Girlfriend is confused...

[pyxis]

Well I'm not sure I'm posting this in the correct forum. I'm also not really good at talking about this kind of stuff except for my girlfriend...so I apologize if I'm not clear enough in my post.

 

I'm 23 years old and my girlfriend will turn 21 in December. We've been going out for 2 years and were really good friends for a year before we started going out. It has been a great 2 years...we both love each other alot. We almost never get into arguments; we've had only two semi-major arguments but have worked through our problems fairly quickly. We spend alot of time together and never grow tired of being with each other. She is just the nicest girl I've known and I know that she loves me alot. I also love her alot and would never do anything to hurt her. If we ever broke up for reasons other than cheating etc. we would most definitely be great friends again.

 

This was the first serious relationship for both of us and we were also each other's first in other respects

 

 

Well a couple of days ago she said we needed to talk. She told me that she is very confused at the moment. She said that she needs to know for sure that I'm the right person for her. She says that she is pretty sure but has to know for sure. I asked what she was looking for and she said she does not know. It's just a very confusing time for her. At first she said maybe we needed a break from each other for a while. She thought it through for about a day and decided that she'd like to stay together while she figures this out.

 

She did say though that she would like the oppurtunity to talk to other guys. Not just every guy out there but if she finds someone interesting. She also said that doesn't mean having sex with another; and I believe her about that. She did say that she has no one in mind or even plans to...and that she might not even have to.

 

I know for a fact that she would never do anything to hurt me and she's not saying this because she is cheating or anything. I guess she is confused because she is young and I've been the only person she's been with. She said that it might take her a week to figure things out or it might even take weeks or months.

 

I told her that I can't say it'll be ok to talk with other guys and that it'll hurt me because I would never do anything like that to her. But I do want her to figure things out. I don't want her to be with me if she has any doubts. She said that she wouldn't do it if I didn't want her to.

 

I really don't have any specific questions. I guess I'm just looking for opinions here. Any questions I can ask her to figure this out? I honestly think that we will eventually end up getting married and that we are right for each other.

 

Again sorry for the confusing post...it's just that I'm late for something and had to type this up fast.

 

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[tiger_lilies]

I think that your girlfriend is going through the classic signs of growing up. You both are young and have so many years ahead of you. Staying with your first relationship can make you wonder if there are other better suited people out there. That's why your g/f is confused.

 

She knows that she loves you, but she is questioning whether or not you are the "one" for her. How will she ever know if she doesn't experiment with new people?

 

Too many people get married too young and they end up in divorce because of many different reasons, one of them being infidelity. Mainly, I think, because they feel they are missing out on " who else is out there".

 

Your g/f is being honest with you. She's talking to you about how she feels. I'm sure that she doesn't want to intentionally hurt you, but if she's feeling uncertain with where you guys are now in your relationship, then I want to warn you to prepare yourself. She may want a break to "get to know herself".

 

We all go through this stage in our twenties. Just be there for her as her friend first, not her boyfirend. Just my two cents!

[RayKay]

Hi pyxis, and welcome to the forums

 

I really felt for you in your post (you write and communicate your feelings very well by the way, fairly rare these days).

 

I think you have a good insight on what is going on here, she is young and confused, and unfortunately most girls go through these stages in their early 20's..while most men seem to go through them in their mid 20's.

 

It is probably very confusing for you if your relationship is like you said it is - because obviously you love one another a great deal. Now, if you are certain she is the one, you are going to have to prepare yourself for a bit of work here ahead, without letting her know. You are going to have to be the man she fell madly in love with, to seduce her (I don't mean physically, but emotionally even more so) and there are ways to do that, but you have to really first figure out her emotional needs, fulfill them, but remain independent and aloof so she is not so sure you will wait for her to figure things out.

 

You are fortunate in that you have the chance to do this before you break up - many people's partners just all of a sudden leave for these reasons...so use it to your advantage.

 

It may still turn out you both do need to break, as this is unfortunately often something that happens when you are young and still growing up and learning about who you are as individuals. I hope not, but it is possible - so make sure you are creating a life for yourself too outside of her. DON'T make the mistake of getting too clingy or smothering her with affection ALL the time - I know it seems like the way to win her over, but she might feel more trapped.

