FOR GUYS ONLY! Please post.

[Sadbri]

In my breakup her 'support system' has doomed me. None of them have a good thing to say about me at all. I took her away from them and they resent that. One of her friends, who has never met me or seen the 2 of us interact ever told her I am not right for her. And she took this advice to heart! My guy friends are all telling me how amazing we were together and she'll come around and her friends are telling her not to settle down because she hasn't dated enough guys in her life yet.

 

If just one of her friends would tell her that I am actually a good guy it would make a huge difference.

[bw92116]

Maybe men should have a female support system for this stuff, since men seem to be incapable of supporting each other.

[Sadbri]

My friends have been awesome.

[TopFive]

To be honest, my boys and my family have been VERY supportive because theyve all beem through similar situations. I just dont cry around them.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I totally agree that ladies 1) have better support systems 2) get a lot more attention from the opposite sex after a BU, which does wonders for boosting the self-esteem. I also agree that guys are expected (by women and men) to just deal with it and show a strong front. Actually, my theory for that is, because Men were commonly needed to do the hunting and building in societies throughout history, they had no time or luxury to sit and sulk. If they fell into a self centered focus then the larger tribe/society would suffer due to their inability to "get over it" and keep performing the tasks needed to protect the tribe/society. Anyway.....just a theory.

 

I found out after my BU that my ex had consulted several of her friends before she dumped me, and supposedly the guy she left me for is a "friend of a friend", which means that one of her friends who knew about my ex wanting to leave me went ahead and hooked her up with another guy (supposedly). Then after the BU, all of the mutual friends we had stopped talking to me and apparently stayed in touch with her. As if to say "You're the girl, so we know you did nothing wrong and need all of the support." I on the other hand, had exactly ONE friend that would even breach the subject of my broken heart. That friend is amazing, and I thank God for him, but I seriously felt like the entire world had turned against me FOR BEING DUMPED. Man, this stuff is harsh!

 

I guess my point is that the "support system" can look a lot like a pack of wolves once you've fallen into "dumpee" status. And we all know what that goes like - "I'm not happy with Mr.___ anymore." "Well you better dump him girl! Don't settle. You can get any man you want. In fact, I know a great guy you should meet." "You're right, I'm dumping him. Thanks for the support!"

[bw92116]

Guy gets dumped, his buddies may just give him a slap on the back and say, "Cheer up bro, we'll find someone nice for you."

Girl gets dumped, her girlfriends gather round and after the hugs say, "We were hoping you'd ditch him. You are so much better off without him."

[robot20]

Freefallfeelin nailed it!

[FYI]

Breakups are hard together. But part of what helps me to get over them is that I never keep in contact with the exes. When it's over, that's it for me.

[Sadbri]

Freefallfeeling and bw are exactly right at least as far as my situation goes. My ex rebounded with some guy her friend introduced her to, even though it only lasted a month. I'm sure as soon as she said she was having doubts they were all over me, tearing me down and making her doubt everything about our relationship. Everytime she expressed fears about us it was after something one of her friends had said.

[TopFive]

TrueCrime i sure learned my lesson about NC. BIG TIME lol

[DerekJason]

I guess my point is that the "support system" can look a lot like a pack of wolves once you've fallen into "dumpee" status. And we all know what that goes like - "I'm not happy with Mr.___ anymore." "Well you better dump him girl! Don't settle. You can get any man you want. In fact, I know a great guy you should meet." "You're right, I'm dumping him. Thanks for the support!"

 

yup until new guy "messes up" and they're onto the next dude thats waiting in the wings like a vulture. its like the friggin' deli line, take a number.

[confused1979]

Breakups are hard together. But part of what helps me to get over them is that I never keep in contact with the exes. When it's over, that's it for me.

 

Your a stronger man than most

 

I can let go when they are with someone else, or when I am but until that happens i struggle big time.

[Ms Darcy]

Sigh, no wonder you guys didn't want women in this thread.

 

I think a lot of interesting points have been made. I will only add a few things to think about. The speed in which someone heals from a relationship is more closely related to dumper/dumpee status than gender. The dumper is often much more likely to get over the relationship sooner than the dumpee regardless of gender.

