Ranting of a Growing Woman

[dmarie86]

i miss him so much this morning, i keep thinking how can he not want to give it another try? but i know thats crazy thoughts. i miss him....

[dmarie86]

still feel so desperate, i want to tell him i can be a better girlfriend if only he'd give me a shot but i know thats pointless. i feel so helpless

[dmarie86]

night time is a tricky sucker, im not sure if morning or nights are worse. i spent the day making plans and being excited about what i want to achieve, as always he is on my mind but more as a background thought, yes i still miss him terribly but i can see life going on without him. And then the night time comes.... lying in bed trying to sleep goes well for aboooouuut oh maybe 10mins, and then a horrible specific thought will pop up, usually about him sleeping with his rebound and it shocks me back into complete despair again. when i don't remember that aspect i don't feel so bad about the relationship, i don't want to remember the bad stuff because it makes me sad i spent so much time with him. remembering the good is gentler on my mind but probably not so good seeing as i want to email him asking for another chance.

i realised tonight to that he is a serial dater, can't hardly be alone, the week he moved to the town where i meet him he had been there maybe 3days and he was already hooking up with a bargirl before he met me, the night we hooked up too he was dancing with other girls (not that dancing is a biggy but still)

he can't be alone so i should really try and accept that he will probably have another proper girlfriend soon

im trying to let the painfull memories wash over me, sometimes it seems to work, like i'm watching them pass by, on a boat i know they're there but im trying not to look to closely.

i have a job trial tomorrow, yay me! am looking forward to a welcome distraction, working in a bar will be interesting, i want to be a little bit crazy for the first time in my life so maybe this will factor in on that a bit.

everything will be alright, say it

[dmarie86]

Broke NC yesterday, had a really hard week after a couple of decent ones. Missed him alot. Got on the track of thinking if he knew I was feeling good and still wanted him in my life he might feel he missed me too but just needed me to break the silence... Go ahead and laugh, I know. Silly me of course, he replied but not how id hoped, and gave me info I didnt need to know, he's moving home and then probably overseas... So now all up to the end of the year im going to be thinking about how he's leaving... But I knew it was a bad idea, I guess the only good thing that came out of it is that I can stop wondering if he thinks about me and if there was a chance. I dont know how im going to get through this. I was doing so well and then to go back like I did was such a confidence hit. I've had enough

[dmarie86]

i know that i will be okay, i know that i'm doing good things and i generally enjoy what im doing when im doing it, i can feel that things will be okay now. but he enters my thoughts far to often, it's just letting go of the past thats holding me back, when i think about the past it brings me down, thinking about the good things that happened and missing what could have been. but obviously it didn't work out and the past is the past, i can only hope that but continuing to live the past will eventually disappear from mind and i'll forget about him. i need to forgive myself too. i'm not sure how to do it though, i'm sick of writing things down. went to a kickboxing class today, was great, i hope i can go back to a few more before finding a new job that will prevent me from being able to go.i wonder if living life is all i can do to move forward, it seems everything else has been exhausted