After 20 years I finally got the nerve

[dreamweaverdude]

I'm been married over 20 years as of this past July and the last ten have been an existence ratheer than a loving marriage. Poor communication between thetwo of us I say was the major downfall. My wife wants the marriage to go on no matter what.... thinking everything can be fixed, but there are times that relationships and the people in them ARE truly better off starting over and apart than staying together just to stay together. Well Sunday I finally had the nerve and the 'you know what's" lol to confront my wife with this... and told her I wasn't interested in counseling, that counseling required two people wanting to make it workand that my heart wasn't into 'making it work'. and i told her i wanted 'out'. SHe cried, left for a while, but now it's just like it was. She never asked why I wanted out, never got mad... helll i went to sleep on the couch Sunday night and she pulled me back in to the bed to sleep. She said 'You have to go work in the morning and you need better erest than the couch". Ladies.... someone help me.. but i just told his lady i don't want to be married to her anymore...... and the last few days have been 'normal'. There has been no discussion of the topic since Sunday, and wasn't much said then other than she left the house for a few hours and then came back. Is this just a case of denial? Fixing to call the lawyer to see what the next step is... Was hoping to get her riled up enough to talk about settling...... but she doesn't even want to discuss the issue.

 

ANy ideas or comments are defintiely welcomed.

[Mun]

Hi there,

That's interesting that she doesn't talk about it. Sounds like her usual way of dealing with things is avoiding them in hopes that they go away.

 

You should talk to a lawyer, you might have to move out of the house to get the divorce underway. I think it's required in some states.

 

I'm glad that you finally got up the courage to change things. You should never settle for a mediocre existence. I hope that you can truly start your life over again and the next half of it is happy and peaceful.

[Day_Walker]

There is something behind this story that you arent telling us. Why isnt your heart in your marriage anymore? I will admit that i dont know what exactly your problems are besides the lack of communication in your marriage but have you ever thought why thats this has happened? Marriage takes two to make it work, do you believe that your marital problems cant be solved? or do you just want out of your marriage? The decision is ultimately yours but just make sure that you make an informed decision

[dreamweaverdude]

Day Walker,

 

Honestly BOTH....when there are issues to be discussed and my wife doesn't get her way the communications stop.... instantly and so does the bedroom.. its like our communications get held hostage.... it is then the 'you read my mind and figure it out' scenario...... have i been perfect in this day? heck no.. i've made my mistake for sure...... but this is something that has been in the works for years and neither one of us had the courage to present it to the other..... she pressed me hard last year at this time.. if you want out tell me.. and when i did.. she dropped it.. LOL..... and yeah there are things not mentioned here I'm sure apply...... and yes i do want out..... i'm tired of being used for simply a paycheck and security.... if you want an honest answer day....... my wife doens't have to work and the house always looks like a bomb exploded inside.. she's lazy and refuses to carry on her part of this relationship in a reasonable manner.. I wash the dishes, cook more than 50% of the time if i eat, and clean the house IF it ever gets cleaned.... and i guess after years of this i'm tired of it... i'd like a companion willing to meet me halfway .... not one who has her hand out for a free ride...... i'd love to stay at home while my spouse works and get to watch tv all day and not do a damn thing other than wash a few clothes and feed the dogs.. lol....... day. to be honest... i think the reason my wife doesn't want to talk about it is that i have spoiled her rotten over the years and she sees her gravy training ending..and she is scared.. and i'm sorry about that... but she should not have taken advantage of me over the years..... I have feelings too.. LOL and needs which rearely have been met.

[lillady898]

I don't believe in divorce AT ALL unless one (or both) are abusive towards the other (or the children), or one (or both) comits adultery. Otherwise, I think it should be worked out. People should think what these vows really mean BEFORE they say them...

 

What happened to for better or for worse? Richer or for poorer? Sickness and in health? It amazes me...

[Mun]

Problems in a marriage can be worked out when both parties are willing to put the effort to fix the situation.