 

Please do not underestimate the dumper. If a woman dumps you, it's usually because she wants to and not because her friends want her to. Now if a girl's bf is beating her, cheating on her, taking financial advantage of her or something egregious then often times girlfriends will either be neutral or supportive of the relationship. You want your gf to be happy because then you don't have to listen to hours of complaining about the bf! It is usually the dumpee that starts venting about the relationship over and over and over again before friends might get a negative impression of the boyfriend.

 

In my own experience, the reason you get for being dumped ain't even close to the "real" reasons. Just adding that there is often stuff behind the curtain for you to consider.

 

Good luck on healing.

[tness]

In my own experience, the reason you get for being dumped ain't even close to the "real" reasons. Just adding that there is often stuff behind the curtain for you to consider.

 

Good luck on healing.

 

That is true.

Now I started analyzing again

[TopFive]

So what do you mean by this Ms Darcy? That our ex's lied to us? or they just have their own personal problems?

[Mr_LFA]

For you guys who have gotten over REALLY painful breakups in thr past, how are you doing now? What helped you the most to get through it? Do you still think about or keep in contact with your ex?

The breakup with my first love 3 and 1/2 years ago was REALLY painful, but I'm doing great now! I'm single ATM but I'm happy. The biggest thing that helped me get through it was to simply let go of the (false) hope of getting back together (she was also with a rebound). I clung on to it for months and now looking back, I just should have gone NC.

Yes, I still think about her sometimes and then start to reminisce. We don't really keep much contact but for some reason we'll msg each other on our birthdays.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Ms Darcy, you are correct on all accounts. And I don't think anyone is underestimating the dumpers. But what we're talking about are patterns that I think all of us guys have seen first hand. And one pattern is that after a BU (or even before) ladies will acquire a much larger network of support. Another pattern we're talking about is that post BU, guys will receive a lot less support in dealing with the fallout. And this is something I've personally seen over and over. Women are just more connective and supportive with each other.

 

When things break or go wrong, women are more likely to go searching or shopping for a new replacement, and men are more likely to try to sit down, examine it, and fix it. And why would a woman try to hammer it out when there is a constant stream of willing replacements approaching her? It isn't like that for guys. Women typically don't approach guys, ever. So you can start to see why it is more common for women to "leap frog" from one relationship to another. When one relationship starts to get boring or challenging (for some ladies), there is usually a new one not too far from reach. I'm not trying to be chauvinistic. These are just simple truths, and I've had these (cheating / being left for another / instantly replaced) happen to me several times.

 

So you can't tell me that having a much larger support network of people (ladies) that are naturally more sensitive and in touch, AND having a steady stream of attention from the opposite sex doesn't make the BU experience different! I know it's not like this in every case, but in a big picture sense, BU's are different for men and women. Men and women are different. Not only is that okay, it terrific!

 

Much respect to you though Ms Darcy. I know you to give solid advice and I enjoy your posts ;-)

[Ms Darcy]

Oh the breakup experiences are definitely different ... but again I think this assessment of women (in bold) is quite unfair. I have a lot of female friends who are interested in a long-term relationship, marriage, family, the whole nine-yards and yet they spend years with guys who won't commit and leave. But I know despite what I see, in my rational mind, that there are plenty of great guys who want relationships. (I have one of them!) So, maybe it's the location, or the type of guys my friends are going for, or the age of the guys ... who knows. I think, too, you might want to consider this for your so-called pattern. Are you talking about the "hot" girls, young ladies, semi-crazy chicas, and/or women who have a history of high drama relationships. Because then it's not "all women" but the "women you are into." And that's a whole 'nother issue.

 

That (may) mean you (not you specifically) need to be more discerning about who you give your heart to.

 

Much love to you Free.

[Ms Darcy]

So what do you mean by this Ms Darcy? That our ex's lied to us? or they just have their own personal problems?

