Are most women turned off by introverted men?

[Jake]

Intriguing.

How in the WORLD do you dress this way exactly?

 

I don't know exactly the words on how to describe it but I basically wear stuff that's a cross between preppy and casual. So for example, instead of a polo shirt, I'd wear a nice subtle graphic t-shirt that fits well (but not overly so....). I aim for sharp and clean.

 

The pros are:

 

#1 In terms of guys, jerks & players leave me alone because I look like a guy who takes care of himself (okay so I still eat pizza and watch Sherlock on my gaming computer but they don't need to know that!).

#2 It also eliminates women that would otherwise think they could try to use me (a.k.a female version of a player) because I intimidate them as well.

 

 

The cons are:

 

#1 I attract woman that are generally way too much for me (really outgoing, engaging, ect.). What I'll usually do in such a situation (say she approached me and my friends) is I'll be polite but not say much to convey that I'm not "that" sociable and outgoing as she perceived in her mind when she initially approached me to let her down easier.

#2 Rejection soon follows, it's like the sun (predictable). I usually see the rejection come soon after when she starts shifting her interest to a more actual outgoing friend in the group (hint: I'm the most introverted of all of them).

 

This is turning into a bit of a rant. What I'm trying to get at is that a lot of introverted people have low self-esteem because they're insecure about their introvertedness and whether or not a woman can even like an introverted guy (like this thread for example and the op in question). My conclusion? Yes, some women like introverted men. Most often it'll all work out if the introverted guy attracts women that well, like introverted men!

 

I, on the other had, don't have that pleasure. Don't get me wrong, I am not insecure about my introvertedness. I'm comfortable with it. I actually like and enjoy being introverted. I just have little to no self-esteem because I always get rejected (and I do mean always). I attract women physically but when I don't demonstrate an extroverted, initiative and outgoing personality.... well the ship sinks almost as fast as she set sail.

[blueidealist24]

Haha, that does sound exactly like me.. the guys who come up to talk to me at bars or parties because I look normal or cute will eventually say I'm aloof or weird or something. One even said he was looking for fun and he didn't realize I would do a scientific analysis of everything.

[RitaTrue]

Then why do you purposefully attract women who you know will reject you?

[RitaTrue]

I look like a guy who's "socially in tune with society" (I'm so not haha) and who's rather confident (pffffftttt).

 

Compare the way frat-boys dress with the way nerds dress. There's frequently a substantial difference.

 

Somehow I dont see frat boys as looking "socially in tune with society" hahahaha

[Jake]

Then why do you purposefully attract women who you know will reject you?

 

Ah but you assume that I purposefully dress to attract. It is more along the lines that my attire attracted women and I simply took note that in the process they misinterpreted my personality as outgoing (or at the least normal sociability). I understand the concern that I could be "pretending" to be outgoing to string women along - but I'm not that type of guy (yes we exist lol!).

[lilylilylily]

Introverted people can't meet introverted people unless ONE of them makes the effort....

 

I used to be introverted and it got me nowhere. I made a very big effort to become more outgoing, and now I get to meet introverted men all the time. Maybe this is why you keep bumping into so called 'extroverted' girls... because nothing god damn happens when you're introverted! Lol... *rage*.

 

I adore quieter/introverted men. Not shy, but reserved and humble. But it's extremely difficult to magically bump into them if you are equally quiet...

 

So what's my advice? If you want to meet introverted women, you need to become more 'extroverted' and put more effort into your search, and that means talking to quiet girls who never catch your attention instead of waiting for loud-girls to talk to you.

 

If not, then stop complaining and be more outgoing lol.