 

What happens when only one person is willing to do anything while the other avoids the issue? You can either stay and settle for that kind of life and stop complaining--or you can cut your losses, get a divorce and find someone who values a relationship enough that they are willing give their 50 % to make it work.

 

A relationship is not easy and both parties should keep in mind that it will take constant work to keep it alive. One person can't do it alone.

[sisterlynch]

I really think that you should go to a counseling session or two before, so that you know what you are doing, and have a reason for everything. Don't just leave her the way that she is, she needs counseling to get up in the morning.

 

Is sex the only problem other than the house being a mess?

 

You sound like you are feeling very frustrated with her, but you really need to try and see if you can make some changes in her, otherwise I feel that looking back you will experience grief that you never tried to work on things with her.

 

At least do a trial separation to see if she can work on some of her own issues before you file papers.

[melrich]

Hi Dreamweaverdude,

 

First of all let me say that yours is a very common situation after 20 years of marriage. I think your wife is definitely in denial, if she doesn't think about it, it will go away. People who are very insecure in a relationship will usually avoid conflict for fear of what the conflict may expose. This is possibly why your wife walks away whenever you try to raise issues with her.

 

My advice is do not see a lawyer yet. Try a trial seperation. By that I mean move out for 6 months or so. This may help your wife come to terms with the fact that you have real issues in your marriage, it may also help you understand whether permanet seperation is really what you want, often the reality of seperation is very different from our visualisation of seperation. Permanent seperation is not something to rush into, involving lawyers at this stage will probably only escalate things beyond your control and there is no necessity to rush towards financial settlement.

 

bottom line is you need to make a proactive move. The best thing I think you can do is move out and give yourself some space to think about things.

 

To Lillady, I know many people have this attitude. But remember physical abuse represents only a tiny percentage of abuse in relationships. By far the most common abuse afflicted on spouses and partners is emotional abuse. This can take many forms and I think potentially applies here. Just because there are no physical signs does not make it any less debilitating. There is a lot of material dealing with emotional abuse available on the internet if you wish to get an understanding of it.

[dreamweaverdude]

I have tried for twenty years to make things better. TO her sex is something not to be enjoyed it is a duty... and she treats it as such, and no discussing it.... and as far as an earlier comment on vows, the vows are what has kept me here 20 years.... if not for the vows i'd left years ago...... but I don't believe God ever intended two people that are so miserable with each other to stay married for the sake of 'being married'. Don't misintrepret me. I do believe in the sacredness of marriage, but i also believe that there is a time and place when two people ar't willing to work things out should go there own way. LIfe is too short to die as a miserable old fart.

 

And as far as sex is concerned it is not to be discussed, and it is only to occur at night, in the dark, i mean.... damn.... and oral.. lol... yeah right.... it's like she truly believes that sex is not to be enjoyed... just a duty.... she wasn't this way when we married for sure..... or iof so i sure missed the signs... and wild sex is leaving a light on.... lol......

 

Listen , I work hard and providee a damn good living to a wife who doesn't have to work and gets to lounger at home during the day. What the hell is wrong expecting her to carry her part of the load.... and when someone has pissed on your fire... its a little hard to relight it...

[manfrnyc]

Assume she will start communicating and doing things around the house, and meeting you half way and she meets your needs... WOuld you still want to divorce her??? please answer that

 

If yes then do it divorce her if NO keep reading

 

GO to counseling get help, both of you read books, and talk to each other about your emotional needs and boundaries...

 

Try that and if you dont see any results then go ahaed and divorce...

 

Good luck

[littlelady148]

I dont know what you want your wife to say. Apparently she has tried to make this marriage work since you mentioned telling her you werent interested in councelling ( I assume she was). You told her you just want out, so what is there left for her to say to you anyway??? Get a lawyer, and start the ball rolling if thats what you want to do. Her communication doesnt seem like the problem here to me, it seems the problem is you dont want to work on this marriage or be married. Since your the one that wants the divorce why are you waiting for her to say something? Why dont you do the talking and tell her what you think would be fair and how you want to split things up etc and THEN maybe she will have something to say .

