Is it that easy to move on?

[Ubiquity]

I broke up with my ex about 5 months ago. I thought it what was best for me at the time. We had been together for two years and after a while, we hit a rut. When I broke up with him, he said 'I'll never find anyone else. You're the only one I've loved this much' 'I was going to propose to you this summer' and later, 'I've been talking to other girls, but they just don't make me feel like you do'. He talked me into considering it a 'break' and i would think about whether I wanted be with him again or not. I told him I wanted to wait until the end of summer for that, but he said he couldn't wait that long. He visited me occasionally at work for the next few weeks asking about whether I've thought about getting back together. Then, we stopped talking altogether. I told him I couldn't be friends with him since I could only see him as someone I loved. I find two months later that he got another girlfriend a month after we broke up. It was a girl he was dating when we first met and who he had apparently been talking to when him and I were having rough times. I remember before I knew this, I would try texting him, but he would brush me off. He would show a little interest, though, saying things like 'I thought you didn't want to get back together? You didn't seem like it.' (this was when he was already in another relationship). A few months later, when I got hit with slight depression and was greatly missing him, I tried to reach out to him on facebook, but he never responded. He read both messages, though. In case it matters, I also went through a relationship during this period of time. It started when I thought I still made the right decision and ended during the time I regretted it. Either way, I feel a break would have been necessary for us. But, he moved on too fast for me to realize all of this.

 

Anyway, my question is, is it really that easy to move on in a month, if you've loved somebody so much? I mean, he was even ready to propose... I know, personally, that anyone I have ever loved and will ever love will stay with me forever, but I get the feeling that he's moved on completely, and in such a short period of time. What are your thoughts on this?

[delicous]

After reading this, I am proud of u for not taking him back right away....But what was the reason for the split, need a little more info..... I'd say, don't contact him and let a few days pass and a few more and if he doesn't contact you within 3 wks, let him go....Believe me, he doesn't love this chick, shes his rebound from you.... He is very dependent on being in a relationship which is why hes with her......Don't let it get to you too much, do something good for you, hair, nails....shopping LOL...Cheer up, life has just begun!

 

Whatever you do, don't beg...it repulses them more than anything, believe me.......when I say, guys hate needy girls. One thing I would like to mention and encourage for you to do if you still have any hope of being back together with him is to be nice, but firm.....He will come back again, I can hear the phone ringing very soon.......

[Ubiquity]

We had broken up two other times, previously. First because I found out he was flirting with another girl during a 'rough time' and second was probably my fault, to be honest, though I don't remember. Anyway, after the second break up, I felt like something was missing. I just didn't feel the same way about him, any more. All we would do is sit at his house and I'd watch him play video games. I got bored, and I forgot about what I loved about him. I mean, that may seem like a deal breaker to some, but right now, I'd be fine with just sitting there, because I loved him for different reasons. Our sex life was also at a stand still because I just never felt like it anymore. I wanted to do other things, like go out. We didn't have much time to hang out. We went to different colleges and in the summer, our work schedules conflicted. Anyway, yeah, I wasn't feeling it at the time.

And, I mean, it's already been almost 6 months and our last mutual conversation was about 4/5 months ago. I feel like time won't solve my problems. Then again, I am posting these things here in hopes of someone changing my mind. He is very emotionally dependent/needy. He wouldn't be happy alone. I also wouldn't be surprised, however, if he stayed with her and asked her to marry him after a year or less. I feel kind of..hurt...that he said all these things and they meant nothing. Because I believed it. And almost still do.

Thanks for your advice. : ) I do think going out and doing things would help me feel better.

[DN]

First - don't assume that because he is with someone else he had no feelings for you. After all, you saw someone as well and that could easily have turned serious.

 

Second; never, ever break up with someone unless you really mean it and are absolutely sure that is what you want.

[Ubiquity]

DN, I was sure at the time. Very sure. By now, I've forgotten all the reasons I broke up with him and just remember the feelings I had with him. And, after experiencing emotions with another person, I realize what I felt with him was something special. He was my first love and my first serious relationship, so I didn't, and still don't, have a lot of experience or foresight in areas like that.

 

As for the first, I realize. I just feel better thinking he doesn't so that I have an answer rather than wondering. The difference between him and I is that I tried to reach out to him and he did not respond or take that chance. It almost solidifies my thought that he doesn't have feelings for me, anymore. If he did, why not act on it? He knows I still like him but he's still moving forward. Though, if you can give me reasons why my thinking is flawed and he might still have feelings, that would be appreciated. It's pathetic, but I'm not ready to give up, yet. Also, with my most recent ex, I realized I can't love anyone else until I get the other guy off my mind. I have depersonalization, which means I also lack in emotions, etc, and my ex-ex is the only person who has made me feel so alive. My recent ex, I felt the potential, but my emotions were shut off. I could have loved him, but I just couldn't feel.

