Misconceptions, lies and playing the game.....

[JustPlainSad]

Life is a game, anyone that tells you otherwise is in denial. Everything, from a job interview to finding your soulmate, is a game. You first try to get your prospective soul mates attention. They way someone goes about it, is individual, and varies from gender to gender and age to age. You ponder the right move to make, the one that will grab the person and hold them closer, for at least a few seconds longer than you would ordinarly get. Then you have another plan layed out for the next move in this chess game. Sometimes, the right move is played, and other times they put you in check.

 

Losing the love of your life is no different. Anybody who says "All I want her to be is happy." is either in denial, trying to save face and be the "good" person of have lost it completely. As always, there are exceptions to every rule as I am sure people truly do wish nothing but happiness for their former partner, that however, is very rare. They hurt us, left us, said mean things to us and ourn reply is "I want them to be happy." (picture someone with gigantic buck teeth and glasses bigger than his head saying that). For the most part, that is our subconscious taking over, swindling us into thinking that is the right move to make in the game of getting him or her back.

 

People, me included, try to rectify what has transpired and begin to beg and plead to try and get our ex back, once again our subconscious takes over and tells us that is the right move to make, but we know how that usually turns out! Then we being to think that completely ignoring the person is the next right move, maybe they will beging to miss us and will realize the error in their decision. When someone makes that decision, indecision begins to set in immediately. We question it, wondering if we do this, will the likelyhood of them forgetting us be increased? Our mind is amazing, isnt it! To think we are only using 5% of it, well about 1% of it after a break up.

 

After the realization that what we are doing is not going to bring them back, we begin to get part of our brains back. Common sense, family and friends help us along this path. We realize what we need to work on and we begin to do so. It should be done for ourselves, and ultimately is, but everyone knows they are doing it to help their chances of getting their ex back. Anybody that tells you different, is in denial and/or flat out lying to you. Plain and simple, we better ourselves for our ex but end up doing it for our own well being, if our intentions are true. If it is just a superficial change, the ex will see through it and run the other direction because they know you are just telling them what they want to hear and temporarily adjusting yourself to swindle them back to us. That never works for long. It may trick them into coming back for a little while but then you may be faced with the same heartbreak as you suffered before.

 

To get your ex back, if there is a chance, the game must be played almost flawlessly. The only almsot certain move you need to make is better yourself with the purest intentions. It must be done with the intention of getting them back based on things they say we need to work on. The change must be true, and something we agree with. If we do not agree with what we need to work on the change becomes superficial and transparent, a sure way to send you ex running. You must also learn to become the person that originally won them over. The sly sexy man or woman that shatched their heart and held if for a moment. If you are not truly that person and your colors ultimately shined through, then much more work than normal is needed, and, which is usually the case, impossible to happen.

 

No contact is not a guarantee. The reason for no contact is to help youeself heal and may not be necessary at all. Everybody says NC is the way to heal, and it should be only done for ourselves; who are we kidding? Our first intention with NC, it to make them miss us. This rarely works, and if anyone thinks this is the case, do not lie to yourself.

 

Sending gifts, flowers, notes etc. soon after the break up usually has zero effect on winning the person over. As always there is an exception or two. It is a phantom attempt to blind our ex's into coming back to us. Most people are smart enough to soo through this.

 

Do not become annoying to them, such as calling, emailing, writing letters et. too often. This will stroke anyones ego, and make them feel they do not need to come back. You will be giving them what a relationship entails without them being committed to you.

 

Remember how you first we when you were trying to get them. You didnt profess your love for them on the first date, if you did you were either friends for a while before that or a complete loon! Take it slow and steady. Think of the goal you want, gettin gyour ex back, and use some of the method you originally used to get them. Obviously do not copy it to a T, but draw form your first experience and use it to you advantage. This howver will not work if all you did was tell the person what they wanted to hear. If that was the case you can look no further as that being the cause of you being single now. You may have told the person what they wanted to hear, but rest assure, you better believe in what you are saying for the duration for the relationship or it will come back to bite you. Thats, a guarantee!

 

Become friendly with the opposite sex, if thats how you prefer to swing, soon after. Nothing strokes a persons ego better than a semi-attractive person showing the slightest amount of interest. It really works wonders, this will allow you to heal, see there are other people out there and if your ex happens to see you, rub them a little bit. A little jealousy never hurt anyone.

