Personal Life - In Need of a Change. (long post, sorry)

[Pyralis]

Hello.

 

It's been a while since I last posted on this forum, but I find myself in need of some advice and this forum was the first thing that came to mind, so here goes nothing…

 

I think I'm in need of a change. I feel as if my personal life is going nowhere and I'm getting sick of it. Every day I come home from work and I end up staring at a TV, computer screen, or the same four walls until I go to bed and wake up the next day, only for the same pattern to repeat itself over and over again. I'm getting tired of this sad, lonely, pathetic existence that I've fallen into, and I want to do something to change it, but I don't even know where to start.

 

All my life I was a social outcast. I was always the loner at school. The only friends that I have are from high school and I don't even get to see them anymore. One is working over-time every week and has no spare time to do anything, another moved to a city over 500 km away and the other I've lost contact with completely. Since I'm so underdeveloped socially compared to others my age I find it difficult to make friends easily.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. Many of the people I work with have noticed how very depressed I've been and have suggested that I should get out more and have some fun. They have suggested that I should go to clubs and bars and such, but the thought of going to a crowded, loud bar or club scares me. I'm more of a quiet, hangout with friends kind of guy. I think that such an environment would make me uncomfortable. Since I feel as though I have no social skills, that would be like taking a kid who has never learned how to swim and tossing him into the deep end of the pool.

 

I don't know. Does anyone here have any suggestions for me? Does anyone know of any good ways to get started to get out and meet people and have fun without "going off the deep end?" If there are any members on this forum who are from the Kitchener, Ontario area, or are familiar with it, feel free to make specific recommendations if you know of any good places. Also if you have any questions about me that you feel will make your response more helpful, or if you need me to elaborate on something, please feel free to ask.

 

I really need to put an end to this daily misery; any help and/or suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thank you so very much for having the patience to read through this long post and thanks in advance for your reply.

 

 

Sincerely,

Pyralis

[foolish]

Hello, I would rather be in your situation then in mine right now. Refer to my post I just sent like 5 minutes ago (Too Much Drama). Your situation is not as hard as you think. I was a little social phobic when I graduated high school and lost most of my friends too. I just basically started to do things like work out at the local gym cuz you can always meet people there. I know how it is when you want to go out to a club or something and you don't have anyone to go with or stuff. See I grew up with 3 sisters so it made things a little easier for me to go out and have a good time. What you need to do is find a hobby. Isn't there anything that you find any interest in doing? Bowling, golf, school, working out? I promise you that if you do any of those things you will start to meet people and things will get better. I just have a question though, did you just get out of a relationship at all? That could really screw people up mentally.

[ayekasong]

Hey there! Your situation sounds exactly like the one my best friend is in. She doesn't have too many friends, and I just moved accross the world, so she feels completely alone.

 

She's trying to get out and make new friends by taking classes and visiting old friends that she didn't keep in touch with so well. What sorts of interests do you have? There has got to be a club somewhere near you that you can join and meet new people. Are there any classes at a local community college or education center that you'd be interested in? That is always a great way to meet people with similar interests. Another thing I've heard of working is just going to a coffee shop and having a drink, read the paper or something... I've heard of others meeting this way but I've never tried it myself so... yea lol.

[Pyralis]

What you need to do is find a hobby. Isn't there anything that you find any interest in doing? Bowling, golf, school, working out? I promise you that if you do any of those things you will start to meet people and things will get better.

 

I do have interests in cars and car and home audio and video. I also have an interest in computers and went to university to study computer science.

 

I'm currently saving for a down payment on a new car so I have very little extra spending money to go around. Most of it goes into a savings account. I have some plans already to do some customizing to the car when I get it, nothing too crazy though. I'm a member on a web forum for a local custom car parts store. They have meets every once in a while, so maybe I'll attend a few of those in the future.

 

Other than that I'm at a loss at the moment.

 

I just have a question though, did you just get out of a relationship at all? That could really screw people up mentally.

