Ugh why can't I get her off my mind?!

[ThomasP]

I've been a member here for a few months now and have asked about this same girl quite a bit.

Here's a summary of my past posts: Met this girl a year ago, from today. We didn't talk much at first but after about 5 months we starting hanging out, 3-5 days a week. Nothing big, just two friends with some free time. Things got busy with school and work, so for 2 weeks straight we both starting focusing on what was important; school and work. Summer rolls in and we both have a ton of free time. We start hanging out, off of the campus this time. Things were great. We spent a lot of one-on-one time together, just hanging out, getting to know each other more, and talking (went hiking, to the beach, walked around the city, I even took her fishing once). One day she planned a day out with her family and invited me. We all went but her family had to leave, so it was just us 2. The entire day she was extremely distant. After that day, things changed. I had to initiate all conversations, it would take her hours to reply, she never called, etc. This went on for 3-4 weeks. A friend of ours texts me a few days later and tells me she liked me. I called her right away and asked her out. She sounded a bit hesitant, but we agreed to see each other as more than friends.

The next morning I call her to see how things are going, and she suddenly starts playing it off as if we never agreed to date.

We agreed to be friends first, and see where that led. Things were awkward for the rest of the summer. We talked, but not as much. She would call/text me when she needed help with something. We did hang out 2 or 3 more times, but just as friends, and not alone.

The only reason I didn't ask her out beforehand was because I was afraid that if she turned me down, things would get strange and we wouldn't see each other as often. I had a strong feeling she liked me, though. Ironically, not asking her out yielded the same results.

 

Fast forward to present-day: We still hang out on campus. We talk, laugh, workout, etc. Essentially, everything friends do.

I keep telling myself that us being friends is better than never seeing her again.

But, I can't get her off my mind! I keep wondering if she is seeing someone else. I keep wondering what she is doing, where she is, why it's takes so long to respond to my messages, etc. I'm not even sure why all of these thoughts are running through my head. I thought I was over her, but apparently I'm not. We didn't even date, and I can't even get her off my mind.

It sounds pathetic, I know, but it's driving me crazy.

In all honesty, all I want is to get her off my mind so I can focus on school and working out efficiently (yes, both are being affected by her for some reason). I keep telling myself that I won't hang out with her, even as a friend, yet I keep caving in.

Maybe it's the fact that I haven't dated in years (6-7 years now).

The funny thing is, I was completely repulsed by this girl when I first met her. I didn't even see her as a friend at the time; she was just someone I did a few favors for and sat next to.

[John3572]

This is the same thing that happened to me dude. This girl likes attention. She wants you close enough to her but not close enough to go out. Meanwhile, she is going to play the off again on again, maybe I like you maybe I might like you game. Now that she knows that you like her you are at her mercy. She can decide to date you tomorrow or she can never decide to date you and soak up your attention until you get hip to the fact that she is a tease and move on.

 

The fact that she agree to go out with you then backed out is a serious issue. Don't be dumb enough to let her do it again like I was. She backed out, that in an of itself shows that she is a game player. As hard as it may be do to; you need to put her at a distance and keep her there. She doesn't get forever and a day to decide if she wants to go out with you. You are getting nothing out of this situation while she is getting the constant ego stroke of knowing that you like her.

 

It sounds like you have put her on a pedestal. That is your first mistake. I did the same thing. The fact that she hangs out with you and shows you attention makes you want to believe that she has your best intentions at heart. She does not. She is only concerned about herself. I am sure that you are not the only guy that she has hanging on the cuff. When she finally realizes that you are over her she will act like she has no idea why you are upset with her. That's all part of her game, don't fall for it.

 

The reason that you can't stop thinking about her is that she is playing a game of control with you. Also, since you haven't dated in 6-7 years she is the first girl that has peeked your interest. Therefore, you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't do it.

[ThomasP]

John, thank you. That is not only what I needed to hear (read) but what I needed to hear (read).

 

You are entirely correct. Many of her friends are male. She has had many past boyfriends -according to our mutual friends, all 7 of them, she has had "too many" past relationships.

I did put her up on a pedestal, this is absolutely true as well. Lately I've been semi-distant. We talk and she laughs, I still laugh but not as much as before. I'll usually put her "second" to other things; if I'm on my phone texting and she asks me a question, I'll answer her question after replying to the text. Regardless, I am still stroking her ego, that is a fact.

I'm not sure if we would even work as a couple. I am a long-term relationship type person. I prefer being romantic over overly-fun, although I am both.

She has been in 3x more relationships and still has ex's talking to her -although she did mention that she can't stand those ex's staying in touch with her.

