dmarie86

Feel like a stuck record, but flitting between 3 things, missing you, feeling sick at what you did an not wanting anything to do with you, and that strange feeling of how weird it is you dont want anything to do with me anymore. I feel empty right now. Guess i'll just push through like always

Im sick of missing you in my down time and wondering if you ever think of me anymore. It.doesnt.matter.

Here goes nothing.... (or everything depending on how you look at it) These last few months have been some of the hardest i've ever had to go though but also the most necessary and i thank you for being the catalyst for that to happen. I have come to realise many things, done alot of soul searching and growing as a woman. (also alot of drinking!) I realised most of all, that over the last year i wasn't being true to myself, i was to caught up in not wanting to leave/lose you that i was to afraid to do something for me and in effect lost myself and then lost you anyway. Being young and inexperienced in relationships going into our relationship meant i didn't know how to handle alot of things, i didn't know what it was i was feeling half of the time let alone how to deal with it. i loved you with all my heart but was very insecure about what i thought was where i stood with you, but in actual fact was insecuritys about where i stood with myself. I remember the day of the breakup and how hard it was for both of us, i know you still loved me but things were unstable for so long we both needed a chance to find ourselves again. I realise there may have not been enough time passed for that to fully happen for you but i know within myself i am so much more confident in myself and who i am as a women and what i stand for, something i know i lacked previously and something you needed from me. I was far too dependent on you and that wasn't fair. You only live once so i'm laying it out there I know what i want now, and i want you. Plain and simple The love, the passion and the interests we shared are not something i took lightly, finding someone like you again.... damm near impossible. with the insecurities out of the way i think i'm a damm good catch myself I've never had someone make me laugh so much nor felt so comfortable around anyone as i did with you. Going on little adventures with you, to the river, the lake, the beach, diving, camping whatever, i loved that and i miss that and there are so many more things i want to experience with you i love your family, they are amazing, its obvious why you turned out the way you did, because of your family, and i love that You showed me things i would never have dreamed of, love i never knew existed Now im not saying you were perfect and im sure you have grown alot too, have been enjoying the single life etc but there are many changes i've seen come about myself a stability which i would be excited to share with you i think i've probably repeated myself and jumbled stuff up but what im trying to say is, the girl you fell in love with is back but better than even, i've re-discovered that spark that is Dani, and it's exciting, i'm happy, and maybe a little bit crazy because i want to share that with you, i think you would enjoy it Now i realise your thoughts on this will be either that im completely stupid or more positively that it might stir some of that old love and for you to be interested to re-connect again Either way life goes on, i would just prefer to have you in mine You forced me to see the change i needed in my life and gave me the determination, motivation and belief that i needed to change, you gave me more than i could ever have done on my own, and for that i thank you. i fell for you almost the moment i saw you and i want you to know that i will always have love for you. i will always be here for you whether you want to keep in touch or not, 2, 5, 10 years down the road whatever your response to this all, i mean that from the bottom of my heart

i've had a couple of drinks and have come home feeling pretty good about myself, i was out with friends just enjoying myself not worrying about what you were doing. so right now, while i feel good i want to write something positive, so thankyou for letting me go and allowing me the chance to find myself again, to be genuinely happy, for the first time in over a year! isn't that crazy, i stayed with you unhappy for so long quite simply because i loved you so much, but i wasn't me. Now even though its still going to take awhile im so glad that im going to be able to be me again, i am fun and happy to be around, i really am! haha i can be social and fun, i am a good person, i am

oh how i miss you... today has been so hard. going out to dinner now but i really don't feel like being social. its sucks, i want to pull myself out of this mood because i know you would be the social butterfly you always are. you haven't let this affect you so why should i. i'm feel like such a stuck record poor me, blah blah blah. snap out of it already

Mornings are so hard... I wake up missing you but for a moment its an 'I miss you but we're still together and I can call you and feel better' sort of feeling. Then reality hits and I remember we are split and I have to deal with this on my own. Its so hard

the girl you fell in love with is still here.... i wish i had the chance to show you.... you don't need to find somebody else

After all the anger and hurt subsides, all I really want is a second chance...

