Hello, and here is my story.

[TWISM]

On March 22nd of this year my wife left me. She has very good reasons too. I wasnt the man to her I needed to be. I was too involved with friends and myself to make her feel like she was loved. I have a sarcastic humor that is sometimes hurtful to the people I care about. I used this humor too much with my wife and it ended up just tearing her down as a person. We were married for almost 3 years but together almost 7.

 

Of course I beg and pleaded that all I needed was a 2nd chance to make thigns right. She has said we need to see someone together about our issues and I just was too stubborn to go. So of course when D-Day came she wasnt about to hear me say I would go now. I had already been giving my 2nd chance but just didnt do anythign with it.

 

She moved on and really moved fast moved in with another guy about 1 month later. I sought help, when my wife left she said no chance in us getting back together... It didnt matter it was time for me to take control I have been in with my thearpist for 6 months. She is very impressed with my progress, its leaps and bounds better. I really learned a lot about myself. And why I did some of the things I did. I went through a rough childhood, alocholich parents, drug usages by parents, abuse, and molesting. A lot of things that is hard for a person when just one happens but all of them can really mess with your head when you get older.

 

In the mean time I met a new girl, who is very wonderful. I know first mistake getting together with a new girl so soon. It was about 2 months after the split up, divorce papers were filed, etc... I decided to be the person that every girl deserves and the person I need to be. Needless to say my new relationship has been awesome. The girl thinks the world of me and has never dated anyone like me. Things I didnt do before, I am doing now. Roses, cards, poems, etc... all things that girls really just melt over. I am also much more aware of her needs/emotions. What she needs to hear, feel, etc...

 

Fast forward to today... my ex wife wants to work things out. She said she hasnt been happy since she left and that she wants to seek help together to make it work. I had been in contact with her on and off througout this whole divorce and when I would talk to her on the phone Iwould "brag" about how things were going. I later have found that she would go home and just cry because she wondered why she never was treated like a princess why she wasnt loved, why I was being the man she knew I could be with another woman. She just assumed that I never loved her.

 

Basically I have fixed what was wrong but now I am faced with a hard decision. Do I work on it with my ex or do I continue down this new road with my current girlfriend? Both of the girls treat me very very well. They both always have, its just with the ex I didnt treat her like she should have been treated, but she has seen that change and wants to be with me again. The only real difference between the two is the ex is quite and reserved and the new girl is way more outgoing, but she is also needy. needy in the way that soem times rubs me the wrong way. Always needing to her she is loved etc... My friends say they can see this and see that I get frustrated at times...

 

I know this is a lot of information and am not looking for any answers just some insight. I feel like I have a chance to right my wrong in my marriage. A chance to show her how she should be loved.

 

My current "girlfriend" lives about 4 hours away and my ex is now living one block away from me. So the distance could play a big part.

[avman]

Well I'm assuming you and your wife have a lot of history together. 7 years is a long time. It sounds like you learned a few things during the separation as did she. You got some help, and I commend you for that. Many men are too proud to admit they have a problem and need a new perspective.

 

Don't forget, you are in the honeymoon period of your new relationship. Everything is always fabulous during this period. Its not an indicator that it will last long term. This isn't to say that your girlfriend is a bad person. I'm just saying you can't necessarily base your whole life on how things have been the past couple of months. Nobody can keep up that level of intensity and eventually you will both fall into a comfortable period where you'll see how things really might end up long term.

 

You made a promise to your wife 3 years ago. To love, honor, and cherish till death do you part. Can you fulfill that promise? Are you willing to put the effort into the marriage to repair the damage? It won't be easy. But ultimately you need to ask yourself - do I love her enough to do what it takes?

 

Only you can answer that question.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

It looks like you have now all the tools to make it work with one and the other...

 

With who can you imagine yourself three years from now?

 

With which of these two do you feel the most excited about life?

 

Which one gives you the greater sense of freedom and thrill?

 

You can as well stay in this "in between" area for a couple of months and let things evolve and grow in their own way (without forcing them).

 

Before you take a big step and decide to get back together with your ex, try a few little steps. Try to go out together, build up complicity, simply sharing little things... No need to get intimate. Simply get a feeling of how her presense makes you feel.

 

Take some small steps and you will get a feeling, I'm sure.

 

Goodluck with that and congratulations for having found out what was missing before. It shows your desire to do it right.

 

vitalcoch

[MattTheStudent]

Seven years is definitely a long time; do you think that the issues that tore you apart can truly be overcome, or do you think that they will just come back out when you two begin to spend time together again? If you think you two should be back together, let it happen slowly, readjust to each other, and be sure to be aware of your own needs as well as hers.

 

You still are in the honeymoon phase of your new relationship and experiencing the thrill of being with someone new. That might last for awhile but will taper off as you grow accustomed to the new relationship. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[TWISM]

I dont think I clarified this point but we are divorced. The papers were signed and filed.

 

Thanks for the advice I need to take some time to see how things play out. I dont want to keep them both waiting for me to make a choice so one needs to be made in a short amount of time.

 

Thanks Again!

[taylorb]

Twism,

 

How do you feel today? Are you still debating over the two? Do both girls know what's going on? Have you at least been honest with both?