NC/BU recovery journal

[Your Prince]

This is going to be my journal. It's probably going to be boring since ill just be describing my thoughts & daily events in detail, or perhaps not in detail. whatever suits me at the time.

 

So I was at work today, & my ex came in to pick up her last check. I had a miniature panic attack in my head. I didn't expect to see her at all. This is how the conversation went:

 

ex: hi

me: hi...

ex: who's the manager right now?

me: (Manager) is working.

ex: can I go talk to her?

me: yeah

 

Then I stood there staring at her until she said "what?" then I would look down or at other things. My mind was racing with thoughts; What should I say? I noticed she brought her friends.. Why is that guy staring at me? Are they dating now? There were so many things I wanted to ask her & say to her, but I managed to only say:

 

me: How are you?

ex: good

 

She spoke to the managers & got her check

 

me: why didnt you get it in direct deposit?

ex: because I lost my bank card, & I had to get a new one.

 

this made me smirk because just a few weeks ago I offered to fill her car with gas if she would pay me back. Whenever I realized I had forgotten my PIN # she started ranting to me about how no adult would ever do that & thats why my mom doesnt treat me like an adult even though I think I am mature... etc. Hypocrite.

 

I saw that her check was $100. I didn't expect her to pay me back my money, but I asked her anyway

 

me: Do you plan on giving me my money back?

ex: Well, I only have $100, so if you want to take the whole check...

me: No whatever.

 

then When she was leaving, i stared at her & when she looked at me I quickly turned away.

 

I spoke to my mom about it & she said she saw my ex at the dollar theatre with a couple of guys. These are some of her drug friends. They're like 14 & 16 or something & shes 19. IDK if she's dating them, or just the older guy, or neither, but the 160yr guy kept glancing/staring at me when I saw him, so i'll just assume thats her new FWB. My mom assumed she was dating them & was talking about how gross it was.

 

My mom told me that a week earlier she had tried to invite my ex to coffee so they could discuss my ex's life choices, how she's doing, etc. My ex keeps telling my mom ok, but she told me before that she doesn't want to talk to my mom, because she wants to deal with it on her own. I told my mom this & she said that was just an excuse to keep using & get the people who want her to stop to leave her alone.

 

So back to 0 days for NC

[Your Prince]

I thought about her all day. I usually wake up whenever someone opens the front door to my house, or my dog starts barking. I always have the first reaction, "it must be her". But then I come to my senses in less than a second, & feel both reassured & disappointed. Whenever I go out, I look at all the cars to see if hers is anywhere nearby. When I see a car that looks like hers, I stare at until it come close enough for me to realize it's not her. My family keep telling me how strong I am & how proud they are for me standing up for myself & not letting her step all over me. It still hurts though. Hopefully in 2 weeks ill get another job, so I wont have to see anyone she knows.

 

I got to the point today where I dont know if I even want to wait around for her, even if she does change. Not saying I don't but what's to stop her from donig the same thing all over again? Why should I let her break my heart three times? I miss the good times I had with her, but then i think of what she is now, & how she treated me that past couple of months, & I dont regret NC.

 

1 day NC

[Your Prince]

Its been several hours since the last post on this thread. I've come to the point where I feel good about myself & remember that I don't need her. Me thinking I wanted her was just a mirage that she created. If I never hear from her again, I won't put up too much of a fuss. Maybe, somewhere down the line, if she changes her ways & sincerely admits to her faults in the past, then I could consider being around her again. Either way, it's just me. My only hangup at the moment is getting back my money. I'd like that money back. It's not even a birthday present if I paid for it. I bet i'll have a few more sob sessions, & of course I still have her picture in the back sleeve of my wallet, to remember the girl I loved, but that's just a spark. I don't need a fire..not from her anyway.

[Your Prince]

I've been speaking about my situation to someone who knew both of us for a while now. She keeps telling me that from what i'm saying, it seems like my ex cares about me, but cares much more about herself,& is too immature to have any real commitment. She just wants to be able to do whatever she wants with no thought about the consequences or what it will do to others. I wouldn't be surprised if there were two parts of this girl fighting each other. One side wants to change & be with me, but the more powerful side is going to make her choose a ruinous life over having to take responsibility for her past & trying hard to change. I just wish she would have told me who she really was from the beginning. That way I wouldn't have fantasized that she's someone who she will likely never live up to being.

