I want to break up with him, but don't know how..

[Lily04]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now, and he just left for another country in the beginning of September for grad school. Our relationship was great over the summer, and I really think that I was in love with him, but now that there's this distance between us, I really feel like it's not going to work.

 

For one, we hardly ever talk. I get a few e-mails a week, quite brief & all about him (he hardly ever asks how I'm doing), and we haven't talked on MSN yet. We're both busy & there's the time zone difference, so that's fair, but I just feel like I don't want to be in this anymore. For one, he was my first boyfriend and I'm not sure I want to commit to something so serious yet, as he wants. He's also going to be in England for another 2 years at least. There's also things about him I'm beginning not to like..he's very insecure (he called me today to make sure I'm not cheating on him & asked if there was 'anything I should tell him'..he asked a few other things as well, but I could tell that was the point of his call. He also wanted to know who I was hanging out with & when I mentioned one of my new guy friends that he knows he was like 'oh so you like David now, eh?' hurridly.) I just sorta ignored it & then asked him if he was cheating on ME back sarcastically, hoping he'd get the point that he wouldn't because of the element of trust, but he didn't. But then the phone time ran out, but I e-mailed him afterwards and said that I just wanted to tell him so he knows plain out that I'm *not* cheating on him, that I'm mature enough to exercise some self-control, and that trust should be the basis of every relationship..

 

But after writing that, and adding a few more light details to soften it up, I just couldn't help but reflect that our conversation was really quite distant. He tried to remind me of our special places together, asking if I've been there to remember him, and saying he misses me soooo much, etc. etc. but I just didn't feel exactly the same..to be honest, I haven't missed him that much. In the beginning, yes, but we haven't talked for almost 2 months now & I've been so busy I haven't even really noticed.. but when I talked with him I didn't feel that same love I used to.

 

Another thing is that I get the impression he lied to me about a lot of his abilities to try to impress me (about his gpa, the very school he's attending, and bragged excessively about minimal accomplishments..) I don't know..in any way, I just feel like I don't even know who he really is. The people he claims to be his best friends aren't even really that close to him..in a way I feel sorry for him, but in another way, I would've appreciated him just telling me the truth. Even his e-mails seem coated with some superficial pomposity...I know he's self-conscious about himself though (he told me that once at least), because he said I'm so much better looking than him, he's always scared I'll be tempted to look for other guys.

 

It's really hard though because he's away (I'll have to break up with him over the internet, he doesn't have a phone line yet), and I was his first girlfriend & love at 23...he'll be so upset. I'm not going to tell him yet, because it will hurt too much for him, but I have to tell him before Christmas b/c he's planning to come back just for me. Also, I don't want him to think that I'm breaking up with him because I don't love him anymore..I'm going to say it's mainly because of the distance. So I'll probably wait til mid-Nov. after not responding to his e-mails much, or just briefly. I don't know..I'm just trying to do it as gently for him as possible, beacuse I still really care for him. It would great to still be friends, although I highly doubt that will be possible b/c I know he still has really strong feelings for me. Also, I know that he's not going to accept me breaking up with him, he'll tell me to wait until Dec. when he comes back, he'll probably accuse me of cheating on him, etc. In other words, I know he won't accept it. I know he thinks that everything's perfect, but it's not. I just don't feel the same way anymore..

 

Does anyone have any advice in general? I feel really bad about doing this, because it's only been a month and a 1/2 into the long-distance, and even in my e-mail today I said I really want it to work & such..I just couldn't tell him.

 

I hope someone replies..I feel really awful. Also, some of what I said here might sound rude, but I'm just trying to justify my feelings I guess, just to write all my thoughts out to clarify things, mostly. I'm sorry for the length though, I may edit later..any comments would be much appreciated.

[tea]

If you don't like him anymore, you don't have to force yourself to be with him.

 

The most gentle type of break up is actually telling it to him directly. At least, then he'll know. It may hurt a lot initially, but he'll recover. It's much better than dragging on until he falls even deeper, then tell him, "Oops, I wanted to break up two months ago."

 

Sometimes girls feel like they can't hurt their boyfriends' feelings so they HAVE to stay in the relationship. I think that way too. I know it's very faulty and dangerous though. We shouldn't be with someone just so we won't hurt them. We're not making them more happy, and we're definitely not making ourselves any happier.

 

... fortunately when I feel like I can't break up with him, it'll hurt him a lot... it's always just one of my detachment period, and bf will just wait for it to be over. It happens a lot with me.

[fallen]

That's really tough..I think the way you're planning to go about it is ok though, if you know he's really self-conscious & will take it really hard if you break up with him now (especially since it seems you've been giving him mixed signals.) Maybe after the phone call & e-mail today he'll start to detect a certain distance as well, though, so it won't be so much of a surprise.