[Thorshammer]

My ex left me for many reasons, but one main one was because i was too introverted, and she was extremely extroverted. I also believe that introverts can drown in a relationship if they are the man dating an extroverted women. As an introvert, i attract extroverts, because they are the type to come up to me and tell me they like me, or to ask for a second date, where as an introvert, i would just shrug and think they didnt like me. Like the above poster said, you need to become the selector and choose your best mate while being aware that an introvert will not show all their cards. I dated an introvert, though it didnt work out, the little time i spent with her was great (i managed to date her because she blurted out she liked me when i turned away thinking she wasnt interested, so we were like two quiet people in a room trying to mind-power each other).

[happpybear]

Introverted people can't meet introverted people unless ONE of them makes the effort....

 

I used to be introverted and it got me nowhere. I made a very big effort to become more outgoing, and now I get to meet introverted men all the time. Maybe this is why you keep bumping into so called 'extroverted' girls... because nothing god damn happens when you're introverted! Lol... *rage*.

 

I adore quieter/introverted men. Not shy, but reserved and humble. But it's extremely difficult to magically bump into them if you are equally quiet...

 

So what's my advice? If you want to meet introverted women, you need to become more 'extroverted' and put more effort into your search, and that means talking to quiet girls who never catch your attention instead of waiting for loud-girls to talk to you.

 

If not, then stop complaining and be more outgoing lol.

 

Ya this is true, I am introverted, used too be really shy too but i am not so much anymore, but i'm a home body for sure. I tend to attract introverts or shy guys but it usually gets really weird and nothing ever happens. it is frustrating

 

(i managed to date her because she blurted out she liked me when i turned away thinking she wasnt interested, so we were like two quiet people in a room trying to mind-power each other).

 

This IS ALWAYS WHAT HAPPENS !!! lol, mind-power each other, great way to put it. It is so silly, no?

[Thorshammer]

This IS ALWAYS WHAT HAPPENS !!! lol, mind-power each other, great way to put it. It is so silly, no?

 

Yes, it is kind of funny. I got better when i worked retail, but i dont do that anymore, so i lost my "skills" in forcing myself to talk and force out answers. I do notice getting drunk helps me more, but it doesnt look cute when i show up to a date blasted out of my mind, lol. I also talk way more on the phone, in person i have to get into it, otherwise i am taking in the situation more than being involved in it. I also notice some women love how deep and emotional i can get when it comes to discussing personal things, but some women can take my introverted nature as less masculine... bleh.

[llw11]

....but some women can take my introverted nature as less masculine... bleh.

Dude, are you showing them the gunzzzzz??? lol! less masculine??

[llw11]

It's not necessarily about being "turned off." Women expect to be pursued, and as a result, introverted men have an inherent disadvantage. That said, women that are attracted to more traditionally/typically male qualities (aggression, power, etc.) could be turned off, as our society views "introverted" as being "weak."

Introversion has nothing to do with chasing. I'm as introverted as they come and I've never hesitated in showing someone "what's up", if i was interested in her. I do agree, however, that being introverted or "reserved" will be inevitably interpreted as socially anxious or insecure in some way, which is a turn off.

[Klokwurk]

Dude, are you showing them the gunzzzzz??? lol! less masculine??

 

Bwahahahaha!

 

He's right. Did you read what Avila said in another thread? Basically that nice biceps make time stand still.

[pl3asehelp]

It's not necessarily about being "turned off." Women expect to be pursued, and as a result, introverted men have an inherent disadvantage. That said, women that are attracted to more traditionally/typically male qualities (aggression, power, etc.) could be turned off, as our society views "introverted" as being "weak."

 

Old fashioned women not worth having expect to be pursued. Women worth being with realize they have to pursue just as much as men do and introverted guys are willing to do their share. They're not shy or scared to pursue. So introverted guys more often end up with quality women and have great relationships, while women who expect to be pursued end up with loser guys and drama filled failed relationships. It really works out well.

[AzureMio]

I'm as quiet as they come, only speak when it's necessary but women of my culture (Hispanic ) are definitely more outgoing and I feel left out at times, we are out there but you won't hear us shouting for attention.Look in unexpected places with lots of trees and shadows

[Thorshammer]

Dude, are you showing them the gunzzzzz??? lol! less masculine??