[Your Prince]

Just got sick when my girl entered my mind again. I feel nauseated, like im going to throw up. For a day or two, I felt like I had started to get over her, but the thought of her lying to me, ****ing other guys, doing drugs, & generally having no respect for me just hit me like a ton of bricks. I still can't say for sure how I feel about her in full. All I know is that she's made many many poor choices that have hurt me & will continue to hurt me for a long time. I don't know if she cares about me or not. I don't even know if its relevant, considering all the things she's done. It's like withdrawal, trying to live without her, but at the same time, I know that she was the cause of my misery both during & after the relationship. Maybe I just need some rest.

[Your Prince]

I'm tempted to break NC, but then I remember that it wouldn't amount to anything but regret & emberrasment. I know that she's told me more about herself than she's told any other one person, but I also know that there are alot of things she's done that she has not, & perhaps never will, tell me about. Drunken escapades, one night stands, drug deals...who's to say? I have a feeling that even if everything went back to the way they were during the "good" times, she would still tell me periodically about some new thing she did that i don't like. That's what makes me insecure. I can never know for sure how messed up she really is. The longer I know her, the more depraved & selfish she seems to me. I wouldn't say I miss her, but I do miss the illusion of what I thought she was, the person most people see her as. I imagine she'll come running back to me when everyone else has realized who she really is, because through it all, I'm the only one who ever loved her. Too bad she's some real sideways girl. She could have been amazing...

[Your Prince]

Still trying to determine in my head id she's a drug-addled **** who's out to take advantage of everything I try to do for her, or if she's a girl lost in her life who doesn't know how to get her priorities together. It seems that the first is true. I can't be sure. I should have seen the warning signs & avoided her from the start. It would probably be easier if she never came back, but I do want my money back & some part of me still holds hope that things can be fixed. I hope I don't end up like charles bukowski.

[Your Prince]

I'm leaving this drab, half student, half menial laborer life behind. I decided recently to Speak to a US Navy recruiter & try to get into the Nuclear Field. This will give me opportunities that I wouldn't have expected a few months ago. Now I realize that she was just holding me back, & breaking up with me was probably the best thing, since otherwise she would have sapped all the compassion & forgiveness from me until I was withered to nothing. I'll see if I can keep her picture to bring to boot camp with me, Just so I can remember my first & only love. Wish me luck on the ASVAB

[Your Prince]

So, I qualified for the navy. Now I just have to swear in & wait to go to boot camp. New lifestyle here I come.

[Your Prince]

It's been 3 or 4 weeks since I had contact with her. I can function alright if I keep myself distracted. I always wake up & fall asleep thinking about her, & any slightly emotional thing that I see or experience during the day brings me halfway to tears. It hurts more knowing that i'm the one with a broken heart, trying to put my life back together & keep moving on, while she just hangs out with other men & does drugs all day. Sometimes, I imagine that she's confused & lost, and that she regrets the things she's done. If that's true, I feel pity for her, but i'm pretty sure that's not the case. I tell myself that if I ever see her again, i'll ignore & avoid her. I doubt it would happen like that. I'd probably just ask her how she's been, & she'd be high. I could tell from her pale complexion & the dark circles under her eyes. Hopefully I won't see her again. It would be harder for her to change her ways & come back than it would be for me to live like this. At least this way I can "forget" about it. I don't think i'll ever really forget, or forgive her for that matter. I guess i'll keep moving where my life takes me, & hope to see better days.