 

These are not rules by any means, just observations I have seen because of my mistakes and the mistakes and successes of others. You do not need to follow any of them and they are definitly not right for everyone. Each situation is different, and should be approached in that way. Recall what worked originally, learn from the mistakes you made along the way, look back at what moved the person in profound wasy, negative and positive and draw from them.

 

You need to become a better person, identifing our short coming while still being true to ourselves. The changes need to be genuine, as any superficiality is easily identifiable. Become the better person for yourself, and also, with the hopes of being this person, if your ex ever decides to give you another chance. It is not just about bettering ourselves. That is the ultimate benefit but the change needs to be made by the input we received from our ex, hence it is not only for ourselves.

 

Remember, everything we are feeling is because of a chemical reaction. We feel hurt, sad and distraught because of certain chemical mixtures in our bodies. Look at what adjusts these chemical reactions and makes us feel better. Whatever does that, continue. Play a little game with yourself, trying to see how long you can sustain these fantastic feelings, then when you have another down day you can replicate the good feelings.

[craigblitz]

Sup Man... Interesting post....

 

There is a lot of truth in this post, and I hope it does not rub some the wrong way.

 

I too feel most people who do NC do it not for the right reason....It makes sense to do so, but they are this board to get their love back.... so they will do anything to do so. I have never said go NC, but your opportunity of getting them back and helping yourself is making them contact you. Good Points!!

 

Not sure everything in life is a game. A lot of it is... but life is what we make it, but it seems like to be successful there are a lot of games to be played.

 

I think you are right about wanting the ex to be happy. I know for the first couple of months I wanted my ex to be absolute miserable.. I mean death was too good of a fate for her... it was. You were miserable and you want them miserable.

 

As you heal you tend to want them to do better I think. I know that is what I found in myself. I lost a lot of the hate i had and really hoped that she was doing ok. It seemed right after that is when we made the biggest steps in getting back together. But as you have said every situation is different.

 

I do not think there is a game to be played to get the ex back. It comes back to do they love you enough to try to work out the issues. Is the love there or not. That is why there is no time table for this... It will take some loger to realize they love you.. or they may reaize that they do not love you enough to work on things.... that is simple...

 

I really like the dating anaology... have to court them again... Great idea... show them what it is that can be. Also the dating others was spot on.

 

Basically good post... good insight and lot more truthful then a lot of the fluff you can get. I also think it is obvious that you are in the bitter stage... But that is cool too we all have been there and are there, but it was refreshing to read someone speaking the truth.

[JustPlainSad]

Of course only true love will bring them back, but some can be tricked into it also. As I said in my post, that will not allow the relationship to last very long, as the other person usually sees right through it. Hopefully, it is recognized early on, to save the faker from completely destroying any chance he or she may be blessed with. The changes must be genuine and cannot be faked at any point. It is very easy to see through the curtain these faux changes hang and will only cause negatives in the long run.

[melrich]

Life is not a game. It follows certain well documented routines and patterns, as you rightly point out but to call it a game is to ignore the fact that there are real people and honest feelings involved. Life is an experience and certainly most experiences you will have in life have been had before by others. It is this that explains why some scenarios play out so true and people will accept there is a role top play in these well worn situations eg man loses woman/ woman loses man.

The fact that you see the same behaviour over and over again (as documented in so much detail in these forums) does not mean people are playing a game.

[Smusher]

This is all brilliant stuff, i must say. One of the more interesting dare i say inteligent and GROWN UP posts!

 

That said, relationships among people are dominated by certain properties just as objects are ruled by the laws of physics.

 

thats why insanity is expressed by doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

The exception to these rules and equations is true love, where the unexpected happens even though we have all seen it turn out the same way hundreds of times nay millions of times, this time it turned out different.

 

This is why Socrates never wrote anything down. "because one can never be 100% certain of anything" even if you have seen it happen a million times.

[Smusher]

This is all brilliant stuff, i must say. One of the more interesting dare i say inteligent and GROWN UP posts!

 

That said, relationships among people are dominated by certain properties just as objects are ruled by the laws of physics.

