Is an E-affair still an affair even with complete lack of intent or realization?

[Justme3]

Having this male friend is certainly causing her to not give her 100% to your relationship. You really need to set some boundaries. She even wants to hide you? What is that about . I think she's really angry with your previous behavior and she's at a point where she's just done. Her behavior is the onset of an affair. What's going on with him? What type of man pours out his heart to a married woman? Where are his boundaries as well? You need to make a decision here and do what's best for you and your kids.

[Miss Firecracker]

Your marriage is about done I'm afraid. He may as well move in and sleep between you two.

[nbr]

@Justme3: His boundaries appear to be ok actually. I think he's completely oblivious to this. He is very recently out of a divorce that is still as messy as they can get (his ex accused him of all sorts of crap). What it boils down to is that he's been battered to hell and my wife has been a sympathetic ear.

 

@Miss Firecracker: I won't accept that yet. I see *no* indications of sexual intent from either of them, not even a hint. What I do see is my wife getting her "fix" from being around him and helping him. She's a fix-it personality, and he's become her pet project near enough. I don't think this is beyond salvage, and I suppose some of it is karma.

 

Wife and I talked some more about some of this, slowly we appear to be heading towards some middle ground, but it's going to take time on her end. She re-iterated that my affair was sexual in nature (even if not in act) and that hers is totally different, because there is no sex. I was able to calmly (yay point out to her that our affairs are different because we are different.

"In my case my affair was sexual because that was my 'fix', you're a fix-it person and he needs fixing. You're doing that because it's your 'fix'". She got that frigidity uncomfortable look that she gets when she feels like she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Since that talk things have been (very slowly) changing.

 

I feel that since we already have such a wedge between us, if I force this issue too hard it will finish any chance of reconciliation, and if I just roll over, it will be just as bad. I need to handle it with grace and dignity, absurdness and compassion. Fact of the matter is that she doesn't see it for what it is, because to her "affair" means sex, and because she doesn't want to admit that she could be part of the problem. Until she can realize that I can not force her to see it.

 

She's been asking some interesting self-discovery questions of me lately too. I find it hopeful that soon the light may dawn on her. I've been answering them as dispassionately and factually as I've been able to.

 

Keep the comments coming though, they make me think, and I need that more than anything else.

-nbr

[nbr]

Yeah, well I have an update on this...

In MFT we discussed my emotional affair, and it came up that nearly all my talks with the OW revolved around me talking to the OW about my wife and her talking about the father of her child... Therapist said that's how nearly all affairs start. My wife heard that... She still doesn't want to admit that a spade is a spade, but hearing it from someone else sure helped. We (the wife and I) talked more that night and I told her, the only reason I was concerned was that I saw her doing the same things I did, and I didn't want her to find herself in that spot where one knows they've screwed up and can't figure out what to do.

 

She seems (at this point) willing to accept that I honestly believe it's an affair, and seems to accept *why* it's an affair, but not that it *is* one, which may all be moot soon anyway, as he's getting more needy (which is part of what I did to drive her further away) and it's turning her off.

There is some inner conflict going on there, as she enjoys his company, and for the most part likes playing with the four (his 2, our 2) kids, but at the same time doesn't like where some of the RS is going.

 

I did tell her that I went too far to salvage a healthy friendship with my OW, and so had to cut everything out completely, whereas I don't think she's past the point of no return, and could have a healthy friendship with this OM.

 

I know I'll get flamed for that, but really, if I get overly forceful with her, we're already so dicey she'll follow through on the me moving out threat. At least she is still attending MFT sessions, and since my affair and her nascent affair are similar enough, we can explore mine and let her draw her own parallels on hers. Showing some measure of support for her having friends, even ones I'm unsure of, shows trust for her that she needs to see from me, and since there is some distance starting to build between them I see no point in trying to force anything, but rather just let it naturally end.

 

Hopefully at some point we can start actual reconciliation, not just damage control and a stay of execution...

-nbr