 

Few people will tell you straight out why they left you. In some ways there is no need to say, "I think you are stupid when you talk," so they may say "Well I am just really lost in my life right now and I need to be alone." People won't say "I think your penis is small" so they may say "I don't feel a spark anymore." People will not utter "You are way too critical and condescending when you talk to me and you rip me to shreds the one or two times I DO try to communicate" so they just say "I feel very depressed and I need to learn how to be independent again."

 

Here is the thing, sometimes the lie is not a complete lie. For the last example, maybe the relationship has made the dumper feel stupid and sad ... so they do start to feel somewhat sad within that relationship. But they won't always tell you how you contributed to that end result. Why? Because human beings are smart and they know if they are straight up with you that 1) that's just mean and 2) that the dumpee will try to talk/argue/fix their way out of it. So often they make it about themselves because you can't argue with that.

[TopFive]

Things like this make wonder if something is wrong with me. Was i not good enough? Will another young woman ever think im amazing? Is this new guy my ex has better than me?

 

I know im a good dude and i have alot going for me, but damn my ego is seriously hurt. And it saddens me thst my ex is happy without me.

 

Women are EVIL.

[C_Unknown2005]

The less you know after the relationship ends the better your off... I wish i knew this a couple of years ago...

[cbx1985]

We men are not only less used to strong emotion, but less interested in the politics of relationships. I've never been down the pub talking for hours about how much such and such loves such and such. Most men (not generalising - expressing average male conversation) just relate to how much sex they're getting, before talking about how Man Utd got on Saturday, how much they get paid, and the capacity of a Ferrari. When I've been out socially with women, they talk about relationships and love a lot more and how their lives are getting along; if I did that around my male freinds, they would call me gay, lol

 

When we are hit by breakup, we don't have a clue. We are not really that interested day-to-day, but now it has hit the top of our in-tray and we are inexperienced in how to react. Whilst, we have no avenue to release this as we would be viewed as weak to express it and we probably wouldn't know how to anyway. So we do stupid things - I visited prostitutes and hit the bottle - and continue to feel like s-h-i-t.

 

Women on the other hand have talked it over a million times and have been convinced 'he was not right, blah, blah.' They have moved on in some degree quicker, though probably with the use of a rebound. However, I think in the shorter-term women have a more acute emotional pain as it is more condensed into a shorter timespan.

 

I think that this will be ever thus. Its just the way we are as people. As the say: Men think; women feel.

[DerekJason]

The less you know after the relationship ends the better your off... I wish i knew this a couple of years ago...

you ain't just whistlin' dixie, man.

[Ms Darcy]

Things like this make wonder if something is wrong with me. Was i not good enough? Will another young woman ever think im amazing? Is this new guy my ex has better than me?

 

I know im a good dude and i have alot going for me, but damn my ego is seriously hurt. And it saddens me thst my ex is happy without me.

 

Women are EVIL.

 

Your ego is leading you astray.

 

There is nothing wrong with you. And that's why it doesn't matter what the girl's private motivations in breaking up with you are. Because a) you don't need another ego-ripping event and moreso b) it's only her opinion. I had an ex say I was weak. I do not think it's true ... it's only his opinion. The larger issue is that we were not compatible.

 

The end of a relationship isn't a rejection, as the ego likes to interpret it. It is the declaration that you two are not a right fit. That doesn't mean you cannot grow and learn from the relationship. It does mean that there is nothing inherently wrong with you.

[markie6]

Right , I know emotions are running high , but one of two things could happen , possibly both.

 

This thread ends up getting shut down becuase it ends up being a gender flame war... " all women are evil " ? and I seriously think you're going to look back on things like that in embaressment

 

It's my ex was evil...... not all women

 

in much the same was I don't appreciate when it's aimed at my gender either

 

You're obviously hurt, been badly treated but please for your sake, and the sake of open , honest and good discussion, think before you type

 

It's your ego... and it is being left to run amock. All you are going to end up doing is getting people block you. That will not help you, just leave less who are trying to help.

Things like this make wonder if something is wrong with me. Was i not good enough? Will another young woman ever think im amazing? Is this new guy my ex has better than me?

 

I know im a good dude and i have alot going for me, but damn my ego is seriously hurt. And it saddens me thst my ex is happy without me.

 

Women are EVIL.