knowing that its highly likely i will never speak to you again is heartbreaking. i want to scream at people how hurt i am, but i don't want to keep going on about it. i want to scream at you how hurt i am and do you feeling anything anymore, did you even ever feel pain.... i know you did but not for long. i wonder if you have truly dealt with it in such a short space of time, maybe you have maybe you havn't and maybe it will pop up again later. either option is possible, you have such a big heart but a strong mind at the same time, so logical, you would probably have been upset that first day and then forced yourself to move on. i miss the old you. i miss the old me

Im so angry and upset right now. You played me for a complete fool and let me feel bad about it all. You let me appologise when I was right all along. Right now you disgust me, I hope I can hold onto this feeling because I know i'll get over you alot faster. And no I wont be replying if you ever do get back in touch. How could I be friends with somebody who treats me like that, made me feel utterly worthless an pathetic when really you're the one who was ashamed and tried to cover it all up, and all at my expense. Wow im gobsmacked, but at least now my eyes are fully open. Karma will get you and she will be a *****

can't believe i let you walk all over me. why was i saying sorry

don't know why but the thought of you finally marrying somebody else down the room flashed through my mind, it will be a long way off and by that time i hope i'll be long over you and in another relationship that i won't even care but gosh that thought hurts! so silly i know i know but still, i'm struggling with the thought you already like somebody else let alone the idea that you'll get married one day! silly troublesome brain

Knowing we were broken up was one thing but now two months later accepting it is a totally different ball game. Yesterday when I first realised I was accepting reality I felt good, because I felt like I was making progress, but today.... Today I feel completely helpless, I know this will take time but im so sick of always coming back to feeling like this. I havnt cried in a week but now I feel hysterical. I hate this. I want to hate you but I just really want to be in your arms right now. Argh!!

so many bad memories of how you showed you never really cared keep flashing up.... times when you should have looked after me and been by my side but you weren't. but it doesn't make me angry and want to move on, just makes me sad that you didn't actually treat me as well as i thought you did... that i was delusional. im not even sure why you were with me for so long

i've been allowing myself to obsess over this all day - not good. so here is yet a nothing message to you. i realise i don't even want to be with you any more, i don't want you back that part of healing is complete, but i can't get over the fact that you were unhappy with me and found someone who made you happy right at the end there. i wonder if it was how happy she made you that made you realise how unhappy you were with me (not that im saying i was super happy myself mind you) if i want to forgive you i try and put myself in your shoes, why wouldn't i stay in touch with somebody who made me feel good? why would i refrain from contacting them just because my soon to be ex partner would be upset? you tried to hide it from me, supposedly to prevent from hurting me being hurt and this may be partly true, i think you were just a coward who couldn't admit the truth to someone who had been such a big part of his life for 3 years. forgetting the details i know is going to be such a big mission but i think only time and new memories will be able to put them away

im sorry i went abit crazy at the end there, i had the upper hand but i gave it all away with those phone calls, i wish i could take them back because i don't want you to think of me as the crazy ex.... but i guess its to late for that. i don't know why im considering ways to appologize, it won't make any difference im sure either you think my reactions are sad but justified because of what you did or you that im really just crazy and you're glad its all over.... either way it makes me sad, but there is nothing to be gained from trying to make things right, we will not be getting back together either way so its best i just stick to no contact and moving forward. im starting to think im spending to much time online too, looking for answers is keeping me in the mindset of 'poor me' instead of taking action and just living. im sure things will be better once i have a new job to keep me occupied

isn't subconscious cruel sometimes.... have been busy with the move the last couple of days but feeling good, you still crossed my mind alot but not to the point where i felt helpless or overwhelmed with emotions, but then i wake up this morning and the realisation that you would of taken her up to your sisters the w.e we were supose to say goodbye hit me like tonne of bricks..... you called her the night before and i'm guessing you offered to take her partway up, thats why you called your sister so late and why you were in touch with her the next morning, sorting it all out. thats how you knew id done the crazy thing of calling the number and why shes became friends with your sister, and why else would she have messaged her in such a familiar way without having met her. you seemed so upset that you wouldn't get to say goodbye to me but i now realise that must have been guilt because you put her first, you choose to drive a girl you barely knew over ending a relationship of 3 years on good terms. i know we were broken up and thats what i have to focus on, that and the fact that if you moved on that fast i need to accept that i didn't mean what i thought to you. i know i deserve better but this is yet another setback i have to deal with. i don't want to keep bringing it up anymore but my personality is obsessive and im struggling. i need to stop allowing myself to wallow in the horrible memories that keep bubbling up, use them to remind myself you're not worth it, but it still seem to be addicted to torturing myself. i don't think what you felt was feeling bad anymore, i think it was just guilt that you hurt me as much as you did. i know the future will be better and there are many amazing things waiting for me.... i just need to let go of the past!