[Your Prince]

I spoke to her parents Yesterday. They asked me alot of questions about her. I told them everything I knew. It helped put things into perspective with them, & they told me things as well. Basically, she's been lying to me ever since she met me. She's not even the person I thought I knew. Her parents gave me back the money she borrowed & didn't return to me, so at least I won't have to try & get that from her. She spends all day hanging out with her wannabe criminal friends, & is undoubtedly f***ing some other guy, at least one other guy. I found pictures of use from back in may. She looks high, but we look happy together. I was starting to forget what that looked like. My biggest fear is that someday she's going to try to come back & tell me that it was all a big mistake, or that she's changed. She's already done that, & she was worse than ever. I still don't know what I would say to her. A big part of me really misses her. She's met most of my family, & to me, she was a big part of my family. At certain moments, however seldom & brief, I felt like being with her was my most important & fulfilling purpose. I think I miss her now because I saw those pictures, from before I knew what a terrible person she was. I doubt I would have any good feelings from seeing her again. Just more pain. Oh well, I guess i'll keep working out, getting ready for enlistment. My mind keeps telling me that there's some way to make things right, but I think it's just a desperate attempt to make me be with her. I still think about her everyday, anytime I'm not keeping my mind occupied it goes back to thoughts of her. I just want to be able to stop having hope for us, & really be able to move past the damage she's done to my spirit.

 

Still not sure if she cheated on me or not. She very well could have, & I don't see how she would feel guilty about it, considering all the other things she's done to me.

[Your Prince]

The truth is, I still love her. Every minute I sit & hope to see her or hear from her. I try to tell myself that that's not what I want, but I know that i'll never be satisfied with my life until she's a part of it. Too bad she's with someone else.

[Your Prince]

Just the thought of touching another girl feels awkward & uncomfortable. I don't understand how she could be with so many other men & not be ashamed & disgusted with herself. Unless of course she never did love me. That's probably the case. Last time I saw her, I saw alot of pain in her eyes. I just wanted to hug her & tell her that she'll be ok. I don't know if it was just me, or what. I'm not ready to believe that she never loved me. That's what makes it impossible to move on. It's like she cared about me, but did everything to make it seem like she didn't.

[Your Prince]

The truth:

you were never raped

you never saw someone kill themself

you never gave away your kidney

you dont have a plate in your head

you did have sex with him

you didn't change at all

you dated all those other men because you didnt care about me or how I felt. It had nothing to do with drugs

you werent ready to quit

you didnt pick your dog up from the side of the road

you didnt think about me when I wasn't around

you dont know **** about computers

you dont have an excuse not to take a drug test

you couldn't join the navy because: 1)you're too fat 2)you didnt want to quit drugs. 3) you hate doing any work

you never wanted to save yourself for me or whatever

you had sex with all those guys too. It wasn't just your friend. You cheated on me

you were doing drugs with your friends while I worked your shift 3 times. The third time you went on a date with someone

you have been to the show without me multiple times. You may have been cheating on me then

you dont love me

you didnt do as much drugs as you claimed. you're just trying to "impress" people

you didnt leave me to get a clean start

you didnt want to be alone. you were already dating someone else

you dont plan on getting clean

you never got pregnant

You'd rather make me feel guilty, confused & heartbroken than just admit that you lied.

[Your Prince]

All I can seem to think about is her. Our past, all the lies she's told me, & the fact that she's f_cking some other guy. Yes, there were good times. I actually believed that she loved me & maybe she thought so too at some point. Hopefully I'll be over her a few years from now. Or at least get her out of my mind. It'll be at least a year & a half before I can go an hour without thinking about her.

[Your Prince]

Whenever we said that we could see you being a drug addicted prostitute 5 years down the line, we weren't really joking. Sure, we all laughed. You did too. But you probably don't know that that's pretty much what we all expect of you. Hell, you hardly made it through high school. I'll be glad that you're not in my life if I see you continue the way you're going. It will at least prove to me that you were just holding me back the whole time. Never ruin your life for a bad woman. I just got by on that one.

[Your Prince]

I find myself sleeping less, or at least, during strange hours. The past few days, for example. have been spent waking up around 5 in the afternoon & staying up after sunrise. I don't know how long this is going to last. It may have something to do with my recent breakup, but I don't care if it does. I am afraid that, since I find myself sleeping all day, my ex might come by my house I would be unable to answer the door. This is a long shot, since she pretty much wants nothing to do with me anyway. I spend most of the night doing things to distract myself. Whenever there's a gap in my distractions, or when they aren't mentally engaging enough, I wind up ruminating for long periods of time about

 

how she acted during our relationship

what her thoughts & intentions may have been

how she feels about our breakup from her perspective

how she feels about me now

what she does with her friends & boyfriend(?)

etc.

