Attracted to someone but don't want to be...

[MattW]

Over the last year or so, I've gotten pretty chummy with this girl I work with (we're both part timers at a store). We get along really well, and have a fun little dynamic between us. I don't see or talk to her outside of work, or anything like that, though. I think I'm starting to "like" her a little more; actually, I'm not really sure how I feel. I don't typically "look" for girls to date (honestly, I've never had a girlfriend, never dated, or anything like that), and I like spending time with her at work when I can.

 

Thing is, I'm really not in a position to date (and I don't think I will be for quite some time). My life is pretty much a mess, has been for a while, and will probably take me a long time to sort out. Not to mention, I don't think she's "interested" in me in that way, anyway; what we have isn't really "special" or "unique", she gets along well with most people. I don't really get the feeling that she's interested in me as anything more than a friend. And I'm okay with that, I'm just... worried that I might start getting ideas in my head, letting myself fall for her, and ending up being weird. I don't want to be weird, and push her away, yanno? I like what we have, I just don't really trust myself to not start wanting more.

[Justin Nutt, LMSW]

I wonder why it is you don't want to be attracted to her? You said that your life is a mess, what is it that makes it a mess? I only ask as I wonder if it is that you think she will not be able to see you in the "more than friends" way. You said you have never dated and I am also wondering if there is some amount of thinking you are not in a place to date due out of fear of dating since you never have.

 

As for worrying about falling for her, love happens when it happens there is little we can do to prevent it. What I will say is that maybe you should ask her to grab some coffee after work so that the two of you can talk about how you feel. I realize you say you don't want to like her, and you think you aren't special, but who knows maybe she feels the same way.

 

Not sure how much that helps with the situation, but not quite sure what advice you were looking for.

[MattW]

You said that your life is a mess, what is it that makes it a mess?

 

Eh, where do I begin? I'm struggling to figure out what kind of career I want to pursue (thus, I'm dragging my feet through college, and I'm continuing to work at a job I hate doing), I'm going through lots of problems with my family and money. It's just so much of a headache, and I don't need anybody getting sucked into the same "black hole" I am.

[Justin Nutt, LMSW]

I have to on one commend you for the fact you understand that you should be a complete person prior to entering a relationship, most people think feeling better about themselves is why you get in relationships. That being said it is ok to like someone or be interested in someone as what can give us the drive and help us figure out what is in the future is the realization that down the road we will be in that situation. Where your family is concerned I again don't know the situation, but also know that as a young adult (I am guessing you are in your early 20's) issues with family and separation from them and becoming your own person is a major transition. The issues with family (depending on what they are) have little to do with you as an individual unless they affect the way which you interact with others. If that is the case then I would suggest that you seek counseling, individual or family if that is needed.

 

With respect to not know what you want to do for a career, if it makes you feel better I had around 8 majors when I was in college. life sometimes gives you perspective on what path to take.

[abitbroken]

Maybe "wanting more" not necessarily with her, but in general, will motivate you to sort yourself out.

 

Also, the simplest way to solve the problem is to not ask her out or show dating interest. That would be easy to do if she is friendly with everyone. and be friendly with other people - male and female - at work and elsewhere so you don't fixate on her.

 

But just because you haven't got yourself sorted out career wise, if you are somewhat sorted out emotionally, it is not a bad thing to go out for casual dates - coffee, meeting up for hiking, etc. with various women. There are a lot of people in college at your age at the same boat you are in. They are not looking for their future wife/husband yet. But if you are going through family drama - figure out if its something you can work out and will stabalize or if your family is always dramatic.

[Liraele]

So don't be weird!

 

Just be yourself and try to relax a little bit....if it happens to become an issue (such as her saying something/you wanting more/etc) then you can always talk about it and feel your way as things progress. Who knows, she may be perfectly capable of acknowledging that you're not in a good place without pushing. Never know!

 

Kudos to you for knowing that you aren't ready for a relationship and respecting this girl enough to consider that.

[MattW]

Not to turn this into some kind of "personal journal", but I'm just feeling a little bummed after getting home from work. Every week we stay late after the store closes to put out stock, and tonight, I overheard another (male) coworker trying to goad her into going out with him. I don't know whether or not she ever agreed to, but she was being very vague and unclear, rather than giving a definite answer. Part of the reason it bugs me is because said guy is a known "player" (she, herself, knows it), and it bugs me that she'd even entertain the thought of going out with him.

 

I know it's not any of my concern who she goes out with, and I feel bad for even dwelling on it and letting it bug me. I dunno...