Relapse

[OverYou]

I could feel this coming, I haven't been myself for two days now, I knew it was because of her and today it came to a head again. Although my username says otherwise, I'm not over her and the way I feel today I'm not sure I want to be. I know she is hurting too but we simply can't be together right now.

 

As I mentioned I could feel it coming, yesterday I began to really reminisce starting with waking up and imagining her being there like she was so many times, climbing on top of me to kiss me, talk about our day and make plans for later, both complaining about having to leave for work. As the days have gone on further memories I must have surpressed have come back to life, our little trips, shopping together, standing there kissing in the street, just simply walking round holding hands, watching outdoor showings of movies during the summer...man everything come flooding in to my mind. One particular one stood out as hurting the most and that was when I spent a week away, on the friday I drove to back to her place for 4 hours non stop, I floored it, I wasn't stopping for anything and I reached her at midnight. She was waiting on the steps to her apartment and she ran to me. It was so powerful and that weekend we were both free to do whatever we liked, we were so happy and I sincerely hope she holds these memories too...I really do. For the past few days she has gone back to being the last and first thing I think of.

 

I'm hurting big time today, I know there's nothing I can do but it doesn't make it any easier. I will not break NC purely because I don't want to damage anything, I know if I chase her it could ruin our future and thats too important for me to even consider, the thought of contacting her actualy scares me for fear of damaging any image of me in her mind. I will wait for her to contact me, her best friend said she would eventually. I'm alone in another country, everyone I love is 4 thousand miles away and it's tough today, I just want to go home, see my family, my dog, refresh myself and try not to think about the plans we made together. I was due to go back to her home state to spend thanksgiving wither her family, I'm almost sure that wont be happening now.

 

I've posted strong thoughts to others on here but the truth is I'd surpressed my feelings, I know whats right and what I must do but I'm deeply hurting, this is taking every single ounce of mental strength I have and I'm starting to become exausted.

 

I sincerely hope she see's one day.