I was going to say I miss you but if im honest with myself I dont think I do, I miss the feeling of thinking that you loved me. Its still killing me inside that you moved on so quickly, I know healing takes time but I can't help but feel that it's so unfair that im struggling to forget you and I doubt I even cross your mind anymore. It's been two months.... Will you think of me on the holiday we were suppose to go on together? Why do I even care. Keep trying to remind myself about the fact that it doesnt matter what you're up to anymore we are split and its for the better I know that I really do. But it doesnt make it any easier

was having a pretty good day today, accepting that even though you've hurt me i need to move on for my own sake, no point in wallowing in what you've done but then i let myself think about it, just for a few minutes and yet more questions come that i desperately want answered..... i've probably already covered this but i was told she was seen out there during the week but she wasn't working, how could you replace me so fast, were you that lonely you had to have another girl stay with you? and the number you called on the friday that was her wasn't it? did you go and see her before you went to jess?

did you continue to lie to protect me or yourself? i think it might be the latter....

only day 3 of NC and im struggling big time, struggling to let go of all the assumtions i have of what actually happened because of all the lies you told to cover things up, i know you were still lying at the end....whether to protect me or yourself i don't know, all i know is your lack of respect for me and our relationship has completely destroyed me, trying so hard to let go of the facts but again its mostly the unknown that is killing me.... i know i deserve so much better and will get there one day, i know that but getting through this first phase is unbearable, how is it fair you have someone new to comfort you already, and the thing thats making you feel better is whats killing me.... i wish you knew how much pain im in, wish you could feel it too..... its a constant battle not to email you these feelings. My brain is logical in that sense, i know it will do no good and that i will get better but that doesn't help me in the moment now. i have the last few emails you sent me still even though i know i should delete them, i've gotten rid of everything else. i wish i still had the upper hand but i ruined that by calling you the other night, i was angry at you and i know you felt bad but now i just feel bad and you most likely look at me with pity..... have booked my tickets for two weeks from now, i know a new start will be good and i am looking forward to it but im scared i will still be paralyzed by my feelings and unable to cope.... i wish you knew all this but that doesn't make sense..... life will be so much better without you, i'll be able to travel and do the things i want, but of course now we're apart suddenly you want to travel too? is that so you can visit her? i hope i never find out. i loved you far too much

you have completely destroyed me inside and out, i have no idea who i am anymore, what i did to deserve feeling like this, like im worth less than nothing, you have no idea, of course why would you want to, why am i even telling you this, i wish you could feel even a quater of the pain im in, i wish i had never met you now, nothing is worth this

My everything, i would have done anything to make it work between us when we were together and then to keep a happy friendship between us now, but knowing you are still keeping in touch with her after what you did is like another stab in the back, it can't have been only a drunken one night stand if you're keeping in touch, she must mean to you now than your feelings toward me or of any guilt for betraying me and our memories. I'm truly sorry about tonight, i know it achieved nothing except make me feel and look like a bad person. But it's your life so obviously moving forward you will keep those around you who make you feel good and happy about yourself, and if she happens to be one of them then so be it. I know this makes me look like a spoilt ***** but in my heads messed up way you've now chosen her over me. i know this will probably just make you angry at me and therefore you won't care, and of course you'll chose her and i hate that but i'm angry too, i still loved you at the end but accepted the inevitable and it didn't have to end this way... i know i've pushed you away with my incessant need for closure but i guess we both made our choices, and i can't forgive what you did. i'm glad you're happier since we broke up, getting back to the way you should be - the reason i feel in love with you in the first place, you are such an amazing guy Matt and when you meet the right girl she will be one very lucky girl. i hope i can find somebody else who will give me butterflies at least half as much as you did Maybe sometime in the distant future if you're in oz we'll be able to catch up over a beer and smile again, Until then.... Ka kite anō Matt, take care