FOR GUYS ONLY! Please post.

[TopFive]

One thing that I have learned is that men and women handle breakups totally different. I appreciate the advice and success stories that women give me on here, but I cannot fully relate because we are just so different and have totally different situations. Quite frankly, women handle breakups WAAAYYYY better then us if you ask me.

 

For you guys who have gotten over REALLY painful breakups in thr past, how are you doing now? What helped you the most to get through it? Do you still think about or keep in contact with your ex?

[DerekJason]

whats up T5, im doing great, the ONLY thing that helped me was time. sure i did stuff that everybody recommends, exercise, reading books on understanding why this or that happened, blah blah blah, but it was time and time alone that really got me thru it. i still think about her, shes a stand up girl, but gone is the notion of ever getting back. there is absolutely zero contact between us. she was defriendified like a week after BU, i cancelled her phone which was under my name, and we have zero mutual friends. it really does help to have zero access to any of these things. good luck man.

[robot20]

Heres my opinion. Its easier for women to move on because they can get a new guy a lot easier than you (a man) can get another girl. We have to work for it. They do not. Guys will come to them. If we want a new girl, what do we have to do? Work for it. Make sense?

 

I have gotten over ex's in the past. You will realize how much better off you are without them. I just got dumped by my gf of almost 2 years. Came home from work and she was gone, before I got home she texted me and said " I moved out this morning goodbye" Pretty crappy huh. Its been 32 days since we split. I think about her constantly... but not so much about the good times anymore. I mostly think about the things she did that I didnt like (ill spare you the details) Dont dwell on it. Youll run your mind in circles! and get no where.

 

Focus on you, live life the way you want too. Being single isnt all bad

[DerekJason]

Heres my opinion. Its easier for women to move on because they can get a new guy a lot easier than you (a man) can get another girl. We have to work for it. They do not. Guys will come to them. If we want a new girl, what do we have to do? Work for it. Make sense?

 

TOTALLY. kinda dumb the way it works.

[TopFive]

Robot20 i feel you to the fullest man. All i think about ia the bad things about my ex AND the fact that she has a new bf.

[Moontiger]

TOTALLY. kinda dumb the way it works.

 

As a (what I have been told) fairly attractive woman I can tell you the only reason women seem to get over break-ups "better" then men is because we usually have a social circle we can go to and cry our eyes out to. Men are "supposed" to keep their emotions inside while women are allowed to go and cry to their mom/best friend/co-worker. Heck in college I went to one of my professors to cry my eyes out after a break up. She was very understanding and we had a nice long girl-talk.

[robot20]

TOTALLY. kinda dumb the way it works.

 

Haha. It is! but hasnt that how its always been? I have only had one girl approach me and wanted to talk to me in my life.

 

Robot20 i feel you to the fullest man. All i think about ia the bad things about my ex AND the fact that she has a new bf.

 

I know its hard believe me.. but she is someone elses problem now. Once they leave: them and all their problems go with them. You dont have to deal with any of it anymore. Thats what I keep telling myself.

[robot20]

As a (what I have been told) fairly attractive woman I can tell you the only reason women seem to get over break-ups "better" then men is because we usually have a social circle we can go to and cry our eyes out to. Men are "supposed" to keep their emotions inside while women are allowed to go and cry to their mom/best friend/co-worker. Heck in college I went to one of my professors to cry my eyes out after a break up. She was very understanding and we had a nice long girl-talk.

 

You're right too. Women usually have a better support system than men. Girls stick together and will be there emotionally for eachother.

[Loveandlost]

As a (what I have been told) fairly attractive woman I can tell you the only reason women seem to get over break-ups "better" then men is because we usually have a social circle we can go to and cry our eyes out to. Men are "supposed" to keep their emotions inside while women are allowed to go and cry to their mom/best friend/co-worker. Heck in college I went to one of my professors to cry my eyes out after a break up. She was very understanding and we had a nice long girl-talk.

 

It is this ^. I am a guy with a large circle of mostly female friends, and when I go through breakups they are at my house, I cry my eyes out, go on and on about how horrible it is and how I don't deserve it, we **** talk my ex a bit.. and they talk me up about how much better I could do then my ex, after a few times of this I'm back and better then ever a month or so later

 

Learn to share your emotions and when negative things happen you don't have to keep it inside, it helps speed the healing process along.

[freadrik]

Hello TopFive,

 

Great post. I have been through two serious relationship breakups and they both sucked. I find that the best thing is to stop romanticizing all the great things you felt about your ex. Stop looking at them as some perfect woman who you cannot replace. Certainly you did things wrong in the relationship. But take a good look at what they did also. For me, I focused on the good times and that is the wrong way to go. Look at the bad things they did that contributed to the demise of your bond. When you really start to look at all they did wrong it helps.

 

Learn, learn, learn. Grow from what happened. Focus on you and what you want. Don't settle for anything that compromises what you as a human being needs. You will be a better man and be more atuned to what it is you want from a relationship. We all do wrong, and your partner needs to be able to accept they are part of the equation.

