Wife is Cheating and don't know how to handle

[tigger]

I have gone nuts the last 6 weeks thinking that my wife was fooling around. I had asked her several times with the same old answer "no, there is no one else". Her family has all the same history of doing the same thing. I want to save my marriage first of all. Second, I now have the proof that she has feelings for somone else. Third, I am know in the mode to get my ducks in a row finacially and emotionally to be able to handle what is going on. I guess I need advice on the following questions.

 

1. How to confront her with this info?

 

2. Are e-mails enough ammo to get her to admit the situation? They say "I love talking with you; I like being with you, I wish it were more"

 

3. He lives in another city, She has made plans to go be with him, while I watch the kids. How do I avoid this from happening? or should I let her go?

 

4. Someone told me to just let her do her thing and give her enough rope to hang herself. should I?

 

5. Should I send an email to him saying that a private investigator is watching his every move, being that he is married also?

 

Last one

 

6. Should I Send her a email that says that a family friend has proof that she is cheating and that she needs to admit to it and resolve the issues at home before doing this to the family or the proof will be sent to her husband?

 

I know that I'm not a perfect person, but I have always been faithfull and have given this women everything I can to make a happy life.

 

Thanks for the help!

[giggirl]

dont even do that

you should talk to her and tell her how you feel and let her know this is hurting you, she's probably just lonley. its not good to keep it bottled up

the thing is you have to make sure both of you are happy together

and it seems you probably dont talk to each other,

 

sorry if im misinterpreting

but it seems to me you should really talk to her before its to late

 

I hope things work out and whatever way you go about just remember

you that you love each other

[SwingFox]

Hi Tigger,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that everything is so very confusing for you right now. I understand that you're wife is talking to another man and seems to be very close to him.

 

I believe that sending him or her e-mails doesn't help you. My suggestion is that you focus on thinking in what you allow and don't allow in your marriage. Is this just a friend or is it more. If you claim to have e-mails from him telling her that "He likes being with her" then I find that going a little too far. giggirl made a good comment on the e-mails, too. She might have sent them to herself from a 'strange' account, in order to make you jealous. Anyways, I am speculating a lot right now. That's where you have to butt in and make it work. Just be sure that you know what YOU want first. So that you have a set of boundaries that you go by.

 

I hope that this helps you on your way and I wish you good luck. I hope that you and your wife will be able to save your marriage.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[ezila]

First of all, what kind of "proof" do you have? Do you think (or know) that she is actually physically inolved with someone else? Or is it perhaps just an emotional attachment?

 

Secondly, what is going on between the two of you? Has she shown signs of being unhappy? Have the two of you discussed divorce or separation before?

 

1. How to confront her with this info?

 

I think that would depend upon what kind of info you have.

 

 

2. Are e-mails enough ammo to get her to admit the situation?

 

No. In the first place, regardless of what she's done, or what you think she's done, reading her email is an invasion of her privacy, and she's likely to be pretty upset about it. The likely result is, whatever conversation you try to initiate using her email as "ammo", will get convoluted by your own (somewhat) untrustworthy acts, and probably just make the conversation even LESS constructive.

 

 

3. He lives in another city, She has made plans to go be with him, while I watch the kids. How do I avoid this from happening? or should I let her go?

 

How do you know that she's going to see him? Did she tell you, or did you find out by reading through her email correspondence with him? If it's something she's told you about - in an "I'm going to see a friend" context - then I would openly and honestly tell her that it makes you uncomfortable. If it's something you weren't supposed to know about - if I were you, I'd plan a romantic getaway that just happens to coincide with her plans. But that's me.

 

 

4. Someone told me to just let her do her thing and give her enough rope to hang herself. should I?

 

It depends - do you want to save your marriage, or see her get hurt?

 

 

5. Should I send an email to him saying that a private investigator is watching his every move, being that he is married also?

 

No. His relationship with his wife is none of your business.

 

6. Should I Send her a email that says that a family friend has proof that she is cheating and that she needs to admit to it and resolve the issues at home before doing this to the family or the proof will be sent to her husband?

 

No. Eventually, she will find out that it came from you, and it will likely cause more problems.

 

I can probably give you more useful feedback once I have a little more background info. I don't mean to sound harsh with any of these answers; the bottom line is, whatever issues or suspicions you have, you need to confront them head-on - being sneaky will only cause more problems.

[Dee Dee]

Ok, this is not your traditional advice. Give her reason to be jealous. That doesn't mean you have to be disloyal. Stay late at work. Start wearing new clothes, losing weight, new cologne, staying out a little later than you need to before going home, or whatever. Join an athletic club, and focus more on yourself rather than on what you think she is up to. People who cannot be trusted don't trust others. However, in all this, make sure if she checks up on you that your story checks out to the "tea." This would possibly rekindle the relationship and trigger those old feelings in her. Quit accusing her and asking her something you already know the answer to. Don't follow her or any of the things you proposed. She would hate you for it. But make sure she doesn't get away to meet him. Tell her anything--you have to work--or whatever it takes to keep her from that initial meeting. When she comes to you for attention, however, always give it to her and act like nothing is wrong. IE, put yourself in a position of being challenged and pursue it the same way you would have before you married her. Throughout it all, don't be angry or passive. Tell her how beautiful she is, bring her an occasional gift that is special, and take her out to spend quality time together--but don't try to come on to her. Make her come on to you. If you insist on using the e-mail, use it to your advantage. Go somewhere and contact the man as if you are another woman, trying to lure him in another direction. How do I know? I was that disloyal one married for 30 years and dated him for 7 and half years. If he had done this for me, I would still be there. I did not feel that he gave a "flip" and was very passive. Are you that same man? P. S. I quickly grew weary of the one with whom I thought I was in love. Hey, you might even try a little flirting in front of her.

[sisterlynch]

I like all of the suggestions so far, but I think that the two of you could try some counseling. She probably really wants you to stop her from hurting herself, but she has seen so much dishonesty in her family she doesn't know how to behave.

 

I really don't think that you can prove that she is cheating just by looking at her emails. If the two of you can spend quality time together and she doesn't seem apprehensive then it probably is just a crush or a curiosity.

 

I hope that things work out for the best. Just for the record: the divorce rate is 62%, more people remarry than marry. I hope that you find it in your heart to do the right thing.

 

Another suggestion, if many people in her family are cheaters, pick one and ask him or her to have a heart to heart with her so that she can get some things off of her mind! She may need some counseling on her own.

[Tellin It Like It Is]

Well, I like what Sister Lynch had to say, as well as the non traditional advice from the poster above her. Listen, she is living in some sort of escapism fantasy world. Whatever she is doing is because she's bored, or anxious. This will sound weird coming from ME, but confront her. Print the email, tell her it isn't appropriate to carry on like that with someone. "Wishing it was more" is evidence enough that her head is up her rear end, so you don't need much more. Tell her she can take it or leave it, but if she takes it, you want to work things out in counseling. It's not too late, but you guys will have to commit to alot of work to get out of this setback. Good luck to you.

[DealingWithIt]

Ask yourself if you can forgive her for cheating on you. Do you think you can still trust her? Do you think your marriage will still work? Do you think she'll change?

 

If not...why not confront both of them. If you know where and when they're hooking up....get the other guy's wife and bust them both.

 

That will teach cheaters a lesson.