When will this feeling stop?

[StarrGaizer]

Hi all, I'm new here and this is my first post. I was with my ex for 18 mo., he was ultra-narcissistic as well as a compulsive liar, porn addict and gambling addict. He was also 15 years my junior. In fact, I dumped him and got back together with him many times because the sex was so hot. I know, shallow and stupid on my part. In any case, whenever I'd end it, he'd come obsessively begging me to take him back. However this time, I really wanted to break it off for good because I caught him in more lies, and the relationship was just totally dysfunctional and unhealthy and I very much want to recover and rebuild my self-esteem and improve my quality of life, and really heal from his habit of choosing really bad guys and addicts. I changed my phone number, and send all his emails to spam, unread. Here's the thing: he hasn't sent me a single email in two weeks now, good thing, right? Well, I'm obviously stupid or sick because I keep checking my spam folder and there's nothing there from him. It's hard to admit but I'm disappointed that I am no longer the object of his obsession, and i am pretty sure he's met someone else. My intellect and good sense tells me to snap out of it because it was a horrible situation and I did not even love him. What is wrong with me? Why would I miss him, or him chasing me? Has anyone else ever experienced this? It's making me doubt my own sanity!

[kittykitty]

I don't have an answer for you. I broke up with someone who was not good for me at all, did not show me respect and was essentially a huge jerk 2 weeks ago and I feel the same. It's like if he came back then i would just feel validated that I am lovable. Looking back, I do not believe that he loved me and that hurts so bad when I tried so hard.

 

I've been through this though - breaking up and getting back together and know he won't change so I know I don't want him back. I just want not feel like all of this time was a waste and that I meant something.

[StarrGaizer]

Hi, yes that's it exactly. Thinking maybe all those "I love you"'s and "I can't live without you" 's were sincere, but maybe thy really weren't after all. It hurts like hell! You know, I fell in love with mine initially but quickly fell out of love and then began to dread his calls and had to drink a few shots of vodka just to tolerate his presence (not kidding). He sucked the life out of me and was just a complete lowlife.

 

Let's keep talking (if you want); this type of attachment is like an addiction, so I'm told...

[kittykitty]

It probably hurts too because that attention is gone. Regardless of how crappy I would feel when he would "forget to turn his phone on" or "leave the phone in the car", there was someone there. But you know what? We BOTH deserve better, time will make this better and we will see that these guys were not worth our time.

 

Now to get the balls to delete him from facebook ... lol

[kittykitty]

Mine was the opposite - I took a LONG time to open up and fall in love. And it seemed like as soon as he knew I was hooked, that's when the criticism started, the hot and cold behavior, trying to push my buttons to make me upset just so he could turn around and say "look at you"! I was such a strong person when we met and he told me that's what he loved about me. Not to sound cocky but I was WAY out of his league look wise and multiple people felt that way, I had my life together and am so independent. I feel like this threatened him and as soon as I was "his", that's when he decided to tear me down and then kick me some more, calling me weak and oversensitive and saying that I overreact. And I believed it.

 

I will not go there again. I am going to be the girl I was before we met and I am going to stay there this time. It's ridiculous to want contact with someone who doesn't deserve it!!! What are we thinking ? lol

[StarrGaizer]

OH Kitty, you MUST! I don't even have Facebook and I am SO GLAD. I even deleted his phone number and ALL his texts (yup, 18 months worth of 'em) and all his emails and all our chats. Yeah, you hit the nail on the head--it's about the attention and "having someone there". I hear you. See, I know all this stuff intellectually but it's like my spirit and heart are wounded, and especially now that he's been silent, I know how he operates and he's probably found a new obsession. I say fine, let him be someone else's problem. I know for a fact that he will drive her away with his creepiness too. I just wish I didn't seem to need or miss the attention.

[StarrGaizer]

What a creepy mean guy!!! You already ARE I mean you STILL ARE the wonderful girl he met! The only thing that changed is the way you think about yourself! He was ABUSIVE. I'm glad you are not with him. He sounds just like my ex-husband! xoxo

[kittykitty]

Funny, this just got me thinking.

 

We broke up for 2 months back in the spring. It was after I deleted him from Facebook that he contacted me - and I know for a fact that he had "stalked" my profile because of a comment he made. I wonder if he is keeping tabs on me that way. When we got back together he told me how ridiculous it was to delete him, why would I if I wanted to be friends. Now I see clearer.

[kittykitty]

What a creepy mean guy!!! You already ARE I mean you STILL ARE the wonderful girl he met! The only thing that changed is the way you think about yourself! He was ABUSIVE. I'm glad you are not with him. He sounds just like my ex-husband! xoxo

 

Thank you. It's really hard to admit it. When I was in the relationship I knew something was wrong but didnt' want to admit that he would do that to me - he said he loved me after all. That is what hurts the most.