 

I know that she spends her days hanging around with her friends. The ones who have criminal histories & do drugs all day. Most of these people are guys. I don't know if she's banging several of them or just one or two. Whatever. It's not like it would make her a good person even if she wasn't with anyone else right now. I started looking at cars again to see if any of them are hers. I don't know what this is accomplishing. It's just a sort of curiosity. I can't stand not to check the cars around me, especially the red ones. I've already said all this. I'm tired. I look forward to sleep but I have this strange instinct or something that makes me not want to just lay my head down. I just stay up as long as I can so that when I actually do lay in bed I don't have to spend more than a minute thinking about her while waiting to fall asleep. When I wake up, I spend a good hour or two lying in bed, half thinking, half dreaming about her, or just envisioning images of her in my mind. I've recently become snappy & less patient with people who ask me questions or try to get in my business. I don't want these other people getting into my life. It's my life & I should be able to deal with it myself, without any commentators or referees, or what have you. I almost wish I wouldn't have told my mom about my plans, because she's been boasting & bragging like a ******* to all her coworkers & family. I don't want that put on me. I already get enough of a bad rap for usually being the smartest kid in my class, or in my family. "look at him, he works smarter, not harder. I bet he'll work for NASA when he grows up." This is the kind of thing relatives said about me. YOu don't know me. Don't act like it. I want to be treated like a normal person, because I am. So what if stupid people's stupid mistakes annoy me? As long as they're of good character, they still hold merit to me. It's the stupid ones with a bad attitude I don't like. They get under my skin. Unfortunately, this is what most people are, sad to say. I'd rather people know that I'm humble about it. I've been much more of a loner before though. How I am now isn't so bad. If this military thing goes through, I won't have the luxury of being so isolated. If I don't get in, then I don't know what I'll do with myself. I already decided that I don't really want to go back to school & be another student in another classroom. I couldn't live with myself staying in some menial job where all the lowlifes & idiots belong. I know I can be better than that. I am better than that. There isn't much food in the house. I haven't eaten much this week, due to my stationary behavior & the fact that some fruit, eggs & yogurt were the main foods I was able to easily locate & prepare. Due to this, I've noticed my body getting just a bit smaller. My chest has lost some of its size that I had built up over the past 6 months. That may also be due to the fact that I did some running the week before. I'm trying to get my running skills up again so that I can pass the 1.5mi run confidently by the time I go to basic training. I'm sure that even if I didn't then they would get me into shape (not that i'm in any way out of shape), but I'd rather not have to worry about it too much at such a stressful & busy time in my life as that will undoubtedly be.

 

I don't know if I'm pathetic, or patronizing, or simply a typical case of heartbroken young man, fumbling through the days. I don't care much either, not to be rude. So much rambling has to come to an end eventually. I think that should be enough for now. I'm tired & a bit delirious. If only my brother would go to bed, then I would feel comfortable doing the same.

[Your Prince]

I remember the things she said before she completely relapsed. She told me that she was sorry that I loved her, & that she was afraid, because she new she was going to crack soon & she didn't want to think of what would happen. Those were some of the last times I had with her before she became someone else. She started saying things about how she had enjoyed the time where she was doing drugs & dating other guys. She kept asking me how I could love her when I don't even know her. I don't know who she is, she's right about that. I just keep hoping that the girl I know & love is still in there somewhere.

[Your Prince]

When I lie down in bed I imagine holding her next to me. I miss always having my arm around her & feeling her body heat warm my body. I miss watching her sleep next to me & closing my own eyes when she puts her head into my chest. I think about how I used to kiss her neck softly & put my blanket around her to be sure she's warm. Without these & other comforts that I crave, I feel a hollowness in my life. Not my life as a whole, but the hours, the days, & especially the nights. I want to experience the smell of her house & the aromas of her car, her clothes & her hair. I want her dogs to come sit next to me & lick the salt off my skin. They would claw gently at my arm until I acquiesce to scratch their chests & heads getting loose strands of fur all over my pants. After a hot morning at the park, or in my room, we'll take a shower together, feeling each other's slippery skin as we wash up & talk, both of us not-so-secretly dreaming of marriage & life long love. I miss her father's cooking & his uniquely bold, affirmative attitude. I miss walking around with her, or talking on the phone, exchanging stories about our childhood, although now it seems most of those stories weren't true.