 

As for her talking to other guys - do you know on what level she wants to do this? The problem is many people can seem amazing first time you meet them and get some feelings going! Maybe what she needs more than anything is to create a life outside you - and you need the same. When people get too intertwined with one another they get dependent and feel somewhat trapped - having separate lives as well as one together truly benefits the relationship. I think you should both be trying to meet other FRIENDS, not talking to people to "figure things out" in terms of how you feel about the other.

 

I do feel for you, and hope the best for you and your girlfriend - you both deserve happiness, and I really hope you can have it together.

[pyxis]

Thanks for the replies. I'm really trying to be supportive to her even though its hurting me inside. I'm trying to help her through this although I realize that I probably won't be able to help much. It's something she has to figure out by herself. I really don't think she'll want to take a break...she says it'll devastate her. And I know this is selfish but I'm in law school right now and a break apart from her would be devastating to me personally and it'll affect how I do in school. But I'm not using that as leverage or anything...but she realizes that on her own.

 

And about the talking to guys...when I asked her about that, she said she's not even sure if that's what she wants. She said maybe just dancing at clubs or going out to a movie, nothing too serious. She said that she'd tell me if she ever will do anything like that. And like I said before, she said that because she has the option she won't necessarily use it. Just knowing that she is free to do so is the big thing. Actually I was just talking to her and she said just having the option and not want to talk to other guys would be huge in helping her decide I'm the right person for her.

 

About the life outside of us...I've always given her space knowing that she was younger than I am. She likes to go out with her friends and party once a week to and it's no problem for me.

 

In the end I just want to try to help her realize that we are great together without pressuring her too much. I want her to make her decision because she feels its right.

 

I'm guess I'm done babbling about this. It's just hard being supportive and knowing that I'm hurting myself. The situation just is what is is...and I suppose in the end it'll work itself out.

[Lily04]

Hi,

 

To be honest, I'm feeling exactly like your girlfriend is feeling now with my boyfriend. He's also 23, starting graduate school though & I'm in undergrad. This is our first relationship for both of us and is getting quite serious rather quickly. The difference is that it's long-distance, so that also seems to be a greater level of commitment. In any case, even before my boyfriend left I was questioning whether I wanted to do this, but we fell in love so quickly that it would seem illogical to break up just for added experience..but now I'm really thinking that it might be a good thing. I think your gf is feeling confused because she feels that what you have with her is so right, you're perfect for each other; you're respectful, honest, and can understand her (like my bf), but at the same time she's only 21, and this is her first 'real' relationship. I think it's only natural for one to question & I think it's also healthy for individual growth..because by meeting different people you often find out more about yourself.

 

She may also be questioning because her friends/family are starting to wonder about marriage & whether she's too young to get so serious. I know my mom was wondering about that. What may be a possibility for you guys is just to give each other space to date other people for a bit see what develops. I think that's reasonable..basically what you're thinking about doing in any case.

 

Well hope that helped..

 

lily04

[pyxis]

Well we had another talk, and she still wants me to be apart of her life. She doesn't want to take a break. But our relationship is "downgraded" as of now. We are just going to do things like we are just starting to date. She wants to hang out with me still and talk everyday, but now we can see other people.

 

I told her that I could not picture myself with anyone else and since I went through this phase last year, I know she is the one for me. This is still difficult for me but it's better than having her out of my life completely while she figures this out.

 

My first instinct right now is to hang out often with her and try and persuade her but I know she needs room. I'm still very depressed about this though. I just can't concentrate in school right now and am falling behind a bit. Since she is also my best friend I'd usually want to tell her about this. I really don't have anyone to talk to except my girlfriends (well I guess I can't really say that anymore) best friend. I just don't want to burden her right now with my problems when she has soo much to deal with already.

 

I do want to try to persuade her but not in a forceful way. I just can't think of how to do that right now.

[stratguy620]

Wow pyxis you are in literally the exact same situation as I am right now. We took a break over the summer fo the same reson as you, but while we were just friends, we couldn't stand being apart from each other, so she decided that we should just date, so we got the emotional and physical fulfillment, but not the commitment. The thing is, my gf has some pretty big commitment issues. She says she wants me to be the one, but the permanence of being with "the one" really scares her. I told her she can do things with other guys if itll help her clear her mind, but she never does, and comes back to me. Right now, our title is "dating" but we are so ridiculously close and attached to each other that i think it could be called "marriage without marriage". I know that we arent getting anywhere with our currnet situation, and we arent moving our relationship forwards. I dont want to be "just dating" this girl forever. I dont know what to do, so if anyone has any ideas, please help.