 

Lol, well some women expect their man to shut people up in conversations, or lead a social group, as opposed to sitting in the corner and watching everyone. I can get away with being either the badboy who doesnt say much, or the guy who just came out of prison (i have been told this many times), more so than the weak shy guy who doesnt feel comfortable when people are looking at him, but that dies fast. When the relationship starts to stretch, they start seeing me as a boy more so than a man, they think insecure, or shy, yet i am crazy enough to jump on a table and yell something dumb to prove i am not shy.

[lalalollipops]

I appear quite assertive and 'tough' on the surface, but I'm quite shy and not particularly confident inside. I don't think all introverts need to be quiet or 'unresponsive.' I've met introverts who seem outgoing (I think a big number of people have a mix of introvert and extrovert traits, while others overcompensate for their shyness alot of the time). But I think I'm more an introvert bc I'm not super comfortable when I'm with a large group of people I don't know. I don't talk 'as' much but I'm definitely not that silent. I used to be more quiet as a kid (I think I'm more reserved (in the sense I keep private things private).

[LeftBehind]

Not only am I an introvert, I also am mildly autistic. Although I've learned to overcome the autism and can now function socially when I want to, I find the dating side of it too exhausting.

 

It's strange. Women seem to be attracted to me initially and will approach me, but I always burn out very quickly and shut them down. I just can't handle it. That kind of interaction is overwhelming to my brain because it is difficult to keep up with.

 

My therapist says that, in his experience, many women gravitate toward people like me. The problem is, we shut them down very quickly.

[Throwaway999]

This is an interesting thread. I am an introvert, and I have dated introverted and extroverted women in my previous relationships. Some of the extroverts were good because they forced me to come out of my shell a bit, and pushed me into social situations I might have avoided otherwise, but I also think I considered them a little shallow and superficial. Sometimes they got on my nerves at bit for wanting to talk endlessly about nothing all the time.

 

Also, introversion and shyness are not the same thing. I am not really shy, I have no problem speaking my mind or approaching women, I just prefer small groups of friends rather than large social gatherings. I also prefer deeper conversations about things that actually interest me, rather than superficial small talk.

 

The thing about introversion/extroversion is, it is a spectrum, not an all or nothing thing. My last girlfriend was also an introvert, but oddly enough she was much more introverted than I am. She was also painfully shy. In some ways this was good, because she was cool with staying home and watching a movie, or both of us just reading books in the same room, rather than having to go out to some stupid party or something. But, since she was even more introverted than I was, it got to the point where I was the one who had to drag her out to places. Sometimes, I wanted to go to a stupid party! Since she was so shy, she also didn't make much of an effort to get to know my friends, she was more comfortable with her own circle. Ultimately, this was bad for us because we ended up stagnating and not doing new things together, and we just got bored with each other.

 

Also, it was impossible to get her to open up or talk about anything, so when things were going good in the relationship it was great, but if there was something that was bothering her I felt like it was all one-sided on my part to try to fix things. So, I don't know what was ultimately better for me, being with an introvert or an extrovert. At least if the other person is a loudmouth, it is easy to know where you stand in the relationship.

[FYI]

I'm about 60/40 with introvert leading the way in terms of my personality. I'm not the life of the party, but I'm not always the poor sap sitting in the corner. As a more naturally introverted person, I also attract more extroverted women by design. I get messages all the time on my profile from women who have "social outings, gatherings, live bands, dancing to salsa, happy hours, frequent party goers, bar hop, art club, lead singer in the church choir, volunteer at the local book store, fraternity alpha, beta, delta... written on their profile. I see all that and think, now this is a woman who is just not going to be happy with a guy like me who wants to sit on his ass. While I do enjoy going out and having other things to do, being super-social and attending every party or social gathering is not top priority in my life.

