From My Past - Sucicide Letter

[Dinocaz]

Reading through another forum I used to frequent I found a message I had left when my break up had happened. I have not read the below in a long while. It makes for painfull reading for me ... that truly was the darkest hour in deepest pit. I am not longer in such a place thank God! But sharing here so that maybe others can see that even when it seems there is nothing left that there is a way back.

======= Written at some point Early Feb 2012 ==========

 

2 days ago my wife packed her bags and with lightining speed moved to a new flat. Our final breakdown began early November when she reminded me again of what a looser I was (am)

it was horrific. I was speechless, unable to react. Unable to come to terms with what was happening.

 

We had an xmass as a family (our last) it was painfull sad, full of regret full of anger. Full of nothing.

 

Suddenly I find myself without a home, without a wife, without my kids. Skid row.

 

This last saturday I took a stack of tablets. This was not a cry for help. I have read everything on sucidie. This was me finally wanting to check out. Finally wanting the pain to end. I wanted darkness.

I remember feeling drowsy, sleepy, somwhat sick. I was elated death was on its way. I spared a moment for my son Simon O. whom i love more than life itself. But it was enough. I blacked out.

 

4am or so i awake, im vomiting, I can feel my bedsheets full of feces. Laid there in the dark of my parents house covered in sh....it p....iss and my own vomit. I sumbled to the bathroom and vomited again. In the back of my throat I could taste the bitterness of the medication I had induced. Back to the bed. Head spinning, needed to vomit again - this time I did not make it to the bathroom. Damnation I can not even end my own life!!!!

 

I wanted death that night. I wanted a way out. The final throw of the dice, all on zero.

 

When I finally awoke I had cramps in my stomoch. Dihoreaa. My head spun and spun.

 

Some of the tablets were laxtose some not. I had also drank a litre of whiskey, some beers

and a few glasses of wine. Was that not enough ? Which fu...c.....ki.ng Gods are playing with me now.

 

I spent sunday in a sick sorrowfull mood. I felt like death, but was not dead. My parents knew nothing

they are old, my mum is sick my dad struggles.

 

Monday comes and goes, an hour seems like a year. I drink more, vodka - i have a full bottle

as I have money from Income support (im deemed unfit for work) ....

 

Tuesday today , vodka, wine, and some whiskey. Im angry I did not end it at the weekend.

Im angry it hurts... Im angry that NO ONE CAN HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Im heartbroken that my children and my wife finally left me. I miss her. I want out.

I will get out.

 

My own mind is made up. I used a proxie to post this ... no roll call no last orders just a farewell

that I hope others someday will heed. Tonight is my night.

 

Bye Gxxxxxxx I did love you.

[Dinocaz]

At some point that night the police smashed my door down (cost me £880 to replace which im still paying) somone from the place I had posted the above managed somehow to do a trace and get a message out. The hangover was legend and horrific. But after that point - I never went back to that place. And that is the moment my healing began.

[stickman]

For some this might be sad and difficult reading. and I am sorry to hear that you were in such dispair. I too have been in a bad place over a woman breaking up with me. and many others have either gone through this kind of pain or are JUST NOW going through this feeling and pain like you did.

 

BUT...

 

It goes to show you that things can and will get better. So much time has passed since I was in deep depression that I can look back with TOTAL clarity on just how far I have moved forward and how I learned so very much about myself and others by going through it. It was the best thing for me because no matter how horrible it was, I grew from it.

 

God had a plan for me. I am now so much better off because I was forced to confront myself and how I had to pick myself up and learn to make myself happy.

 

I hope things are better for you.

 

 

I hope others understand that they are NOT ALONE...and that they can get through the hard challenges.

[iamkaylee]

Thank you to the wonderful, kind person that traced the message back to you and the police who came and broke down the door.

 

Thank you Dinocaz for posting that message. Both of them ;-)

 

Thank you God for blessing this man and his loved ones with his new chance at life.

[Ang33]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure many others here will find this inspiring. As for me I am a firearms advocate. When my ex BU with me I immediately locked away all my guns and gave them to my parents until I was emotionally stable. I suggest other firearm enthusiasts here do the same. Life is the most precious gift that we are given and every second is worth living no matter how much pain we are in.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Dino, you are a champion. This post is sad and dark. But it's also honest, and so many find them selves in the same dark place. It's a testament to how a person CAN make it through intense heartbreak. I personally prayed for death every day for quite some time. But finally the clouds have given way to light and I no longer want to sacrifice myself for someone that doesn't care.

[markie6]

Yeah I sent a postcard from the edge when I was in my early 20's , only becuase I didn't want my mum to be wondering why.... I still have it somewhere, now is not the time to be re-reading it though. The scars you cannot see are the ones hardest to heal. Knowing I have been through bad stuff prepares you when it happens again, but that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, when realisation kicks in... weighs a ton

 

good for you Dino, far too often people who mention the S word are made to feel melodramatic but those who have been to the edge and back.... know the score

[Limiya]

Wow Dino, that's a moving post. I had tears in my eyes reading this.

I am so glad you're no longer in this place. I hope you NEVER EVER revisit it!! You were lost in the dark and couldn't see your way out. Now you're in the light again with many doors to open.

Thanks for posting this.

I'm glad i have not reached any stage as dark as that, however if i thought i was even coming close, i would post here and see a Dr.

She was your wife, and your kids were gone. I can't imagine anything so painful.

 

Onwards and upwards right Dino???

Limiya

[secondchance67]

They say adversity introduces a man to himself.

 

To say that you have literally come back from the depths of hell is an understatement....your personal journey thru the darkness is a stark reminder of how deep one's pain and suffering can go, and the lengths a person can go to in the hopes of making it all stop.....for ending the pain is consuming and seemingly the only way out.

 

Thank you for posting this; I have never gotten that low, but "checking out" has run thru all of our minds at the lowest of lows - whether it be the finality of death or just an escape to "nowhereville" where we can be anonymous and start our lives over.

 

The man you were then shys in comparison to the man you are now Dino, your inner strength and resolve to rise above it all shines thru in your posts and threads.....you are past the worst of it, and the future lies ahead and its yours for the taking.

 

Stay the course, stay strong, and stay connected with your son,

 

~SC67

[mg22]

Dino iam so happy your past that dark time in your life ! look where you are now, your a stronger person. The pain you felt then has turned you into a stronger man today. They say sometimes we need to go thru hell to make us realize life has so many new opportunities ! I also felt like ending my life , and today i look back and realize iam strong and in such a better place. I never believed anyone who told me time heals , boy was i ever wrong. Take care and keep moving forward !

[BlueRose66]

I am so glad you made it through! How are you doing now?

 

I am not on here as much, but remember you responded to one of my threads and I really appreciated it.

 

Wishing you as much happiness and peace as the despair you once felt.

 

Shine on~