So We Met Tonight

[diariescs]

After seven months, we talked for the first time.

 

Dog park.

 

He was sniffling so much when he hugged me. Then we walked for two hours, and just talked. About what's happening in each other's lives. I was so defensive. But that eventually melted away. I was laughing towards the end. He asked me if there was a chance for us. Told me he still had feelings for me. But I remained quiet. Said I couldn't seriously think about that while we're with other people. We talked about the three years, laughed about everything, but it didn't feel the same. It didn't hurt like I thought it would. I said no. I could've started this up again, could've started on the path to get back together. But I chose not to. It aches now. I almost wanna call him and tell him I've changed my mind. I can't remember any of the reasons why he was so bad for me, but I know they're there. I know. I just have to wait for this feeling to go away, and I'll start remembering why he is bad for me. Right? Right? Please, someone, tell me that I did the right thing. My friends are all working, and I'm so afraid. I missed us. Like he said, I, too, wish we could just hug and come home together. God, why did he have to wait so long to say those words! Reality is too strong now. I've moved on, and there's no logical way for us to work anymore. Oh god. Someone help me.

 

F.

[Clio]

He said these things to you while he is with another. His actions do not match his words. What you replied to him was correct. Had he been solid about it he would have freed himself from any other attachment and pursued you without a safety net. Instead he is playing it safe (and so are you-I do not know who dumped who). Under these circumstances you did the right thing. If you trully loved each other you wouldn't bear having other people on your side. At least that's my take on it.

[MasterPo]

He said these things to you while he is with another. His actions do not match his words. What you replied to him was correct. Had he been solid about it he would have freed himself from any other attachment and pursued you without a safety net. Instead he is playing it safe (and so are you-I do not know who dumped who). Under these circumstances you did the right thing. If you trully loved each other you wouldn't bear having other people on your side. At least that's my take on it.

 

Yup... exactly. I think your instincts knew too. It'll be alright. Like you said, give it a little time.

[MasterPo]

He said these things to you while he is with another. His actions do not match his words. What you replied to him was correct. Had he been solid about it he would have freed himself from any other attachment and pursued you without a safety net. Instead he is playing it safe (and so are you-I do not know who dumped who). Under these circumstances you did the right thing. If you trully loved each other you wouldn't bear having other people on your side. At least that's my take on it.

 

Yup... exactly. I think your instincts knew too. It'll be alright. Like you said, give it a little time.

[diariescs]

I want to text him, but I know it would only be due to a horrible desire to keep him in my life, despite the knowledge that I cannot be with him. It would be wrong. It would be mixed messages. And, most of all, it would only open up greater worlds of hurt for me. I feel like my bf doesn't care one way or another whether I'm talking to my ex or not, but it probably would still be wrong of me to do so, right? I was open to him about the fact that we were meeting up. All he asked was whether I was sure a dogpark would be safe. He didn't ask any more questions before or after the meetup. He hasn't told me he loves me, either. We're still in the early beginnings of our relationship. And the fact that we got thrown into an LDR so soon after we started being together makes it even more shaky. So why do I feel like I owe it to him not to talk to my ex anymore?

 

Rhetorical. It's because even though he hasn't said the words yet, he's still a good guy who cares very deeply about me, and who trusts me, it seems. And because he shows me his feelings in his own way, even though he has such a difficult time coming up with the words. That's where he and my ex differ greatly.

 

Furthermore, I know that talking to my ex is only a means to keep him in my life, as a.. I don't really know. As someone I loved dearly for three long years. Even though it's an honest desire, it's still wrong. Because the truth is, the tables have turned. He loves me, and wants to be with me, but I can't give him that now. So as much as I want to keep him in my life, I will only be hurting him if I do so. He would leave his current girlfriend if I told him that's what I needed. He would do everything to prove that he loves me. I know that. But that doesn't change the fact that I am with my current boyfriend. As much as I still have lingering feelings for my ex, honor should take precedence.

 

The fact that he has a girlfriend does influence my decision, but I really don't hold that against him. It seems like a horrible thing, but it really doesn't make him a bad person in my books. Just a scared, lonely one. We're all scared of being alone. In the end, we're all lonely, and it's always better to have someone than to be alone. No matter what anyone says, it's always better to have someone.

