So many issues with my dad, please help!

[Rockyr87]

I moved into an apartment with my dad after I graduated college to help him through his "divorce". I'm beginning to genuinely regret it because every time I talk to him I just get wound up and agitated. Every time he comes home from work he basically just drinks himself to sleep and is impossible to talk to. Whenever I do talk to him he just treats me like a doormat cause he doesn't have my stepmom to yell at. Now my younger brother comes over every single day and my dad will only do stuff with him. I work long hours and when I do have a day off and I ask my dad if he wants to do something he just does something with my brother. Some days I just want to leave and never look back. What should I do?

[nutbrownhare]

Your job is not to 'help' your dad through his divorce; this is a completely inappropriate form of emotional incest. He is an adult, it sounds as though he's got a developing drink problem and was abusive to your stepmom. It's not your responsibility to take her place, though I'm guessing that you now have a very clear insight into why they broke up.

 

I'm not surprised you just want to leave, and that is exactly what you MUST do. As it is you are unwittingly enabling his drinking and other dysfunctional behaviours. This doesn't mean you never look back, necessarily. You could still phone once a week, say, and if he's not capable of talking to you in a reasonable manner then don't even try. In Alanon and CoDependents Anonymous there is an expression 'to detach with love', which means you do not involve yourself directly in the other person's business, let them get on with it whilst still continuing to care about them. This means that you stop caring FOR them, i.e. trying to do things which they can, and should, be doing for themselves. Your first responsibility is to yourself.

[Rockyr87]

I really appreciate the quick reply. What makes the whole thing even more complicated and annoying is that he's actually considering getting back together with her. He wasn't really abusive to her, but the other way around. They constantly fought about everything and it just made everything uncomfortable. He knows how much I hate her. What I don't think he knows is how what he's doing is affecting me. Is there nothing I can do to make him get it? I think it's also worth mentioning that he had a drinking problem in the past, but supposedly fell out of it. My mom went to alanon meetings for a really long time. AlI was in college he never went out of his way to call me to see what I was up to unless he was having a problem. Never really came to hang out with me either. If I had somewhere to go I would, but I really don't. Most of my family lives out of state. It's starting to affect me in almost every aspect of my life.

[nutbrownhare]

I really appreciate the quick reply. What makes the whole thing even more complicated and annoying is that he's actually considering getting back together with her. He wasn't really abusive to her, but the other way around. They constantly fought about everything and it just made everything uncomfortable. He knows how much I hate her. What I don't think he knows is how what he's doing is affecting me. Is there nothing I can do to make him get it?

 

You really, really need to establish some healthy boundaries in your own mind; i.e. where you finish and the other person starts. If he's considering getting back with her, and she agrees - that's their business, not yours. If it's a terrible relationship, that's their problem; some people who are incapable of real intimacy actually function better in a relationship where there's a lot of conflict rather than not at all. It's very unhealthy, but not yours to deal with.

 

What IS yours to deal with is that you are still enmeshed with your father. You need to distance yourself. The short answer is that there is nothing you can do to make him 'get it' any more than you can understand why he'd want to get back with her. You can't change your father. None of us can ever change another person. What we can do is change our attitudes, our actions and our responses. You owe him nothing, and he owes you nothing. You do owe it to yourself to take responsibility for your own life, and stop needing him to change so that you can feel better. He probably won't, and you need to learn to feel better anyway. If you are really struggling with this - and most of us from dysfunctional families do! - it would be an idea to get professional help, which will not only help you detach from your father but enable you to have healthy relationships in the future.

[Rockyr87]

You're right. It's a lot easier said than done though. He's always managed to drag me.into his problems even when I ask him not to. When I say leave me out of it he basically guilts me into getting involved. I constantly feel an obligation to help him cause he always helped me. What's the best way to just break away from that line of thinking?

[nutbrownhare]

Some of us don't do it without professional help. Do a Google search for healthy boundaries, and dealing with guilt, and any other issues which may be relevant to you.

 

But first of all, you need to establish that another person can't MAKE us feel anything, including guilt, without our consent. Your parents' job is to help you while you're growing up; it also sounds as though your current situation isn't helping either of you.

[Rockyr87]

I'm going to get right on that. I was seeing a doctor a few months back, but when.I'd officially moved back here I stopped and.haven't found a new doctor. What do you mean when you say the situation isn't helping either of us?

[nutbrownhare]

Just that; you're feeling very unhappy and frustrated, he spends his time getting drunk and/or is abusive. When he does want to take a bit of time out, he does it with your brother rather than you. By the way, this is a reflection of who HE is, not who you are!

[nutbrownhare]

As well as seeing a doctor, you might try Alanon or CoDA; there will be many other people with similar issues to yours, and both of these organisations organise meetings which are free.

[Rockyr87]

I feel kinda stupid for asking this, but what do you mean by that? Not about alanon, but how it's a reflection of who he is and not me.

[nutbrownhare]

I feel kinda stupid for asking this, but what do you mean by that? Not about alanon, but how it's a reflection of who he is and not me.

 

The way people act is a statement of who they are, not who anyone else is. I thought I'd mention it because it can be very easy to blame yourself for someone else's behaviour, especially if you're vulnerable to being manipulated by guilt. For example, it's an absolutely classic scenario for alcoholics to blame their drinking on their family, financial problems etc. and the rest of their family buy into that. Conveniently ignoring the fact that many people face horrendous problems without needing to drown them in alcohol.

 

This works both ways. Your father's relationship is not making you do or feel anything; the reaction is yours alone. This means that you have a choice as to how you're going to deal with it for yourself.

[Rockyr87]

I understand now. Funny you'd mention that classic scenario cause he's actually said that a few times. Not so much now though.

[Rockyr87]

Kinda off topic question: is it bad that he's holding me accountable for 40% of the bills each month? I just graduated college and have yet to find a career type job