[littlelady148]

opps sorry, I didnt read some of the other posts . You say she is cold sexually but wasnt that way at first, so SOMETHING has happened. I had to laugh at your comment about when someone pisses on your fire its hard to get it lit again. SO TRUE and MAYBE thats how she feels too. Have you ever cheated on her ? I can tell you that takes the wifes sex drive from 10 to 0 in no time flat. Somehow I get the impression you arent really so sure you want to end it, just change HER ways and it might be better. That could be and maybe YOU could use a tune up yourself. Why arent you willing to go to councelling with her? Apparently whoevers fault it is things are the way they are, at least it seems she wants to look for answers . Why dont you?

[Precious]

I can relate to both sides of this situation...

 

If your wife is not interested in sex or sees it only as a duty, then there are serious issues here. It is not about sex, that is only a symptom of the bigger issues.

 

I've been married for over 20 years, and for the past couple have been struggling with the decision of whether or not to leave. My marriage has never been good, there has been virtually no communication, and I have not felt desire for my husband in a long time. I had no desire to have sex, and when we did, it was very "routine" -- but it was me who didn't want it any other way. I didn't know why, I thought there was something wrong with me, and the rare times that we did have sex, I felt like I was doing it out of guilt not out of any real desire. I had the mindset of "I just want to get this over with". Not a good thing....

 

I have discovered, however, that I am capable of feeling real passion and desire and to experience a very wonderful and rewarding sex life. It isn't with my husband, though. (yes, an affair) I can connect with another person on such a deep and intimate level, and that in turn sparks the desire and changes everything.

 

My lack of desire for my husband is directly related to the other problems in our marriage. As I said, communication is virtually non-existent. He avoids any kind of discussion, walking away from me and completely closing me out. There has been neglect and in a sense, abandonment, that has left me hurt, angry and now numb toward him. I have given up on thinking that there can be any change... I just can't see it, ever.

 

I have to freely admit that I am at fault in this relationship, too. There are two people in a relationship, and both have to take responsibility. I know that over time my hurt and anger and the many unresolved issues caused me to slowly distance myself and then to completely shut him out both emotionally and physically. I am a good parent, but I have not been a good wife, and he has not been a good husband. We have not been good for one another.

 

I work part time, he is on the road during the week. But he has never, ever helped out at home or with the children. I have borne the load alone for our entire marriage, and I am tired of doing so and not having any support. Given the state of things and the constant tension, I might as well be on my own and not in a place where one should expect a partnership but not have it.

 

You said "but this is something that has been in the works for years and neither one of us had the courage to present it to the other..... she pressed me hard last year at this time.. if you want out tell me.. and when i did.. she dropped it.. " This sounds familiar. I did not have the courage for so many years to face the problems let alone try to discuss them with my husband. Now I am starting to find that courage, only to hit a brick wall when I try. Some time ago I tried to bring it up, to say that we have some serious things we need to look and discuss and see what we can do about this, and his response was to basically call it quits right there and then. No discussion, nothing. But that was at the moment. After the intitial anger, it just got dropped, and he's never brought it up again.

 

I've let it be dropped... for now. After Christmas.... we shall see...

 

littlelady148 said that it seems that maybe you don't want to leave, you just want her to change. That is an important point. Someone said that to me recently, and it really made me think. Did I want him to change, and if he did, would I want to stay in the marriage? I don't forsee any change, but even if he did... it's not what I want anymore. I don't think there is anything he can do at this point to make me want to be in this relationship where there is nothing -- no connection on any level. I'd suggest that you really think about that point...

 

I recently read an excellent book that I would recommend, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-By-Step Guide to Helping You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Good stuff...

 

Sorry to hijack your thread with my own sob story. In reading your posts, I just see so many things that hit home, from both sides.

 

I wish you all the best.