staying 'friends' with your ex?

[puremotion]

it's been about 4.5 months now since my boyfriend and I broke up. We dated for about 1 year and broke up on good terms. before we started going out, we were very close friends. in fact, a fear of mines was that our friendship would be ruined if things didn't work out. Well, it's definitely changed now since we ended our relationship and I guess initially I was hoping it wouldn't. We both really value the friendship that we developed and don't want to lose that. However, we barely talk to each other now and when we do it's just through brief emails. I've called him up once to see how he's doing, catch up on life, talked over coffee, etc.. since the break up and of course, things were kinda awkward but at the same time, i felt happier cuz I still enjoy his company, connection and friendship. I really do miss him and realize that I still have feelings for him but I don't want to get back together with him at this time. (I guess you can say that 'timing' hasn't been in our favor?) i feel sad when there is so much distance between us and I see how our friendship has taken a dive. On his end, he rarely initiates contact with me but doesn't ignore me either... but I know he does care about me still and wants my friendship. At first, I thought about just distancing myself from him for now until my feelings for him fade ...but then at the same time, I don't want us to drift apart either. If we were really "true" friends, we'd find an effort to stay in touch? I'm so confused on what to do. I really miss him and am sad that I lost a dear friend. we also have some common friends so I hear about him through them sometimes...also, does it take a new boyfriend to come along to really get over your ex?

[sprkal]

Hey Puremotion

I know how you feel. At the beginning of this year I ended a 7.5 month relationship with a guy who had been a very close friend throughout highschool. He's a great guy, but it just wasnt working out with us as a couple anymore. He was pretty cut up about the whole thing and though I tried to keep in contact and hang out or chat with him every now and then, it just wasnt working out for him - I think it was making him want to get back together with me even more. At first I was sad at losing the friendship but I suppose sometimes we have to realise that not all friendships last forever, especially when a breakup is involved. There will be a lot of baggage between the two of you, and though you may think you can work through it, it might take a long time for you both to actually get past it all and form a constructive friendship at the other side. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I think you need to ask youself whether you two are really meant to be friends for ever, or if this is it.

 

Just remember one thing, you can't ever expect anything to be the same between you ever again.

[elveden]

I must say I mildly disagree with the last post. I feel that a relationship really never worked if you can't remain friends after. It's terrible when friends breakup over a relationship - no matter how long. And thereforeeee it's really up to stay friends. Keep in touch, occasionally go out together as friends, and don't dwell on the past!

 

Don't lose a friend like that - because it sucks, I should know..

[Rysen]

Heya,

 

I was in a similar situation with my ex...we were great friends before, and during our relationship. We both always feared that if something were to ever happen that our friendship would be ruined. So, when she ended it last spring, we both knew we wanted to be friends. Unfortunately, it was incredibly difficult on both of us. Well, I'm not sure how difficult it was on her, but I found it pretty harsh as I didn't want the break up, and all the while I constantly hoped for her to change her mind. I think that is why I tried to be her friend and still did really nice things for her. I guess I was trying to prove to her that I'm a really great guy, and that she should take me back.

 

In any event, it hurt me every time I saw her. We'd hang out, have a great time, and I'd go home and cry...and I just started wondering if it was worth it any more.

 

So, the day she left for University I told her I couldn't be her friend yet, that it still hurt me too much. I think that this is exactly what we needed. I'm not sure if it's the same for all people, but definitely in a lot of situations there needs to be a grace period where there is no contact, and each person can go and clear their head. My hope, and the words I told her that last time we spoke, is that, after enough time has passed, we could come together and start anew with a clean slate. People often change, so who's to say if she'll be even close to the same person the next time I talk to her?

 

Sorry, for the long reply, I tend to be over-zealous in my writing. I guess my actual point is...as sprkal said you can't expect things to ever be the same between you two, but I honestly believe that you can build something new when enough time has passed, and you two feel you both are ready. That something new could be a great friendship, or a new relationship, you can never really tell. No, it'll never be the same as before but that doesn't mean that it can't be good again.

 

As for your question, do you have to meet someone new in order to truly get over your ex...well I've often wondered that myself, and am still asking that question. I am kind of seeing someone new (but that's a whole different post it definitely no longer hurts as much, and every day that passes it gets better all the time, but I still think about her often enough that I still feel down from time to time. I'm not sure that it is the only solution to moving on, but I know it definitely helps.

 

You're in a difficult situation here, and I can completely relate, I just know that for me the idea of a friendship with my ex isn't possible at this time. I'm just not ready, but I am confident that some day, if our paths were to cross again, that we could be great friends again. That time just isn't now.

 

I wish you all the best.

Cheers,

-Rysen

[chai714]

Things will naturally be akward at first in terms of relations with your ex. But what happens in life when you encounter any new situation? Things are akward at first, but the more you are exposed to the situation, the less akward it becomes. thereforeeee, what i'm saying is that the more you talk to him/hang out, the less akward it will become. Don't be hesitant to contact him if you want to keep this friendship, but don't be the only person keeping this friendship afloat.