 

I don't even think that girl exists anymore. On one hand, I hope she doesn't so I'll never have to rebuild a life together from lies & corruption. On the other, those memories are the best part of my life, & the most important thing I'll ever have. I wouldn't trade those memories, in all their innocent decadence, for any tangible thing in this world. That's all they are though, memories.

[Your Prince]

I had a dream a few hours ago & she was in it. We were laying in bed in what looked like a hotel room. the blanket was thick, & provided insulation, so that I could feel our body heat warming the mattress & the air. Her soft, fleshy skin was warm to the touch. I lay there blissfully for a minute. Then I got up, went out of the room & The outside was a psychiatric hospital. Many of the nurses & doctors were teachers from my high school. I didn't recognize all of them, but I remembered that they worked at my old school. All the other patients were my age. They were sitting in a small dining area with glass walls. I don't know why we were in there. Nothing seemed to be wrong with me or any of the other people, but every time I saw one of the nurses or doctors, they smiled & greeted me. I could see that they knew something about me that I wasn't aware of. Nothing really happened. I just walked around.

 

I'm thankful that, if only for a few minutes, I was able to be next to her again. During the dream, I had no memory of the things she'd done. those few seconds were sublime, & i'm glad I remembered my dream. In all of my other recent dreams, I think that i'm in trouble for something. I don't realize it was just a dream until I am awake enough to feel the pillow against my head. I can never recall those ones. I don't really care to.

 

I went into the living room & noticed a letter with my name on it. My first hope was that it would be from her. I kept telling myself that it's not so that I wouldn't be disappointed, but it's near impossible to stifle such curiosity. When I opened it, it turned out to be from my mom's coworker. She congratulated one graduation & enlistment. At least I got $20 out of it.

 

Back to reality

[Your Prince]

It really frustrates me that I was there for her through some of her hardest times & that I gave her so many chances. She stepped all over me & then confused me by telling me how much she loved me, & when she said it, she seemed so much to mean it. After all the heartache, extra chances, forced trust... I tried so hard to give her an opportunity to be what she told me she was in the first place. Now that she's gone, & actually beginning to change her life, she wants to be with someone else? It makes me feel so used. What has this guy ever done for her? where was he in the middle of the night when she needed a friend. He wasn't there. I was the one who stayed there for her. Even when she was treating me like an emotional punching bag, I was still there for her to buy her gas or whatever. I still stood up all night talking to her, letting her cry to me. One of the only moments I cherish from our past was a week or so before she betrayed me, she said,"I'm sorry that you love me". I hope she's still sorry. Not that I want her to feel bad, I'd just like to imagine that she has a heart & understands how torn she's made me. She took an innocent, lonely boy & played with his soul until he became a love-weary, somewhat bitter young man. I hope I really am in her prayers. I also hope to be able to remember what she was to me during the good times. My heart will always be occupied by that old love, & nobody will be able to replicate that.

[Your Prince]