[LeftBehind]

Sometimes the "poor sap" in the corner is actually enjoying being left alone. That's me. I'm perfectly content to be left alone in public settings. In fact, a lot of times it annoys me when people come up and interrupt my train of thought at the moment. It's not intentional on their part, nor is the annoyance on mine, but it just startles me.

[pl3asehelp]

Sometimes the "poor sap" in the corner is actually enjoying being left alone. That's me. I'm perfectly content to be left alone in public settings. In fact, a lot of times it annoys me when people come up and interrupt my train of thought at the moment. It's not intentional on their part, nor is the annoyance on mine, but it just startles me.

 

Agreed. A lot of times, that poor sap in the corner doesn't want to be there at all and is only there because someone wants them there and they're trying to be nice and oblige.

[Bobbilama]

I've dated introverted guys before and I just thought they weren't that into me. I found out later they were just 'shy.'

[pl3asehelp]

I've dated introverted guys before and I just thought they weren't that into me. I found out later they were just 'shy.'

 

Do you know the difference?

[PetiteGirl]

My boyfriend and I are both introverts. Initially what attracted me to him was common interests. We both love the same geeky stuff. Being an introvert myself, I didn't think I have a chance with him so I friend zoned him. For months I thought he only liked me as a friend until one day he grabbed my hand and told me he really liked me. I think what broke us out of the friend zone was him taking the initiative and treated me like a date (he later admitted how that wasn't easy for him and he was very nervous that I might reject him). I will admit though throughout our relationship, I have wondered if he's really that into me due to, for a lack of better word, his passiveness or him being very slow to open up on a personal level. I'm a feeler and he is a do-er, so I perceived opening up verbally and being emotionally connected as a sign of affection. My perception turned out to be a mismatch with his way of showing his affections, which is through his action or act of service (such as opening car door for me, carrying heavy stuff, driving me, etc). Once we've realized our different ways of giving in a relationship, it became a lot easier for us. He started to open up too, which helped tremendously.

 

So back to the original question, I think it's not that women get turned off by introvert men, it's that both sides have yet to come to an understanding and acceptance that introverts and extroverts deal with things differently. A woman who cites lack of chemistry with her introvert man has no understanding on who he is. A man who thinks it's his introversion that is turning women off may not be meeting the right type of women or has yet to learn how to display the kind of sign of interest that many women look for. For example, while he may be debating whether if he should ask the woman on a date or not, the woman is wondering if he only sees her as a friend by not asking her out. I imagine as a man, it is disheartening to be rejected by women over and over again, but I think it's best to find a woman who truly sees your worth. The kind of women that is looking for the thrill of being with an exciting, outgoing guy will always exist, but it is also your choice if you picked the roller coaster ride yourself.

 

Look, it's not that introverted guys have no chance. It's about meeting the right kind of woman. The kind that is patient, and doesn't worry about whether if you can socialize with a thousand party animals or if you guys can talk 20 hours straight.

[s4ndm4n2006]

I think it might be true that where you are looking for women might need to be changed. I, myself, am also an introverted person but I also know that some women who get to know me actually do like me. The problem is finding the women that are interested in men that are somewhat reserved and quiet. They won't be the ones in the bars, they expect men to be approaching them first. If you frequent places like that looking for the right woman you're probably gonna be looking for a long time.

 

I have to comment on your approach to relationships too. It's not a team, nothing at all similar to how an employer would expect people to be compatible. At work, I'm compatible with many women related to teams and productivity but I wouldn't want a relationship with many of them, if any. Don't be so objective and logical in your thinking, it's not science or employment, it's romance! The chemistry is wholly different!

 

On extroverts and introverts together I think there are pros and cons to this type of match. I think that in many ways, it can work with the right couple but at the same time, for myself I think I'm partially looking for someone that's somewhat less social and a little more reserved. I've had the relationship with an outgoing, social butterfly and although those qualities were great for her, she tended to overshadow me in most ways. So perhaps an introverted lady would be someone to look for?