 

 

So, go out with old friends, meet new ones. Create new memories of your own. Take up a hobby that you always wanted to, or find a new one.

 

In the end, time will heal you. The thoughts of her will lessen. One day you will suddenly find you haven't thought of her all day. She isn't the only one for you. There are thousands of women who will look at you and say "Wow, that is a great guy."

 

In the end, there may be more heartache. But she is out there. That girl who will accept you as you are. And you will accept her unconditionally as well. Until then, love yourself. You are a unique guy. There isn't anyone like you in the world. Look to the future and not the past. Each experience shapes us and makes us who we are. That special woman is out there looking for YOU. When you find her, it will all come together.

[Lateralis]

Gotta fully agree with Derek here in that time is the only thing that REALLY does the trick. It sucks but that's just the way it is. I also agree with the OP in that women seem to get over a breakup much easier. My ex seems to be doing just fine and enjoying her life without me, and I really don't have anyone to turn to and I'm f***ing dying inside.

 

But I know eventually I'll be okay. Just gotta let time do it's thing.

[C_Unknown2005]

T5: I learn to just do random crap. Go out with friends, go to the movies, read a book, stay out of the house and just do things. This might sound crazy (Just got dumped recently) but start making alot of girlfriends and just hang out with them and treat them with respect. The past two weekends have been completely random and it is helping with my recovery.

[secondchance67]

TopFive,

Time is a great healer....so is faith in yourself and rebuilding your self esteem and self worth.

 

Alot of people think that once you start healing, it keeps right on rolling, like a freight train down the tracks.....picking up speed, leaving it all behind you.

 

Don't be fooled.

 

Healing is never lineal - its cyclical....you will "cycle back" thru the stage multiple times over the course of your healing.....just when you think you cried for the last time - BAM - you cry...just when you think you processed the last of the anger - BAM - you are so pissed off that you want to punch holes in the walls.

 

I will give you a personal example:

 

Tonight, as I flipped thru the channels on TV, I caught a small part of a cheesy romance flick on one of the channels; apparently, the woman was reading a letter from the man she cheated on and left....he was forgiving her and letting her know that no matter what, her actions didn't change the way his heart felt, and nothing she did would ever take the love out of his heart..that's how he knew it was real, and a love he knows he will never feel again.

 

Thats all it took.

Tears, rolling down my cheeks, for 15 minutes as it all flooded back to me.....and I am **9 months** out of a 6 year R/S.

 

All you can do is the best you can each day - let it out when it hits you, and carry on.

[hausser]

Heres my opinion. Its easier for women to move on because they can get a new guy a lot easier than you (a man) can get another girl. We have to work for it. They do not. Guys will come to them. If we want a new girl, what do we have to do? Work for it. Make sense?

 

 

Agreed completely.

[bw92116]

Women have better support systems with their friends and are much more comfortable talking with each other about personal things. They sit around with coffee and say what's going on in their personal lives and give each other advice. They act as each other's counselors, therapists and advisers. They even do it on TV (talk shows like "The View" illustrate how it works). So they are able to support and encourage each other and help each other through the roughest times, even if it's only a "shoulder to cry on" or provide a distraction from it. Just being with her friends and laughing helps relieve the pain. On the other hand, men are expected to "go it alone" and are expected to "man up" and just "take it on the chin" and deal with it by themselves. I think that men don't really support and encourage each other and give each other advice, it somehow seems weak or unmanly to even ask for advice. The most men give each other when their friend is going through a breakup is something like "Aw, cheer up man." or "Find someone else." They aren't interested in the details and certainly not interested in understanding or empathizing with the guy's pain. And men are afraid of getting too close, as it's seen as unmanly or gay. So men have to suffer through it in silence or deal with it in some unhealthy way such as drinking to "drown your sorrows" or whatever. I think the support system that women have helps them through the most difficult times of the breakup and post-breakup. Men don't have that, for the most part, so it is harder for men.

[confused1979]

One thing that I have learned is that men and women handle breakups totally different. I appreciate the advice and success stories that women give me on here, but I cannot fully relate because we are just so different and have totally different situations. Quite frankly, women handle breakups WAAAYYYY better then us if you ask me.

 

For you guys who have gotten over REALLY painful breakups in thr past, how are you doing now? What helped you the most to get through it? Do you still think about or keep in contact with your ex?

 

I agree women handle break ups better than us guys. I think it is because they have a close bond with their girlfriends and are surrounded by them when a relationship fails.

Personally my mates just take a get over it approach or do not realize how lonely it can be after a break up when you live alone.

 

I hit the gym a lot and it does help but not as much as people say because while I am at the gym i am constantly thinking about her. It has been 9 months and I am still crazy about her. It is hard for me because my ex contacted me everyday via text (for months) but would not meet. Nine months later I have only sat down with her once 2 weeks after the BU. If I text her she responds almost straight away but still wont meet. I have not even asked to for months and I only respond to her messages now, i do not initiate. The longest period of NC 1month, which was broken by her to ask a meaningless question about the sport I play. She told me she has not had one date since we split and when she noticed some new people on FB said to me i am glad your dating.

