We just can't break it off, entirely....

[Heatrae]

Hope I can get some help. Funny how we think we're the only one experiencing this kind of love or situation. I'm a 33 year old woman- married for 4 years. My husband is a good man, but we lost our 'spark' 1.5 years into our marriage. I know that's not normal. I have been in an affair (1 year) with a married man, "B", who's been married 12 years, two daughters, 4 and 8. His wife is very opposite of me. They are admittedly miserable together. He and I work together. She's extremely insecure, very quiet, doesn't participate in the marriage- they are both very miserable. "B" and I are madly in love. His wife followed him one day and caught a kiss of ours. She did not leave him and he wanted to keep the family together so I walked away, put eveything in a pretty little box until his hands are clean. This was Nov. 02. For a couple months we tried very hard to not communicate, but out misery got the best of us and we started talking again. I left my husband 1/03, which sent B into a frenzy. He came at me full force even tho I won't allow myself to be the other woman. But I am so in love...In March, wife talked with B telling him she's still miserable and wants him to be closer to her- stop doing so much around the house- tell her she's beautiful, etc...B told her it doesn't come natural for him and it's not going to happen, but refused to tell her he's not in love with her. I'm not thinking to tell her that he's in love with me, but at least give her some idea of not being in love with her. Needless to say, he had a chance to leave and didn't. Then beginning of April, he stopped by my house. apparently she had followed him and knocked on my door. I thought for sure catching him there would be the end of them. It was not. He told me she told him to get the f%#K out and he refused to leave saying he was there for their daughters, not her. He was there to be with the kids. She said that then she was there for the same reason. He and I struggle evey day to not talk about being in love, but we have to see each other at work. We never getting to go thru the withdrawals and are always exposed to each other. I am in so much pain. It would be so much easier if he would just tell me he doesn't love me, but htat will never happen. He has told me I am the woman he's supposed to be with- would be wonderful for his daughters, etc...why can't he leave if they're BOTH so miserable. He still comes into my office looking sick, depressed, but has managed to not call all the time, still sends the occasional email. We got it bad. I don't know what he's doing. I know what I need to do, but I can' tturn off my feelings. Please help me!

[sisterlynch]

I realize that this is the easy solution, but why can't you and B work for separate companies? If you are both so hard working and dedicated to solution and team work, why can't you each quit and find other work?

 

The other solution is much more difficult to get him to give up the comfort of his marriage. He has demonstrated that he is not going to do that hasn't he?

 

People are all pretty equal, if he stopped his affair with you then he could reignite the spark in the marriage. You and she both want him for the same reasons. And he likes both of you for the way that you each make him feel inside.

 

The logical solution I feel is that you can only control you right? Are you happy with all this? Answer honestly! If you are not, then look into some counseling for yourself. I feel that this is a love addiction. It is just like a drug to your system. You have to learn not to deal with his emotions any more. That is for a wife and or counselor to handle.

 

I applaud them for not immediately calling the help of a divorce lawyer. The wife is a tougher opponent than you think. If you respected her or yourself then you would see that what you are doing is wrong.

 

Take a break from the affair, go to another town, if he loved you he will follow, if he doesn't then he is just after the drama!

[giggirl]

it seems to me that he's probably not going to leave.

 

I know it's hard but you have to either put everything on the table like an

altimatum or let him go . I dont mean necesarilly leaving your job or anything just do something for yourself that you know will help you,

and it seems he just taking advantage of you asuming youll stay through

thick and thin

 

but you have to ask yourself is he really worth all this stuff your putting yourself through

 

I hope YOU are happy with whatever decision you make for YOURSELF.

good luck

[Heatrae]

Thanks so much. I would agree that he and I are quite addicted to one another. I was reading on just that. We have not been sexually active since November, with one falling off the wagon in February. We struggle to stay away as I've indicated, but we are constantly sad, depressed, crying. We cannot simply leave our jobs- we work in law enforcement- not practical right now. B and his wife have grown so far apart. They don't even speak. He tries to put all his energgy into the house and his toys and daughters..there is nothing apparently between the two except for history. How can he be so in love and then when faced with OPPORTUNITY to leave via a discussion he doesn't. Then again when she catches him at my house she TELLS him to leave and he refuses and insists on living in the house to be with his daughters. HOw does he get thru his days consumed with me knowing I"m out here and ready to be with him. All he would have to do is leave. The big obstacle of getting a divorece is the fear of not finding another person. In me, he has the woman of his dreams and NOW I'm single. He still loves me deeply and truly ISN"T recommitting to his marriage or he would sty away (not talk to me, pay me compliments etc.) It's as thought he's tring to wait her out. Make it so miserable there for her that she can't take it anymore and leave, thus freeing him and it not being 'His Fault." But a woman that caught him with me twice...I don't think she has it in her. What do you think?

