Marriage has completely fallen apart and I have stopped sleeping...

[VIII]

My wife and I have been together since 2009 and all things considered, we've had a wonderful relationship- on the surface. We get along well, she's very supportive of my career as an artist (not always an easy career to deal with), we have AMAZING sex almost every day, and we can be completely honest and open with each other... Or so I thought.

 

Since the beginning of our marriage, my wife has had a regular issue with lying to me about trivial things. Mostly men she talks to or has met while at work (she works in public places so of course, she's going to meet people. I'd drive myself nuts if I tried to keep track of everyone she told me about meeting in a day!) I'm not the jealous type at all and I really don't care if she has male friends or associates with other males as long as she respects our marriage. The problem is when you have to lie about who is texting you at 3am or whether or not you are where you say you are, you are obviously doing something wrong. Over the past three years, I'll find out about a different situation she's lied about at least once every two months. Recently, probably within the last six months, I've found out about her lying almost once a month. Not all of it had to do with other guys but most of it did. On top of that, she completely forgot about our wedding anniversary and I can't think of a single xmas, birthday, or fathers day when she did anything or bought anything for me (not that I'm looking for gifts but the fact that she didn't even bother to do more than say "happy birthday" and go about her business kinda hurts!) I like to think that I've been more than understanding and forgiving considering we did get married young (she's currently 21 and I'm 23) but after the time before last, I told her that if she lied again, I was gone and our marriage was over- well, she lied again. This time about a man who was going to jail for selling drugs. He was supposed to turn himself in to the police in a couple of weeks and she wanted to "make his last few days special". As far as I knew, she hadn't actually cheated on my physically with man and every instance before had just been "bad judgement in flirting" and "lying because it was habbit". After reading several lengthy facebook conversations between her and the man she was talking to, much of it about how they were going to have a threesome with her and a friend of hers and how she as going to be her slave, I called her and yelled for the first time our entire marriage. When she got home that evening I asked her ONCE AGAIN to come clean about anything else she had lied about. She then told me that nothing had happened between her and the man who's messages I read but that she did sleep with another man that she met at her job. A man that worked in a building accross from her's and that she had since introduced me to and suggested that I hang out with! Not only this but she had also slept with her ex boyfriend WHILE wearing my United States Marine Corps PT uniform shirt. I was completely done at this point. All the begging, pleading, and crying in the world meant nothing to me. Now that it's been a couple of weeks since she's told me and I've cooled off quite a bit, I'm less angry and more disgusted as the fact that she had been sleeping next to me every night after being with another man. I also felt like an idiot for giving her so many chances to get her sh*t together and still taking her back. A divorce is WAY too expensive to pay for right now. Especially because she and I also have a two year old daughter to take care of and my career as an artist doesn't exactly pay fabulous amounts of money (...yet!) She also doesn't have any family in this state and has no one who will let her stay at their place. The last thing I need is for her to leave and me not tie up loose ends legally regarding our daughter and marriage.

 

Since she told me, she's been an all around kiss-ass and has been extra affectionate. She's even started going to counseling and has, as far as I know, cut off all contact with all of the men she was associating with. Even with the effort she is putting in now to show that she is a loving wife, I have no interest in being with her. I've given her too many chances. It shouldn't have taken all of this for her to realize she was treating me like crap. She says that is had nothing to do with me and that I have given her everything she ever wanted in a man. She says she was just being selfish and immature. She said she's always felt loved and that I'm always affectionate. That I make her feel sexy and she loves our sex ...our neighbors have confirmed that ;-). She also said that she was only physically attracted to the men she was sleeping with and talking to but if that was the case, why continue to carry on lengthy conversations with them or text them every day?! I can't find the strength or energy to really care about anything that comes out of her mouth at this point.

 

I love my wife more than words can say and I hate that as "perfect" as our relationship felt... as amazing as she is, she just couldn't be honest with me. Now I don't have the money for a divorce and I can't kick my daughter's mom out on the street, I've got no idea what to do. I'm tired of being lied to and have more to worry about than a woman who doesn't give a damn about her marriage. Then I think about all of the other women that I know (as a photographer, I know A LOT of women) and can't think of a single one who I'd be completely satisfied with or who I'd even want to build something with. Not that I'd date my models but I think I've made a generalization of all- or most women based on the plethora of women I've worked and associated with. I'm stressed as hell because I have to make a real effort not to just hug her and kiss her and forgive her- but then, I can't let her stab me in the back AGAIN. I look at her one minute and think "wow, I married a beautiful young woman and we are so good together" and then the next "Damn! I can't believe I gave her so many chances! I can't believe she would get back in bed with me after another man used her for his pleasure. I don't ever want to see her again!" She's sworn over and over again that she wouldn't lie to me and has broken her word on numerous occasions. I'm really not sure what to do now...

 

Wow I typed a lot- sry for the rant but any advice would be helpful.

[luminousone]

Sorry to say this, but it really sounds like she is a pathological liar. I was just having a conversation with a friend about this, as her ex was like your wife.

 

She may be lying just because it is habit, and it could be little lies about insignificant things. I think some people simply cannot tell the truth, for whatever reason. His mom lied as well.

 

After a marriage of 30 years, my friend found out her ex had been in a SM sex ring for 15 years!

 

I don't think your wife is going to change. Maybe after years of counseling.

 

You say you have a daughter - for your daughter's sake beg, borrow, or find the money to get the divorce! Go for full custody of your daughter. Your wife's indiscretions have led her to be with very shady individuals and you need to protect your daughter from sexual predators!

[Lester]

Hi V, There is simply no greater pain!

 

At the end of the day it’s about marriage and non-marriage. Counting lies, forgotten dates and other low-life antics is not the problem. She's demonstrated a willingness to talk to other, (one is enough), “men”. That’s the only subject, all the rest is your denial. (Normal)

 

Secretly buy, James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” (Never let her see it and forget what you think you may know about TL.)

 

After you have read it and think you still want to try, tell her there can be no other men… ever.

Prepare for a new life and if she crosses that line it’s your answer!