Broke No Contact, Dead End Conversation, Panic Ensued

[PaperSt1537]

After a two months of virtually no contact (aside from a return email telling her I needed time before I could talk to her again) with my ex of two years, I contacted her today to ask her if she was alright from the aftermath of hurricane Sandy in NYC where she lives. After she said she was okay, thanked me for asking and then asked if I was okay too, I proceeded to ask her if she was still interested in "catching up" as I thought I was ready. She replied that she did want to catch up and asked me how school was going (I'm an returning adult student). Apparently it only took one text to ruin everything...

 

I replied that school was "going really well," that I was enjoying it very much so far, that I "switched majors for career viability" reasons and I proceeded to say some ridiculous thing about "reigniting my creativity through physical art" or something like that. To which I put in quotes as kind of a sarcastically pretentious thing to say. I then asked her how her job was going and if she had found new work.

 

For the rest of the day it's been silence. Nothing. And my mind wanders and strays into the worst possible scenarios. I can't focus because I keep analyzing and deconstructing my text, wondering if, knowing I said too much, something wrong, everything wrong. I know the possibility exists that her silence has nothing to do with me; that she's just busy working, having fun, sleeping with her new boyfriend she may or may not have but probably does. I try to tell myself that replying to her ex is at the bottom of a long list of priorities but my narcissism and my intense feelings for her are still too strong to ignore the idea that she can see that I'm just still not ready and has responded in kind. That she can read between the lines and see that I'm trying too hard to convince her that I'm doing well.

 

I can't contact her again. There's just no way now. I've done too much damage to this opportunity and now, after only two texts it's completely ruined and, again, I have to start this healing process all over again, knowing with every turn that I mean so little to her now.

[lalalollipops]

Don't worry, we all make mistakes and let our emotions get the better of us at times. Just continue NC again and this time be strong and firm! Don't beat yourself up, you didn't say anything pathetic, it's fine.

Better than 'Didn't you miss me at all, why don't you want me back damn it?'

Then you'll have the right to bury your head in shame.

[MicheleDC]

If she lives in NYC, I think it was appropriate for you to text her. Maybe you can wait a couple of days, and text her again, but don't text too much about yourself.

[lalalollipops]

^ omg don't do this. Don't text her again. That screams desperate, while you're supposed to project nonchalance, acceptance and strength. Girls find that attractive, not a puppy dog.

[Trinity11]

Im with Lalalollipops

[calichick007]

Yeah, I would definitely not text again. Don't beat yourself up... nothing you said is really awful, IMO. Just keep moving forward and let this be a sign that you aren't ready to catch up.

[PaperSt1537]

The idea of not knowing if I said "too much" or if I tried too hard to sound like I had my life together is the part that's driving me crazy. I'd almost be a lot better off if she had replied and told me she could tell I wasn't ready to talk yet. Then I would know. But the fact that I won't, maybe ever know is almost maddening.

 

But then there's the fact that I do care this much and the mere idea that it's making me crazy means that my thinking that I was ready to talk at all is ridiculous.

[alertstatusred]

I wouldn't stress over it. It wasn't that bad of a text and if she isn't replying I doubt it's because of what you wrote.

[sharky988]

I agree with everyone above -- forgive yourself for being human and move on! Everyone slips, and you kept the conversation quick and polite, no fighting or begging or anything to be embarrassed about.

 

Imo the only mistake you made was using the hurricane as an excuse to contact her again. The lesson here is, there's never a legitimate reason to break NC when someone's broken up with you. Not holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, national disasters, nothing. The only kind of contact that you ever want to be having from someone who dumped us is contact that THEY initiate and is asking for another chance.

 

Every other form of contact is UNWANTED from the dumpee's perspective. So, she was polite, exchanged basic information -- but if she WANTED to be in contact, she would be. If she WANTED to catch up, she would have. Most importantly: if she WANTED to get back together, she'd be contacting you herself to make it happen. She did the bare minimum to reply to your contact in a superficially polite way, now it's over -- it's not because what you wrote was offensive or too much information, it was just unwanted, for whatever reason.

 

This is so harsh, but true -- and otherwise you've done a wonderful job with sticking to NC for two whole months!

 

But the sad truth is, unless they WANT to contact us themselves, any contact we make is unwanted and unwelcome, no matter what we say or whatever the excuse we use to break NC...... just in my experience, anyway.

[markie6]

Don't beat yourself up about it ... breaking NC will cause upheaval when it becomes obvious you shouldn't have done it. Loads of us have been there. So try harder to hold the line next time , breaking NC and then sitting there staring at your phone , waiting for a reply is a painful process , re-opening old wounds.

 

Lots have used the hurricane ( like birthdays etc ) to blatantly obviously reach out , when it could be legitimately showing concern.... concern that the dumper doesn't really want you to have, they want you to have let it go. Reminding them that you haven't is a setback for you but just try and use it to keep yourself together next time. Cacthing up should be instigated by the dumper for it to be of any use , hurricane was a perfect opportunity for them to let you know they're ok , if they wanted.

[imonlyhuman]

Agreed. Texting her after the hurricane to see how she was is fine. Just leave it at that. Don't ruin the niceness of that with more texts. Good luck.

[SScolo]

You are totally fine, but don't text her again, just for the fact that it will set you back even further. I thought about texting my ex about Sandy (his son lives in NYC), but stopped myself, b/c I have come this far (one month since BU/NC), and I want to keep it going.

 

You didn't say anything wrong, so don't beat yourself up, but don't wait for her to reach back out to you. The next time you feel like contacting her, however, remember how you feel right now. You deserve to be happy.

[PaperSt1537]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and support. I deal with a lot of serious issues with depression and anxiety which is the primary reason my ex left me. She just couldn't deal with my emotional problems. These issues also cloud my judgement all the time and compound molehill mistakes like this into the tallest of mountains.

 

I will say that the reason I even considered playing "catch up" with her in the first place was because she asked me if we could talk a month ago (a completely unsolicited request) to which I politely replied at time that I wasn't ready yet. She told me she'd "be around if I wanted to talk someday." It's confusing in a way to have her reach out like that (even thought I know it was probably simply out of guilt or temporary loneliness) only to cut off contact again in the middle of a conversation and never reply.