I need serious help and advice regarding my predicament

[abysmal]

Hey everyone at enotalone, I've been really struggling with my self esteem issues lately when it comes to dating, it's really tearing me up inside like you would not believe and I'm not trying to sensationalize this or be melodramatic. If it comes accross like I'm trying to throw a pity party here, I promise I'm not. I'm going to try to be objective and straightforward.

 

I've always had a complex or a fixation on my appearance. I've always tried to look my best because I've always been alone and I want to impress others; I seek acceptance. Lately I've been on a few dates and I've had some multiple dates with the same girls, and nevertheless I keep getting put in the friend-zone. The issue is that it is troubling and worrisome to me, the possibility that I'm just not attractive to anyone; that my physical appearance is the reason this keeps happening, and that I'm always the friend in the end because of the way that I look. I'd give anything for it to be that I'm just too nice or too much of a bore, or that I do not exude self-confidence. But I feel like the answer would kill me inside. I try as hard as I can and I dress well and take care as best I can, and I'm still not acceptable, apparently. I'm 5'8, 120 lbs, so I'm a little guy, and there's not much that I can do to change the way that I look. And I've just been seeing normal, girl-next-door types, mind you. I am not shallow myself, but I'm beginning to believe that they are.

 

I just need some advice on how to get out of this mindset because it's really depressing me and hurting me inside. I feel like I can't move forward.

[theanonymoose]

The negativity certainly won't help things. Positivity is far, far more attractive - being positive shows a girl that you're in control of your perception of the world, which is powerful. Girls like powerful, confident guys.

 

You should never try and be anything other than yourself when trying to court someone - but you can certainly mould yourself into the person you actually want to be over time. To begin with, physicality is and isn't important. Sure, a girl definitely wants to be with a guy that they're attracted to. But apparently (can't verify this with actual stats; just heresay around the web) personality is much, much more important to them. As in, most girls would rather be with the guy that makes them smile and laugh, than the guy that makes them drool. Of course, having some looks - and more importantly, confidence in your looks - can help you get your foot in the door, so I feel like it isn't something you should neglect. 5'8 isn't terribly short, so don't worry about that too much. If you want to put on muscle - put on muscle. Get an extra ~500 calories 3 days a week, and on those days do some solid weights sessions (aiming for more weight and less reps to get maximum growth). Rippletoe is a pretty good system that usually has you do about 5 compound exercises which hit most of your target areas, so in half an hour or less you can get a good overall workout.

 

In terms of personality tweaks - that can take a bit longer. It's not as easy as just saying "I'll be confident in who I am and how I present myself, and positive in my outlook of the world". But it's important, not just for dating but life in general, so it's something that you should probably put some effort into. Primarily, you want to be confident in pretty much everything you say and do (if you were doing something new that might make you nervous, like acting or skydiving - sure, it's ok to show that you're nervous - but you also show you're confident by just knuckling down and doing it when it comes to crunch time). And you want to be positive in most things you say - people will enjoy talking you more if you talk about how much you love your job/hobby/pet, rather than if you talk about how much you hate that thing.

 

Remember that perception is arguably the most powerful force within the universe of a single person. Perception can drive a person to never give up, or can drive a person to want to die immediately - it's that potent. So if you have a less-than-perfect perception, how can you fix that? There's plenty of techniques, but one that worked really well for me when I was in a bit of a funk at the end of last year was that whenever I felt negative about something, I'd go down as many layers as I could to figure out what deep view/s were causing that negativity, and then start telling myself that the opposite was true - which lead to changes up the layers, and to me not feeling so bad.

 

So, for example, earlier this year I was at a shopping centre where I had a few fond memories with my ex, and it made me really sad. So I had a think about it - why was I sad? First layer was that I remembered the past, where I was happier than I felt I was in the present. The next layer was that I was worried that I would never be that happy again, because in the present I couldn't see any immediate opportunities that might make me that happy. The next layer was that I believed my best times had come and gone. So I started telling myself that I had no idea what the future held, and that for all I knew that was just the tip of the iceberg that is the happiness in my life. I accepted that it was perfectly naturally to feel a little sad about happy memories, but that moving forward I had no reason to doubt I'd make more happy memories. And I felt a lot better, where in the past I might've let something like that consume me for a week or so.

 

In regards to dating specifically, I'll also point out that there's psychology involved. I'd love to say that you can just be 100% honest with a girl and that doing so will eventually land you with the perfect girl... but it's not true. As someone who can fall easily and hard for the right girl, I know it's not as easy as being an open door. It's about being tempered, and honest - while not letting everything out - and working around their natural defenses until you get to the point where you can start opening your vault more and more. I'm not saying that you should use jedi mind tricks to get girls that just aren't compatible with you, but I am saying that you have to be controlled in your approach to women who you might be compatible with, so that you can actually reach a point where you can find out.

 

Finally, always remember - if you're not happy with something in your life, it's up to you to change it. You say you feel like you can't move forward, but it's your choice - and it is a choice - as to whether you make changes to try and get what you want, or you stay in a rut. If you're not happy being single? You can choose to stay in a depressed state and not try and move, or you can choose to try and improve your skills with the opposite sex, so that in the future you'll have more opportunities.

 

Hope some of this rambling helps.

[jordesse]

It has nothing to do with your looks. I've read your previous posts and the thing that stands out to me is the sheer desperation you give out. Desperation is the biggest attraction killer known to women and men. I don't mean to be insensitive or rude, but I don't think you are in anyway ready to date or be in a relationship. I think you would do best to work on being happy alone first and spending your time doing things that you enjoy to build up your self esteem. Fixating on what you think is wrong with your appearance to the point where "it would kill you inside" is the problem. That and the desperation you feel towards finding a "confidante to stop your heart wasting away". You're 21 years old with your whole life in front of you. Participate in the things you enjoy and learn to love your life alone and that in itself will attract the right woman.

[stickman]

No matter who you are or what you look like, people are attracted to those that make THEM smile and/or laugh. Studies have shown that more woman prefer to be with a man that will make them laugh or smile more than any other trait.

 

Ok. So how can you make others smile and laugh when you dont feel like that??

 

You first work on you. You have to love that person you see in the mirror. No matter what. When you start to do that, others take notice.

Great advice Jordesse above! Spot on. Re-read that post several times.

[happpybear]

it has nothing to do with your looks, i dated a guy who was your exact build. It is probably your insecurity that is the problem, self-consciousness is obvious and unattractive. My ex would constantly ask me if he looked ok, and was fixated on his appearance too, always trying to bulk up. after awhile it became annoying and was part of the reason I ended things