Has it really come to this?

[bdwiii]

Here I am once again. I think the last time I posted on this board was over a year ago and that was about a relationship of mine that went terribly wrong. It's been more than a year since then and to be quite honest, nothing has improved, it's only grown worse since that time.

 

I've gone in and out of jobs, never having the security that once was taken for granted in the past. The money I once had and enjoyed is now gone and it's all hand-to-mouth now. I've fallen behind in my financial obligations, rent, vehicle payments, insurances, etc.. I had to leave college behind for now as I'm just not together enough now to be able to manage that as well at this point in time. With all of this going on, I certainly don't see how I'll ever be even close to a real and meaningful relationship again. That's something which is reserved for those of us who have their act together, not where I am now.

 

It's very loney now, to come home to an empty apartment each and every night, one that you don't even know how long you'll be living in because of the uncertainty of things, and each day when I wake, I don't know what to expect anymore. I feel like I'm only a shell of the person I once was.. a ghost of the person I used to be.

 

I think what really pushed me over the edge this time was someone I had recently gotten involved with over the passed month. It turned out horribly wrong, so very wrong. I suppose I should have known from the start that it could not, or would not last. However I went on with blind abandon like a complete fool. This girl was much younger than me (of course), and I, like a fool, believed all that she was telling me. After three short weeks and a few thousand dollars later, I was faced with a rude and hard awakening. It turned out she was just using me for money and a place to stay, and on top of all that, a chronic druggie. Yeah, I know, I asked for it. She's gone now, but so is a lot of my self esteem and what was left of my dignity.

 

All of this is what has brought me here tonight. I'm at a point now where my life seems to have lost it's luster.. I don't find enjoyment anymore in any of the things I once did. I've lost my hopes, desires, and dreams of the future. It all seem for naught now. I just feel so isolated and alone. I'm posting tonight because lately the thought of ending my life has been coming to me more frequently than it ever has before. Sure, I've entertained the idea in the past, but never would have acted upon it. But now more and more it comes to me and for some perverse reason, sound rational and logical even. There are even times when I'm at work and I look at the people, my "friends" sitting all around me and I find myself literally at the verge of tears. It just seems that they are all so full of life and it goes on all around me, yet I feel so empty and alone despite that I am amongst them all.

 

I'm actually scared of myself and my thoughts lately because it's become something which is persistent now, not just a fleeting or passing thought as in times before. I know that it's wrong and I've heard all of that before, the reasons why, why not, and how terribly wrong a choice it is. Then why do I feel like it's the only thing I have left? Why am I losing my desire to see yet another year, month, or even another day go by?

 

I don't know what to say anymore or what to do to change things. If there is anyone out there who reads this and can give me some sot of insights, or who has also been where I am and has survived, I'd appreciate hearing from you.. I really could use it now.

 

Thanks

[sonjam]

Sometimes coming down from the "high" of such a wirlwind relationship, and wild abandon, can feel like "coming down" at the breakup end of it. You look back, and see you did wrong, but it's too late to change things.

 

 

It sounds to me like you have a case of depression. Please don't think of taking your life over something as trivial as this. I know it feels like the world is collapsing around you, but it is not. YOu will go to sleep every night, and wake up to a new sunny day with birds singing the next morning. Start making time to also see the good things life has to offer. Yes, your money is bust, and you worry, and you wonder and you feel depressed, but worrying about it, and feeling low is not going to improve things. You have to take a few deep breaths and go forward. Get a job, make a plan. YOu are stronger than this you know. If you can't see the future, do this one day at a time, and before you know it, weeks will have passed, and you will look back on this time, and realise it was not as bad as you imagined.

 

Good luck, post again if I can help, or if you just want to talk.

[bdwiii]

Thank you. Thanks for your reply, you're very kind. I know you're right, and that perhaps in time, if I'll just give myself that much, maybe things will change. God I hope they do, I surely can't endure much more of this, things as they are that is.

 

Yes, this last faux paus if you will, was what sent me over the edge and I know what it was, and can look back at it and see the error of my ways. Yet it still was like the "icing on the cake" if you will. I wasn't feeling all too good about myself to begin with and then this had to happen, as if I needed another kick while I was down.

