more.

 

But when you said “respect must be earned” and “shouldn't be thrown away” just like that. You are living by a list of steps. In other words, auto-pilot. Hence why you are not allowing your senses to flow freely. You're going against the flow of your senses. I'm not talking about the senses tat are bad such as murdering or whatever. I'm talking about the feel good senses.

 

You know why I give respect right away instead of being earned besides what Ive been through? Every man I spent time with before Mr.M, I realize I wasn't living life. I was just on auto-pilot and rationalizing like you did. Hence why I'm glad Mr.J told me I needed more colors in my life. I was able to be myself with Mr. M.

 

I felt more alive when I was myself, voicing myself, in other words, expressing myself.

 

[video=youtube;Da9N6DSYDFY] ]

 

Listen to this video. This is how I felt. Ever since with Mr.J I realized everything I was doing was really one day too late. I didn't say what I needed to say. I didn't do things what I wanted to do. But ever since Mr.J has been gone and superficial people, I've been doing the things I wanted to do. Running races as you can see below my sig. I've been expressing myself in an honest and sincere way with Mr.M and the people I met such as my friend S. I'm no longer wearing a mask, Jamesonn, like I used to. When I'm spending time to get to know someone, I want to make sure I never make them feel invisible to me. I will never want to torture them with the “Whoever cares the least have the most control in the relationship” or “Ignoring/testing them to show if they care by pretending to break up with them.” Because you know what, I do not know when I will die. I can die in a minute typing to you. The next day. A year. I do think about the future a lot about how I will be remember for myself. Also, my regrets about not saying and doing the things I needed to do.

 

This is why I'm so honest and sincere about my answers with people even offline or online. Because I don't want to leave this current life regretting a thing I didn't do and waiting for the perfect time to “impress an act.” when it should be effortless when it comes to love. I don't know who the person i'm going to love last. I just really don't. But if happens to be with this person or that person, i'm happy because I know what I want and need. When I'm with someone, I pray that I make it easier for them to be themselves instead of pretending to be someone else.

 

Also, since I have a chance, I will use it. I do not need to hold back based on my act. If I wanted to kiss someone, I will ask them because I'm not sure how comfortable do they feel about me kissing them. Yeah, I did ask my first ex if I could kiss him. LOL Sad, I know but I don't care.

 

Actually she is the one who is more attached from my persepctive. He loves her to death but she is just all over him. There are exceptions to every rule! Ahem

 

I take it my quote is rubbing off on you. ;]

 

We will see once the OP continues to update like twitter on us.

 

Fair enough...but I do generalize tendencies because people are prone to similar tendences perhaps at varying degrees.

 

You generalize based on facts/experiences instead of the individual.

 

For example, I am individual. I'm telling you stories of my life in my own way that you can understand. Not sure if you do. I don't know if you watch Disney but Pocahontas is the perfect example. Remember in that Disney movie where John was about to shoot the momma bear? You need to follow the steps of a stranger in order to see and understand.

 

Hence why I take the time to know a person in a deeper level even if it may sound too serious. Some may think it's an invasion of privacy blah blah others will think it's a deeper intimacy. But I don't care. I wanna know. LOL Sooner or later I'm going to find out.

 

 

"Reality is a sliding door." - Ralph Emerson

 

I'm going to be a smart butt about this quote. Reality is a sliding door if it's closed because you accept your position in society. However, if you open the sliding door. It's adventure. Anything can happen. When we go outside to play, we use our own imagination or ideal dream of what we can do and be.

 

So I disagree with this quote.

 

I agree with the quote from Disney, “If you can dream it, you can create it.”

[The_Seeker]

Am I the only one who believes that attraction can be a growing process in a person who may NOT be as much into you as you are into them? I don't see why people are so prone to just throw something away when there's a decent chance something amazing could come from it.

 

I am prone to throw things away if I've been through it several times. Like with Mr.T and Mr.J I've been through it 3 times. Hence why my sense was able to detect the pattern. This song will explain it. Listen to the lyric carefully so you can understand much better where I'm coming from.

 

[video=youtube;nnUr52ZZ0VU] ]

 

 

As for Mr.M I'm conflicted as to whether or not I'm going to throw it away. Still time to think about this.

 

Well said...but if you're on the other end of the spectrum meaning you're more into them then they are into you...if you come out and verbalize your interested this could EASILY come accross as even MORE approval seeking in the other persons eyes and push them away even further. This is why I tend not to verbalize ANY feelings until we're both on the same level of interest...for me it takes off the pressure but I could see how someone else wouldn't like this method.

 

Jamesonn, don't deny your self-expression like that. Being on the same level, you can wait forever, and never know the answer until it's too late. Really late. Since you are not willing to take the risk, then it's okay. Your life though.

 

That's like waiting to get laid only to realize you will never get laid and never know what level is the sex drive is the other person. After a few times, you realize the person is not into sex and it's too late since you are in a relationship with them.

 

Communication is really important and unfortunately people communicate completely differently and one is almost always left out to burn. In my opinion it's all inter-mingled together along with attraction/dating which is why I tend to give girls I go out with the benefit of the doubt and enjoy the interaction/challenge that can sometimes come from dating because once things sync-up something great can come of it.

 

It is better to have tried and have lost then to never have tried at all

 

LOL Honest Communication is important. Not just communication. SEE you even ADMIT communication is important. So why is the OP's girl not communicating with him about accepting or declining the invitation? Hhhmmmm ;] just busting your chops.

