IS he abusive?

[spicypisces]

Maybe this is difficult for me to admit to myself....

or, maybe I'm exaggerating negative aspects of our relationship to justify breaking up - maybe everyone goes through this.

 

On Thanksgiving weekend, as I prepared a large meal - I asked my partner for help. He simply said "No, I don't feel like it." This is the answer I ALWAYS get.

 

I sat down for a few moments around noon and asked "When do you think I should put the vegetables in so they will be ready by the time our guests arrive?"

"Don't talk to me! Why don't you ask someone who gives a F?" was his answer. Again, the norm.

 

"If you don't help me tidy up" I said, "mayble I'll tell your Mom when she gets here". Of course I was half-joking, I would never directly threaten him. This is was sends him into orbit. He screams at my face and tells me I'm a stupid B and a fat ugly cow. He says if I do one thing to embarrass him, he'll make me regret it. He's not lying.

 

This sends me to my room in tears. When I finally emerge, he has calmed down. He's even helping. It appears he feels badly for the way he treated me.

 

But, he will do it again. And again. Tell me every time he sees me that I'm unattractive. Tell me all of my accomplishments are owed to him. Tell me he will never marry me because I have kids - and I'm not good enough for him anyway. He still hasn't bonded with the children after 3 1/2 years. Even the 4 year old. Throw things in my face and laugh (like dirty laundry). Remind me loudly, at least once a day, that I am boring and stupid and I am driving him crazy. Refuse to do any simple things, carry the groceries in down the stairs with me, take the garbage out with me, pick up after himself of do a single load of laundry or dishes. Dictate what we will do and when, and absolutely refuse to share the tv with anyone - ever.

 

Through all of it, I will do my best to make him smile. For the times when he is nice. Like when we go out together alone and he hugs me and calls me his baby.

 

It feels like abuse.

 

I used to think I was pretty and smart.

 

I asked him on Monday to commit to positive change in himself, or lose me. He said he didn't want to change - so I could deal with it. I told him to leave while I went out with the children, to not be in my house when I returned home. He wasn't.

 

I cried when I realized that he'd actually left.

 

I haven't spoken to him yet. I also didn't go to work today.

 

I know I mean more to him than anything else in the world - and I have warned him that his behaviour would cause him to lose me. I have tried so hard to make him realize that "we" are worth fighting for. He only seems to realize it when he's broken me to tears, or if I break up with him. This is the only time I ever see him regretful.

 

Why do I feel like if he doesn't try to resolve his problems and get my forgiveness - I'll just die?

[Beec]

Why does it hurt? Because it does. Because you are losing the chance at having what you saw you could have.

 

Unless he changes, and you need to amke him prove it, do not take this guy back. It sounds like abuse to me. I think he should not get a chance to come back, but that's your call.

[sankin]

You can take my advice if you want it.

 

Okay, You sound like you really are very beutiful and smart. I know for a fact that you can do better that him if you really tried to.

I suggest that you get rid of him.

break up with him, and It will hurt, but just do it and in a few weeks you will feel alot better for it.

After a few weeks have past try to find another BF.

And if you really want to still be friends with him then wait until you have a BF and have had him for about a month. Then you can start talking to "him".

Anyway you can take my advice or you can leave it, it's really just up to you.

[Princess777]

I agree with Beec. Kudos to you for already kicking him out --- AWESOME.

 

YES it's abuse. YES he's a jerk. NO you don't deserve it. YES you can do better, even if it's alone!

 

No one, man or woman, deserves to be talked to like that and treated with such utter disrespect. He has broken your spirit.

 

Don't call him!!! Don't talk to him,!!! Do not beg him back in any way, no matter what he does right now. I probably would never give this guy another chance. Such remarks will always invade your mind, no matter if he is Mr. Angel from now on. He owns your emotional instability right now, and will even moreso if you go back to him.

 

You don't miss HIM. You are missing what you WANTED with him. Plain and simple. You can have what you wanted with him, with someone else. Someone who truly loves you and respects you, please don't allow him to hurt you anymore. You have to take responsibility for this, you have, and you need to keep doing it. Affirm to yourself everyday that every single thing you'll be doing in your life will put you closer to your goals, which you will make a list of immediately. When you get the urge to call him or feel lonely, look at your list of goals. Will what you are about to do put you closer to those goals? If not then don't do it.

 

Come here and let us know how you're progressing. You are already a very strong woman to have kicked him out. A lot of abused people just keep taking it. You didn't and that makes you stronger than him.

 

Hang in there *hugs*

[rosalind24]

You're too dependent on him for emotional support. Try depending on yourself for once, then you won't need him so much.

 

That definitely sounds like abuse to me, and taking him back is probably not a good idea. If he wants to leave and doesn't want to change, it's probably better for you to just move on, and decipline your 4 year old when he throws dirty laundry at you next time. You're his mom, if he's 4 and he can't respect you, don't imagine he'll be any better when he's in his teens.

[mahlina]

Sounds like the early warning signs of 'abuse' to me. Especially on a day like Thanksgiving, he should've been more appreciative, and tried to keep a 'jovial' mood. But no, he insisted on emotionally/verbally hurting you! That's not love to me. He sounds like a big baby for his age! Calling you all of those names, then telling you to ask "someone who gives an F"?

 

That's not something that you should have to deal with. If he can't control his behavior, then let it be a warning sign. Walk out. Think about how he will talk around your kids, if you guys do end up having any children together. Think about how he would act around them. I know that you're just boyfriend/girlfriend, but still. Think about how his mouth and temper will be like around kids. They don't need that kind of exposure! I certainly do not appreciate what he said to you! Realize that you deserve better. A person will only push you around, if they feel as though they can. If anything, he should've helped you to prepare the meal without you having to ask. That's just what a 'gentleman' does.

