My Lesson: I wasn't perfect...

[solja1220]

My girlfriend (of almost 4yrs), broke up with me on my birthday in December. Now she is not one who can communicate well (this was a ongoing problem in our relationship), SO I had no idea that this was about to happen. Indeed, the day before we were laughing and joking about things like we always do. Then, BAM! Out of nowhere she announces that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I was in completely shock.

 

The thing about it is that when all hell broke loose, she finally told me about all the things that bothered her in the relationship. So we spent the next couple of days yelling back and forth with her on the telephone (All while consuming as much Hennessey as I could). During that time she brought up a few gripes that I think had merit and things that I told her that I could work on. At first, she agreed to work on them with me. But in reality, she had already starting seeing someone else. So there was really no chance for us to get back together.

 

To this day, I am trying to come to grips with what happened and how I played a part in it. Like I said, some of the things she said were valid:

 

1. I have issues about letting someone get close to me. I can be standoff-ish. Even though I think that she got as close as I have let anyone get.

 

2. Like most men, I can be insensitive and overly critical sometimes. I am the kind of guy that pulls no punches when you ask me something. If you ask me a question, you better be prepared for the truth. And do not expect sugar coating.

 

3. I did not tell her how much I appreciated her. My affection level can be low at times.

 

4. I was in this relationship, but I always wanted to maintain a sense of self. Now I don't think that this is wrong, but maybe the way I went about it is. If we spend five consecutive weekends together. I might take the next one or two and do something either by myself or with other friends. This kind of made her feel insecure.

 

5. I have two really close female friends, from my college days. Now I don't see them that often, but we do talk on the phone sometimes. She met one of them, but did not meet the other. Mind you, the one she didn't meet was one that I had seen once for 20 minutes, in the entire 4 yrs we had been together. Nevertheless, she felt threatened by her. But these were friends I had for years so I was not about to abandon them.

 

6. There were times when I did not take the whole relationship that serious. I think I treated her well. But for the first two years, I didn't think about marriage. In fact, to be honest, I had a many issues about marriage (I probably made this abundantly clear to her). I basically did not see the point in it. But after being with someone who made me feel so good, I started to feel like it was something that I could possibly do.

But even when I told her that I was not necessarily "thinking about marriage at this time". She would say "I am not either". But in our final confrontation, this is one of the things she brought up, saying that 'She want's to get married".

 

 

So those are a few things that need to deal with. But it has been hard going. I do nothing on the weekends but lie in bed wishing I could show her how much I changed. But I will never get that chance. So now, I must look at this as just a lesson I had to learn...

 

 

So what do you guys think? Are relationships just lessons... I hope so...

Right now, I feel like I can never get back what I had with her and it is killing me slowly.

[Alistair]

The way I see this is that the lack of communication is to blame for this whole thing. Sure you have bad points and thing you might need to change, but I'm sure she does as well. My point is that she should have talked to you about this before she decided to break it off, not after. If anyone is to blame then it is her, not you. what you need to do now is talk to her properly face to face. It doesn't matter that she is seeing someone else because 4 YEARS really means something! Sit her down let EVERYTHING come out and let her do the same as it is the only way of finding out true wants and feeling of both parties. Maybe then you can come to an agreement on issues. Whether it means you guys get back together or not, you will at least know where you stand with her and it will stop you going insane. Good luck, man - I hoped this helped a bit.

[hshot_rooke]

Wow, solja

 

I can't believe that someone has the almost identical problem to myself.

Event though I was the one who broke it off, I realized all the things I had done in the relationship to hurt my EX, and every single one on your list I did as well. Except for the close Girl Friends.

 

My EX communicated with me, but never the problems and issues that she didn't like.

 

Yes I was too critical, too judgemental. Selfish in the relationship and wanted to spend more time with my friends and myself.

 

In the end, she started dating someone about 2 weeks later, and is still with him. It's been 3 months now.

She says she's happy now, and says that she no longer loves me.

That the love died long ago.

 

She'll speak to me briefly on the phone and through email and just wants me out of her life now.

 

Weird how things were so loving in the relationship and then it ending so abruptly and so hurtful.

 

It's the biggest mistake I've ever made, and I know that I'll never meet another woman like her ever again. I know everyone is going to say that's not true, but I have a good idea about my life and the reasons why I won't find someone as perfect as her.

 

It's the biggest lesson that I've ever had to learn from.

It sucks, wonder why life has to be like this? Why couldn't I have screwed up with someone that was less perfect before? Then I'd have her in my life forever.

 

Good luck man, depression isn't good for you. I know, cause I've been to the psychologists and the doctors and taking meds now.

[solja1220]

Hey, I hear ya brother! I wish I could have learned those lessons with someone else, so that I could have been ready for her. But what are you gonna do...

 

But I do believe that things happen for a reason. So in the grand scheme of things, maybe it just wasn't supposed to turn out the way I wanted it - with us still together. I do feel that I have learned a few valuable lessons in handling relationships. If things didn't go down the way they went, would I have learned them?

 

And I agree, I have to get out of this funk. I just feel so bad about the things I did. But I have to move on.

 

I think that the whole experience has made me a better man, relationship-wise. I can only hope that I will get another chance to prove it.

[mrsadman]

Hey man I definitely know what your talking about especially the first lesson I'm really stand offish because I'm so shy and quiet and she probably didn't think I was giving all myself to her. I also do pray and wish that my ex girlfriend could see how I've changed and how if I was given a second chance I would do everything right and the way she wanted me to this. But that why I guess life is life their are no redos and there are no time machines out there that can take us back so we could change how we acted. So I think your right failed relationships are just lessons that we have to learn from. I wish we didn't ever have to get are heart broken because it really hurts my first gf broke up with in Feb and now its June and I think about her every second but we have to try to move on and when we get a new girl not make the same mistakes and try to have a longer relationship that will stand the test of time. One lesson I learned the is most girls do not like standoffish guys but its hard to change who you are but I guess you have to.