 

thats why insanity is expressed by doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

The exception to these rules and equations is true love, where the unexpected happens even though we have all seen it turn out the same way hundreds of times nay millions of times, this time it turned out different.

 

This is why Socrates never wrote anything down. "because one can never be 100% certain of anything" even if you have seen it happen a million times.

[frizzle]

Sorry but when it comes down to all these games there's only one word that springs to mind. Dishonest. What kind of "relationships" are these based on manipulations and lies and mind games? Dysfunctional ones where both "partners" are lying and abusing each other. Lying to yourself, lying to them and generally being sick of the soul. That's your idea of love?!

[JustPlainSad]

frizzle, look at my post again and ask yourself where I said mind games? Are you trying to tell me when you meet a person for the first time, there is no game what- so-ever going on? You have got to be kidding me. Are you trying to say when you meet the persons parents for the first time you're not trying to be extra cordial and make an amazing impression? When you want to get it on with that person for the first time do you come right out and say "Hey I want to have sex with you right now"? I'm sure you do not and try to seduce the person, for lack of a better term, and get the person in the mood. Of course there are genuine feelings involved. If none were present, we would not be in love. Look back at my post before you try and come at me and draw your own conclusions to what I wrote. There were NUMEROUS times I said feelings and intentions must be genuine or they become a temporary fix and end up dooming the relationship or the attempt at starting it back up again.

[JustPlainSad]

frizzle.....this is a direct quote from you

"We completed each others thoughts and said and did the same things at the same times even, a connection I've never had with anyone before. How can I win her over?? She knows I have feelings for her without a doubt now, since I told her I'm not interested in "just friends" and want that real chance with her one day. I've not spoken with her since. Am I doing the right thing? Should I be her friend some day? What should I do!"

 

Notice the bolded part. What were you saying about games not playing a role again????? If you truly think games play no role, you would not be asking what to do. All you would need is to, be youself and feel that should suffice enough to "...win her over." Obviously, this is not the case in your delima and you need to know how to "...win her over." Some may go so far as to call that a little game. Innocent, maybe, but a game none the less.....

[frizzle]

Not quite the same thing I was up front about my feelings and intentions and asking advice on how/if it were possible. Besides which that's changed now anyway.

[JustPlainSad]

Being up front about your feelings is irrelevant. Everyone knows what you are after when you persue someone in a romantic manner. What makes it a game, is how you play around with attracting the persons attention and bringing them to you. You make them think of you, make them want more of you and you make them feel they will be better of with you. Like I said in my inital post, your intentions must be genuine or the relationship will be short lived. For the most part we are all good at heart and wish no harm on the other person, so these games I speak of are usually innocent, but they are games none the less.

[melrich]

Hi JustPlainSad,

 

The problem is the terminology "games". It implies dishonesty and manipulation as in "he's playing games with you". In fact what you are trying to explain is really behaviour. Baduras classically descibes human behaviour as a triumverate of behaviour/personality/environment in his model of triadic recipocal determinism. Put simply a person will behave in a given situation according to their personality and environment. These models are well researched and almost all human behaviour can be described thus. Despite everyone being unique, most behaviour is predictable according to these rules.

So how do you change someones behaviour? You provide a reward or incentive. An example.

 

John and Jill's relationship is getting serious (environment). John is scared of commitment (personality/values). John dumps Jill (behaviour). Jill wants him back and sends him flowers (reward/incentive).

 

A simple scenario but a good illustration of the model. John and Jill are not playing a game. They are simply responding to behavioural drivers that we all respond to. As I said in a previous post, this is why we see the same behavioural patterns in relationships over and over.

 

Your point about making a good impression on the parents is just another example of this. There are mores (environment) in society that we all adhere to in one way or another. We understand that appropriate behaviour brings reward (the parents like us) and we act accordingly.

 

This model (TRD) also explains why it is so difficult to get people to change the way they behave on a permanent basis. Values/personality are ingrained into the model and these are deep rooted, intrinsic drivers. Many behavioural academics argue that you cannot change personality. We can drive temporary change in behaviours by reward, but permanent change is far more difficult. It is why there are so many posts on these forums about people who do a particular thing serially. Fact is that if a person behaves a certain way once in response to a situation, the chances are very high that they will behave in exactly the same way again.