 

We have never been bitter with each other, never had an argument with each other, she has always kept in contact with me, she has not dated AT ALL in 9 months. Why will she not meet??????????????????????????????

[confused1979]

Women have better support systems with their friends and are much more comfortable talking with each other about personal things. They sit around with coffee and say what's going on in their personal lives and give each other advice. They act as each other's counselors, therapists and advisers.

 

Well said My ex started to communicate with me in a way that a GF would about 3 months after our BU. She asked if I would like to catch up and suggested she call into my house after she went to her GF's for a bbq. Anyway everything was good until she went to the bbq, then she messaged saying she was tired and going home. She had CLEARLY talked to her GF's and they suggested it was a bad idea Ever since she has never agreed to catch up.

 

I always wonder what things would be like now if she came over that day

[DerekJason]

Well said My ex started to communicate with me in a way that a GF would about 3 months after our BU. She asked if I would like to catch up and suggested she call into my house after she went to her GF's for a bbq. Anyway everything was good until she went to the bbq, then she messaged saying she was tired and going home. She had CLEARLY talked to her GF's and they suggested it was a bad idea Ever since she has never agreed to catch up.

 

I always wonder what things would be like now if she came over that day

 

EFFF the support system!!!!! ha jk, not really. i wish girls would go with their own intuition at times instead of listening to sally (who clearly knows EVERYTHING about you) (sarcasm to the max)

[tness]

EFFF the support system!!!!! ha jk, not really. i wish girls would go with their own intuition at times instead of listening to sally (who clearly knows EVERYTHING about you) (sarcasm to the max)

 

Spot on Derek. After the BU she was surrounded with friends. We had two common friends, both girls, but they talked to her, not me. And I was trying to "fish" what they where talking about, I got this bla bla answers. They talked about everything what has been going on in our relationship, and she got a ton of advice's.

I sometimes feel anger towards this friends, I must admit I called one of this girls when I was really drunk, and gave her in, I know it was stupid, and I sent an sms the next day apologised. After that incident I haven't done the same mistake again.

 

She will have a new boyfriend soon, perhaps she already has a new boyfriend, I don't know. We still have some contact, but I don't ask her about that, It's non of my business.

But me going out finding a new girl will be like a struggle that I don't see happening. Its such a big fight, and when I get turned down, I will only get further down in the mud.

 

 

Life is crap...

[DerekJason]

wow, you still maintain contact? you're braver than i, i guess im lucky in that sense that she split, and never gave a crumb. in fact im grateful that it went down that way instead of keeping in touch.

 

idk i feel rejection from girls i havent had a relationship with is no sweat. on the flip side, rejection from ladies ive been with for a while, is not fun.

[TopFive]

Women are heartless guys lol im still angry my ex has a new guy and we werent even broken up a month. Ive fought myself to accept it and im looking to move forward. Ill let you guys know how that goes.

[markie6]

In the past I would have totally agreed about the support system , and about men not expressing their feelings etc

 

But the internet seems to be changing a lot of that now , all of a sudden we have support from people we don't even really know. Have you even really noticed how many guys are here trying to open up , talk about the rough parts of a breakup ?

 

There are loads of women, who say all men aren't good at talking about their feelings... yet here we are. Who would we be talking to ... if it wasn't for sites like this... ? Yes women do seem to have better support from their real friends, I know I can call on my real friends too

 

When we generalise and say all women are.... or the girls say .. all guys are.... it's all nonsense and should be avoided. It's the blame game , no matter which camp you are from, there are plenty of both sexes right now having the same issues with either gender

[bw92116]

This forum illustrates that men do want to open up and talk about their feelings, even discussing them with other men.

But social norms about how men are supposed to behave, even among friends, really limit that ability.

"Boys don't cry" is drilled into us. And men are just supposed to "take it on the chin" and "be a man about it."

So opportunities in the "real world" for actually expressing feelings and discussing personal issues are very limited for men.

From what I have observed anyway, women are not nearly as limited. They do have opportunities for support and advice from their friends.

[markie6]

Yes bw I know what you mean, but I do think that the rise of the self help book and the internet are slowly changing a lot of those beliefs. But I wouldn't argue that it is easier for women to talk to their friends

 

It won't change overnight , like women working 30 years ago was a tiny percentage compared to now...society is changing. Man is no longer the only breadwinner , sooner or later it will balance out.. until then...

This forum illustrates that men do want to open up and talk about their feelings, even discussing them with other men.

But social norms about how men are supposed to behave, even among friends, really limit that ability.

"Boys don't cry" is drilled into us. And men are just supposed to "take it on the chin" and "be a man about it."

So opportunities in the "real world" for actually expressing feelings and discussing personal issues are very limited for men.

From what I have observed anyway, women are not nearly as limited. They do have opportunities for support and advice from their friends.

[confused1979]

EFFF the support system!!!!! ha jk, not really. i wish girls would go with their own intuition at times instead of listening to sally (who clearly knows EVERYTHING about you) (sarcasm to the max)

 

I couldn't agree more