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Wife wants to seperate to be free to date, wants me to move into "in-law house"

nbr

By nbr
in Breaking Up Advice

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nbr

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While I may agree with all of you, I need help to get through this. Simply attacking her (while it feels good at some levels) isn't helping me acquire tools I obviously lack to fix my marriage.

 

I firmly believe that if we get over this, and if I maintain these changes I've made to myself in the past three or four weeks, and continue to improve, we will be a solid couple again. I understand being curious, never having had another partner (whereas I have had one). I understand that I was a prat for many years. I just want her to come back to the table. We went shopping (back to school) with the kids, and she helped me pick out a couple nice shirts that she thought I looked good in, so I think there is some promise. Later her dad came over to watch the kids and we went shopping for her, bought some lingerie, some strapless bras (for a couple dresses she has and wants to be able to wear).

 

I see moments where I feel she is starting to open up. I really do think the ice is thawing over the "I just don't know if I can trust you" part.

It was my fault about the sex with other guys, as I brought it up. I realize I *have* to stop bringing things like that to the surface, as it reminds her both of my insecurity, and her desires that may (or may not) be fading.

 

I just would really like to hear if anyone else has gotten over the 10 year itch thing successfully, and if anyone has indulged it, decided it was a screw-up and did come back?

-nbr

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nbr

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Hi Hbr, I saved my marriage and am on this forum to help others save theirs. Without knowing the details…

 

Do you really want to be married to this woman?

Did you or she have sex with someone else while still married?

She is the mother of my children, and *if* for no other reason, yes. In all reality I am madly in love with her still, though I only recently realized this, and I rely on her for some stability that I know I must learn to provide for myself.

 

As to sex, no. We have both wanted it (me in the past, her right now). Communication about the wants is open, and always has been (she knew I was having an emotional affair before I did, and we did discuss sex with the OW, which never happened, not even a kiss).

-nbr

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If I didn't have kids I would not be ok walking, but I would also be less inclined to fight her wanting to have a relationship with another man as either an open relationship or as a break.

Please mind, I don't want that, even if we didn't have kids, but with kids involved they absolutely must be my priority, and the health of our marriage is paramount to their well being.

 

Like I've said in other threads, I think we really are making progress with the MFT sessions, and I know I've made great strides in many areas I want to improve in. I think for her it is a combination of the following issues:

I was a lousy husband (disengaged, on the computer all the time, ignored her, the OW)

I was not much better of a father (same reasons)

She really does wonder what being with someone else would be like (I am her only one, so honestly, who wouldn't be curious [and I don't know what to do about this one])

She feels trapped (been with me for 20 years, and wants to travel, I'm a homebody, again bad husband, "is this as good as I can get?" syndrome).

 

Now of the four things above I can change things to address all but the curiosity one.

In another thread someone suggested an open marriage, and I would consider that as a hail marry, if it's that or she's kicking me out; but I think the potential for damage to the marriage is too great to consider it as anything but a complete last ditch attempt (at which point there really is nothing else left to lose).

-nbr

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nbr

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Who wouldn't be curious you ask? Someone that loves their spouse.
Really? If you never had been with anyone else you wouldn't wonder what it would be like? I mean acting on it, that's different, but lots of people fantasize about movie stars, or co-workers, what have you. I don't think that in its self is a bad thing, it's that it obviously is a bit beyond fantasy and into wanting to try territory that there is an issue.

Like I said earlier, since this thread was started we have made a lot of progress. It took 10 years to kill this marriage, it's not going to be fixed in a few days, and I know that. She's starting to realize that as well, but things look to be trending towards her keeping me in the house and letting go of those wants that are destructive.

I've always believed that if I could genuinely fix the other issues that last one would "magically" resolve its self.

-nbr

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