 

I suppose the truth is, this whole time I've been wanting that old feeling back. Always having someone to talk to, someone to hang out with, something to do, etc. Her excessive flirting wasn't helping either!

She does still have that high-school girl mentality -texting games for example. This is something that I can not stand.

 

I feel a little better after reading your comment. I won't lie though, the thought that keeps running through my mind is, "Is she with another guy?"

Gah! I shouldn't care so much, I know! But I can't help it.

 

Any more advice, John? And everyone else?

[John3572]

During my experience I would always give Kelly the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for her behavior. If someone would have told me to cut my loses during my two year major crush on her I would have been much better off. When you want to think the best of someone that you like and they do the opposite it is only natural for to defend them in your mind. That was the biggest mistake that I made also.

 

Take her off the pedestal that you put her on. She is no better than anyone else. Her being on a pedestal will also prevent you from seeing any other women that you could become interested in a good light. As long as this woman is in your life no one else will have half a chance with you because you will compare them to her. That's not fair to her(the new girl) or yourself. The best way to get over her is to remove her from your life as much as possible.

 

I am not saying that you should never talk to her again. What a good friend of mine told me when I was going through my situation was to give Kelly a "wide bearth". That meant, do not attempt to make contact with her in anyway. If she contacts you be short and sweet but do not give her any information that will give her something to follow up on.

 

You need to pull away from your friendship with her. That is the only way that you will heal and get over her. Trust me, I know that is a difficult thing to do. For months when I was going through my Kelly "detox" stage every time I would see her or read her name on an e-mail it set me back. However, for my health it was best that I cut her out of my life. You can do it too.

[ThomasP]

Thank you John.

I do suppose that the only way to get over her is to forget any of this ever happened. The only way to do that is to "not remember." And, of course, the only way to do that would be to cut out anything that reminds me of her...and the biggest reminder is of course, her.

I'm guessing the best way would be to just stop initiating contact with her, and to slowly let things die down.

[John3572]

Don't forget that it ever happened. You have to remember it and be thankful for it in order to protect yourself from it happening to you again. Don't fall for a woman before she has been forward and made her intentions known. If you do, like I did, you will be the sucker. Make sure that a woman is going to put as much of herself out there as you did, if not more. By exposing yourself and hoping that she does the same thing you are the only one that can come up short. She is in complete control when that happens. I will never again give a woman control of my heart. I will follow my heart but I will take my brain with me. I feel much better and less like a target than I did before my experience.

 

Yes, the best way to start moving on is to limit the interactions you have with her. I am not saying bring the to a hault. You also don't have to be rude to her or show her attitude. There is a difference on getting burnt by a woman and in turn being a jerk to her and doing what is best for you by changing the way that you behave toward her.

 

Also, be ready for her to change her tune and contact you more when you change toward her. That's exactly what the woman that led me on did to me. Don't fall for it. She will know why you are being different to her. Don't let her act like she doesn't. Trust me, she has done the same thing to another guy that she has done to you. She is a t-e-a-s-e. Don't give her the satisfaction of you being on her list of admirers.

[iBroken]

Wear an elastic band on your wrist and every time you think of her, snap it.

 

Got me out of the habit real quick with my ex.

[ThomasP]

Thanks John. Just read through the 10 pages with your situation (hope you don't mind!). Looks like we were in a similar situation. This girl did put in a little more effort than Kelly, but lost interest quickly. Like I posted in a previous thread, I think it's time for me to get involved around campus and just hope I meet someone doing something I like.

 

iBroken, does that really work? I can't imagine what others would say if they saw me whipping my hands with a rubber band, though

[iBroken]

It worked for me.....my thoughts of her were distracted by the "ouch"

[ThomasP]

Hm, I may have to try it then. Thanks iBroken!

[ThomasP]

Also if anyone else wants to throw in their .02, please feel free to.

I think John and Broken have helped me a lot but would love to hear from others.

[forwardagain]

Why does everyone always focus on the negativity that brought you to the end of the relationship. My girlfriend of 5 years just ended or relationship. I refuse to step back and think of all of the bad things. I am focusing on all of the good and it makes me feel good about myself as I have been able to make a woman like her happy. Think of the good you have done in her life and you will be on a much better start.

[ThomasP]

Forwardagain. Thanks...but there was no relationship...

[ThomasP]

Update: She ended up texting me, asking if I would be at a coffee house studying. I said no, even though I will be going there tonight to study with a friend. There is a girl there who I've had a thing for, but I think she's seeing someone -sigh-.

A smile came on my face when I saw here name on my phone, jeez I really need to get over her!