 

Hang in there. You deserve respect. You are worth it!

[guy40az]

You should change your title to he is abusive. That sounds like a really bad situation to be in I can tell that doesn't sound like abuse that is abuse and it will get worse. He needs to get help you can't change him he has to really want to change. I would get out of that relationship fast and not take him back he needs to get professional help. I wish you the best of luck and you really do deserve some one that will treat you and the kids with respect.

[spicypisces]

Well, it's been three days, and I have taken your advice. I have not spoken to him at all.

 

We have been going out steadily for 3 1/2 years, and have never gone so long without speaking. I told him not to call me but....I would be lying if I said my heart didn't leap out my mouth everytime the phone rings.

 

I am so afraid that he is happy.

 

Once we finally do speak...will his resolve be even stronger than mine that we are finished?

 

I still reserve a fairytale ending in the back of my mind, in which he shows up at my door in tears begging me for another chance.

 

I hope he's cried at least as much as me.

 

I am swinging back and forth right now between feeling excited and powerful, angry and bitter, sad and lonely, empty, but mostly I just feel completely lost - like I've been dropped in the middle of nowhere - like I'm no longer at home. When I broke up with my children's father, it took a year and a half and a new boyfriend to get comfortable in my own skin again.

 

I hate this.

 

My pride will not let me break, though. If he truly does want to break things off....I will not stand in his way. Calling him would just invite his stupid pity and renew his sense of control over me.

 

For the time being, I'll have to drown out his constant narrations in my head. We were so close, that I habitually "hear" him commenting on my day to day business. I want very much to be my own narrator again - the only way this is going to happen is to stay strong.

 

I am especially thankful for the grain of wisdom that it is not him I love anymore, but the idea of what we could have had. How very true.

 

One thing that has helped me immensely, in moments of weakness especially, is writing a list of all the terrible qualities he had, all the horrible things he ever did to me, and everything I hate about him. There is no positive column on this list - and thus far, anyway, I will not make one. Focusing on his negative aspects has done a lot to motivate me through each day.

 

Well, thanks everyone for your encouragement, you may not believe me when I say this but - your words really have come to me the last few days and helped me to do the right thing.

[tea]

Please don't go back to him no matter what. I know it's a very difficult situation, but you must hang in there for yourself!

 

My friends and I recently talked a friend of mine out of dating her emotionally abusive boyfriend, and a week later she went right back to him. (She BEGGED him back, called him, e-mailed him, and cried about how much she needed him!) All of us were very disappointed! Today, 2 days after they got back together her car broke down. Her boyfriend called when she's trying to drive the still shaky car back to her house. She asked him to call a few min later when she arrives, and he yelled at her about her attitude, and complained about how tired he is and HIS life!

 

Please, do this for yourself, hang in there, and never go back!

 

Her boyfriend said when they got back together that he'll change for her, and start treating her nicely too!

 

Don't believe them. We can't make men change for us! The cycle will just restart itself again.

[lb]

You did the right thing. He is abusive and you can't change him. The only way he will change is if he chooses to do so. You are worth so much more than what he is willing to give you. A person like this has serious issues and your 4 year old is learning how to behave the exact same way, not only that, but your child is learning that you don't demand respect or deserve it.

 

He may think that he loves you, but I don't think he knows what real love is, you will find someone who values you for who you are and you will wonder why you didn't kick the other out sooner. I promise you that if you stay strong, and stick with your decision, one day down the road you will look back and realize you are a better person for you.

 

Bless you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

[yasmina]

I was in the EXACT same situation minus the kids....he used to put me down..tell me how ugly i am and beat my confidence down to a pulp...before i met him i had heaps of guys as friends...i was bubbly and a social butterfly...because of him i lost all my friends and faith...after 3yrs...

 

it was SO hard to break up with him but i thought wtf is the point...he tells me how wrothless i am and how he could never marry me he is just wasting time with me...so i let him be...ive run into him..he treated me like crap and pretended he was happy...but i know for a fact he is miserable..

 

his cousin confided in me and told me that he was so insecure that he would lose me...but u know what, it was his fault he did. Its only been a month and it still hurts like hell...at first its so hard...but BELIEVE me it gets better..u dont want him...u only want what u thought u could have with him...heres a little something to help u out...

 

know this, if nothing else.. All things must pass. no matter how bad you feel, no matter how convinced you are that the way you feel now is set in stone. you are wrong. all things must pass. how you feel now is not how you are destined to feel for the rest of your days. imagine your love like nuclear material. right now it's burning intensely – crushing you. but it has a shelf-life, soon it will be less intense, soon after a little less. after a while, you'll be able to cope, horrible realisations (that you're no longer with them, that you miss them, that life now sucks without them) will still hit you, but everything will be less intense. your current life without them will gradually take over, placing new memories in the way of your old ones..

[goodkarmakitty]

You are an amazing, intelligent, beautiful, and loving woman. Any man who sees anything less than that is not worth your time. When someone loves you they treat you with respect. They support you in all that you do. They make you feel wonderful and pretty and they bring out the best in you.

 

He was abusive. You should be patting yourself on the back for valuing your life and your children's lives enough to get rid of him. A lot of women don't. A big hug to you for being so brave and so strong.

 

Naturally it's going to hurt for a while, but you can make it through that with good support inside and outside of yourself. Remember: No matter how much it may hurt now you cannot let him back in your life until you have verifiable proof that he is a changed man. Were you to do this, you'd be taking a giant step back in your own personal growth and progress.

 

You already have and I believe you will continue to do the right thing for yourself and your children because of the love and strength you have in your heart.