[DN]

Sometimes people just won't take the chance of being hurt by the same person twice.

[Ubiquity]

That may be true. Though, if that's the case, I must not have been important enough for him to take that chance.

I appreciate your input.

[markie6]

Some people do seem to move on fast , when they are just masking it , hiding their emotions away.

 

Some move on fast , because they weren't that emotionally invested in the rs.

 

When it comes to second chances , if somebody really hurt you , you have been made to suffer, it's really hard to not think of all the pain you wen't through ,the risks of that happening again are more the 2nd time , because the person has proved they can do it to you the 1st time , when you didn't believe they would. Now you know they could... and it's a huge risk, this second chance ... because you know it would be easier to do it to you again because they have had practice.

 

There is no pain like the pain of getting done by the same person a second time , because even though you had ample opportunity to learn the painful lesson , you still feel twice as bad for wasting more time on somebody who wasn't worth the risk. That doesn't mean I don't believe in second chances , it means I make sure I know the risks

[PJK]

I know with me, once a relationship is finished, I close the book on it forever.

 

You had your chance and you broke up with him...there was nothing left for him to do but get over it.

[DN]

That may be true. Though, if that's the case, I must not have been important enough for him to take that chance.

I appreciate your input.

With respect, that's like saying "I am special and therefore need to be treated differently from other people".

 

Look at this from his point of view - if he was important to you, you would not have broken up with him in the first place.

[fionaapple]

Ok, I think you're forgetting some very major and important things. The reasons you broke up in the first place. Breaking up is never easy, even when you have 100 reasons to do it there is always a point in time (at least for me and my girlfriends) where you question yourself and second guess that decision. This is heightened when you see your ex moving on and even more so when you put yourself out there and try a new relationship and that doesn't work. I personally have found, in the past, that if I start a new relationship with someone BEFORE I am completely over my ex and accepted with the separation, if that new relationship hits a rough patch or ends I am not only sad about that but I am heartbroken over the loss of the first relationship all over again.

 

This takes time and effort by you. You may want to go see someone like a counsellor, like I did. There I was able to work through what I was feeling, talk about my ex to someone who didn't know him or me. I could be honest and tell her all the terrible things I did, he did, we both put up with and the great times that I missed. She helped me see that it is ok to feel sad and miss someone. I may miss him forever, but I accept that that particular relationship was not right. I was not my best self, and he was also not being his best self with me.

 

There is something very freeing about going through a break up and at the end of it all, however upsetting the loss of love is, you can wish your past partners well and believe that there will be something great for you around the corner.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Ubiquity]

I appreciate all the comments.

 

I think I agree with your view on this, fionaapple. It makes a lot of sense to me. I actually just tried to briefly cheer up my ex's girlfriend, the first time I've talked to her, really, and I feel a lot better. We didn't say much, but I can tell she's really nice. I couldn't respect her before, but now I do. I feel less upset about him and the break up, at least right now, and am happy that he has found someone who is genuinely nice and will make him happy. I'm starting to feel okay with moving on and finding something new for myself. They're both great people, so I can't really hate the situation or wish them anything bad. I really hope I can keep this mindset.

 

Once again, thank you all for your insight. I have read them all and taken something from each of them.

[Sukiyaki]

I'm agreeing w/this post. It's rather hard moving on from someone you've been invested in for two years. Even when people think they've moved on, there's always something that tell them that they haven't... I'm still trying to figure out how can one NOT be invested emotionally in a relationship of 2 years....

[markie6]

I'm still trying to figure out how can one NOT be invested emotionally in a relationship of 2 years....

 

Because you put in your emotions .... doesn't mean you put in equal amounts ... this is the sad truth... there are people out there in rs right now .... just because they have nothing better to do. When we start to understand how little we actualy meant to our SO .. we start to move on quicker. It ends up being viewed as a big fat juicy lie we were living... it's these hurtful truths that can make the process easier, but you have to accept all these on you own. Nobody can accept them for you... you learn the hard lessons the hard way, not by watching other people ... but by going through it.

[DN]

Usually when people exit a relationship the process has been going on within them for some time and by the time they pull the plug they are already pretty much disengaged emotionally. That does not necessarily mean that their love was not strong at one point or that the relationship was not important to them.

[kittykitty]

Because you put in your emotions .... doesn't mean you put in equal amounts ... this is the sad truth... there are people out there in rs right now .... just because they have nothing better to do. When we start to understand how little we actualy meant to our SO .. we start to move on quicker. It ends up being viewed as a big fat juicy lie we were living... it's these hurtful truths that can make the process easier, but you have to accept all these on you own. Nobody can accept them for you... you learn the hard lessons the hard way, not by watching other people ... but by going through it.

 

Agree. Previously, I wouldn't have believed that someone could be in a relationship but not really emotionally invested, until I went through it myself. And you are right. It felt like a big fat juicy lie that was being lived.