 

Actually, yes. I was in a long distance cyber relationship that lasted about 3 months. It was her decision to back out of the relationship because she had too much going on in her life at the moment. It was the waiting that bothered her. We even had plans of meeting each other in person. I still consider her a close friend but I hardly hear from her anymore. It's been tough trying to let her go, but I find myself thinking of her almost every day. It's been about 3 weeks since she called it off and it's probably going to take a very long time to get over her.

 

Another thing I've heard of working is just going to a coffee shop and having a drink, read the paper or something... I've heard of others meeting this way but I've never tried it myself so... yea lol.

 

Actually, that does sound very nice. I don't know about it working too well, usually most people who go to a coffee shop go for the coffee, not to meet people, but then again I'm pretty clueless when it comes to social situations. lol. I guess I should give that a try one day. There is a place near me called Williams Coffee Pub. I've never been there before; maybe I'll try it out.

 

Thank you for the suggestions Foolish and Ayekasong. Please keep them coming everyone. And don't forget, if you have questions, just ask.

[Mun]

Hi,

I just wanted to suggest something very simple. Go to each and every function that others ( like co-workers) invite you to. Don't stay at home. Go to their get togethers, parties, bbq's.... whatever. You will meet people there and you could happen to meet someone who is into the same things you are.

[Bestinclass]

I went through the same sort of thing when I first moved here. The suggestions about going out and about are good. It's easier when you have something in common - like a hobby.

 

You might want to try taking some courses, maybe digital photography? Volunteering is also a good way to meet people. I don't know if you have public broadcasting, but US stations are always asking for volunteers, or community theaters.

 

Work is good too, if you have a group that hangs out together. The important thing is get out, even if it feels strange to go on your own at first. Good luck!

[Pyralis]

Hi,

I just wanted to suggest something very simple. Go to each and every function that others ( like co-workers) invite you to. Don't stay at home. Go to their get togethers, parties, bbq's.... whatever. You will meet people there and you could happen to meet someone who is into the same things you are.

 

That's a very good suggestion Muneca; unfortunately that's part of the problem too. I don't spend every night alone in my dungeon (that's what I call my rec. room) by choice. It's only because I'm at a loss for having somewhere to go or something to do. Believe me, if my co-workers, or anyone else for that matter, were to invite me to come along with them somewhere after work, I would probably jump at the chance. The only exception I would make would be if I felt that it would make me far too uncomfortable, such as going to a loud, obnoxious nightclub or to a strip bar or something like that.

 

Unfortunately over the three and a half years that I've worked at my current workplace, not a single co-worker has invited me to do anything, or go anywhere after work. Sometimes I feel as if I'm invisible. The only reason I think that my co-workers were getting concerned about my depression was because it was affecting my work performance. I'm beginning to believe that not a single one of them gives a **** about me on a personal level. The only time I've been out with any of them after work was if the outing was for a work related reason, like a staff meeting or something. Never just for the sake of hanging out and having a good time. Plus I don't like to ask them to come along anywhere if I hear them talking about going somewhere after work. I feel as if I would just be imposing myself on them. It feels pretty pathetic when you have to invite yourself along.

 

Thank you for the suggestion Muneca, it is very much appreciated. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to put it to use.

 

You might want to try taking some courses, maybe digital photography? Volunteering is also a good way to meet people. I don't know if you have public broadcasting, but US stations are always asking for volunteers, or community theaters.

 

That's a good idea Bestinclass, I'll add those to my list of things to look into. I don't know about public broadcasting or theatre though. I'm a pretty shy guy. Getting up in front of an audience frightens me. lol.

 

These are some pretty good suggestions everyone, thank you very much. Please keep them coming if anyone has any other good ideas.

[Bestinclass]

What I meant when I mentioned those was more along the lines of helping out generally - thought maybe your computer experience might come in handy. It's really just about finding a group that you like handing out with.

 

But, who knows? Being around that atmosphere might unleash your inner ham!

 

[Pyralis]

What I meant when I mentioned those was more along the lines of helping out generally - thought maybe your computer experience might come in handy. It's really just about finding a group that you like handing out with.

 

But, who knows? Being around that atmosphere might unleash your inner ham!

 

 

lol, oh, okay. I just misunderstood there. Sure, just helping out in general would be cool. I don't know about "unleashing my inner ham" though. Thanks for the clarification.

