Stages in LDR

[arwen]

Well, here I am again! I just need some experts on this... In any relationship you have stages, so this holds for LDR as well. In the beginning there is the overwhelming attention and it seems like there is nothing else in the world. But of course, this ends. Too bad, reality kicks in at some point, doesn't it?

 

My LDR was a LDR from the beginning, we met this summer at holiday (not in any of our own countries). We are separated by approx. 1500 km for those who haven't read any previous postings of mine. We communicate in English by sms and msn, and twice a week a short phone call. As we are both poor students, there is no way to talk on the phone more often.

 

In the beginning, all his attention was for me. I didn't have to do anything, all came from him. This ended. Still he sends me texts, but not that many anymore. His school started and he is very busy, as am I. With the difference that my busy-ness is merely at my own home trying to finish studies and his is always out of house.

 

So, I guess the time has begun that we both have to work on the relationship. I feel lost and confused. For the first time I suggested to call him this weekend, and he called me (sweet!), and we spoke on msn later. But it's not like it used to be. It's more normal I guess.

 

My question is: is it normal to move to this more 'laid back' stage (well I am NOT laid back with this, but I don't show that to him...) after 3 months? I am visiting him in a few weeks, and we are both counting days. I don't suspect anything is wrong, but I just feel lost in this. I tend to be an insecure person in relationships, I have been hurt badly in the past and part of my insecurity is from that wound.

 

I hope to hear from all of you how it was in the beginning, and how things became after that... sorry if I have asked some of these things before. I need some reassurance!

 

 

 

Ilse.

[ayekasong]

To be 100% honest, I don't really remember when my relationship moved into the more laid back stage. However, something I do know (and this is true about more than just relationships) is that 3 months seems to be the point at which things are not new anymore. Perhaps now that your relationship is not "new" anymore, the comfort is setting in. I doubt you have anything to worry about. I would be a lot more worried if this was happening at 3 days or 3 weeks.

[Dominique130]

Ilse, I think we are having parallel relationships.

I've also noticed a definite change in how often we communicate. My boyfriend and I still talk everyday on the phone (not for too long, just 10 mins or so) but there are way less texts, emails, letters, etc. coming from him. Up until a few weeks ago this was really bothering me, and I would continue to send emails and texts and would get upset when he didnt return them. We had a talk about it and he said that he was just really busy, and that it wasnt anything personal at all. He is definitely the level-headed one sometimes in our relationship, I tend to worry and over-analyse things when we are apart (ie "he didnt return my text, does he still love me?"). He said "until otherwise notified honey, everything is fine, its not like I stopped loving you in the 24 hours since we talked last". His reaction surprised me, but makes complete sense. I suspect your bf think something similar. Guys seem to operate on the no news is good news and dont feel the need to talk all the time, it actually bothers my them to do so. I'm working on adopting an attitude of total trust in him and that our relationship will work out and am trying very hard to be less "needy"and more secure in our relationship. If something is wrong, or something changes he will tell me. If something important comes up, he will call me. I'm slowly realizing that I am an important part of his life but dont need to be there every single step of the way.

[tea]

thanks dominique. I need to adopt that attitude too. I had it until last week when he didn't contact me the entire week... then I totally lost it. lol.

[arwen]

tea, I have read that your bf is in the military, right? That is even harder, although when he doesn't contact you there is more of a logical explanation, I guess. But it sucks anyway.

 

My bf sent a sweet text today, he is busy too, preparing to be free when I visit him. I feel a bit ashamed now... I am busy and stressed too, and I tend to worry about him instead of my real worries so to say...

 

Thanks for the replies, and keep writing (here or elsewhere in the topic)! I love having found this site!

 

good night (here it's 11:20 pm)

 

Ilse.

[OceanEyes]

ilse, you're too paranoid! (I used to be the same way, my worrying and fussing almost killed me a couple of times)

 

I guarantee that as soon as you guys see each other and can spend some quality time together, that everything you've been feeling is going to be a distant memory. LDRs are incredibly hard sometimes, especially when both people are really busy!