 

 

I agree with you Jamesonn, but I have noticed personally with me too that if the woman makes it too challenging or isn't reciprocating as much, then I start to get bored and feel that she is not into me. I think with my specific issue is that now she is communicating but the flirting (if even there at all) is light. She is not communicating as much and when I text I feel like I am pulling or trying to say "Hey, I am here! Pay attention to me!". Comes off needy and even I realize this but I think I hold on to the hope that maybe I am just not reading her queues if they are subtle.

 

Zingzoom81, you are like me when it comes to a challenge. LOL But unlike you, I lose interest and go with someone else.

 

Im not sure if I missed where you send her a marathon text. I'm pretty sure all you asked her was a date right?

 

No, I agree. I feel like a lot of people are quick to throw things away, especially when it comes to my own experiences.

 

If you sense, it's worth it, Then go for it. Depends on who the person is. But if's good to see both sides. I'm sensing it would be good for me to send a text to Mr.M to wish him a happy bday even though I stated I preferred friendship first. LOL but we will see

 

I am actually excited....bring it sister! Haha

 

Are you trying to be a Cheerleader from Bring It On? o_O;;;

 

I hope everyone is done reading this, and will get how military mind set I have.

 

Everything I said on here did happen to me in real life. If any parts that are confusing please let me know i'll explain further.

 

I didn't expect to finish this before wednesday but i pulled an all nighter to finish and going to head into work at 6:30 AM.

 

I had to split them into 3 posts due to the videos. LOL Sorry!

[zingzoom81]

Update: I was being flirty on Saturday with her and she said she had to be honest came out and said that everything was too much to quick and she is missing some feeling. She said her feelings right now were different than mine. FINALLY! At least I get some honesty even if it's not the kind I am looking for!

 

This is what you guys were saying here too and my gut instinct- If a woman is interested, she won't wait to respond or reply about another date. The weird thing is she said she wanted to still talk and hangout. (Yeah, I know friendzone/being nice). I said I realized that I did come off too strong and that I was happy with hanging out and being friends.

 

At this point, I think she is not going to talk to me or hardly at all anymore. But, all of a sudden she starts texting and talking MORE. Asking how my day is going, saying how she's jealous I was out exercising with a wink face. I just gave her super short replies like " Yeah, great day" and "Out with friends playing basketball". Just found it unusual because if you are trying to cut someone off, you usually let things sit for at least a few days.

 

I am guessing now since she semi-friendzoned me, she put up a shield to see how I would respond. I think she is trying to analyze if I was just there to have a good time and generally interested in her or if I was just there to only use her to have a good time.

 

Either way, I pretty much am going to do my own thing and if anything she is a great person to converse with and for me its always nice to have female friends to bounce questions off of.

 

I will keep you guys in the loop if more things develop out of this.

 

 

Seeker, you should get a medal for all that advice! Very, very much appreciated that you took the time to do that- not only for me but for others that might be in this thread as well .

[The_Seeker]

Update: I was being flirty on Saturday with her and she said she had to be honest came out and said that everything was too much to quick and she is missing some feeling. She said her feelings right now were different than mine. FINALLY! At least I get some honesty even if it's not the kind I am looking for!

 

Freakin finally she told you. I wasn't sure how you two interact. But did she ever decline your invite?

 

This is what you guys were saying here too and my gut instinct- If a woman is interested, she won't wait to respond or reply about another date. The weird thing is she said she wanted to still talk and hangout. (Yeah, I know friendzone/being nice). I said I realized that I did come off too strong and that I was happy with hanging out and being friends.

 

At this point, I think she is not going to talk to me or hardly at all anymore. But, all of a sudden she starts texting and talking MORE. Asking how my day is going, saying how she's jealous I was out exercising with a wink face. I just gave her super short replies like " Yeah, great day" and "Out with friends playing basketball". Just found it unusual because if you are trying to cut someone off, you usually let things sit for at least a few days.

 

I am guessing now since she semi-friendzoned me, she put up a shield to see how I would respond. I think she is trying to analyze if I was just there to have a good time and generally interested in her or if I was just there to only use her to have a good time.

 

Zingzoom81, here's a thing you need to know how about SUPERFICIAL people.

 

They are just there to interact with you when they are bored on a day.

 

You got to think it like this way. If I meet you in the 50 yards line, then you will meet at the yards line. If not, I'm pulling back.

 

Zingzoom, she can think whatever she wants. But be honest with yourself when you are around her. If you genuinely want to get to know her, then do not play the "jerk" role.

 

Either way, I pretty much am going to do my own thing and if anything she is a great person to converse with and for me its always nice to have female friends to bounce questions off of.

 

I will keep you guys in the loop if more things develop out of this.

 

That's the spirit Zingzoom. You are doing a great job even though a little part of you is hurting. It's okay to be hurt because it shows the beauty of your heart which is compassion.

 

Seeker, you should get a medal for all that advice! Very, very much appreciated that you took the time to do that- not only for me but for others that might be in this thread as well .

 

Nah, I didn't do it for the medal. I did it for wisdom and wanting to learn the truth.

 

No problem. I just want to let others out there know that you can't always follow rules and preplanning things all the time based on people because anything can happen.

 

Preplanning things where you want to be at is okay. With people, you just don't know.

 

Good luck, zing zoom!