Can't stop fighting with my straight guy friend @_@

[bevans3]

I've been friends with this guy for not too long actually, only since July. He's known I was gay from the start and that I had a crush on him. It was nice at first, we would text day in and day out about just everything and we were always together. I can count on one hand the days we haven't talked since we met each other (day one he gave me his number so yeah). I'd flirt with him and he'd just blush, smile and laugh and he never made me feel bad about anything. He wouldn't really flirt back, but he would just say nice things to me or call me Mr. Funny guy. I gave him a little handjob at a party back in August when this girl was all over him, and a few weeks ago it was just he and I and we ended up sharing my bed (his idea - I offered to sleep on the floor) and we cuddled a little bit. Both times we were drunk and he claims to not remember either of those things.

 

Anyway we've just been fighting like crazy lately. I can't say exactly when, but it started before the sleepover when we cuddled. It was mostly about his sexuality because I had fallen for him and with the way things were I was just unhappy and was convinced he wasn't straight. I wanted to try and get him to come out but as we all know that's not reasonable or even possible. So as you can imagine after our sleepover I got even more determined. But he would get defensive and shoot me down. I've tried telling him I need space because hearing him talk about girls and who he found attractive only hurt me because of how I felt for him and he said he didn't want anything to compromise our friendship so do what I had to do. Yeah that only lasted a day until we were back to talking again. I think even subconciously I've tried pushing him away. One night two weeks ago we got into a HUGE argument about how some of our friends questioned his sexuality too. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me other than school stuff and he's tired of dealing with my bs and doesn't want any kind of friendship with me. It was intense but it took us all of a day to get over it.

 

Now we just fight about anything and everything. Last night we fought because I sent him a text earlier in the day asking for help with something. He said he was kinda busy sorry. So I said that's okay! Do you have free time later to help out? And he didn't respond. When he didn't answer I just told him it'd be quick, I only needed help depositing bottles and cans. Still no answer. So 6hrs later I asked him if he was alright and he replied will you stop trying so hard? I was like what? He said you've been trying to text me all day. I was like uh I only sent two texts, why are you acting out? He said he wasn't acting out and that I always misinterpret everything and blow things out of proportion so I asked him to explain to me then and set me straight and he said it's hopeless. That was that. We talked a little bit today but not much, only for him to tell me he was going to play football with some of his friends. This is only one example of our many many MANY clashes.

 

It would be a lie to say that I don't have feelings for him, I do. But this friendship isn't functional, we fight so much. I just want things to settle although idk why it's so hard. I'm generally a chill guy and so is he. We just are so intense with each other and it doesn't make sense to me especially since we aren't dating. It doesn't help that our friends see this

"connection" with us and tell me that he's so obviously confused. I don't want the constant hostility. I am no angel in this circumstance by any means but I know it takes two to tango. What can I do to make things less hostile? Man I need help with this one!

[lizzie2011]

I can't say that I understand the dynamics of coming out but it sounds to me like you're trying to force him to come out before he is ready. I agree with you that he sounds confused about his sexuality and as a result of his confusion he is acting out and being unkind to you. You deserve better than that.

 

I don't think you can do anything in these circumstances to make things less hostile. If the root cause of his hostility is his inability to accept that he is gay there is absolutely nothing you can do about that. If he identifies as straight then the cuddling with you and handjob would cause his some anxiety. Maybe you should let him go and see if he comes back to you

[lavenderdove]

>>So as you can imagine after our sleepover I got even more determined.

 

That's your problem... you're trying to force him to be/do what YOU want him to do, not what HE wants you to do. And he may be bi- rather than straight if he is still interested in women as well. So a person who is bi- may not want to come out as gay because they don't see that as their identity.

 

And even if he was gay, if he's not ready for a commitment to you and only wants a casual relationship, you are pushing him to give you more than he wants to give. That never works either. You see the problem as he is gay and won't admit it and as soon as he does everything will be fine, but the problem may be that he's bi-, or just experimenting sexually and not sure he even wants to have encounters with men, or maybe he's not interested in a relationship and only friends.