 

He loves you, otherwise he wouldn't put himself through having a LDR - too much emotional energy for someone who isn't 100% worth it!

 

Good luck!

[arwen]

Hahaha, you are right OceanEyes... it's the fear speaking here. But I am better than a couple of weeks ago, I guess. I realize that for both of us, it's hard to maintain the relationship until we see each other. Yesterday he really made the effort of talking to me, although he had been working all day and came to msn at the time I was at my job... he still managed to get online when I got home, which made me happy.

 

In two weeks I will be able to hold my guy, finally... I am nervous!!!

 

It's all a trial and error I suppose, and in fact I think a LDR is good for me. I have these fears in every relationship, but often I push them away because I see the person so soon and get the reassurance I need. But it keeps on being there beneath the surface. Now, in a LDR I have even less control and it forces me to work on my own issues.

 

How are you other galls holding up? PAdreamer? Didn't see you here in a while, hope it means you're doing fine.

 

 

Ilse.

[Dominique130]

Hi Ilse,

 

I just think its too funny how everyone is going through the same issues and fears in their LDRs. It sure makes me feel less crazy to hear I'm not the only one. I'm actually doing pretty well. I am working very hard on having faith in my boyfriend that he is coming home and trusting him that he would tell me if something was wrong. He's been tired, sick and stressed the last few weeks and doesnt quite seem like himself, which of course makes me worry more, but its only about 2 months until I can see him again and that certainely helps. I feel so powerless to help him when he is not feeling well, I hate it! I kind of feel like we are a stand-still in our relationship at the moment, we are very stable, and comfortable, I just hope I'm not being naive in thinking this probably means everything is going well.

 

I'm so happy you get to see your bf soon! Hold onto him and never let go if he makes you happy!

[faeriechyld]

I know what you mean. I mean, my relationship was a bit weird as...when we were still in the "3 month" stage, he left for boot camp and so I was basically 6 weeks without much more than a few letters and a 5 minute phone call maybe once every two weeks.

 

When he got to tech school, it was different. He was always calling me and I even yelled at him a few times because I felt like he was going to spoil me with all this contact and then he'd get busy, or worse yet, he'd eventually be deployed and I wouldn't hear from him for days, weeks, or months(I've heard horror stories from other girls with military b/fs). While he isn't deployed yet(and he's currently trying to get out of active duty and go into the Air National Guard so he can come HOME!!!), the calls from tech school became less and less as he got further into it. One time he didn't call me for a week, which wouldn't have been too bad except it was the week before I was to fly out to see him and I had no idea about a plan to meet up once I got there. Even now at his permanent duty station, he calls sporadically. Sometimes I hear from him every night of a week, other times I hear from him maybe once or twice.

 

I wouldn't worry about it too much, he's busy and you are too. Even when my boyfriend does get time to call me, I may not necessarily be home either. It takes a lot to make a relationship over the distance work, and with school being in session for both of you, I can only imagine how hectic it is to keep up with your studies -and- an LDR. It'll be ok, LDRs take a lot of faith and a lot of trust. You really put your heart on the line for them, but in the end, a lot of times, it's worth it.

[tea]

deployment horror stories...

 

Man, I thought boot camp was the worst!

 

Bf's in the Navy and I already have problems dealing with his infrequent e-mails... sometimes every night, sometimes once a week. and phone call once a month and the phone call gets random interruption thanks to his awful reception.

 

Just imagine what the Army gfs have to go through.

 

I think I'm slowly getting used to this though. Sometimes I get way too emotional and lonely, but other times I'm perfectly fine... like right now.

[Shieldfan]

Hi Ilse. Hehe, i kinda recognize some of this. Remember my posts before, that u replied to? Maybe it´s that stage me and my baby has come to now too, the more "normal" stage, when PM´s, SMS, MSN msgs etc kinda decreases. And i was becoming so freaked out that she wasn´t interested in me anymore. Probably because i haven´t had a longer relationship before. I had lots of help from your replies to me Ilse, and i hope these words from me help you too BTW, im gonna visit my gf this christmas, it will be our first meeting, and thats soooo exciting, am walking on clouds every day now, and maybe we bounce back to stage 1 in our relationship then, where we just cant get enough of each other =)

 

Take care

[arwen]

Heey you all!!!