 

Good luck with it..I bet it will really hurt him, but he'll get over it soon enough. The fact that he's in a different country might actually make it easier..at least there'll be no contact..

[Lily04]

thanks so much for the replies..

 

so one point for breaking up with him now, one for waiting to tell him..

 

I suppose I could've told him in my e-mail that things weren't working out as I couldn't tell him over the phone, but at that point I wasn't really sure.

 

The thing is that I know there's quite a few guys who are interested in me..his friend probably told him that he noticed that which was why he was so panicky (he just talked with him before he called me. But just because guys like me doesn't mean that I'm going to automatically go out with them..) But I would like to try dating other people, so breaking up now wouldn't be so bad instead of dragging it on I guess. I can't do it after my last e-mail telling him everything's going great though, I'll wait about a week at least..I just feel like this is so conniving, it's horrible.

 

And fallen I think you might be right in that he may realize it as well. He may have even realized it before, which was why he sounded quite anxious on the phone..it seemed like he really wanted confirmation that I still loved him, which I tried to do, but couldn't really express.

[Lily04]

... fortunately when I feel like I can't break up with him, it'll hurt him a lot... it's always just one of my detachment period, and bf will just wait for it to be over. It happens a lot with me.

 

Tea, what do you mean by this? Do you mean that afterwards you realize you don't really want to break up with him, you were just feeling 'detached'?

[acadame]

I think you should break up with him now or soon. The longer you drain it out, the harder it will be for both of you. Plus, if you're ready to start dating already, then don't hold yourself down. And don't feel guilty about doing it..if you don't have feelings for him anymore, you're not obligated in any way to stay together.

[tea]

Oh... I have problems with detachment and commitment. I really shouldn't be in a relationship and I never planned on being in a relationship. =( But then, things happen. ... not always according to what's planned.

 

I went to a really messed up junior high and had very unloving parents. (mom told me she doesn't care about me when I was 10, and she wasn't angry nor was she joking when she said that.) So, end result is PTSD and constant depression... and fear that any bit of being close to people will end up in betrayal. It took bf some time to convince me that he's safe to be around, but sometimes I still end up crying and wanting to break it off. I try though...

 

8) I think I'm making a lot of improvements with how much I trust people, and now when I think of my parents and my junior high I don't end up crying for hours and hours again. All thanks to my beloved boyfriend.

 

He's the first one that pointed it out to me that I don't hate them, I'm afraid of them though. He's right, I'm very afraid of them... if I'm sitting still and someone pet me on my shoulder I'll jump up and punch the person who pet me... if the lights randomly go off I'll scream my head off in fear. But then, everyone had a history, some just don't handle their histories as well. (like me...)

[Lily04]

oh, I'm really sorry to hear that Tea. But I'm glad you're learning to deal with it & that your boyfriend is very supportive of you. =)

 

I've been questioning whether I want to stay with him for a while now & think it's best to break it off..I'll probably end up doing it the first week of Nov. just because I don't have time right now with exams & essays due all at once (I really shouldn't be online at all) and want to do it properly, not a rush e-mail. But yeah, it's probably better to break it off earlier than later I suppose. I still feel guilty, but the fact that he's away will make it easier to bear..

[Mikhail_Scosyrev]

Lily, it is a fairly complex situation.

 

You can ask your boyfriend to call you for a serious conversation and tell him just what you told us. If he is a reasonable person, he should appreciate the honesty. It sure can hurt him, because his importance is challenged and his expectations and feelings are not returned in a way he would want them to be.

 

Sometimes, though, we really should be considerate of others, especially if they are vulnerable and sacrificed a lot for the relationship. Person might have given up his/her time, resources, other opportunities - to be with you, and it's not a nice way to thank them for all these sacrifices by brutally causing them emotional pain.

It is indeed sometimes better to find less painful way, to prepare the other person, in a sense, to help them realize that your relationship is not going to continue the same way anymore.

 

If you put yourself in his position, would you like him to tell you the truth of how he feels about you and your relationship? By telling him the truth, you give him the virtue, you let him know that you respect him and take this seriously by sharing your true feelings with him as a reasonable person and adult.

 

You could, in theory at least, try to smoothen the process by rare responses which will either leave him in doubt and cause more insecurity, or will get him used to be distant from you, which will help with the initial break up.

 

On the other hand, it might be hurtful later to find out that one was ignorant of the true feeling of the other and real state of the relationship. In this regard, it might be more just to inform him honestly and clearly on where you stand.

 

Good luck to you and I hope you come up with optimal solution for both of you.