[ezila]

The thing is, you don't know for certain what's going on within the walls of his own house. Maybe he is telling you how miserable his marriage is, in order to keep you from feeling guilty about being involved with him.

 

If he hasn't left her, then things probably aren't as bad at home as he's telling you.

 

You deserve to be with someone who's free to actually BE with you, not someone who's dividing his attention between two women.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[ou812]

He still loves his wife or he would have left. He has lied to you. Face it. I don't care what you think your heart is telling you, or what you think HE has told you. She obviously loves him as well. The throwing out thing was said in the heat of the moment. She is hurting right now too. And knowing that He sees you at work must be ripping her heart out. Put yourself in her shoes. You were married.

And no, the worst part of a divorce is not the fact that you might not find someone else. IT is the WHOLE divorce. YOU need to let things cool down as well. You have JUST left a relationship and have no business jumping into another one right off the bat, Expecially one that is not a TRUE relationship. You need to get to know yourself again and you can't do this with him hanging around you at work all the time. YOU have to be the big person in this and realize that it will not be the END of the WORLD if you two are not together. You deserve a real life. NOT one based on lies. You have to free yourself of this emotionally draining situation.

[sisterlynch]

This is not a good situation to be involved in, just because he compliments you it doesn't necessarily mean he still wants you. You need to be aware that his words to you don't reflect the reality of the situation. The wife wants him to stay, or he wouldn't be there for the kids.

 

I really don't believe people actually stay together for the kids, the kids may make it harder to live together!

 

You really should distance yourself from their problems, they never should have included you. It was a selfish thing for him to involve you. His compliments are probably his indirect way of saying that he is sorry.

[Heatrae]

Thank you so much for what you've been telling me. I don't want to sound like an idiot who says, "Oh, he's so different from all the other men in these situations..." but he geniuniely is..very much like a woman when it comes to matters of the heart. It's hard to explain, but it is real. He has been 'good' about not calling me (trying to do the right thing), and I think of him often, but then yesterday we had to work together. Time spent together was great and I needed to get some things off my chest. I expressed to him I think he has no idea of how difficult this is for me. That he's NOT the only one hurting, going through withdrawals, etc...he said he absoultely knows- he can see it. He said there are times he purposely aviods me at work, it's the only way he can get through the day. He said when he's away from here he thinks of me constatnly, but is able to manage, but as soon as he is within ear or nose shot of me, he loses all reason. We aren't physical, but what he's saying is the pull to be with me is overwhleming and any progress he's made as it relates to moving on, is set back and the process starts all over again. Yesterday he talked about how when he knew he was falling in love he should have walked away, because now he KNOWS. He KNOWS what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. He KNOWS how it could be...having been so used to this deadened existence he thought was normal of all marriages. He realuzes he has the power to make all the pain go away for everyone invloved and choose between being happy and healthy, and doing what he thinks is right. He stated nothing about a 'decision'. Deciding to take the high road, ater last night I sent him a text page telling him, "I heard you and the decision you've made, and I will respond accordingly. Wish you only the best, but you already knew that. See you around." I wanted to be the one, the strong one and THIS time I have to stick to it. He and I have been through this 5 times now with me pulling away- not allowing myself to be the other woman. He responded with, "thank you, it's what I need to do. it is for my family. I will see you and hope we can chat once in a while." So there you have it. I severed the tie again. IN the past, he has come back with a vengeance for fear of me really being GONE...I knew he would never tell me he doesn't love me anymore, because he does, but he has made his decision to stay there, whatever his reasons are, and I have to react to that. When he starts to feel shitty and alone...he only has himself to thank. He could have left, spent time alone and then started creating a new life for himself...but instead he will continue to be miserable and I will try to move on. What do you think??? (thank you!)

[sisterlynch]

I don't think that it is all that bad for him right now. There are no permanent fixes in life. The problems that he has can't be fixed by running off and starting a new life. Men often pretend to want something other than what they have but the truth of the situation is that we only have one life to live and we live it in the best possible fashion. He knows the bordem and frustration that he has created in his own life is his doing, it isn't his "wife's" fault or yours, he made all the choices that he wanted to, you made your choices and indeed there are no guarantees.

 

We all go through changes and sometimes zig when we should zag, but that doesn't change the draw to "zig" or the reality of the "zag."

 

It just gives you another feeling or impression of another life that you could be living, yet you choose to stay, and that turns out to be ok too.