 

How many responses over one night! Yes, I guess for you army/military gf's it's even a harder story...

 

My bf is the sweetest I have ever had... the last few days it has been incredibly hard to get a hold of each other, because our schedules are complementary... I received the sweetest letter of him yesterday. Only so few days that I will be able to hold him.

 

Yes, there are definitely less texts and so on, but I have concluded that as long as the contents are stable and 'developing' in the right direction, there is nothing to worry about.

 

Shieldfan, what you say is probably even more true for a LDR than for normal relationship. Because we see each other only a week per two/three months, we fall in love again, probably. The other side is though, to stay that way and to hold on to that feeling when you are divided by the distance again. One thing for you, as you have never met before, please be realistic about this. Things can turn out completely different in real life. Be careful with your expectations.

 

well keep on writing you all! Love this forum!!!

 

Ilse

[ayekasong]

I find that I go through my own stages... I've got a couple of months yet before I see my bf, but I go through stages of being super excited, then really missing him, then being too busy to miss him, then back to super excited again. LDRs can be emotionally draining sometimes lol

[arwen]

Hey my online-friends-in-similar-situations!

 

Ayeka, I can't even imagine that for you 'months from going to him' is something that means 'I am gonna see him SOON'... My bf and I will see each other in a bit more than a week, and then we have been apart for 2 months exactly... It's the biggest part of the relationship being apart. We are together for almost 3 months now.

 

We still contact everyday, although I have been away the whole weekend and came home around the time he left for things. I have noticed that I need to be more straightforward about speaking online and so on. We are both so busy, it's craziness to play the 'spontaneous' game by sort of playing hard to get. It's already hard enough and at this point I am secure enough to just state the times I am at home and we expect from each other to fit in to our schedules some time to speak or at least send a mssg or mail.

 

He has done so all the time, so I wonder why I worry still at some points. I have noticed that my 'stages' also co-occur with my periods and stuff haha. I will freak out even more when the red flag comes up, so to say.

 

Well, hope you are all well, I am ok now that we are both counting days...

 

he even more so than me!

 

Ilse.

[tea]

^_~ When I have a period I get that way too. I don't normally care a lot about my bf not being here... but if it's period week, then I get super depressed and sad if he doesn't e-mail me every day.

[bat_grrl]

How do you all get to that stage whee youa re secure with everything? That you don't freak out when he/she says they will call/meet you online and they don't? I start to worry and my thoughts run away with me.

 

I am usually always there when I say I will be. Am I making myself too accessable? He doesn't freak if I am a bit late. He used to a bit more, but he has already reached that comfortable stage. I haven't...

 

I have only been home for two weeks since I last saw him. We won't see each other again until January. I guess what bothers me is that before I came out there, we were online EVERY night to each other, saying sweet sticky things to each other. Now that we met, I am back home, he seems so comfortable with everything. He is just doing so much better with all of this than I am.

 

He said to me the same thing Ilse said. That unless he tells me there is an issue, assume things are fine. I know he would have no problem telling me if there was an issue. I wish I could just reach the stage of getting on with things and not spending my moments focusing on him, writing him emails and waiting to talk to him again.

 

This can be sooo hard...

[tea]

Yeah, it's hard. ^^:

 

I don't know what to say either. I think it's hard too.

 

I force myself to put up with it though. I chose to be in my relationship and I chose to be with him, so as long as I know he's trying too I won't complain too much about it. ^^ Sometimes I wish he can e-mail more, call more, get online more, or just come home all together. That's not the case though... and there's nothing I can do about it. ^^: I can get out. ^_~ but I don't want to.

 

It sucks. *sigh*

[arwen]

bat_grrl, and all other grrls and boyz,

 

I recognize, but just relax. I have kept myself really busy the last few days, and I have noticed that the trick is just to do THAT. Being 'not too available' on purpose doesn't help. I was away for most of the days and it was the sweetest surprise to find emails of him counting the days, etc.

