My Wife had cybersex

[Annoyed Husband]

My wife had cybersex with someone. When I found out, I made it clear that I wanted her to stop having all contact with this person. She agreed when I threatened to walk out.

 

Since then, two days ago, I've caught her on the phone with this other person, emailing this other person, and using IM with this other person. She insists that nothing will come of this, as this guy is on the opposite side of the country.

 

I've not been all that great in our marriage, which I've admitted, but I've been certainly decent recently, and I never did anything like this. What is reasonable for me to request?

 

Should I just walk? I would, except we have a child together.

 

A next step I haven't taken is contact the other guy directly.

 

Any suggestions welcome.

[SwingFox]

Hi Annoyed Husband,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that your having trouble in your marriage. I understand that you feel very uncomfortable in what your wife is doing to you now.

 

Walking out is certainly an option, but I am not sure if that is the right one. I see walking out as a last resort, when nothing else worked. It looks like that your marriage lacks some problems in communication. You have admitted that you haven't been too good in your marriage. You said, though, that you have been doing better lately. Is that also what she says? I would certainly ask her. If she doesn't agree with you, it might be a good idea to ask her what more you could do to make things work (again). See if her needs are compatible with what you can give and if you can compromize on a few things, coming to those issues.

 

As far as contacting this other guy is concerned: I would let your wife solve that 'problem'. Things might turn really ugly when you would bump in, so I'd be a little careful with that.

 

I hope that this helped you on your way and I wish you good luck in making the right decision that works for you.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Gia2Cute4U]

Hello Annoyed Husband,

 

I'm sure this situation is very difficult for you to face. I personally think you should have nothing to do with someone who is out to hurt you like this. How could she do this right in front of you if she cared at all? I don't see how you can stick with her this far.

 

Don't make any threats, make promises. When you say you're leaving, LEAVE. If she thinks you won't than she will continue in her pursuits.

 

Don't put up with this load of crap! It's not worth it.

 

As far as the child you have together, it will always be your child no matter what. But I'm sure your son or daughter would rather have parents that are separated than fighting in front of them all the time.

 

I would not contact this guy that she is communicating with. Leave that up to her, but don't stick around for it. It's too hurtful.

 

I would consider you get a separation, until you know FOR SURE that she will not continue abusing you emotionally and tormenting you with all of this. Than go back to her. Otherwise, stay away, stay far far away.

 

Good luck.

[sisterlynch]

Thank you for coming to enotalone with your relationship issues. It is always good to have your ideas heard by others who are willing to listen and offer their kind advice.

 

I agree with Swingfox's appraisal of the situation, you were used and you deserve your anger. But what about the child in this situation, would you want your child to see that you are angry over this? Isn't it often better to take the moral high ground and to forgive and forget? You admitted that you haven't always been perfect, but who among us has?

 

So it seems that you must have received forgiveness in the past, no?

 

We teach our children our morals more by our actions than by our words. If he sees that it is ok to totally lose himself with jealous rage over one assumed offence, doesn't that give him license to commit any crime in the heat of passion? What was the thing about "for better or worse"?

 

 

After a big disappointment, it becomes easier to disappoint, but is it any more right? We need to build up our communication skills as a community rather than tear appart nuclear families over perceptions of deception. Surely Regina, you see the evidence for that?

 

When men divorce, they tend to have more substance abuse problems and tend to play the field more so than when they were young. Both of these activities will leave you feeling empty and more depressed in the long run than the easy solution of forgiveness of your spouse's offence.

 

If you have done wrong in the past and she has forgiven you -- then don't you owe her an equal share of common curtesy? Or were you only waiting for her to make a mistake so that you could tear apart a marriage and a child, because the children of divorced couples are even more confused than the average child. They do worse in school and have more difficulty with trust issues in their own relationships.

 

Annoyed Husband, build up your relationship with your wife rather than tear down, that is just my opinion, and thank you for listening.

[DealingWithIt]

Hi

 

I think that you should have a serious talk with your wife and have her make her decide what she wants. Some people may not consider cybersex as a form of cheating since there's no physical act but it does

affect them on an emotional level. Ask her how she feels for this guy and do you think she is willing to work on your marriage. If not, then maybe you should take a break from her. Don't make any contact with her at all. I know its painful that there's a kid involved. But do you think its worth staying in an awful marriage just so your kid will grow up having both parents together? How about your happiness?

 

Good luck and hope things will work out for the best!