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confused and guilty


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Mr. Confused and Guilty,



I've been in this relationship for about 6 months now. I'm 47 and she is 55. Things were great and we both seemed very much in love. There unfortunately have been some issues during the last few months. She has had alot of things going on in her life. A major move from a house she lived in for 20 years and the marriage of her daughter. These things caused her to be more distant from me. But I just figured she needed the support and I did support her going through these things. There were still many fun times even though we weren't as intense as when we first met. It's been a bit of a roller coaster for me, because her feelings seem to run hot and cold.


In the last few weeks though things seem to be getting harder for us. She had an intense relationship with someone 5 years ago that she was going to marry. This person had died before they could marry of a long term illness. The anniversary of this came up last week for her. We talked in great length about it. To put it in briefly she still has a lot of guilt issues with his death. There seemed to be even more distancing at this point, for instance not kissing me when I come in to greet her.


Finally she told me she did not want to hurt me. But that she could not be available for me due to issues she still has about her dead fiancee, because in her words: "It was definitely affecting me and I knew SOMETHING was affecting our relationship. It is something that I know I have to deal with." She wants to try and work it out.


I asked her if we could be friends to see if she could work this out and agree to not see any one for a period of time. She agreed to this. I'm not sure how deeply she really cares for me or not. She tells me she's very mixed up, but wants me to be there.


I was hurt very badly. I had a hard time dealing with it. I did something stupid. I called up an old girl friend and went over there. I wasn't really planning on getting intimite with her but I knew she was this kind of lady. I was just hoping to get a fresh view on something. I had protected sex with her for about 60 seconds. But I couldn't do it because I still loved this other lady too much. In fact I told her I really didn't want to do this before we got started, but she insisted, lets just have fun she said. Nobody was holding a gun to my head though.


Now I feel very guilty. I would still like to see if this old relationship will work, but I feel like I have cheated. I don't want what I have done to effect how I relate to this person. I think it would be unwise to admit what I have done to her I think, espially where the relationship is now. I have never cheated on anyone before. I was married for 10 years. Any thoughts on dealing with this?

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First off, I think you're perhaps being a bit too hard on yourself. You're nor married, and as far as I understand, you're not even engaged. You agreed to be "just friends" for a while. Calling what has happened "cheating" is maybe just a bit too strong? Try to be a bit more forgiving to yourself.


On the other hand, would your girl-friend think it's cheating? That's the crux of the problem. She's been distant, she wanted a moment of "just being friends". She said that, but did she mean it?


If you feel guilty, and you present the fact to her by feeling guilty, then she may well feel that you've done something wrong - after all, you think it's wrong.


I don't know how open (as in open hearted, truthful) your relationship was. But I would be inclined to neither hide the fact, nor stuff it down her throat. If it comes out naturally in conversation, then tell her. If not, then say nothing. It happened while you were "just friends". And friendship doesn't exclude sex with third persons.

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Wow, thanks for the quick response. I know I just need to relax and take this relationship as it comes. It will either work or not. I have certainly learned my lesson, about not doing anything too rash, when you are so upset. They say never say never, but I guess if this is the worse thing I've done I shouldn't feel too bad. We were not married or engaged, we were just friends hoping to make this relationship work. I felt guilty because, I'm the one that suggested we shouldn't see any one else during this friendship. But, I can surely say I felt nothing for this person I had this brief interlude with. I could only bear to be in the act breifly. In fact in some odd way I understand more now why my girlfriend hasn't been able to be intimate with me while her thoughts have still been wrapped up in her dead fiancee.


I think if she did the same to me during this time, I could forgive her also. But I don't think I would want to know about it. We are just in a hard place right now.


I think I will just look at this friendship as a time to start fresh for both of us. She had alot of issues and I had mine. I will forgive both of us and see what happens. I will put this mistake of mine away in a safe place. And if I ever think of doing this again, I will use this as a reminder of how I felt.


Thank you.

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Hi there,

I think I can see why things happened the way they did. You felt sort of rejected by your lady and you wanted some kind of validation.. something that made you feel you are still desirable.. and you went with someone else. I'm sure you are not the first person this happens to.


I think that MsColly is right in saying that you two were separated at the time...trying to see if this would work out between you. I don't think you should offer this information to your lady, but do be honest with her if she asks. She sounds like a mature person who would understand you...and the circumstances...at least I hope so.


I can tell from your post that you care for her very much. I wish you the best.

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