[arwen]

Dear Lily,

 

I think your feeling of distance is mainly caused by the lack of contact, not by the lack of feelings for him. Of course I cannot look into your heart. Maybe you have read a few posts of me here, I am in a LDR for 2.5 months now. My bf lives in another country in Europe, 1500km away from me. We speak almost daily, mostly on msn because during the week he has no normal phone. I call him once in a while on his cell, using a cheap number to dial it... it's hard. He calls me in weekends, which is so sweet. If there was no msn, maybe I'd feel the same way.

 

In a LDR, you get used to being apart from each other. I start missing him most when I just have spoken to him on the phone.

 

So for you:

* if you really feel that you don't love him anymore, end it as soon as possible. Be upfront &honest about it.

* if you doubt your feelings, and think maybe it's the distance talking, TALK to him about this. Tell him what you told us, about how you never meet online, that you find him so stand-offish, that you have the feeling you are not getting to know him.

 

Because it shouldn't be like that. I spent the last 6 weeks without my love, but we talked so often, that I know him now much better than the last time I saw him. In my opinion, this is the strength of LDR, you lack the physical part and if you stay together, it means an extreme effort on both sides. It sorta proofs the feelings are true.

 

Another thing you tell us, is that for both of you this is the first relationship. Maybe that is a problem as well. I would simply NOT be able to have a LDR, without my experiences with 'normal' relationships. I think it's more difficult because of that.

 

good luck, just follow your heart,

 

Ilse.

[Lily04]

Thank you for both of your advice. Well it's been 2 days since I wrote my boyfriend & he hasn't responded.. I think he's probably questioning if anything's up even if I didn't explicitly state it..as I said before, I mentioned that I wasn't cheating in the e-mail & was a bit offended that he was so quick to assume that and nervous about who I was hanging out with etc..I also said just to make sure he doesn't get his hopes up, I am - not - going to his country because it would screw up my chances of getting into law school (he didn't believe me when I told him which really upset me. I'm respecting his educational choices, but he's more hesistant to do the same for me..) and I also mentioned that I felt there was a distance between us on the phone that I never really noticed (I sorta softened this though, forget how I worded it exactly..) and that I really hope this works out, but it is hard to do long-distance..

 

so..a somewhat optimistic ending, although it is questioning the strength of our relationship at the same time, which I've never communicated to him before. I have a feeling he's going to call me again but I really don't want to talk with him..I feel really bad but I would really rather do it over email. I'm planning on waiting a week or so though..I want to make it as gently as possible, but I'm more convinced now that it's really the right decision. It's not even just because of him, but because I just want to see what's out there. I mean, he IS my first boyfriend, I'm still young & it seems silly to turn down guys when he's not even here and I hardly ever speak with him (in the 2 months we've been apart, we've talked on the phone once & haven't yet talked on msn..and he has access to it from school - he has been talking with friends.) So it shouldn't be that much of a shock to him..but of course, I will be gentle.

 

Thanks again for all of your advice,

 

lily04

[Lily04]

Hi everyone,

 

small update..I haven't broken up with him yet (waay too busy, for one, to do it properly. I have another exam today actually..) but I am planning to do it soon. Especially since I just got a short e-mail from him today saying he won't be coming back for Christmas with a really lame excuse. He didn't even really explain the reason. In any case, I have a feeling that he is lying to me about a lot of things - the school he's attending, his grades, his friends, etc. I'm not going to mention this to him because I have a feeling he feels inadequate and that's why he lied, and he's apparently having a really crummy time at the school he's attending, so it's not like he needs any extra disappointments. However, I am not prepared for this commitment and this just highlights it. I feel disappointed but at the same time a bit relieved that he's not coming back, because I know he'd try to pressure me to go back with him and such.

 

In any case, hopefully everything will work out OK..I'm just feeling really down now about a lot of things (including mid-term exams) and this isn't really helping. But oh well..

[arwen]

Hey lily,

 

Sounds like you postpone an inevitable breakup. I suggest you get it over with. There is never never a good moment to break up, really!

 

Ilse.

[Lily04]

Thanks Ilse. I finally broke up with him last night; it actually went a lot better than I expected. He said that he understood where I was coming from, and respected my decision and would be there for me if I ever needed it, or wanted to get back together with him. He said that I was his first love and the first time he kissed me he knew that I was someone special.

 

So, in any case.. I'm really happy..it appears that he's a bit more mature than I thought. Right now I'm just relieved and ready to move on..I'm not sure if I really want to stay friends but I told him if he ever needs to talk, he knows where to call..

 

Thanks for everyone's help. I believe that some LDR can work, but both people have to be committed and in the right stage/frame of mind for it to work. I just felt that I wasn't ready yet to commit, and I'm glad he understands.

 

Later,

 

Lily04