 

So you need to back off and stop fighting, and ask yourself what are your fighting for? If you're fighting to try to force him to be gay, won't work, if you're fighting to make him see you more, won't work, if you're hovering over him because you want to see him badly or are worried what he's thinking, won't work, will just drive him away.

 

So I suggest you don't have anymore 'emotional' conversations with him nor press him to see you. Wait a bit then invite him to go somewhere with you that would be fun for him. If he goes fine, if he says no, then just say, sure, ok, we'll go another time and be light and don't act miffed about it. Relate to him as a FRIEND and not as if he were a BF or potential BF because he just isn't at this point. And if you are fighting all the time he has no incentive to want to see you or be with you. That's like trying to entice a nervous stray cat to come out of the cold by offering food in one hand and throwing rocks at it with the other.

 

So make some gentle offers to spend some fun NON-couply time together, and dial the emotion and emotional conversations WAY back and he may come around IF he really is interested and IF he does feel right about it. But you can't force him to have a certain kind of connection to you and you can't force his feelings or orientation, so just stop that and let him be. He has no incentive to do anything with you with all this drama.

 

People gravitate towards things that give them peace and pleasure and away from things that pressure them or make them uncomfortable. If you want him to gravitate towards you you have to stop the drama and pressure and show him that you are good together, not spend your time forcing him to do something he may not be ready to do (or is not sure he even wants to do at all yet).

[jaciej]

You are acting more like a boyfriend than a friend...You are trying to get him to admit that he has feelings for you, because of certain situations eg. handjob and sleeping together. Unfortunately you are the one with the feelings and you are trying to project your insecurities on him.

 

If he says he is not interested, then accept it...you'll save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. (I dont understand why he is fooling around with you) maybe its his little secret, whilst trying to tell himself he's straight.

[bevans3]

This is really great advice thanks guys!

 

I suppose I already knew what to do (i.e. backing off about his sexuality) but my feelings always got in the way. When I questioned him about his reactions and why he doesn't tell me to back off with the flirts, he just replied that he's just never been in this type of situation before (another guy having feelings for him and stuff) so yes he was uncomfortable but mostly because it was new to him. However he saw it all as harmless. Also he's told me that I am the first gay guy he's met who is masculine and hasn't been a complete flamer so who knows maybe that sparked something in him too.

 

I dont know if I can fully acredit those two encounters we had since we were both drunk and he claims not to remember so I'm not going to hold much weight on them. Regardless you guys are right in the fact that I should stop focusing on being his boyfriend and more on his friend.

 

I think I'm just gonna leave him alone for a while. It'll be hard but necessary. When we start talking again I'm just gonna play it cool and not have any hidden agenda or have any hopes that one day he'll come around. I like the stray cat reference. I like being friends with him but the constant fighting is just so draining. Hopefully we'll be able to get passed it. Thanks guys I'll keep you updated!

[CeeLambrini]

A friendship can only last so long when one person has feelings and the other doesn't. He isn't gay sweetie, he is open to experiment, but he isn't gay. My friend went through a very emotional time when he started to like one of our friends and got extremely angry and hurt every time our straight friend would hook up with a girl. Can you imagine how emotionally exhausting it is to have a friend who has feelings you have to constantly be scared of hurting? My best friend learnt the hard way that even though on drunken occasions, these straight guys would let their guards down only to feel resentful and anxious about it the next day.

 

It's taken him a long time, but your friend has started to realise that this friendship isn't working, as the more and more you spend time with each other, the more and more hopeful you get to it becoming more than just friendship. It's time for no contact, at least until he contacts you. Leave him alone and prove to him you're not just sticking around because you hope he will come out one day. Even if he is gay, you are putting a lot of pressure on him to come out. What is more important to you? Keeping a very good friend, or losing someone because you clung on too hard? Boundaries need to be re established and you need to get over him. How do you expect your future relationships to work when you have a friendship with someone that includes cuddling and sleeping in the same bed together. The more you hold onto this, the harder he will push you away. You're at great risk of losing him for good.

