I cant stop thinking of him with her!!

[SoLost12]

Looking at the time, and thinking that they are saying goodnight right now, the way we used...

Texting goodmorning the way we used too...

Going on the dates we never had with her... the ones I planned. The ones he never showed up to.

 

He's telling her everything he told me... how could his words mean so little?

How could he be telling her that he loves her 1 month in- was what we had was just a joke to him??

 

Is he treating her better than he did me?

He treated me like nothing, did he use me, get all his bad behaviour out on me- Got his act together and is now treating her amazingly?

I never got that part of him... why didn't I deserve that from him?

 

I stood by him through everything, one of his lowest points- put up with all of his BS - only to have him leave like that when it all got better for him!!??

 

How did I let myself fall for that ? All the charming words... Zero action.

It's like a punch in the stomach everytime I replay the words he wrote to her in my head... LOVE???

 

And now is he sitting there, telling her monstrous, twisted stories of me? That I was horrible...? The way he did with his ex before me. Is he making her feel good about herself by telling her how much better she is than me?

 

The thought makes me sick.

[secondchance67]

You don't know any of that is true.

 

You are practicing "worst case scenario thinking" and employing "fill in the gaps" logic because you are so distraught you are letting your mind run away with irrational thoughts and fears.

 

It doesn't matter how he is treating her now - like a princess or like a piece of trash.

 

It doesn't matter how well you treated him now...what was lies...what was truth....none of it carries any weight now, it is inconsequential to you or your life - he is gone.

 

What matters most is that you dont judge yourself or try to see how you "measure up" to this new person in his life.

 

Drawing conclusions and trying to list what you have she doesn't and vice versa will only drive you to the brink of madness.

 

You will make your self nuts trying to guess at what might be going on, and in the process, waste valuable time you could be spending on rebuilding your shattered self esteem....your self confidence...your inability to see the worth you have as a person.

 

He has his issues and demons....she will see them in time just as you did....people don't change over night - they can pretend, but in the end it's always the same: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

You know all about his past behavior...what makes you so sure she won't meet the same fate as you did given enough time for him to show his true self?

 

it is all too easy early on to keep the "mask" on, putting your best foot forward, erasing all the wrongs of the past with the new R/S....telling yourself this time you will get it right, treat him/her better, and make sure your new R/S doesn't turn out like the last one did.

 

Give him time to let down his guard and start to get comfortable....it will play itself out in due time......and when he lies, cheats, tells horrible stories and shows his true,shallow self that lies behind the mask......it wont be your heart he is breaking this time.

[freadrik]

Great reply secondchance67!

 

Everything you said is true. It's normal after a heartbreak to replay events and think of how it might have ended differently. That's part of our biological system, trying to protect us from future pain. Just like a victim of a traumatic accident will do, replay the incident over and over in their head. But in the case of a breakup, when the other person has moved on, we need to decisively stop all ruminations of their current or future relationships. What good does it do you, SoLost12, to imagine all that may be going on between your ex and his new lover? Will it change the past, present, or future? Do you think by fantasizing about what they may or may not be doing, you are changing anything? No, you aren't. You are only holding yourself back from moving on. It doesn't matter what he told you or said to you. He isn't with you anymore. He is with someone else. He is THEIR problem now. Don't give him the victory of making you waste another second thinking of him. Think about how you feel right now. He made you feel this way. He hurt you and doesn't care that he did. Why think about him any other way then he does about you? He doesn't exist to you now. You aren't alone, though. We are all here with you. Praying for you and sending you positive energy. You existed before you met him. You exist now. You will exist in the future. Your thoughts and emotions matter, to you, me and those that do love you. Keep writing on here, this website has done amazing things for me. I learned so much I never even considered.

[Ms Darcy]

IF he treated you like nothing, you need to learn to love yourself enough to be happy that he is gone. Hugs.

[nrb]

secondchance67 > cant find the words to express my admiration of your thoughts... You are wise!

[Limiya]

I keep having the same thoughts, and i don't even know for sure if he is really with anyone else.

I have to stop myself otherwise i'll drive myself crazy.

 

Try and remember that any sh*t he put you through, she will have to go through too. She'll soon realize his faults, and may think 'i don't want to deal with this'.

So no need to stress too much about it. Easier said than done.

But remember when someone jumps straight into a rebound relationship, they don't usually last that long.

That's what i tell myself anyway.

 

Limiya

[lehorrible]

If my ex wasn't a female, I would say we dated the same person

 

Seriously, I had the same thoughts and this was only last month that we stopped being involved. Now she is with someone else.

Honestly, in my opinion, the "ooo shiny" effect will wear off with time. There will come a day when your last partner self-reflects on what he did.

That moment where he puts things into retrospect will either be positive and life changing, or he will just brush it off because it is sooo far gone.

 

The reason I can take a lot of comfort in the situation is because I dumped HER, and I didn't deserve to be treated badly.

You will heal soon.

[markie6]

Some people are like monkeys, they can't let go of one branch (person ) before having hold of another 1. They often don't need to heal as they were never emotionally invested and will swap people in and out at will.

[SoLost12]

SecondChance,

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this! I have read many of your responses to others & saved them for rereading, I just printed this one too! Logically i know that it's nearly impossible to imagine someone changing overnight... I actually know based on my own personal issues, that cycles repeat themselves especially when you don't take the proper measures to understand and get help for them. I can honestly say that I am working hard at that... like you said to another member 'finding the missing piece of the puzzle.'

 

You really hit the nail of the head, with the inabilty to see my worth. This lack of confidence has affected so many parts of my life. I am trying to look to the future and repair this, understand where it comes from. Tired of being this person.