 

Lately I have been quite introspective and to be very honest, I don't like what I see. I'm beginning to not like me very much at all. Despite my ideals and what I thought I was like, who I thought I was, what I see now isn't so pretty and to be quite honest, not very attractive to say the least. I want so desperately to go back, to turn back the hands of time to when I felt good about myself, when I was confident in what I was doing and who I was. But lately I've lost hold of that.

 

I'm 40 years old now and it feels like this is it, this is to be my life from this point on. And I don't like it. I look back on a year ago and how things seemed to be so right; I had a zest and zeal for life, desire, and ambition. I want that back so desperately but it seems out of reach right now.

 

I've even lost touch with what little friends I had left. I just feel so totally alone..I am alone.

 

Thank you for your post, I'm going to think about what you said and let it resonate; I know you're right and I have to take that advice to heart.

 

Thanks again.

[DBL]

I'm going through the same thing. A little over a year ago everything was doing alright. Now i'm gonig through a seperation. I have lost my job, my wife, my truck, my car, my boat, friends, money, my home, and my health. Although my health has gotten better. If my grandmother didn't die I would be homeless, but she left a few bucks. However that money won't last me all that much longer. I live alone, none of my friends live even close to me, and I dont have a tv or radio. I go to sleep every night knowing tomorrow will not be a better day. First thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is how am I going to get by today, then I think about how my money is running out. I force myself to workout which atleast gives me something postive. I try to remember how lucky I have been in the past surviving what I have.

 

I'm not into religion or anything like that, but I do believe in fate, and I just remind myself that there is a reason that I'm going through this, that the path I am taking now is going to get me where I am suppose to be. That maybe this is just another learning experience or test.

 

As far as being used, it happens to just about all of us. Guys generally get used for money and women generally get used for sex. Either one definitely does not make ourselves feel good. We often get angry at ourselves for being stupid enough to be taken advantage of. Which is kind of what you may be feeling.

 

Keep your head up.

 

DBL

[bored]

you know what it's all just a momentary thing...life is bad for u you i can see...but thats just how it is...everyone have their up and downs..when you think about how cruddy your life is...be thankful u can still think.. compared to the vegetables in the hospital your life is heaven...you know what put yourself through college get a steady job, look on the brighter side of life and in no time u can get your life together and be respectful THEN u can find someone to settle down in a relationship with...

 

just remembered this quote from forrest gump "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get" who knows u might get lucky and win the lottery next week or to be more realistic find a decent girl/ job

[thisisnotanexit]

hey

i'm truly sorry for the state of things in your life right now. i know you're really down and upset about them, but you can't be too hard on yourself. yeah, this girl was a bad choice and they didn't work out accordingly to plan. but hey, you've got a lot of life left in you. there are many people out there. just keep your eyes open and you will find someone else. and if you don't like your "friends" in your life, go out and meet some more. go to a singles bar or go to a club or join some kind of organization or go to a concert. people are out there who will appreciate your friendship and value you for who you are. you're obviously an intelligent, deep man and you deserve people in your life to consider those admirable aspects of your life, and i know they exist, they're out there, and you'll find them. i know what it's like to be introspective and not like what i see. i've been where you are. i've thought about ending it...but i'm glad i did not. when you realize how much of a permanent solution to a temporary problem suicide is, i hope you will understand that it's not what you really want. you can get through this and you can get back on your feet and things can work out for you, too. i'm not the only one who can beat this suicide thing. just do things to occupy your time for now and before you know it you'll be back on your feet. join a gym or go for walks or something. exercise is good for making your brain feel better. find a hobby. play an instrument. watch some good movies or listen to some good music. write. TALK TO SOMEONE. something, you can do it. if you end your life, you'll never know what could have worked out for you. believe me, w'ere only given this one life and we're going to die anyway, so you might as well try your best to take advantage of your time here. i know things are hard and life does in fact get tough, but you can bounce back. just try not to get lost in your current situation and sadness. don't let your emotions get the best of you. don't drown in this pool of sadness, but lift yourself out of it and take control of those aspects in your life you're unhappy about. it'll be a gradual thing, but you can do it. hey if you ever wanna talk, please email me, i'd love that. take care man and hang in there, you can do it.

 

adamse2@winthrop.edu