I keep looking for someone else's story, one that's similar to mine. I feel like I don't really have anyone to relate to. I used to be able to go almost half a day without thinking about her. Now that I spoke with her so recently, she's dominating my thoughts again. It's not as much crying sadness or panicked frustration, just alot of remorse, despondence, & bitter nostalgia. I really want her back now, but I have to tell myself that I don't because i'm more disgusted than ever at the things she did, & continued to do after leaving me. She told me that she's not the only girl in the world, & that I should see other people, but i'm not like that. I don't see how I could love anyone else. I don't even like over 98% of people enough to spend my life with them. At least with her I felt like she belonged in my life full time, & could completely tolerate it. I really don't know if she did love me, or if she does hold a special place in her heart for our past, because for her, it seems so easy to get with other people, for reasons both romantic & otherwise. Is it weird that she's the only person I think i'll ever be interested in? Not that I see myself ever being with her again. I'd rather be alone than with someone else, & I know it would be much easier if I never heard from her. People tell me that I'm a great person, & it's bound to be lonely at the top. I don't feel like i'm on top of anything, at least not anything that matters to me. She was one of the only things that mattered to me. From the time I was 14 years old, she was one of the most cherished people I knew, & from the age of 15, she was my everything, although I was pretty bad at showing it. She was still my everything when she left, & the only reason I didn't become clinically depressed was because I had a daily routine to keep me going through the hardest times. My life feels sort of empty without her. I think that emptiness would only grow if I was with someone else. I miss all the sensations & warm feelings of the good times we shared. Although I can definitely become successful & satisfied with my life since she's no longer holding me back, I don't think I will ever be in a state of true bliss & love again.

[Your Prince]

When I saw her, she didn't look quite right. She looked strange to me. Something about her face. Back when I met her, she was gorgeous. She was the cutest, most attractive person I had ever met. Three or four years later, She hardly resembles that girl. Her face is disproportional. She looks much older than me. She's skinnier, but not in a good way. She's still chubby though. Maybe It's just that fact that I went a month without seeing anything but old pictures, but that can't be it. She's changed. She no longer has that radiance in her figure or her voice that makes everyone so drawn to her. Is it because of the drugs? probably. Then again, it was foolish of me not to realize that she would change inevitably over time. I must have thought that the inside was more important, & that as long as we were together, what we looked like wasn't important. Now I see how ugly she is on the inside. Maybe that's why I don't see her the way I used to. She even had the nerve to tell me that I wasn't special, that she lied to everyone else in her life too. Well I really thought I was special. She convinced me of that with words that were most likely lies. I spent years making myself better for her, & now that she's finally decided to change herself, It's for someone else. I want to say that when I came back to her, she seduced me, but that wouldn't be giving myself due responsibility. I was too hasty. I didn't make sure she took care of herself before reuniting with her emotionally. Just like the first time, I jumped in too soon. I knew what I was getting myself into. I was more lonely than anything. I told myself we would probably break up at some point, but to live in the now & enjoy what comes. Well "the now" pretty much sucks at this point. I'll just keep holding on. It has to get better soon enough.

[Your Prince]

It's been almost a month since my last post. I was doing pretty well for the most part, until about an hour ago. I've been alone now for about 2 1/2 months. It feels like it's been so much longer. Months go by too slowly. I was lying in bed, when my thoughts were invaded by a vivid image of her & myself "being intimate". The curves of her body & the vision inspired so closely by memory brought all the emotions of those moments right back into my consciousness. I can hardly find any sexual desire from thoughts of her at this point. I was stressed out, & I guess that i'm so used to thinking about my special someone as a way to ease my pain that I just defaulted to it. I'm not as despondent as I was following the breakup, or her visitation, but I have a yearning for her comfort. I know that if I were with her, it would be an emotional torture. She would probably lie to me & almost definitely do drugs & cheat on me while I was away. Despite these facts, I'm still filled with melancholy nostalgia over the small sensations: the ones that were the most comforting. Things such as laying next to her, always with at least one arm around her waist, letting her tuck her head snugly into my shoulder & falling asleep to the smell of her hair & the warmth of her breath accross my chest. I miss my princess.

[Your Prince]

It's been 3 or 4 months I think. This whole time, I've been doing alright without her, but she's still in my mind before I get out of bed in the morning, & before falling asleep at night. Thoughts of her are consistent through the days, & I think the only reason she hasn't invaded my dreams is because I never have any, or at least none that I want to remember. Today, my thoughts of her emerged again with more fervor than before, setting my back emotionally & reminding me how morose I am without constant distraction. I pore over my memories, asking myself questions that nobody answers. I don't think there is answer. Bittersweet sensory images taunt me, luring me in with nostalgia of the good days when i was ignorant, & at that same time sapping my happiness with knowledge of the truth, & life as it is now. The truth will set you free, but freedom of thought is a slavery all its own.