My Girlfriend cant commit and its destroying us.

[nextstep]

My GF is a commitmentphobe after 5 years...what to do? Post: 1 | Quote:

 

Well heres my story...I have been in a relationship now with a great girl for almost 5 years. Im 33 and she is 30. I feel that over the last few months (maybe 6-8) My GF has been not acting herself. She is hot & cold with me so often that I absolutely dont know how she feels most of the time. During the past 6-8 months our sex life has been sporadic at best. The sex itself hasnt been the best either, lacking the passion of the last few years. I suppose a little history is on order...

 

We met each other while studying IT together at a post graduate program, and upon our graduation moved together to California to join the masses who were going to make their fortunes with the rising dot coms. We actually made out ok during the period that we were there even after the bubble burst. We intially lived together, but she made it clear from the beginning that she wasnt ready for this step, but due to circumstances, she would be ok with it as long as it was or a 6 month term. I didnt want to make her live with me if she wasnt ready, so after 6 months we got our separate places. I lived alone and she lived with roomates she found. We were together all the time though (evening and weekends) and were quite happy by all accounts. After about a year and half of living apart she said she was ready for us to live together again. I was always ready, so we moved in together once again. This is where the trouble starts. During this time, I was VERY heavily into PC video games (one in particular called Warcraft). It totally consumed me, and I really did neglect my gf during this time. She would plead for me to come to bed so that we could make love, (she wouldnt say that, but it was implied). Sometimes I would, and sometimes I wouldnt. Im not sure quite what got into me back then, as I now dont play the game anymore realizing the grasp it had on me. At any rate, she saw me as wasting my life away on this game and became (rightfully so) disenfranchised with me. She lost interest in sex, and just let me do my own thing.

 

We decided to move back to our native Canada after living together for about a year and a half in Calif. She decided to go back to school to study nursing in my hometown, but would first spend the summer with her folks. During the time that the summer went on, I apologised to her about my constant gaming when we were in California, and assured her it was a thing of the past. I have remained true to my word and have NEVER touched it since then. I have also started exercising again and have lost 20lbs, and gained alot of muscle. I am now in terrific shape, I dote on her like crazy, I went all out for her 30th bday, I have a great job, and were it not for what Im feeling I would have proposed to her. Despite everything, I still feel she is keeping me at arms length. Im ashamed to say that in my paranoia about what could be causing this I looked into her email and found notes to her friends that are heartbreaking. She has mentioned to one friend that she does not understand how she can be in love with me and yet choose not to be with me by making a decesion that she knows will end us. Yet this is the way she is feeling now. She also says to her friend she doesnt know why she is the way she is. It made me sick to read that...

 

I have asked her at length as to why she is keeping me distant, and she has no real answers..she says she loves me absolutely, but she cant explain why she rejects me (sexually) 90% of the time when I try to vie for her affection, nor why she would make a decesion that she knows would end us. 5 Years we have been together and I just cant understand this. One thing that helps a little, is that she says that she did the exact same thing with her last BF of 5 years. He ended up cheating on her, so her decesion to leave him was easy. I have not done nor would I do anything of the sort, but somehow...I still feel we are heading in that direction. She confesses she has a fear of commitment and thats why the issue of marriage, kids is taboo between us.

 

Due to our sex lives being almost non-existant, I surmised that she may be having an affair, and again Im ashamed to say have been regularly checking her email. She has never been dishonest with me and I have found absolutely no evidence of anything in terms of someone else being in the picture. She has also calmy assured me that no one else is in the picture. The more this goes on though, the more paranoid I get. I was never like this before and feel like Im caught in this destructive cycle. I dont want this consuming me and I also want to save this relationship if at all possible. Any help at all would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me get a few things off my chest.

[Michael2]

Welcome to the boards.

 

This is a difficult situation for anyone to deal with. The lack of sex, is a huge red flag.

 

Have you suggested couples therapy. If you truly believe in this girl, this is your only option; considering she wont open up to you.

 

My guess, and it may be blunt, but she may be too afraid to break things off with the two of you. 5 years is a long time to be together, she may know in her mind things are over with you, but she does not have the courage to end it.

 

You really need to have her open up. The steadfast emotional limbo will slowly kill you. Hang in there man. If she does not open up, or agree to seek therapy, I would suggest you move on.

[boonpop]

What's up next step, I read your question and what made me decide to answer this was the fact that I see most people decided not to touch it with a ten foot pole. My names boonpop, as you can see and it just so happens nobody touched the question I posed either. All small talk aside, the reason I came to e not alone was because I was in a situation where I loved my girlfriend to death, but just didn't feel like I was in love with her. This is a difficult situation to explain because deep down I know she was the best thing to ever happen in my life, but I couldn't bare to tell her that I didn't feel the way I thought I should feel about her. Now the reason I'm telling you all that is because, maybe, just maybe, your significant other isn't in love with you. I've been in this situation as I expressed, and it's the hardest thing in the world to let a person go after you've spent so much time with them. You start to convince yourself that maybe True love doesn't exist and that it's something you can develop over time, and for that reason you continue to hold on. It's always a lingering thought in the back of your mind and it comes to the point where you began to fight your own thoughts and look for reasons as to why you should leave or why you should stay. Now I'm not saying this is the case with your girl friend, but I can tell you that after 5 years of being with a person, she wouldn't just break off a relationship unless there was a deeper meaning behind it. The fact that you both are in your 30's suggest to me that she's tried love a time or two before, and still hasn't found exactly what she's looking for. I'm even willing to bet that she has ran accross the thought of settling for what she sees working, but questions the fairness of continuing to live a life where she doesn't feel that gut feeling they describe in story books. In my situation, I know that I love my ex, but I also know that I'm not in love with her. It's difficult, the best you can do is spark this conversation with her, and let her expressions afterward do the talking.