[Lguy]

I am in the same situation kind of you just have to take things day by day. Every situation is different, but you never know what can happen it honestly is a horrible situation that sucks. I am learning a lot about myself through it all. Even if things do not work out you have to look on the bright side of things im sure he cares about you very much.

[bevans3]

Yeah it really does suck!

 

We're back to talking again, but it's definitely not like before. There's this girl he's interested in and who seems to be interested in him too (from what he tells me) and they spend a lot of time together. I'm supportive and tell him I'd be happy for him if they started dating and just set my emotions on the backburner. I did tell him I had my reservations about this girl ONLY because she hung out with him like this before and then randomly got into a relationship which took him off guard. She also spent a lot of time like this with his other friend and until he made a move on her a few weeks ago, she stopped hanging out with him and is now spending lots of time with my friend. She just seems like and opportunist but whatever I just told him I don't want him getting hurt again like he was before over her.

 

Seeing him text her next to me in class hurts like hell but I don't ever show it. I don't press him to talk to me about her but he makes it known when she texts him and that they're spending time together. It sucks because the way he talks with her (content wise as well as frequency) is the way he and I talked over the summer, and those days seem to be over because now he only has time to text me a few words. Perhaps I screwed up for good but who knows, I'll just continue being supportive, friendly and not to put pressure on him.

[Lguy]

Yeah thats all you can do. Our situations are very similar but in my case we haven't done anything physical. All you can do is hope for the best man. Good Luck

[bevans3]

Okay we had a HUGE fight on Saturday night when we went to a party together.

 

The party was at my friends house. It was pretty awesome but got a little crazy. He dressed as Edward Cullen (gay and we drank a LOT and at one point after we taking a picture together we went into a bedroom and I pushed him down on the bed and we started like playful wrestling. My face got pretty close to his and he laughed and said what are you doing? So I got off of him and looked down at him to see if he was upset. He was just smiling so I went back down and started tickling him and kissing his face. He sat up a little after that and and noticed a sound system so he started playing with it while I held onto him. Finally the owner of the room didn't appreciate that we were in there so we got kicked out.

 

When we left we were on a mission to find a girl to have a 3some with (drunk as hell) and he said he would let me **** his ass. I just took that as joking but meh. So we hit up the town and I got into this bar but apparently he got into a fight with one of the bouncers there and he wasn't let in. He texted me that information from outside and I immediately went back out and couldn't find him. I tried texting him asking where he was and he only responded "idk". Then I called him a few times (he was my ride in the first place and I didn't want to lose track of him) and finally when he picked up I heard a bunch of partying in the background and he didn't talk to me. Instead I heard someone shout in the background "hang up the phone!" So he did. I was LIVID. He left me there and dropped my id in the middle of the street where just any old person could pick it up. In fact some random person did and I wouldn't have noticed if they didn't say who's this?

 

So I was pretty pissed. Eventhough I ran into a bunch of my friends there I was pissed that he'd disrespect me like that. I started texting him terrible things. He went to a party where that girl he's talking to was at and I said stuff about her. He got pissed and really defensive. I even went as far as messaging the girl and telling her how much of a closet gay he was and everything we've done. Itold her how ugly she was (I said she looked like a chihuahua) and just really went off on her. I wanted to fight him so badly and we were actually planning to.

 

Obviously I don't need to hear that my actions were deplorable, he didn't deserve that and neither did she. But the next day he claimed to not remember ANY of it. I texted him and said I didn't want to fight him and he was so confused like what was I talking about. After I told him what happened he said he didn't remember any of that happening but it sounds terrible and he was sorry for ditching me.