 

It hurts alot that we were friends beforehand, that I really thought he had more respect for me that the way things turned out.. even tho every clue during the relationship pointed at NO respect at all. I just decided to see what I wanted... I made up who he was and how he was going to treat me, and no matter what he did differently... I thought if I push through this, show him how much HE'S worth, he will see that he can treat me this way too. But in the end, he isn't that Guy. All of it was a fairytale, just words on an electronic screen, and constant disapointment..

 

Will come out of this healed. Not just of him but of myself. And the next relationship will not have the same issues, atleast on my end.

 

Thank you for the amazing reply.

[SoLost12]

Thank you for your warm & fantastic reply.. This is another that I've printed ... You made me feel so encouraged. Thinking of him so much, I think nonexistant is what I've been wishing for, and feeling like and this was so nice to read.

 

Don't give him the victory of making you waste another second thinking of him.... YES.

[SoLost12]

I keep having the same thoughts, and i don't even know for sure if he is really with anyone else.

I have to stop myself otherwise i'll drive myself crazy.

 

Try and remember that any sh*t he put you through, she will have to go through too. She'll soon realize his faults, and may think 'i don't want to deal with this'.

So no need to stress too much about it. Easier said than done.

But remember when someone jumps straight into a rebound relationship, they don't usually last that long.

That's what i tell myself anyway.

 

Limiya

 

REALLY trying to keep this reality in mind.... and remembering the bad stuff. At the end of the relationship he blamed me for everything... maybe that's why I've been blaming myself so much? He even had the nerve to tell me that he only stood me up once, got drunk once... it was weekends upon weekends!!! and that he was a peaceful person, I like to argue too much, I always need to be right. I literally admitted the issues I had, over & over, never blamed him for anything that was my fault. 'There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that like to argue, and the kind he likes to be at peace- you're all drama' WHAT!!?? It wasn't drama when he drunk and crazy, was begging me not to leave him, because he didn't want to loose me and make the same mistake again... UGHH! ok getting worked up.

 

Phhew. Sorry lol vent triggered

[SoLost12]

IF he treated you like nothing, you need to learn to love yourself enough to be happy that he is gone. Hugs.

 

Trying hard to get to this point... it is the ultimate problem isnt it.. the selflove?

Hugs Back Cute .. thanks for that

[SoLost12]

If my ex wasn't a female, I would say we dated the same person

 

Seriously, I had the same thoughts and this was only last month that we stopped being involved. Now she is with someone else.

Honestly, in my opinion, the "ooo shiny" effect will wear off with time. There will come a day when your last partner self-reflects on what he did.

That moment where he puts things into retrospect will either be positive and life changing, or he will just brush it off because it is sooo far gone.

 

The reason I can take a lot of comfort in the situation is because I dumped HER, and I didn't deserve to be treated badly.

You will heal soon.

 

UGH! Theres 2 of them!!! haha. Really needed to hear that.. lol at the ''ooh shiny'...

[SoLost12]

Some people are like monkeys, they can't let go of one branch (person ) before having hold of another 1. They often don't need to heal as they were never emotionally invested and will swap people in and out at will.

 

Think this is it, he wasn't emotionally invested- there was no real love. I got this link off another post

The Loser"

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser

Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

 

Amongst others, he was alot of this -> this was a prob we often had... as it seemed so odd and overwhelming to me. I let myself be convinced... im pathetic.

 

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

[ParisPaulette]

You have to remember one thing any time you think of the illusion of what a great time the two of them must be having--one day it very likely will her on here typing these same words. And then the woman that comes after her and the woman after that. You dodged a bullet and although it hurts now in time you'll likely come to be very, very thankful that this man is out of your life. Especially if you keep it that way, learn from the experience and let yourself have the time to grieve and then heal and move on to someone who really does love you. I did it and so I know it's possible to heal even from those relationships that seem as if they were destined for forever. In the meantime stay busy, work on yourself and stay NC from him and don't even allow friends to talk about him to you. Take up something that you've always wanted to do and if it's something he didn't like you doing or didn't want you to do that's even better. In the end living and living well will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

 

Meanwhile he'll still be playing his games until the day he looks around and realizes he has no one and none of the women who've been in his life at one point, including you, now want him.

[Limiya]

Nice posts.

I have to keep reminding myself that any other woman he dates now, most likely won't put up with a lot of the sh*t i put up with and will walk away sooner than later.

He will soon realize this himself.

I just hope i don't bump into her or either of them together. It's hard for me enough just trying to get over him, without anyone else being in the picture.

 

Limiya

[SoLost12]

Limiya-

 

True That, it's ridiculous, the amount of **** I put up with. I can't see too many others doing that. If I had more confidence I don't think I wouldve either. (She seems to have Tons of confidence from her profile description & pictures...but who knows?)

I thought I was seeing the person underneath all the pain & issues... but regardless of all his 'tests' and passing them (whatever BS THAT was) he still ran away. -Those are his issues tho, which I have zero control over... so I'm trying my best to stop analyzing and questioning the psychology behind his horrible behaviour & focus on the psychology behind mine!

 

Ugggh tell me about it! After seeing the pics of them together on FB I feel somewhat at ease knowing who she is, like, atleast I wont be blindsighted if we run into each other... in my head I have it all planned out being Super Cool & Totally Ok. But REALITY CHECK? Who knows if I'll burst into tears??? Lovely.

:S

[SoLost12]

TY for your advice!! GREAT hearing someone come out the other end of something similar too... and Happily so... really appreciate this!