[janeke1]

Pyralis - I read your post and I thought about it for a long time. It seems to me that you are not only unhappy because friends are not around, but because you need a life change. The years after high school are hard because friends drift away, but usually people make new friends through college or work. If you are not making friends at work, it is often because you have a job that does not reflect your interests. (Example: after high school I worked as a secretary at a tax accountant's. He was an old guy whose wife came in to work periodically. It was a very family-like setting. He had an old partner and old clients. It was a very bad winter and I was new to town. I spent a lot of money on long distance calling friends back home.) I didn't want to work in the tax world, so I got a job at a video production company a year later, and met people who, like me, liked to go out and see movies, or have dinner and drinks, etc. I have had many jobs since and have always found that my social life is better when I am in a situation that at least somewhat reflects what I like to do. Another option is going back to school. School is very enriching, and may force you to come out of your shell. You will also make friends and education increases your options in life.

 

Hope this helps,

Jan

 

p.s. can anyone tell me how to block these annoying pop-ups?

[Pyralis]

Thank you for posting, Jan. I thought that this thread had died out. I know that I need a life change. The problem is building up enough courage to actually do something about it. I've been depressed for quite a while now and have pretty much lost all confidence in myself to make a change for the better. I've gotten kinda comfortable here in my rut and I fear that if I try to change anything, I'll just end up upsetting the balance and end up making things worse than they already are.

 

I was a university student from fall of 1999 to spring of 2003. But due to family and personal financial problems, and my ever-present depression causing my marks to plummet and causing me to even fail some classes. I decided that I needed a break from school and made my part time job full time. I've been thinking about going back, but I need to wait until the course I need to take is available again, that may not be until next year. I've already failed that course twice already. Of course there is the fear that I may end up slipping back into depression which will probably end up affecting my academic performance again.

 

I'm also afraid of trying to change jobs because the one I have is stable. If you were to have asked me about 5 years ago where I thought I'd be right now, I can definitely tell you that I wouldn't have said "working at Jiffy Lube." But since the job is secure and I know that they have no plans of getting rid of me any time soon. I've stuck around. Originally the job was just supposed to be part time to make some extra cash for school. But I ended up going full time and I'm now paying half of the rent on a townhouse along with other expenses. I live at home with my single mother and I'm scared that if I try to make a job change, and if it doesn't work out, I'll be without an income, and my Mom's job doesn't pay enough for her to pay all of the rent by herself. So I'd end up messing up both of our lives.

 

I dunno. I feel as if I'm stuck at the moment. Do you have any ideas?

 

 

About the popups: If you have recently upgraded to Windows XP SP2, Internet Explorer should have a built in popup blocker. It's not perfect, some popups can slip through every once in a while, but overall it's pretty good. If you are not using Windows XP or are using a browser other than IE, there are plenty of popup blocker programs out there to choose from. Try searching for some at sites like link removed. Also, this may not be the case, but you may have some adware on your system that may be popping up windows with ads. You could try a program called link removed[/i] Personal to remove adware and spyware. It's a pretty good utility program.

[janeke1]

Pyralis - All changes involve risk. You have to be willing to take a chance. You may be thinking, "Easy for you to say" but trust me, I have definitely experienced some down and out times and I know what it means to go without.

 

Still, there is your soul to consider. I hope you don't mind me saying this, but it is clear to me you are too smart for jiffy lube. You probably already know that and I would guess that is part of the depression. I think that it is really important to have things to look forward to in life, so sometimes you have to create those things yourself. (Besides that, you are probably bored out of your mind at work and being bored just leads to depression.)

 

If leaving your job is too risky financially, you might consider going back to school even if the class you want is not available. Sounds to me like you were close to getting a degree - there must be other classes you still need to take.

 

Don't be afraid. I actually dropped out of college the first time because I was depressed and failing. I actually thought I wasn't university material for many years. Once I realized that school might be the only way out of dead-end jobs, I put my mind to doing well. School became a pleasure and I got good grades because it satisfied the part of me that being a waitress or secretary did not. I worked full time and went to school full time. I don't know how I found the energy but I did! I began to feel a lot better about myself because I was accomplishing something. I did become more social and outgoing because I had a lot more confidence.

