Not sure what's stoping me

[VIII]

After learning that my wife has been lying to me since the day we said "i do" and has cheated numerous times, I have become rather depressed and angry. A cheating/lying wife is no reason to want to die by any stretch but I seem to have had a dark cloud over my life and situations like these seems to have taken a toll on me. I get to a point where I can do nothing but stare off into space wondering what I did wrong to deserve the bull**** I am forced to endure every day. It also doesn't help that the one person who I can talk to any time I need a "friend" is the person who broke my heart. Other people in my life couldn't care less about what I'm feeling or have to say (which is why I'm posting here... I've got no one else to turn to). In the passed two weeks, I've learned that my wife has been lying and cheating since before we got married, my art has been rejected from two different art galleries with no explanation why and I'm so stressed that my daughter's usually funny toddler antics have caused me to have break downs because my stress is so high and my patience is so short.

 

I wake up every day wishing I was someone else, somewhere else. I keep telling myself that one day things will be better. One day, I'll make it as an artist. One Day I'll be wit a woman who appreciates me. One day I wont be too stressed and depressed to be a good father. That day seems to get farther and farther away as things continue to pile up on me. I can't say that I'm any stranger to being alone. Any time I went to my parents they would tell me to "talk to god" about whatever I was struggling with and then walk away. You'd think that I'd have developed a coping mechanism by now. Over the past three years, I've seen 10+ different counselors about issues like not being able to see my son because my ex got mad when I said we needed to break up and called the police and told them I beat her (while I'm sitting at my computer on the other side of the city). Some how I still get arrested and convicted. My wife's family told me they had more respect for their dog than me and her mother called the police to say that I pointed a gun at her (while holding my daughter in one arm and a diaper bag in the other) The police were able to see passed her lie but the fact that she and the rest of my wife's family would go that far amazes me. My wife hasn't spoken to them since. I've been nothing but good to my wife and they know it. Even she knows it and is currently beating herself up over ruining our marriage but none of the counselors seem to be able to help me get past issues like these. none can tell me any more than "damn, you really are in a screwed up situation."

 

Several times, I've sat and loaded my gun and starred down the barrel. Obviously, I haven't pulled the trigger. Maybe I'm just waiting for the next ****ed up situation to fall into my lap? Maybe Things will get better? I'm a believer in karma. Even when people seek to do harm to me, I greet them with a smile and tell myself that it isn't my place to retaliate or seek revenge. That allowing their negative energy to cause me to act negatively would only cause more negativity... That it would be best to just let things take their course and continue to worry about the road ahead rather than those individuals and situations who seek to steer me off course. I'm no push over by any means but lately I don't even have the strength to care about life. I don't know anymore. I'm only 23 and I feel like I've failed and have no where left to go... Everything I touch seems to either fall apart or come back to bite me.

[Seraphim]

No one is worth killing yourself over. Believe me a failed marriage does not make you a failure.

[VIII]

No one is worth killing yourself over. Believe me a failed marriage does not make you a failure.

 

I agree 100% but it isn't her or the marriage situation that's cause my stress. She isn't worth the jail time I'd have to do for punching her in the face for sleeping with another man while she wore my clothes or introducing me to another man she slept with, with no mention of "by the way, I ****ed that guy"... She damn sure isn't worth the satisfaction of know that she meant enough to me to off myself over. No, she... the whole situation is just, at this point, the "straw that broke the camel's back" and I'm not only fed up with my wife but with my entire life.

[Seraphim]

Honey, life DOES get better. Life is fluid. We are not stuck at one point in time perpetually. Even 6 months months from now you could be at a vastly different and better place in life.

[iamkaylee]

Right now you're hugely stressed and overwhelmed. Having that much on your plate at one time can make you get "stuck" and it looks like there's no way out.

 

Break it down. Don't look at the whole picture. Take one thing at the time and look at each one individually. What can you change now, what can you change later and what can't you change. The things you can't change, let them go. The prior conviction, you can't change it. Gallery rejections, you can't change them either, but you can try to figure out why you were rejected and use that to help you be accepted next time around.

 

I can't say what to do about your marriage and family, but taking a break for a few days and getting out of the situation might help you relax and think a bit easier. Go stay with a friend or even in a hotel for a couple days. Take some time out for you.

[lilylilylily]

I read this post and was a bit taken back when I read your age... 23?

 

You're incredibly young still. You're going through some major changes in your life at this stage, and marriage+kids on top of this would push any 20+ year old to the limit... I commend you for the effort you have been making. At this point in time, it may seem IMPOSSIBLE to change things in your life, but believe me, you can. The first step is always the hardest... but once you make that decision to change your life/move on, it'll all come tumbling forward and push you towards a newer, brighter path.

 

As for the art: as a fellow artist, I can understand the pressure of trying to make it in the art world... people always commend younger artists / it's gut wrenching to feel like you're getting older and not getting any further. My advice is to take a break, just for the moment. Art is extremely powerful and can make us feel amazing, but it can also make us feel like utter failures.

 

You CAN change your life, things won't be instant, but you can make new steps to a new/better you.