[goingout]

How about changing the way you see her. It is important for her to know that she is losing a nice guy that cares about her a lot. I think you should continue to see her, but in a bit different way.

 

1) When she want to hang out with her tell her you are busy. Well, she can not see you whenever she want to..

 

2) Do not call her a lot…but keep the communication going.

 

Keep yourself busy too. Go to a gym, movie…etc

Good Luck

[Cecelius]

I think you've picked a wrong road for yourself, frankly, but your right to do what you want can't be second guessed.

 

To be very frank with you, unless your g/f is very rare person, by the time most college girls get around to telling the b/f that they want to see other people, they've already done some investigation. Maybe she has not, but I assume she is going to use the license you gave her to basically do what she wants. Moreover, young people have a fabulous ability to do things that are not their fault: he made me, he picked me, I was drunk, it didn't mean anything.

 

No matter what else, I think you need to bolt closed the kevlar vest on your heart. You gave it to her and she said okay so long as I get to dictate how and when, and so on. I strongly suggest that you make her understand that sexual exlusivity is now off the table, and then genuinely and honestly go see other women. The more you see, the less important she will be.

 

This is not revenge or doing it to make her jealous. Heck, don't tell her about it. Do it because you cannot sit around pining for a young girl who needs to figure things out. She sounds decent and upstanding and caring. She still basically told you she wants less of you in her life.

[SecondChance]

I gotta agree with TigerLilies on this one, and disagree with Cecelius - although I acknowledge that Cecelius's point is usually the correct one.

 

Both of you are so young, and it's so normal to want to experiment - it IS a classic sign of growing up. Besides, IF you two got married, it's better that she gets this out of her system now, and to be honest, later in life, YOU may regret that you didn't experiment more, Pyxis. I realize you're in law school now, which is stressful, but wait until you get out in the "real" world and meet all these hot women who are impressed by your attorney credentials...

 

The only way to approach this is with the: If you love someone, set them free and if they come back to you, they are yours. Pyxis - if you want to, and if you can stand it, and you think it's worth it - wait it out. Do what Goingout said - be communicative but not 100% available. Because your girlfriend may have fun, but after awhile she may realize how good she had it with you, and if she wants you, she'll be back. You two sound like you have a really good relationship, and she's not going to be able to find that with just anyone. The other option is to give her a time limit. Tell her you'll wait for six months - or whatever.

 

Here's the thing: I have some friends who are in a similar position, but they're older and married. HE married young, didn't experiment, and was a virgin until he married - for religious beliefs. SHE married young, was a virgin, but didn't date when she was younger because she was overweight.

 

SO they've both gone through periods - at different times - when they've been REALLY PISSED that they didn't experiment more. He's pissed that he let his religion "brainwash" him, and she went through weight watchers and lost all this weight and is now pretty good looking, and gets all this attention from men that she never got when she was younger. BUT since they really love each other, they've had to suck it up, and fortunately, they have been faithful to each other (as far as I know) and they have a really great relationship and are able to talk about their feelings with each other.

 

The reason I bring this up, is because a while ago, when she was mildly attracted to this guy at work, and they had this mild flirtation thing going - and they were able to talk about it - my friend, the husband, wise man that he is, actually ENCOURAGED her to "get to know him a little bit more - " ONLY at work, nothing inappropriate, but to just talk to him more and get to know him as a person - because, he reasoned, that the more realistic her perception was of this "fantasy figure," the sooner she would see his imperfections, and then the "attraction" would decrease. I think it worked, too.

 

The point is, is that your girlfriend has a fantasy about what all those guys "out there" might be like. (If and) When they turn out to be frogs, she'll come back to her Prince.

[pyxis]

Well here's a little update. Both of us went out to Canada last night by ourselves, sat down, drank together, and talked about it.

 

First time we went out to a bar in a while just by ourselves. We had a really great time actually.

 

Anyways, we have just scaled back our relationship. We're now officially just "dating." Her friends think she should stop seeing me romantically altogether while she's figuring this out but she want me in her life. But they aren't pushing her either. They respect her decision. We are still best friends also and tell each other everything. And I don't want that to change. We realize we still need each other in our lives. I'm glad about this because right now she is what is helping me get through school. And I'm also helping her get through nursing school so I want to be there for her also.

 

She doesn't know how long it'll take her to figure this out but she does say she is pretty certain that it'll take a couple of months or maybe even sooner. She did say though, that she is almost certain that we will end up together. Now I'm not hinging all my hopes on that...I know she can change her mind but it does make me feel better.