 

So yes. Here you go, guys. The tables have turned, and now I'm the one telling myself I don't want to give him mixed signals. I'm the one who rejected a man who broke my heart seven months ago. He told me pretty much everything I wanted to hear. How his life fell apart, how he realized very quickly that I was the one holding everything together, that I came out on top of this breakup, and that I won. When confronted with the inevitable, "Why now, after all this time?" question, he gave me the answer we were all sure (but never quite) was/is holding our exes back from coming to us. "Coming to you would've meant an admission of the fact that I was wrong, and you were right. It would've meant that [you really were right on that last argument (or whatever)]." But, in the end, it was four months too late.

 

And, god, only last week, I was missing him so bad, I thought I was going to cry again. It kills me to have to say no. Still killing me. I may be brave (for wanting something and saying no, because it's the right thing to do and it would be stupid to go back now), or just plain cowardly (for being too afraid to try again for someone I feel so much love for, and who I still want, even now). I can't remember the horrible parts. Just that I miss him, miss our home, miss the easy camaraderie that I still share with him, that I still haven't gained with my current boyfriend even after four months. Yet I still said no.

 

I don't know, guys. I'm just venting, hoping to find answers while I'm unraveling my crazy, convoluted thoughts.

[Haelnnyl]

He's not good for you. The reasons are below.

 

 

 

"The Journey

Because it's not easy. Because I need to try everything. Because it's over, and this is a good thing for me.

 

I need a place to-- you know what, I don't even know. I'm teetering between peace and pain, and trying to find the appropriate way to deal with this. I want to write about it, but I don't know how to without starting from the beginning. But if I start from the beginning, I'm afraid I'll lose the semi-peace and rekindle the enormity of my hurt and longing for my life last week, dysfunctional as it was.

 

So this is my attempt at creating a place where I can utilize many of the advice I've received and read about since Day -4 (I consider today Day 0 because it's when I finally got closure).

 

Tonight, I want to try writing down all the reasons I shouldn't be with this guy. I need to remember these reasons, carve them into my psyche, so that they can override the need for the familiar until the urge finally subsides. As a side-note, I do want to say that we had so much happiness in our relationship, but reading this makes me wonder how that could have been so. So here goes:

 

- I dumbed myself down for him.

- He lied, cheated, etcetera. I should've left him then. Instead, I gave him so many chances.

- His hygiene was often appalling.

- Sex = not good. In fact, it was a chore for the latter half of our relationship. I came off of him a total of eight times, probably. In three years.

- He is so insecure.

- We disagree on so many things, including racism, politics, privilege, work ethics, family, etcetera.

- You shouldn't say things that aren't true just to hurt the other person in a fight. You shouldn't throw low-blows. Apologizing for it does not erase the damage.

- He hit me. Lightly, and once, but he did!

- He is controlling, which I wouldn't mind if he was even the slightest bit accomplished. If he actually took care of me, treated me like a princess. Instead, he made me thank him for scraps of what I would have preferred to have.

- He made me choose between him and my family. He may not have said the words, but it was clear that I didn't love him enough if I didn't do this/that for him.

- He doesn't know how to just be happy for me.

- I haven't found him attractive in.. well.. ever.

- He is so temperamental.

- None of my friends or family like him or think he deserves me. Not one. That must mean something.

 

Blech, this isn't working for me. Only making me feel like I'm being unfair. Jeez, how could I have stayed with him so long if it was this bad? How good were the goods, really?

 

- He listened when I told him I needed him to change something. But that's about it.

- He did stop losing his temper so much. But I still had to tip-toe around him all the time. I felt like I was apologizing for every damned thing that shouldn't matter in the long run.

- He made me feel very safe when he held me.

- I told him everything. Again, another safety, comfort thing.

- He brought home random things for me sometimes. Or took me out to places he thought I might like. God forbid I say I want a particular thing, though. Watch him wait a week at least before delivering. But when he wanted something, it had to happen right away. Or maybe I just let him jerk me around, pretending it's okay.

 

I'm going to stop for now. This is.. I'm not sure about this.

-- End Chronicle Pt. I"