 

We talk less but have contact every day. Yes, I can freak out but I am now used to this... PLUS I am gonna see him soon, that helps big time.

 

I now study while NOT being online all the time, I leave my phone at home sometimes, and I don't check in on msn when I am too tired...

 

It's difficult and you should only pull through this when it's worth it... but no one would do this to themselves if it wasn't worth it. That holds for your boyfriend too! (those were wise words of OceanEyes one time)

 

Well, off to bed here,

 

Ilse.

[Trixy05]

Good Day All,

 

I am new to this forum, but so far love it. Let me give you a little background info. I am a 21 year old female and I met my boyfriend on MYSPACE, he is 25. We started talking one day at work... and never stopped. We talked for a solid month every day while at work. We started talking on the phone one night shortly after. It had been hard to arrange a weekend to see each other because I worked 7 days a week. I liked to keep busy because it kept me focused...since I wasn't looking for anyone. After a month I had two days off from a Holiday. I drove 6 hours to see him and spent the weekend there. I didn't want to leave and he didn't want to let me leave. Two weeks later I quite my second job. That weekend he came and saw me for three days, which was great. And than I came and saw him one week later. After that we had to wait 3.5 weeks to see each other, which was horrible. We are slowly starting to get in the more laid back stage now... and emails are fewer and farther between and the calls are pretty regular times. This is bound to happen. This week I found out that I got an offer for a position in the same city that he lives in. I live in Los Angeles, he is in San Francisco. The job is a better job, and I have it if I want it. We talked and we both agree that its a "good thing", but is it? I mean I am so crazy about him, and I don't think it could work out if we had to do this LDR thing. I mean how long do LDR's really last anyways? But does it put too much pressure on a relationship so soon? It has only been 3 1/5 months since we started talking! If I don't take it now, maybe I wont get offered it again though?

So many questions and things to ask, but I found myself holding back because I don't want to over analyze this. Its just I know every time I leave his arms, that's the only place I want to be. Do you ever feel the need to be pinched?

I don't want to tell him all of those feels afraid of it being too soon or scaring him away. Although I do know he cares for me greatly and vise versa. Almost like it doesn't need to be said. Anyway, sorry for the long message, any suggestions?

[arwen]

I would just try and go with the flow. Each relationship has its own way of growing. One of you will eventually have to bring out the question of 'where is this going', but I think it's too early after 3.5 months (generally speaking!). If you are not comfortable and secure enough to start a conversation like this, just wait for a bit. Maybe he will. Until then, just enjoy getting to know that person, and you will soon enough see if he is still someone you would make long-term plans with.

 

It seems like I am advising you, right? It's actually what I keep saying to myself this day, soon I will be in the plane to my bf... I wouldn't bring up futureplans in the first place, I am the kind of person that just waits until the other person does, and starts complaining to everyone else (but him) when he doesn't. You get my drift? Not the greatest advisor on the communication part, am I...!?

 

Well, good luck, and write you all soon,

 

Ilse.

[Mermaid]

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite awhile--friends for two years, an unofficial couple for about a year and an official one for about seven months.

 

We've never moved into the more laid-back stage.

 

We're in touch several times a day. During the week, we get phone calls in every day or every other day (my boyfriend's cell plan isn't as good as mine) and we also IM every single night. (I also tm him a lot from my computer, as he has a great tm package.) On weekends, we talk for hours every day, because we're each other's favorite people... lol.

 

All relationships are different. You just have to make sure that you're both on the same page, even in regard to frequency of communication.

[Trixy05]

That's for the reply. It's so hard to understand where each people are coming from because each situation can be so different. My biggest problem is right now I have to decide if I should take the job I was offered in the city he lives in. I have to decide by next Monday. I will be going to see him on Thursday night, and staying with him till Sunday hopefully a little time will tell. I just hope I don't drive myself crazy....

 

I am still confused on how a LDR works for such a long period of time. I would think you should jump on any opportunity to be closer to that person. I guess I am hopeless romantic? or hopeless for love....

 

thanks all