 

I know that she is not doing this because she met someone else or anything. We are pretty open about everything and she would tell me if that was the case. I also know she isn't going to go out and date every guy she meets. She's not that kind of girl. And I know she isn't going to go out and have sex with guys either. I mean it took us six months before we were ready to do so!

 

Basically I told her the hardest thing for me would be if she did decide to date another guy. I can't imagine anyone being close to her like we are. She told me that no one could ever be as close as we were and definitely not worry about having other guys "touch" her.

 

I mean I can't say I'm exactly happy about this...but I suppose this is the best it's going to be for a while. So I'm going to be patient with her and respect her feelings. She doesn't want to resent me later in life for holding her back and I agree with her.

 

I will change some things also though. I'll try not to hang out with her all the time. But I did like our date last night. I'm not a club kinda guy but really had a great time and I know she did. Maybe we got too much into a "routine" so doing these things would help. So I'm going to start taking her on dates just by ourselves and not with all our friends. And when she turns 21 in December, I'll take her to some nice places around here instead of going to Canada all the time Does anyone think weekly dates would be too much?

 

I'll keep on updating if anyone is interested.

 

And I would appreciate any tips/suggestions on things to do to show her I love her...without seeming pushy or anything.

 

All in all, right now I'm not feelin' too great about this...but I'm very optimistic.

[jch4711]

wow, we're in an almost identical situation even the law school part! I was with my ex for a year before I decided to go back to law school 400 miles away. I'm 27 and my ex is 24. For the first year, we managed but as the year went on, the distance plus outside events (family & friends issues) started to wear on her and she started to have doubts about being able to be strong for another 2 years of long distance. She admits that I am everything she wants in a future husband, but she just isn't sure thats what she wants now. She has little doubts and wants to be sure of herself, out of fairness to me as well.

 

She actually brought this up first over the summer because she was hurt that I didn't try to transfer. While she understood I was in a better position staying put, she couldn't help but feel the sting of that decision. I went and visited and was able to patch things up temporarily but her doubts remained. This last time, I decided I was going to giver her all the time and space she needed.

 

We're still good friends, but it took a few weeks for me to be able to control my emotions. In fact, she still confides in me on things like her family which nobody else knows about. A previous poster had mentioned that guys in our situation need to seduce them again and make them realize why they fell in love with us in the first place.

 

In fact, in the past few weeks, we've spoken quite a bit. Usually always initiated by her, but I have started a few. She's had some family, work, and friend issues which she consults with me exclusively about and I just try and be patient and be supportive of her. She's been really complimentry and always says really nice things to me afterwards in appreciation of my help.

 

I think for me, by being there for her and showing her how i've learned and grown from the situation has really helped. Recently, she just left for a 2 week road trip with two of her best friends. I managed to have her brother give her my bday present for her early as a little parting shot before she left.

 

I got her some prints by this one artist she really liked. We saw the artists work on a cruise we went on a year ago, but couldn't afford any of the actual paintings. I found the prints online and ordered her a couple. I'm the only person in the world who knows she likes these paintings. Hopefully, this was a good little parting shot to give her something to think about while on the open road.

 

Actually, her REAL gift will be awaiting when she gets back from the road trip on her actual bday. I managed to get a hold of the artist and asked her to write a few words of encouragement for my ex because of the tough year she's had. She did one better, she wrote a great card which I will send to her. My ex loved cards more than actual presents so even though she may think she got her present already, the real gift awaits her.

 

I hope the combination of time for reflection on her road trip, plus our positive and friendly contacts the past few weeks, along with the double whammy from the artist, will help her with her decision making process. I don't expect it to be a dramatic 180, but hopefully it'll be a start and we can just take it slow from there.

[Cecelius]

Young people are confused, but they have this way of trying to keep one person in hand while they negotiate to see other people.

 

She's doing things really decently, so I give her respect for that.

 

The key to this is that you must go out and find other women and date them. You cannot permit yourself to be put into back-up status or as her option to buy. At some point, she's going to meet someone, he's going to press her physically, and whether she gives in or not, do you want to be back here in a month or so with a story of some guy who was just a friend, but it turns out she got close to him, emotionally, physically or whatever?

 

She has a right to do what she wants. So do you. You are not committed to her, so I say find other women. If it works out and she has been on the up and up, fine.