 

I told him that I messaged the girl too but I think he already knew. He said that everything was fine, she was upset and that I should apologize which I did. He said if anything I just brought them closer together. And he sent me a pic that we took together during that conversation and said he thought I'd enjoy it.

 

He's a good guy and I can't believe he still talks to me. I guess I really have just been trying to push him away but for some reason he's still here. I learned a lot from this past weekend. I never want to be that angry person I was ever again. I crossed a major line and last time I was like that was in high school. He just makes me feel so insecure and idk how to get over that. Anyway thanks for bearing through my rant!

[lizzie2011]

Its like you can't help yourself. If you don't back off from this guy for awhile you are going to get really hurt. To be honest, I'm skeptical about this guy and these short term memory losses. Furthermore, you are not okay with him dating this girl and I don't see why you should pretend to be. While I wouldn't take the handjob, cuddling or come ons as a declaration of his undying love for you I think he's messing with you. He knows how you feel about him and he still dangles the metaphorical carrot in front of you only to pull it away as you get closer. I don't applaud your behaviour after he basically dropped you that night but this isn't one of those cases where you are leading yourself on without assistance. As one poster said, he may be bi, or bi-curious. He's teasing you then dropping you.

[bevans3]

Thanks Lizzie and you are totally correct. I can't help myself. And I'm already extremely hurt. Since I met him, I basically fell for him off the bat. I haven't been able to date another person or even have casual encounters because all I would do is think about him. I was convinced he was gay from the start because I never actually asked him but the way we just exchanged glances in class and smiled before we even started talking. And how the first day we did start talking I invited him out to a drag show at a gay bar and he was definitely happy to come along/even pick me up. We still do exchange glances and smile to this day if we don't happen to not sit next to each other (which we do 98% of the time... the other 2% is if either of us are late.) After I saw it on his facebook and the way he acted like an idiot in front of certain people it was just all too apparent that he wants to just identify as straight. So yes it hurts me deeply to see him text this girl and when he brings her name up in every other sentence without prompting. It's like a stab to my heart everytime I hear it and I feel sick to my stomach and have to prevent tears from flowing out of my eyes.

 

Actually I think if he and this girl became official, it would be 10 times easier to detach but for some reason he's not making a move and she's not making a move on him. When/if they start dating, I will be able to back off because there's no point and I'm not the type of person to come between someone else's relationship (eventhough that wasn't all too apparent on Saturday night). But you're right. He's just been toying with me. I should have realized that ages ago. When he got on his computer one day and wanted to show me an "awesome" picture, it was a picture of his butt in his ex girlfriends jeans and of course it looked amazing (he has a complete bubble butt) but I had never even mentioned what I thought about him physically before that! Also everytime he has a guitar in his hands, he happens to play the song that he knows drives me crazy because my ex played it for me one morning to wake me up and ever since then whenever I hear "Banana Pancake" by Jack Johnson I just melt. I told him this story and ever since I did, he plays that FREAKING song any chance he gets. Good lord as I'm typing this right now I'm getting pissed off just thinking about how stupid I've been to let him torment me like this. His little bouts of short-term memory loss do happen to be quite convenient don't they?

 

I'm going to keep everything just completely professional. Whatever friendship we have going on is absurd and unhealthy, and everyone around us sees it. Now I'm really starting to as well. I want to be back to the person I was before I even knew of his existence. I miss that guy.

[bevans3]

Ok well he and that girl are official now!

 

While it does hurt a bit, I feel better. I was actually able to cry for the first time and let out all these emotions that have been building up.

 

He still messes with me though. When he told me about them becoming official, I said how happy I was for him. His response was no, you're really not. You still love me. He said it with like a sneer and it really put me off and pissed me off. It's like when can enough be enough? So instead of acting out I just told him no I really am happy for you guys and smiled.

 

I'm moving on and it feels good. I don't deserve to be toyed with like that and neither does anyone else! So there's the update.