 

I know it's not easy. You are young (to me at least) and you have the responsibility of helping your mom out. That says to me, however, that you are obviously a really capable, responsible and intelligent person. Now you need to take those qualities and focus on making a better future for yourself.

 

Again, hope this helps!

 

Jan

 

P.S. Thanks for the pop-up info. I'll give the adware stuff a try!

[Pyralis]

Hey, Jan.

 

You have been a very big help, thank you very much. I really am considering going back to school next year. I know that I have to pick up a credit for MA240, which is a probabilities and statistics course. But I think I really should go in and talk to a member of the Physics and Computing department to be sure that I'll be meeting all of the requirements of my program. I know that MA240 won't be offered again until next year or maybe during spring term or intersession. Either way it'll be a while until I'd get back in. When I do register I'll also have to fill out a request to re-register form along with an intent to register because I haven't completed a course in over 18 months.

 

About the job at Jiffy Lube, I know that I'm too smart for that job. I am the only person left there from when I first started. Everyone that I started with has either quit or has managed to get themselves fired. I have no idea how you can possibly get yourself fired from such a simple, straightforward job as Jiffy Lube. We've gone through so many idiot employees it amazes me. lol. I know that Jiffy Lube is beginning to wear on my nerves. It's so very repetitive and there is very little room for advancement. I could move up to assistant manager and then manager, but it's too much of a headache for not enough pay. Also not to mention the endless barrage of unappreciative customers who would rather spit in your face than smile at you. It's amazing how many people think that you are trying to rip them off when all you are doing is informing them about the manufacturer recommended service intervals for their vehicles. They don't trust me because they think that I'm making a fortune on commission when in fact I don't receive a single dime for anything I recommend or sell. But I have to do it anyway, because it's my job to help customers maintain their vehicles. (sorry, I started to rant there. lol) I guess I really should keep my eyes open for new opportunities. That way I can at least say that I'm not working at Jiffy Lube anymore. I'm pretty sure that I could do much better. Hmm, I wonder if McDonalds is hiring… (just kidding, lol

 

Once again, thank you very much for your help, Jan. It's very much appreciated.

[arwen]

Hey pyralis,

 

I recognize a lot, although I do have a lot of friends etc. My patterns are different but have the same result: I feel pathetic an alone. Let me first describe my daily routine... I am graduating at uni, and writing my MA thesis. This means me at home all day, day in, day out. I go to work in the evening for a couple of hours, 3 or 4 times a week. I come home and watch tv. I get up in the morning and start with my sporttraining, and then hellloooo there is my lonely desk again. The side effect is my longdistance relationship. My guy is away all day in class and I leave for work as he comes home. Nonetheless, I sort of blame him for not paying enough attention to me (I never tell him, but in my head I do LOL). It's not because he is not there for me, it's that he is busy outside of home and I should be busy inside my home.

 

I read in your mssg that you have hobbies. But they all seem sort of 'loner' hobbies to me. I have found much of a social life since I joined a swimmingclub for students. Find a hobby that means meeting other people (so, probably no computers...). Sporting and exercising are excellent ways to fight depression. I have been depressed for 2 and a half year in the past. I was no more than an instable mess. I couldn't go out of bed except for work. I got delayed in my studies. When I started swimming I noticed that I felt better about myself. But DO join some club when you decide to sport. You will meet people who share an evening, go for a beer afterwards...

 

Another idea is to do volunteer work. Maybe clean elderly peoples homes, or do grocery shopping for them. Maybe you can become a buddy for homeless people.

 

good luck,

 

Ilse.

[janeke1]

Dear - If you are a Physics and Computing major, then we know you don't belong at JL! If you can hack it though, stay there and make them work with your school schedule. You are probably the best employee they have and they would be stupid not to accommodate you.

 

Glad I could be of help!

 

Jan

 

P.S. 90% of your customers will be a pain in the a**. However, if you do meet some cool ones, grab their business cards. I got my first job out of college from a regular customer who thought that since I was such a good waitress, that I would probably be a good employee at his production company. He turned out to be a majorly awful boss (I liked him much more as a customer) but the job was a really good stepping stone.