[StarrGaizer]

Guys like that are basically controlling creeps. You said you took a long while to fall in love and you didn't listen to or heed the first red flags. I'm reading this book now called "How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved" by Sandra Brown. Maybe he wasn't a physically violent man, but he was emotionally and spiritually damaging to you, as was mine to me. Women always want to give the benefit of the doubt and we want to love and be loved and we usually blame ourselves when things start going south with a guy.

 

I think you should delete him, because he is NOT really your friend. You should go NC and don't look back!! xo

[kittykitty]

Thank you. I just deleted him I sat here seriously asking myself if I want him as a friend. The truth is, I would never let a friend treat me that way I allowed him to treat me so the answer is no, I never want to be his friend.

 

I feel like this will help me because I won't see him online and wonder if he will contact me.

 

I am going to look that book up I've found link removed very helpful too - check it out!

[StarrGaizer]

Good girl!! Woo hoo!! Don't look back because you said it yourself: why would we want contact with someone who doesn't deserve it?! Facebook just makes you wonder and think and ponder and snoop (well, me anyway, when I had it long ago) and stalk. He didn't have what it takes to really love you the way you deserve. Sounds like he's just into the conquest and when he got the prom queen (you!), he turned back into a slimy toad. You trusted him with your true feelings and vulnerability and he couldn't cope. Take a break from dating until you read that book! And time really will heal our wounds. xo

[Mell90]

Believe me u are deff. better of without a liar... I am in the same shoes but the worst is that I am pregnant from him now too.. I am about to break it off. And think about it if he would really love you there wouldn't be a need to lie .. right? Why would u make urself sad all the time because of his stupid attitude.. try to get over him.. hope everything comes the way it's supposed to be

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, I have been there exactly where you are. From the continual breaking up to the getting back together to the final desperate "I'm gonna chew my leg off if I have to, to get out of this deathtrap of a relationship." And yes, even though I ended it for good and even though I blocked him from contacting me my pride was still wounded when he actually finally stopped chasing me. Sick right, since I absolutely did not want him and was like you fed up with his various insanities and bad behavior. The only explanation I have ever had for that phase of the breakup was that even though I knew in my heart of hearts that it was all wrong I sort of secretly liked the fact that someone would be so obsessed with me that he'd chase after me whenever he decided to blow hot instead of cold. That and the fact that I used the drama of the relationship to take my mind off other things that were not going well in my life at the time. So at least for me breaking away from that type of relationship was somewhat akin to breaking a bad habit or even learning to let go of a favored drug of choice.

 

The most important thing to know is that you have taken the best step of your life getting out of such a toxic relationship. Just give it time and be thankful he's lost interest. One day after he's played out whatever little drama he currently is in he might try once again to come back to you. And by that time chances are you'll just be really annoyed that he showed up and embarrassed you ever gave him the time of day. But now is the time for self-reflection and getting your life sorted out, so that you do indeed make better choices in the future. Good luck and I'm glad you chose to walk away, you're smart.

[StarrGaizer]

Dear ParisPaulette:

 

It's so comforting to read your words of wisdom. Thank you so much. I'm going to save them and read then re-read them again and again! I chose to log onto ENA instead of checking my spam folder and I'm very glad I did. You're smart, too, for walking away from your toxic addictive relationship. You are so right, it is just like a drug. Thank you again!!

[StarrGaizer]

Hi KittyKitty, I've been wondering how you're doing, now that you deleted Mr. Wrong from your Facebook. No regrets! I hope you are OK, let me know 😊

[kittykitty]

I am doing good

 

The more I think about it the more I realize that I just miss having someone there. There wasn't really much else that he added to my life other than companionship. It's very sad to admit but I was spending so much time trying to make him love me that I refused to see that he did nothing for me.

 

Deleting him off facebook was the best thing I could have done. It's nice to have the freedom to go on there and not see him or wonder what he's been up to. Out of sight, out of mind

 

How are you doing?

[StarrGaizer]

Hello, just seeing this now. I'm hanging in there. I found some photos of my ex on my laptop tonight and it was a jolt. I deleted ALL of them with my eyes shielded. 😳. I also found tons of beautiful pics of my children and other family member and weddings and such and I realized how much time I spent neglecting them because I was too busy being a fool with another fool. He still is silent and i am glad and whenever I think I miss him I just scream NO, STOP!! in my head and that helps. It's shocking to me how I could have sunk so low.

[Minx2012]

Because people are EGOTISTICAL, HEDONISTIC CREATURES. You stay with him for the following reasons :

 

1. The sex is hot ( pleasurable to you ).

2. His obssession with you when you break up makes you feel adored ( adoration of you ).

 

It's all about me, me, me in this world. Anything that glorifies the self feels great...even when the attention or the stroking comes from a very unhealthy source.

 

And yes, I also went through this...a few times ( and sometimes, it's not always the guy that was at fault. I also did such unspeakable things to guys ).